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Monday, April 15, 2019

1st 5 Pages April Workshop - Palmer Rev 1


Name: Kyra Palmer
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
Title: Hunting Legends

Fastest way to a guy’s heart is a bullet between the third and fourth
rib. Knife works too, but it’s slower, messier, and requires close
range. I don’t need either to be lethal on sight.

As the Venator squad dead on the ground in front of me just learned.
Phantoms of their dying heartbeats echo inside me like a gnawing ache
in my chest. It leaves a bitter aftertaste in my mouth like blood and
ash. They didn’t go quietly. Fog hangs low like lost souls wandering
the deserted streets of the French Quarter ruins. Humans should know
better than to hunt the supernatural in our own territory. The Dead
Zone originated here and belongs to Legends, “monsters” like me.

Valravns circle overhead, cawing, fifteen-foot raven wings casting
wraith-like shadows. Their skull faces gleam white in the moonlight,
eye sockets empty, beaks sharp enough to cut stone. The undead birds
won’t descend until the bodies are cold. I crouch beside the nearest
corpse and set off the distress signal clipped to the tactical vest. A
red light blinks, the homing beacon activated. Now I won’t have to
track down the second squad, they’ll come straight to me.

Within ten minutes, I spot the other squad creeping down the road
toward my trap, glowing neon green through my night vision goggles. If
they see me, they’re dead, which is my intention and my orders.

“Final target sighted,” I whisper in my comm to my partner.

“Azrielle, wait to engage,” Knox says, smooth voice filtering through
the comm’s static. Even when he isn’t using his encantado charm,
there’s something about the way he speaks that compels a desire to
obey. Not sure if it’s an encantado thing or a Knox thing.

I crouch to wait behind the husk of a toppled red and yellow streetcar
at the intersection of Canal and Bourbon Street. Jagged metal curls
away from the vehicle’s side as if something clawed its way out.
Debris, grime, and overgrown foliage cover the evidence of violence
from ten years ago when the birthplace of jazz was silenced. When our
worlds bled together without warning and people realized the myths and
stories are true. When Legends became reality.

Humans say they won the “war” that followed. They merely survived
better, but we’re not extinct yet. I fight because I’ve never had any
other choice. But after tonight I’m out. This is my last mission. I
eliminate the two squads foolish enough to invade this forsaken
metropolis and my service debt—or rather my dead father’s—will be
fulfilled. Drop a few more bodies and I’m done. Free. No more Shade
and their self-righteous crusade of honorable intentions that lead
straight to the graveyard. Tomorrow I’ll fly far away where no one can
use me again. Preferably somewhere cold. Maybe northern Greenland. I
wish I could convince my partner to quit too.

The valravns drift lower.

Careful not to touch the streetcar, I stand up. Knox is taking too long.

“Can I move in?” I whisper through my comm. “The Venators are covering
ground fast. I need to do something before they go after the
valravns.”

“I’m not done yet,” he grunts, words choppy like he’s out of breath.

My fingers drum on my leg, knees bouncing. I can’t signal the valravns
to flee nor count on their help. They might even attack me if they
think I’m after their meat. Like many Legends, they don’t understand
the threat of humans and need Shade’s protection. Humans can work
together. They have armies, hospitals, and governments. Law and order.
We don’t. No one’s ever survived telling a dragon what to do.

The valravns hover closer, cawing softer. The Venators notice, raising
their guns higher.

“Knox, if I don’t intervene, they’ll start shooting.”

“So stall the Venators.” His smirk is audible.

“Seriously?” I hiss, so not amused. “If this is so you can flirt with
a nymph again—”

“I wish that were the problem.”

Concern drowns my irritation. “Do you need me?”

“No, hold your position. I found a rougarou who isn’t interested in leaving.”

“You found a what?”

He sighs as if I should know every one of the thousands of different
types of Legends. “A rougarou, they’re like werewolves. He keeps
growling at me. I don’t think he trusts my human form, but I can’t
shift here.” He pauses, tone darker. “He’s a toddler. Bet he was
bitten recently.”

And abandoned once his parents realized he wasn’t human anymore. My
teeth grind. I’m surprised he’s alive. Maybe they tried to kill him
and failed. Like my mother did to me.

“Can’t you charm him to follow you?” I edge out from my cover of the streetcar.

