Name: Susan Butler
Title: George Meets Middle School
Genre: Contemporary
Name: Susan Butler
Title: George Meets Middle School
Genre: Contemporary
George
“Hello. I’m George. You’re a neurotypical. I’m not. Mom says I’m not supposed to call people NTs because they might get mad. But sometimes it’s difficult to be good. I feel like I have a natural tendency for mischief. Do you ever get into trouble for something, yet you can’t help but do it anyway?”
“Actually, yeah.”
“It happens to me all the time. Sometimes I get the most overwhelming urge to say something and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t hold it in. The words come spewing out of my mouth like lava. My volcano mouth usually lands me in detention.”
“I got detention a lot last year, too.”
“Really? What were your offenses?”
“Mostly being late to class. Speaking of which, I gotta go.”
“Okay. It’s really loud in here, don’t you think?”
I guess he didn’t hear me over all the noise. I forgot to ask him where the English hallway is located. This looks like the history wing. That would explain the world maps plastered all over the classroom walls. I suppose I can ask someone else.
“Hello. I’m George.”
“Aren’t you that Aspie kid?”
“I don’t like it when people call me an Aspie, but that’s never stopped anyone before, not even my teachers. Aspie is short for someone with Asperger’s Syndrome. Someone like me. In case you didn’t know, Asperger’s is a form of autism. Aspie is probably the nicest thing people call me. It would be inappropriate to repeat all of the other names.
I’m twelve. Well, almost. But, what’s a couple of months when you are in middle school? I would like to have high hopes for this place, but Sydney Holmes Middle School doesn’t seem like the greatest place for an exemplary education. The dingy cinder-block walls are as bleak as my expectations. I’m not looking forward to another round of educators. Especially if this year’s lineup is anything like the teachers I had last year. They always got mad at me when I corrected them. Like it was my fault they weren’t prepared.”
“Um. . .I better get to my history class.”
“Okay. Bye.”
“Excuse me, are there any classes other than history on this hallway?”
“Nope.”
“I hope we learn a lot in history this year. It’s my favorite subject. But I get really irritated when everyone in my class believes the textbooks tell you the whole story. You’d think they could take the time to watch a documentary or two on the History Channel.
I like science almost as much as history. I’m not a fan of the abstract sciences, like quantum physics, but I love animals, so biology and anatomy are more my preference. I get along better with animals than people for the most part. Did you know there are 8.7 million different species of animals? It’s difficult to believe, am I right? Reptiles are my favorite, despite how much my mom hates them. She won’t let me get a python, even though the 8th grade science teacher has one. I hear she brings it to school every year on the last day and her students get to take turns holding it. The older kids say she drapes it around her neck like a scarf. I bet she would be a Slytherin. I can’t wait for 8th grade. I tried pleading and begging so Mom would agree to let me have a snake, but none of my charms worked on her. She said, “No way!” and made a face at me. She said she couldn’t stand to see the baby mice get eaten by the snake. I told her snakes only eat once a month and the mice come freeze-dried, but even that didn’t change her mind.”
“Okay. Well, I’m going to be late to class. Bye.”
“Goodbye another stranger who’s name I don’t know. There sure are a lot of students here. I wish it wasn’t so noisy.”
“Better get used to it, George.”
“Hello. I don’t know you.”
“I’m Sam. We were in fourth grade together.”
“Oh, yeah. I like your Darth Vader lunch box.”
“Thanks, George.”
“I packed my lunch today because I don’t know what they will serve in the cafeteria, but it’s bound to be healthy and tasteless. I prefer peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. My mom is allergic to peanuts. Not deathly allergic or anything, they just give her a rash. But she still makes me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Sometimes. Sometimes she decides that I need to be more mature and she tells me to pack my own lunch. I hate it when she gets like that. Does your mom lecture you about responsibility?”
“I think it’s her favorite pastime.”
“I prefer to spend my time crafting houses in Minecraft rather than doing menial tasks like packing my lunch or folding laundry.
I play a lot of video games, but Minecraft is probably my favorite. Did you know the creepers were created accidentally? The creator was trying to create pigs, but he messed up the coding and ended up creating monsters instead. He decided the monsters looked pretty cool so he kept them and named them creepers.”
“Cool.”
“Do you know how to get to Mrs. Donovan’s English class?”
