Name: Laurel Hill
Genre: YA Supernatural Thriller
Title: The In-Between
PITCH:
Sixteen-year-old Ashton finds out the evil souls of extra-terrestrials have been haunting him for many lifetimes. Death and despair follow him wherever he goes. The alien tribe invaded earth shortly after its discovery to mix their DNA with the peaceful Enlightener colony. In an effort for world domination, they continue to influence their descendants to commit evil acts.
Mintaka, an alien working for the White House, finds Ashton to tell him his girlfriend, Cali, is the First Daughter no one can know about. He's encouraged to repair the damaged relationship with his famous father whose music can increase positive vibrations and kill negativity. Ashton uses social media to promote the concert tour, but the aliens retaliate by making him look like he's one of them, reminding him of a time where he was lonely and misunderstood. They also possess a couple to kidnap Cali and hide her in a deathly hazard where descendants kill just for fun.
Mintaka reminds Ashton it's his destiny to awaken his supernatural powers to find her. Stress, fear, and doubt slow the search. If he doesn’t hurry, she'll be taken to the In-Between – a realm between life and death – where she'll stay stuck forever.
PAGES:
Harley hid behind one of the pine trees closest to the back deck of Ashton's house. He cursed under his breath as he watched his favorite jacket ride the back of his worst enemy and disappear into the woods. He noticed Ashton left the sliding glass door to his bedroom wide open and quietly thanked him. It would be easy to sneak in and hopefully find the rest of the stuff stolen from his school locker. He heard the mom call out for her son from the front of the house and hurried over to the side to spy on her.
There was no denying she was beautiful as she stood in the driveway looking frustrated over Ashton's disappearance. The sight of her large bra size took him to a familiar dark place in his mind, stirring his desire to have her no matter what the cost. He didn't care anymore about his missing things. Now he just wanted her. Age didn't matter. He'd already been with women who were older and knew it would only take his gorgeous good looks to get her to do whatever he wanted. After she went back inside, he hopped over the deck's railing and tip-toed inside Ashton's bedroom to find her.
***
Ashton sat at the top of his favorite tree he'd been climbing since the first grade and took out his phone to call his dad.
“I'm in the studio. Why are you calling?” The sound of drums pounding in the background warned he wouldn't have long to talk.
“Can I hang with you for a while?” he asked politely.
His dad burst out laughing as if it was the most ridiculous question he'd ever heard. “No!”
“Why?”
“You know exactly why!”
He listened to all the reasons he couldn't join his famous father on tour despite the fact he had a 4.0 GPA and could finish the last month of school online.
"Whatever," he mumbled.
“What did you say?”
“Nothing."
He ended the call wondering how his father would choose to keep him a secret from the media but have no problem parading around his two-year-old half-sister, Star. Her mother was famous in her own right; a top-model-turned-clothing-
Something glowing above him caught his attention and he looked up to see an orb the size of a small plane. It was completely silent and looked a lot like the one from his favorite show, The Truth. They had video footage of UFO sightings happening all over the world. Petitions for government disclosure on extra-terrestrials were filling up quickly.
A peaceful feeling caused him to close his eyes and relax against the tree trunk until the sound of a loud squawk and flapping feathers startled him. He grabbed a branch to keep from falling and looked up to see the orb gliding across the sky. It eventually disappeared along with his awe and wonderment. He didn't care anymore about what he just witnessed – a common report from others.
He looked down at the time displayed on his phone. Two hours had passed since escaping the confines of his bedroom where his mother had expected him to stay grounded. Dead man walking, he thought. But what could she do? Extend his sentence? Life wouldn't be much different than his current circumstance where he had no friends to show him all the fun he was missing out on. They had all abandoned him after his ex-best friend, Jake, told everyone at school he worshiped the devil after he started playing with a homemade Ouija board. They had found it in the rubble of a burned down country house. It was amazing to him that the wood survived the fire but his fascination was temporary. He ended up burying it in the woods, but it didn't fix the friendship he had since pre-school.
He didn't care if his mom took away his phone or computer. Who was going to call him? Social media was the last place he wanted to visit since he found a page created to make fun of him. 666 Ash – a place where everyone from school posted hateful GIFs using pictures they secretly took of him in the hallways, classrooms, and even more embarrassing – the gym's locker room.
He carefully made his way back down the tree and followed the trail leading back to his house. He prepared himself for what to say to his mom. Stress from hiding their identity was slowly tearing their bond apart. He felt bad for her. She didn't have any friends and never experienced a real relationship with his dad. She was just another aspiring fashion model who got mixed up with the celebrity and unfortunately got pregnant. In return for a fancy house and unlimited funds to raise him, she had to sign a contract agreeing to never reveal their truth to anyone except her mom. His other grandparents died long before he was born and his parents didn't have any siblings, so their connection to fame was easy to conceal. She did her best to make sure he could still have a social life despite the constant reminder to keep his mouth shut whenever someone asked where his dad was or what the man did for work. He used to struggle in his younger years to stay quiet. If ever a playdate brought up the question, he'd just shrug his little shoulders and say he didn't know but it sure did keep him busy.