“Tried. He’s scared and starving. Instinct is overriding my control of
his mind. We can’t risk him smelling blood and getting drawn into the
fight. He won’t be able to resist the impulse.”

I hate playing decoy, but Knox needs time. “Get him to the patrol boat.”

“Edon. I’m calling him Edon.”

Of course Knox named him. Even without one, Knox would still get
attached. His whole identity revolves around defending Legends. With
that kind of loyalty entrenched in his soul, he’ll never leave Shade.
It’s as noble and admirable as it is stupid. He’ll die for it one day.

Fists curled, I grit my teeth to restrain myself from bringing up old
arguments. Losing again will only hurt. “Fine. Get Edon to safety. If
you hear screaming, don’t worry, it’s me.”

I switch on instrumental music through my other earpiece. Drums,
piano, guitar, violin—rock versions of classical scores, background
music just loud enough to help me detach. So I can pretend not to feel
the pain I inflict on others with every life I take. Death is never
peaceful.

The cawing stops. Time’s up. I need the Venator’s attention now.

Running across the street, I scream like I’m being chased and hurtle
over the low ledge of a blown out window display, hunker down, and
wait for the enemy to find me. The concrete floor is charred black
save for the silhouettes of four people. One is a child. I scoot away
from the small handprint. Boots pounding the asphalt warn me of the
Venators’ approach and I pretend to startle the instant they enter my
field of view—two of them with weapons pointed at me. Not the whole
squad like I wanted. I’ll have to make more noise to lure in the rest.

“Identify yourself,” one says. He smells of fresh blood that isn’t
human, which means there was a Legend nearby we failed to save. The
guilt smothers me worse than the humidity.

“Samantha Winchester,” I lie, standing slowly with my hands up.

“She’s young,” says the other, ignoring my warning. “High school unit?”

“We’re too far out in the Dead Zone for that. What are you doing
here?” asks the first.

“I lost my sister, Deana,” I let my voice crack. “We got separated
hunting a cockatrice.”

“We’re on the move,” Knox says in my comm. “I’m carrying him. He’s
unconscious. Try not to spill any blood or he might wake.”

Good. Playing with the kill first is dangerous. I’d rather finish them quick.

The second Venator removes his mask, eyes narrowed at me in scrutiny as he
comes too close. “If you saw a cockatrice, you’d be dead.” He gestures
for me to show my face.

I comply and look straight him. “I’m immune.”

ReplyForward
Posted by Elizabeth Dawson at 12:03 AM
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8 comments:

  1. Mary JolleyApril 15, 2019 at 2:09 PM

    I love the world. So many awesome things happening in this opening. I think you made things a lot more clear. Good improvements. I was follow way better. I did still want more details. what can she see when she's crouched by the car? is she watching the venator creep closer? What do the venator look like? why are they here trying to take over the dead zone? Does she take her mask off at the end? How does the venator react? Does it know who/what she is?
    I like how you gave us the tidbit that her mother tried to kill her. that was a great little seed planted.
    “She’s young,” says the other, ignoring my warning.
    What is her warning you refer to in that line? Is Shade a place or a group or a person? It's okay if I'm not supposed to know, yet, but if I am, maybe make that a little more clear?
    Also I love the first paragraph.
    This is really well done!

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    1. Kyra PalmerApril 15, 2019 at 2:30 PM

      Oh, opps, the warning line shouldn't be there anymore. It is a reference to the cockatrice line that got moved further down. Darn typo. Thanks for catching that. And yes, she takes off her mask at the end of this, but maybe the comply line wasn't enough on it's own. And yes, the Venator's reaction is right after where this ends. The Dead Zone is explained more later in the chapter. The Dead Zone spans the entire globe, the humans were trying to take New Orleans specifically as a symbolic position. Do you want to know that sooner, or are you okay with waiting for that? Yeah, at the car, she's watching the Venators come down the street, I can try to make that clearer. They wear black tactical gear, which was in there at one point, but I hadn't realized it got stripped out during revisions, thanks for catching that.

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  2. Linda Smith KerwinApril 16, 2019 at 10:00 AM

    You did a nice job of trimming down the character introductions so the reader can focus on the Venators and their threat to Azrielle--although I did miss the description of the tree guardians. I hope you'll put that back in in later pages.

    I am fascinated by the Dead Zone and what role New Orleans will play in the world you created. I, too, want to know a bit more about Shade as it/they seem(s)to be a future point of contention between Azrielle and Knox. Maybe you could just add a quick description of what Shade is to ramp up the tension.