“Sure. It’s right over there by the Shakespeare posters.”
“Okay. This school seems to prefer to cover up chipped paint with posters. Did you realize there are holes in your jeans?”
“Yeah. They’re supposed to be there. It’s the style.”
“Oh. It’s not my style. I prefer khakis to jeans and polos to T-shirts. When my pants get holes in them, Mom throws them out.”
“Dude, you’re so weird.”
“Weird is a very broad generalization. Hey, where are you going?”
I really hope I’m not late for my first class. It would suck to be late on the first day of sixth grade.
Luke
Mrs. Donovan’s classroom isn’t at all like I expected. Most of the classrooms here are drab and boring. Mrs. Donovan has frilly curtains on the window and a couple of comfy looking reading chairs in the back of the room. Maybe her class isn’t so bad after all.
“Welcome, class to sixth grade language arts. You will come here every morning for the next one hundred and eighty days.”
“One hundred and seventy-nine not counting today.”
I wasn’t surprised to hear Austin Jackson making a comment already. His ego was as big as his hair.
“Class, let’s begin with some introductions. I would like for everyone to tell us something about themselves. George, since you are in the front row, why don’t you begin?”
“Okay. I have a little brother. He’s eight years old. But as far as anyone can tell, he’s two. He’s a total turd bucket. He’s always hitting me or smacking me with a nerf sword or something as equally annoying. He says it’s a game and he just wants to play, but he’s a liar. Obviously, I have no choice but to hit him back. Then I get in trouble because he’s a rat. He always runs to Mom and Dad when I do something, even if it’s not my fault. Yeah, okay. Sometimes I rat him out, too. But, I have to. He set a precedent.
Sometimes, Luke isn’t so bad. His whole name is Lucas Michael Wilson but I doubt he can spell that. Michael is my dad’s name. We call my brother Luke for short, like the Jedi.
Hi Susan,
ReplyDeleteReally good to read the revised version. You clearly have made a lot of changes. I think the dialogue from other characters helps make it much clearer than the first but I wonder if you could go further?
Some of the parts included in George's dialogue seem a bit clunky and forced. You appear to now have some inner monologue (Mrs. Donovan’s classroom isn’t at all like I expected...) and so I wondered so more parts of his thoughts could be conveyed through inner monologue rather than dialogue.
Overall, I thought it was much clearer and easier to read without losing George's POV. Thank you.
Prentis,
DeleteThank you. I definitely think using inner monologue helps clarify things. It's something I'm going to have to add into the rest of the novel.
Hi Susan,
ReplyDeleteI liked seeing George interact with other children a bit more, it helped break up the dialogue. I feel like you could almost start with the "Aren't you that Aspie kid" interaction because that's the one that really grabbed me.
I was a little surprised Mrs Donovan didn't pull George up immediately for the use of "turd bucket" (which is an excellent insult btw)
Thanks. You're right. Maybe she should admonish him immediately.
DeleteThis is easier to read than the first version. I like the way you've broken up George's dialogue with interactions with other kids. I wonder though, if some of his dialogue could be internal though, not spoken aloud.
ReplyDeleteIt would also be nice to know who the other kids are he is talking to and see more of their reactions. Does he speak to girls the same way he talks to boys? Does he treat older kids in the hallway differently? Do people move around him so they don't get spoken to? Does George get stared at?
I agree that I would like to show more. I am struggling with how to show the other kids reactions and describe them while sticking to George's POV.
ReplyDeleteCould you use the inner monologues more to give an insight about them like you do above (EX: Mrs. Donovan’s classroom isn’t at all like I expected. Most of the classrooms here are drab and boring). Perhaps he could think to himself more about what he observes rather than all spoken aloud?
DeleteHi Susan! Really thorough revision! You’ve definitely improved the overall flow and narration of the sample. I loved the exchange: “Did you realize there are holes in your jeans?” “Yeah. They’re supposed to be there. It’s the style.” Those little nuances are what I love about this piece so much. You do a fabulous job capturing the essence of someone with Autism. We need more accurate depictions like this!
ReplyDeleteThe pacing is getting so much better, but near the end, I’m getting somewhat winded by the big chunks of information (Ex: The video games paragraph, His little brother paragraph. Etc). You did a great job breaking up the chunks in the beginning. If there’s any way you can break these bits up too, I think it’d definitely help keep the reader from wandering.