He made it to the driveway and saw three police cars and a white van. "Really, mom? Really?" he whispered. The argument they had before he snuck out was bad but not enough to call the cops. A heavy, numbing sensation overcame him as he watched two men emerge from the front door carrying a stretcher with what looked to be a body bag on top. The loud, screeching noise from the metal legs folding up as the men carefully loaded it into the back of the van made his teeth chatter.
The driver noticed him standing at the end of the driveway and quickly approached. "Are you Meredith Jewkes son?”
He nodded slowly and managed to squeak out an answer. “Yeah.”
Hi Laurel,
ReplyDeleteI think you're definitely starting your pages in a better spot now. Good job! I like that you added Ashton's sympathy for his mom instead of just showing him being harsh toward her. It gives them both more depth and appeal to the reader and makes what happens next tug on the heart strings (assuming it's his mom in a body bag).
After reading the pitch and seeing that aliens play a very important role in the story, I like that you gave us a glimpse of aliens via the UFO early on.
Does Ashton know about the aliens in the beginning? If not, maybe consider reworking the beginning of the pitch to say death and despair follow him wherever he goes BEFORE the intro to the aliens. Right now it reads kind of choppy. Then you can say he finds out about the aliens and to give some voice to the pitch, state how he feels about these aliens haunting him and the awful effect it's had on his life.
Also, you don't have to name the Enlightener Colony. You can just say they came to mix their DNA with the peaceful inhabitants in an effort for world domination.
From the first paragraph I'm a little confused as to whether Ashton is a descendant of the aliens or if his life is just negatively affected by the aliens' descendants.
Maybe start with something like:
Death and despair follow sixteen-year-old Ashton wherever he goes. Soon after the loss of his mother, he finds out that evil extra-terrestrials with a goal of world domination have been haunting him for many lifetimes by influencing their descendants to commit evil acts. Some of these descendants are people he grew up with, people in his own town. (something like that)
Expand a bit on "He's encouraged to repair the damaged relationship with his famous father whose music can increase positive vibrations and kill negativity."
- why is it important to repair the relationship?
- what does it have to do with Cali?
- I'm thinking the music's positive vibrations keep the aliens' negative influence at bay but I don't know for sure. And if the father is famous, his music is already being spread around so wouldn't it be accomplishing this task without a relationship with his son?
Overall, your pages reach much better and you're on your way to fleshing out a great story. I hope my suggestions have helped. Thanks for sharing and good luck!
Thank you!
DeleteHi Laurel,
ReplyDeleteWow, you really changed up your pages. I like it. I feel the suspense and the stakes are high right away and your main character is someone we can care for. Great improvement.
For the pitch, I wonder if you can simplify it a bit. Maybe cut out some names and take away some specifics that we don't need to know right away. (e.g. Instead of "They also possess a couple to kidnap Cali and hide her in a deathly hazard where descendants kill just for fun." you could simply say "Cali gets kidnapped and is in grave danger.")
I really like what you've done!
Good luck and happy writing!
Thanks so much!
DeleteHi Laurel, Your pitch sounds like you've written an exciting novel! One thing that jumped out, is that your first page begins with Harley yet he isn't mentioned once in the pitch. Is he going to be an important character in the story? If not, maybe you shouldn't start with him. It's hard to know just based on the first 1250 words, but something to think about. Your pages have much more tension. I'm super anxious about his mom now. Yikes! Your writing is filled with description and you have a beautiful style.
ReplyDeleteHarley ends up haunting Ashton's house in the next following pages making them move to a different house. So, although he isn't a main character, he's a crucial reminder to how targeted Ashton feels throughout his life. Kim suggested I start with Harley before opening the next scene to Ashton. Thanks for all your suggestions and I hope to follow your promising writing career!
DeleteThanks, you too!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Laurel,
ReplyDeleteWow! That ending took a surprising turn! You've done a great job setting up the plot, and I found myself wondering what happens next for Ashton. What a compelling opening.
In terms of your pitch, I got the sense that you've done a lot of world building creating the lore for your story, and were trying to fit a lot into the pitch to get the plot across clearly. But it feels a little crowded and tricky to follow. I wonder if there's a way of rewording it so that the unique speculative elements seem more clearly linked together, so that you don't have to explain each one. I think that focusing like this will also cast the characters' actions into more of a spotlight, so that where the plot is going shines out brightly against the background information.
