Name:Katie Passerotti
Pitch:Genre: YA Fantasy Title: Lost Souls Seventeen-year-old Rook wants nothing more than to keep her sister safe and live quietly, surrounded by the plants she communicates with. But when a rogue dragon puts Rook's sister into an enchanted sleep, Rook must hunt down her sister's soulkin-- pairings of humans and creatures whose souls and magic compliment each other--to break the spell. She enlists the help of Finian, a boy born without a soul, and Kyrdra, a dragon exiled from her clutch. The path to finding her sister's soulkin is more treacherous than Rook imagined as her companions each have their own agendas. Finian is a fugitive, on the run from the ruthless daughter of the governor who wants his ability to manipulate souls to facilitate her rise to power. Kyrdra is seeking to fulfill an ancient prophecy that will allow stolen souls to be released from limbo and reborn into the world--allowing her banishment to be forgiven. As Rook becomes more desperate to save her sister, Finian is offered salvation in the form of the soul he so desperately craves. Accepting means betraying Rook and Kyrdra and forcing Finian to choose between being the monster or the hero of the story. Revision: Warning whispered through the trees as Rook chased her younger sister. Rook reached for Mareah’s arm, but her sister moved too quick and slipped away. Her echoing laugh was all that remained as Rook lost sight of her raven hair in the shadowed woods. Unlike Rook, Mareah couldn’t hear the tree’s murmurs and despite having promised to obey her, she’d taken off, forcing Rook into a game of fox and rabbit. As the responsible one, the adult, Rook should have made more of an effort to stop her. But Mareah's laughter, luminous and contagious, made her ignore the counsel of the trees. The bud of tension nestled in Rook’s heart unfurled and a smile stole across her lips. Brambles snagged on Rook's clothes as she burst into the small clearing. In ten strides she'd reached the massive Daelen tree that called the meadow home. She pressed her palms against the rough bark and a welcoming warmth prickled through her fingers. Sucking in a lungful of crisp, fall air, she looked for Mareah. “Where are you hiding?” Rook rolled her eyes. Mareah was always playing jokes—a mischievous streak she’d inherited from their father. She stepped back from the Daelan tree, her eyes sweeping the surrounding forest. The dense press of trees surrounding the clearing were nearly devoid of leaves, their branches scraping at the clouds like skeletal fingers. Thick undergrowth filled the space between their trunks, making it impossible to see deeper. Worry stirred in Rook’s belly. The clearing was barely a kilometer into the forest, but still farther than most dared to come. She’d made the mistake of going beyond the clearing only once. The memory of that day shivered through her, leeching the warmth of the midday sun from her skin. The creatures that inhabited the inner forest—imps, banshees, dragons, and worse—were not to be taken lightly. And Mareah knew better than to go past the Daelan tree. “Mareah!” The name echoed and unease skittered along Rook’s spine. She let her hand trail over the Daelan tree as she paced around its trunk. The tree was massive. Its bark a mottled grey and black, twisted together to create irregular ridges and more knotholes than she could count. Unlike the rest of the trees, it hummed with energy. Pale blue blossoms unfurled along its branches, brought to life by the autumn sun. While the rest of the forest drifted into its winter slumber, Daelan trees bloomed. Most people feared the Daelan tree, but Rook had never understood why. Of all the trees that whispered their secrets to her, the Daelan was the most human. Reaching the other side, Rook’s hand dropped to her hip. “Mareah.” Rook’s voice caught on the last sllyable. She shouldn’t have given in to her sister’s pleas to come along on her foraging trip; their mother never would have given permission. “We don’t have time to play games. If you don’t show yourself—” A hand grabbed her shoulder and Rook screamed. She whirled to find Mareah doubled over, trying to subdue her fit of laughter. “You never thought to look up,” she managed between giggles and pointed into the branches. Rook crossed her arms and raised her eyebrows, her gaze flicking from Mareah to the Daelan tree. “You cheated.” The wind shifted, sending a flurry of blue petals spiraling through the air. They whispered against her skin like an apology. Rook turned her stern look to Mareah. “You promised to behave. The forest is dangerous, there are creatures—” “I know,” Mareah interrupted, her expression suddenly too serious for a ten-year old. She worried her lower lip in her teeth. “I’m sorry.” Rook shook her head, her irritation fading. When had her sister started to grow up? “Don’t leave the clearing. Stay where I can see you.” Mareah grinned, grey eyes sparkling and took off, her arms outstretched, raven hair flying behind her. Rook turned her attention back to the tree. She drew a pair of thick leather gloves from her satchel and pulled on the right glove, but not the left. Stepping closer to the tree, she ran her bare fingers lightly over the trunk, searching for a place to harvest its sap. A sharp pain sliced through her thumb and Rook jerked her hand away. A thorn jutted from the tree, a bright drop of crimson trembling