I know it’s only five pages, and I may not have the entire story at my grasp, but is the novel a reflection of George’s dealings with autism, and how others respond to it? If so, I wonder if it might be better to start where we see these actual dealings. For instance, we could see George getting harassed as he’s walking into school for the first time, or maybe (since you’re a mom), we could see the exchange between George and his mother. That way, readers get insight into this world right off the bat.
Great revision! I applaud you for writing about a topic that needs to be shared.
Susan, I appreciate all the work you did here and how it breaks up the chunks of dialogue with interior thoughts. I did get a little hung up on them though, wondering what he was saying aloud and what he was thinking, mostly because of the quotation tags. When you have a paragraph break in the dialogue, you'll want to add quotations to the second (and subsequent) paragraphs ... so it would be this:
ReplyDelete"I don’t like it when people call me an Aspie, but that’s never stopped anyone before, not even my teachers. Aspie is short for someone with Asperger’s Syndrome. Someone like me. In case you didn’t know, Asperger’s is a form of autism. Aspie is probably the nicest thing people call me. It would be inappropriate to repeat all of the other names.
"I’m twelve. Well, almost. But, what’s a couple of months when you are in middle school? I would like to have high hopes for this place, but Sydney Holmes Middle School doesn’t seem like the greatest place for an exemplary education. The dingy cinder-block walls are as bleak as my expectations. I’m not looking forward to another round of educators. Especially if this year’s lineup is anything like the teachers I had last year. They always got mad at me when I corrected them. Like it was my fault they weren’t prepared."
I'm also wondering about the headers. Is that to show who he is speaking with? Do those characters come back again? It's difficult to see where the plot is going to go.
I do love his voice and I think it's an important voice for readers to see, I just am hoping we can get a clearer sense of where the plot goes from these first 5 pages.
Thanks. The quotations are an easy fix. The headers just show the topic. Maybe I could change the second one to English class? A lot of the chapters are titled, The Bus, Science, History, etc. I will think about how to bring out the plot sooner.
DeleteHi Susan,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your revision with us today! I was out of town last week, so this is my first read and this selection is really intriguing.
At first, I was a bit confused by the lack of dialogue tags and stage direction, but once I settled into the rhythm of the dialogue switches I picked it up. Perhaps this would be printed in two different fonts that help differentiate the speakers as you read the selection...right now, that opening page reads like one person talking to himself and I worry that the concept behind it might be a little inaccessible to young readers.
Is there a way to show us what's going on a bit more? Is the lack of exposition on purpose? I wondered if it's a narrative device to give us a certain feeling as we read George's POV.
Regardless, I think you will need to take young readers into this story with confidence and paint a full picture for them. These characters are very interesting, but so far this reads more like a character study than a story.
What is the central story question? George is the only character mentioned in the title, and yet there is another POV. Are there multiple character POVs? What ties them all together?
As you explore this opening further, really let yourself put that story question out there, preferably in the opening 2 pages. We need to know who we are rooting for and why, and what they are trying to do. Middle grade especially wants a quick start, and often that story question is on the very first page.
Now, that said, you do have some absolutely fabulous voice going on here. The humor is excellent, especially toward the end of the selection (in Luke's POV). I think there are some places where George's voice sounds a bit old for 11, even if he is really advanced for his age. His last dialogue block reads spot on to me (Okay. I have a little brother...)
This made me laugh out loud:
Did you realize there are holes in your jeans?”
“Yeah. They’re supposed to be there. It’s the style.”
So really, there's great stuff to work with here, but I want you to tell me the story. There has to be plot beyond starting sixth grade. What's happening to these kids?
Best of luck with your story!
Melanie Conklin
First Five Mentor
Melanie,
ReplyDeleteThe idea of the first chapter is that George is talking to random people in the hall. The whole novel is from George's POV. I have added in some inner monologues with him talking to the reader. Maybe I could add in more tags to help the reader identify who is speaking when. I like the idea of a different font. Maybe I should italicize when he is speaking to the reader? As for the plot, it's about making a best-friend, then discovering that friend has a learning disability. George has to figure out how to help him. That doesn't show up until the middle, so I will have to figure out how to work it in sooner. Thank you so much for your thoughts. You have given me a lot to think about.