As for the pages, you've done a great job establishing Ashton as the main character, and his frustration comes through very clearly to the reader. However, I felt like the transition between Harley's POV and Ashton's POV felt a little awkward. I understand the decision to start with Harley and foreshadow Ashton's mom's death, but I wonder if there's another angle you might explore that transitions more smoothly into Ashton's narration. I suggest playing around with the opening a bit and trying different ways to "place the camera" to capture that moment and still segue into Ashton's perspective.
Great job on the pitch and pages, and best of luck!
All best,
Erica
Hi Erica!
DeleteYou’re right about my struggles developing the pitch. I have switched around different openings during this workshop, and I understand what you’re saying in regards to Harley. Thank you so very much for your suggestions!
Hi Laurel,
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you are including the UFO/extra-terrestrial element in these opening pages since I see it's an important part of your story as I read the pitch. You definitely want your reader to know what they are in for.
I'm sorry to write that I don't love the beginning from Ashton's POV. It's not well-developed enough to really root the reader in an opening scene, and honestly I'm not sure it's necessary. If you do choose to keep it, I do want to say it gave me a definite creeper vibe and worse. You write that he'll entertain his dark thoughts "despite the cost": does this mean without a woman's consent? I don't think you mean that but I want to say that's how I read it. Also Ashton talks about the mother's "large bra size" and teenagers don't talk or think like this so just tweak your language. And he absolutely needs to admit it's odd or strange or arousing that he's being turned on by a mother's beauty. A teenage boy would definitely check himself against thoughts of lusting after a peer's mother. As I said though--I don't think you need the Ashton opening.
I still really enjoy the conversation with Harley and his dad. It's an excellent and well-executed way to illustrate the distance he feels from his father. I think this story thread is strong enough to open the book. It shows his alienation and bitterness, but also his longing. I do think you can pull back on some of the backstory used here in the following passage (less will be more here because the "I'm your son" response is just so powerful): "He ended the call wondering how his father would choose to keep him a secret from the media but have no problem parading around his two-year-old half-sister, Star. Her mother was famous in her own right; a top-model-turned-clothing-designer who only went by one name - Elle. But she had no idea Ashton and his mom existed. He was sixteen-years-old now and feared he'd spend the rest of his life hiding in the Pocono Mountains while Star enjoyed all the amazing private-island vacations he could no longer attend. He looked at the phone's blank screen and whispered..."
I also really like how the "aliens" or UFOs are normalized with: "They had video footage of UFO sightings happening all over the world. Petitions for government disclosure on extra-terrestrials were filling up quickly." This lets us be part of the culture Harley is in and that's great.
I hope this helps with your final rewrite. Thank you again with trusting me (and others) with your pages. This is a difficult thing to do and you have been amazing about incorporating feedback and creating deeply-edited revisions.
Thank you!!
ReplyDeleteHi Laurel,
ReplyDeleteI had no idea that this story had an alien element or that Harley is not a main character. So, in light of these two elements, I have some suggestions.
For your pitch, it’s a little confusing. I’d say cut the first paragraph and get to the core of your story, a one sentence elevator pitch.
Seventeen year old Ashton finds out aliens have come to earth when an alien working at the White House seeks him out and tells him his father’s music contains the vibrations meant to heal the universe. The alien also tells him that his girlfriend is the President’s secret love child, and the aliens are after her. He has to encourage his dad to play his music while keeping his girlfriend safe...
....this may not be your story. I’m guessing here. I can’t figure it out and it should be clear. Try to explain your story to several friends in under a minute and see if they understand. Giving verbal pitches really can clarify your vision.
About the pages, they are getting stronger. However, since this is a story about aliens, unless Harley is an alien, we shouldn’t hear from him. He’s not the primary problem and can’t be a POV character. He didn’t even make into the pitch, but somehow he has top billing. I thought this was a story about a teen whose mom was a potential victim of a teen rapist. Since that’s not the case, cut it. Get to the core of your story. In the first page, we need foreshadowing that aliens are here. Take us through Ashton’s day. Maybe let us meet his future girlfriend.
The death of the mom is in the pages but not mentioned in the pitch either. It really feels like an entirely different story. So, I’d cut the mom. If this is important, it needs to be in the pitch. If Cali is the one at risk, make the foreshadowing about her.
I like the conversation with the dad and the underlying need that implies. Ashton wants to connect. He feels alone. Maybe he meets his future girlfriend earlier? Somehow we need to understand the core of the story in these beginning pages.
Finally, you can definitely write creepy, fast paced suspense, so I’d say stick with that, and try to write more in-the-moment, fast-paced prose. Cut any explanation, flashbacks and thoughts that go on for more than a sentence.
Thank you for working so hard to rewrite and try new things each time. You can do it! Good luck with this final rewrite.
Warmly,
Kim
Thanks, Kim! Just a reminder - Harley is the one that died, not the mother. The first workshop submission showed how and why. Harley's spirit is a hint of what's to come when mentioning the Ouija board and it also ties in with the alien presence. Thank you so very much for all of your suggestions! I really appreciate it!
Delete