on its tip. Odd. In all her years of collecting sap, she’d never encountered a thorn. She brought her thumb to her mouth and sucked at the small wound. “Where did the thorn come from?” she murmured, pressing her hand to the bark once more. The Daelan tree didn’t answer and Rook sighed. Warmth pulsed beneath her fingers and the question was forgotten. She marked the spot with her nail and pulled on her other glove. Raw, the sap would cause painful blisters that would take weeks to heal. It wasn’t safe to handle until she’d refined it. After that, it became a potent remedy and the apothecary gave her a healthy cut of the profit from its sale. Money she and her sister desperately needed. Sunlight flashed off the polished blade Rook drew from her belt. It was shaped like a hawthorn leaf, wide and round at the bottom before tapering to a fine point. She drove the tip into the pulp of the tree. Rich amber bubbled from the wound and she deftly replaced the knife with a small tube attached to a glass vial. The golden liquid moved slowly, its sweet aroma reminding her of honey and sunflowers. Rook sank to the ground, pulling her gloves off as she settled amongst the tree’s massive roots. She hummed quietly, watching Mareah collect snakeroot and hummingbird blossoms. When her hands were full, her sister bounded over and dropped the plants between them. Plopping down next to Rook, she began to weave them into a crown. Words gathered on Rook’s tongue. It had been two months since they’d last heard from their mother. Two months where Rook’s meager earnings from the apothecary had barely been enough to feed Mareah. That she’d taken to begging scraps from her friend Bettina, who worked at one of the taverns in the city. But she couldn’t bring herself to say them. If she did, it would mean they were real, that something had happened to their mother and Rook refused to believe that. The tree creaked and Rook tilted her head to look up through its branches. Her gaze fell on the thorn and she straightened. A moth perched on its tip, its fragile wings bright scarlet with a burst of blue around the edges. Laughter bubbled from her at the sight of the creature cautiously unfurling its wings, as though it had just emerged from its cocoon. It drew a slender leg to its mouth and flexed its fuzzy antennae. “Mareah, look,” she whispered. “A baby dragon.” Her sister’s gaze flitted up and she giggled. The moth launched from its perch and spiraled toward them. Rook lifted her hand and the moth alighted on her fingers, tickling her skin as it explored the surface. “Is it really a dragon?” Mareah breathed, eyes wide as she leaned closer. “Maybe?” Rook didn’t have the heart to steal away her sister’s wonder. Mareah’s favorite stories were about soulkin—pairings of humans and creatures whose souls and magic complimented each other and forged an unbreakable bond. Mareah still believed she would find hers, just as Rook had at her age. |
First Five Pages Writing Workshop: Jump Start Your Novel and Career
Sunday, January 20, 2019
1st 5 Pages January Workshop - Passerotti Rev 2
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job with your pitch. Rook looks after her little sister, seeking to protect her. The relationship between the two is endearing. You did a great job further describing this fantasy world, combining it with real-world scenes ( moth and hummingbird blossoms). You clarified Mom’s abscence, introducing one of the many challenges that awaits Rook.
DeleteThank you! You're feedback and suggestions have been so helpful!
DeleteHi Katie!
ReplyDeleteI love what you did with the new first sentence! Though, flow-wise, the sentence is a bit too short to deliver a punch. It would be stronger and more immersive if you added something toward the end, maybe give the forest a name? "Warning whispered through the trees as Rook chased her younger sister across the Forest of [name]." Plus it would tell us immediately that this is fantasy.
The sentence about the tree's murmurs felt off, I didn't immediately make the connection with the whispered warnings mentioned earlier. The line with Mareah "couldn't hear" is a POV break, as there is no way Rook would know that. I suggest you trim down that paragraph. I feel like we got a better sense of urgency in the last revision.
That said, everything else flows nicely and I'm intrigued by the premise of your pitch! I'm getting Sleeping Beauty vibes. I love that Rook is the one doing the saving! My suggestion for your pitch is to keep the focus on one main character, and build the stakes and their goals around them. I don't know how many POVs you have, but the last paragraph is told through Finian's POV (while the rest of the pitch made it seem like it was Rook's), which made me wonder if he was the MC after all since his decision is the one that'll alter the story? Maybe you could reword that paragraph to make Finian the "villain" or the one thing that can stop Rook from getting what she wants. Good luck!
It was nice seeing your progression through the weeks! You did amazing revisions, congrats! :)
ugh! Thank you-- I will need to work on rephrasing the "Unlike Rook..." bit, it's not meant as a POV slip, its meant as knowledge the Rook already has because she knows her sister can't hear the trees. Do you think if I changed it to something along the lines of "Rook knew he sister couldn't hear the trees." that it would work better?