    I liked how you had Knox explain what a rougarou was in his dialogue. It was much more effective and caught my interest about this species.

    You are very good with description--the fog and the lost souls--and I think you could use it just a bit more to paint your picture. All in all, very nice work. I felt much more immersed in this world with this revision.

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  3. Lisa Gail GreenApril 17, 2019 at 10:36 AM

    Hi! I enjoyed your revision. You were able to keep the feel and intensity, but clarify a bit. I like the idea of making her unaware of ALL the different creatures so that it makes sense to have some explanations along with the reader. I also love where the first five ends now. I'd request more just to read on...
    One tiny little thing. I'd change it so that the second paragraph doesn't start with "As" and again this line feels like there's too much in it despite being such a lovely visual. I wonder if you can make it two sentences or something like that: "Fog hangs low like lost souls wandering the deserted streets of the French Quarter ruins."

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  4. abiApril 17, 2019 at 2:49 PM

    Great revision, love all your setting descriptions! I wonder if you could add even more, especially about the dystopian New Orleans. I feel like maybe there are a couple of missed opportunities for scene setting.

    Good job of cutting down on creature introductions, I don't feel so confused now! It's easier to keep up with your world.

    This is nitpicking, but this line stood out to me: "Careful not to touch the streetcar, I stand up." I feel like it should be switched around, so the action is first- "I stand up, careful not to touch the streetcar."

    Looking forward to see what you do in your next revision!

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  5. Paige WyattApril 17, 2019 at 11:14 PM

    Really nice revision here. I agree with the other comments. It's easier to follow along. I liked that you were able to stick to the action while also centering us in the world. I also like that you include a bit about Azrielle's motivation and why she's doing what she's doing. Very nicely done!

    There are some parts that I think you could show more instead of tell. This particularly stood out: "Even without one, Knox would still get
    attached. His whole identity revolves around defending Legends. With
    that kind of loyalty entrenched in his soul, he’ll never leave Shade.
    It’s as noble and admirable as it is stupid. He’ll die for it one day." It's good to give us a sense of who Knox is, but this could be done with just keeping it to "Of course Knox named him." Then maybe she could say to him, "You're as admirable as you are stupid. You'll die for it if you're not careful" and he could respond in a way that shows us that he is loyal or that he bases his identity around protecting Legends. I know it's kind of the same, but when you use dialogue, it's more showing since it's what she's saying to him and how they interact.

    This is such a cool story! I really enjoy being immersed in your world and you do a great job of pulling in your audience and keeping us interested while world building. Keep going! I can't wait to see the next version and the pitch.

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  6. Elizabeth DawsonApril 17, 2019 at 11:16 PM

    Comments by L.E. Sterling:


    Kyra, you should be rightly incredibly proud of this revision -- well done! You have established here in a few scant paragraphs an entire world, a complex scenario, and the makings of a complex relationship as well, too. Brava!


    I think you can tip the readers a bit further into your world, still. One of the best ways to draw a reader in is by showing them what is going on. (Golden rule: show, don’t tell). Don’t be afraid to slow down and give the reader a brief description of what the dead Venator squad looks like. Do they wear armor? Does it glint under the cover of darkness? Do they look human? (ARE they human?) Are they the narrator’s age? Do they have weapons? Which method did the narrator use to dispatch the Venator squad?


    I absolutely LOVE the building tension as you unravel for the readers what powers the narrator has. The tension in the closing lines is palpable -- great work!


    As for complex fighting scenes: it’s always good to give your nameless bad guys a defining characteristic or two and then call him/her by that. For instance, guy one could have big ears, or a shiny plate in the side of his head, or a metal eyepiece. Then name him by that: shiny. Or Pirate Bob. Or Dumbo. That way, the reader will never be disoriented during the action --- we’ll always know whether it’s Pirate Bob or Dumbo being brought down.


    Looking forward to reading more!! Great work!

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  7. Brenda DrakeApril 20, 2019 at 9:31 AM

    Kyra, sorry for not responding in time. I had read this and was going to turn it in my head and come back and respond but we had a small emergency with my son (all fine). Anyway, I couldn't think of anything to add to what the others suggested in their critiques. I love this premise, the voice, and the characters. I can't wait to read the query and the next revision! You are doing such a wonderful job - keep it up!!

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