DeleteThank you so much for your suggestions and help! <3
Ooh, I like this story! Okay, starting with the pitch: In the first paragraph, I'm wondering if you could write your explanation of soulkin into the last sentence of that paragraph; incorporate it within to create more conflict. I only say this because leaving it the way it is takes me out of your blurb/story, which is good. Although I loved learning more about the motivations of your other characters, I think including their needs/wants/conflicts so specific within the blurb makes it confusing; there's too much information. Try barring the blurb down to - the MC (character), what she wants (goal), and what's standing in her way (conflict). Even if you mention 'those she recruits to help her', keep it simple. We don't need to know all about them yet. What you want is to give just enough to make us want to read more.
ReplyDeleteRevision:
I noticed your comment above about 'Unlike Rook...'. That information doesn't really fit where you have it. What if you 'showed' the reader this information with a brief roll of the eyes (bad example, but something) from Rook out of frustration that her sister can't hear the warning whispers like she can. Or you could also simply insert something like "... slipped away ...unable to hear the murmured caution from the trees like Rook." This would also add tension because the reader would feel like the character is in danger. And for some reason, I still don't like the use of the word adult. Maybe say she feels like the adult??? With this being a fantasy, that term could refer to lots of things.
Minor: the paragraph at the end where Mareah giggles at seeing the moth - I think leaving the giggling out makes the sentence more powerful. Other than what I've mentioned, I've really enjoyed your story. Thank you for sharing it with us!
Sheri~
Thank you so much for your help througout the workshop, I've really appreciated. I will keep working on that bit about Rook being able to hear the trees vs her sister not hearing them.
DeleteAnd I'll work to streamline my pitch. The novel has 3 POVs so I'm trying to balance that out with keeping the overall focus on Rook since she's the main-MC. *ugh* Thank again, my first pages have definitely grown over these past weeks!
Hi Katie,
ReplyDeleteGreat job on the revisions! I think your opening does a great job at introducing us to the main character, the story world, and initial conflict.
The Pitch:
I agree with the above comments that I got confused about the focus on Finian in the last paragraph. I'm not sure exactly how to write a pitch with three POV's but that felt jarring to me.
The Revision:
The first few paragraphs have a lot more info now, but I think you can iron them out a little more to avoid confusion. Also, I don't know that this part is overly important, but I still feel like Rook is talking to Mareah when she says "you cheated." The only clue is that she flicks her gaze between Mareah and the tree, but that doesn't mean she is talking to the tree if that makes sense. Just a minor addition like, "she said to tree" would help clear that up!
Great job on tightening this up!
Thank you so much for your feedback! It's definitely helped me make my first few pages stronger <3
DeleteI thought your last revision was pristine, but this is better. I like the nuance that Rook is not tapped into the trees and can't abide by their warning. Your writing is so lyrical..."words gathered" and "steal away wonder." It is so very powerful. It reminds me of Pat Conroy. I was mesmerized by his sentences, yet he continued to move his story along.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jeannie Lambert
Thank you! It's been wonderful getting to work with you, thank you you for your help over these past weeks.
DeleteThis is Erin posting for Amy:
ReplyDeleteHiya Katie,
You have done such thorough revisions! You are a strong world-builder and make good use of concrete details (thick leather gloves, mottled bark, pale blue blooms, the glass vial, that wonderful slender leg and fuzzy antennae!). I have a much greater understanding/sense of this world right off the bat. Nicely done.
I feel like I have a far greater sense of who Rook is – specifically her ability to hear the trees – it’s really great.
Now I’d ask you to look at your text and to use that old writing school advice, “kill your darlings.” There’s also some quote somewhere (that I couldn’t find – maybe Nabokov?) about the author not weeping in the text so that the reader may weep? I’m massacring that, I’m sure but what I mean is look out for overwriting – for areas where the words are instructing the reader to feel rather then evoking feeling. An example:
“But Mareah’s laughter, luminous and contagious, made her ignore the counsel of the trees.”
We already heard Mareah’s “echoing laugh” the text here could simply read “But Mareah’s laughter made her ignore the counsel of the trees,” and then we feel it with Rook – because we’re not told it’s “luminous and contagious” it somehow becomes more luminous and contagious. The text continues, “The bud of tension nestled in Rook’s heart unfurled and a smile stole across her lips.”
To my ear this is a little overwritten/overwrought. Also, does tension turn into something flowering? I think the reader sees Rook’s transformation well in her actions – she ignores her better sense and smiles at her sister’s fun.
When you watch out for instances like this, where the details are more florid and baroque than the situation calls for, your text becomes more spare and then, when the details are necessary, world-building (or suspense-building, or adventure- or love-, or, or, or…) then those details, the necessary ones, really pop - musical and imagistic words like “snakeroot and hummingbird blossoms” resonate and offer their richness to your story.
Your writing flows well and the pitch sounds great – I was a little confused by the last paragraph because it seems like it reads as if the story shifts to being Finian’s more than Rook’s? Not sure if I’m misunderstanding that part or not.
Great work – and good luck with the book!
Thank you so much! I'll work on getting in there and deleting all the superfluous words to make the pages stronger. I've really appreciated your insight and help over the course of this workshop. Thanks!
Delete