Name: Elisa Stryker
Genre: Young Adult Science Fantasy
Title: KONADAI
“If it can be created, it can be destroyed,” I mutter, staring at the data filling the holographic panel.
Then again, I’m sure the gods said the same thing about us.
The intercom emits a loud beep, snapping me from my thoughts. A calm, almost robotic voice pages one of the many doctors. My lab is isolated on the sixth floor, away from the coughing patients and scurrying medical staff. I prefer it this way. Cultivating a cure for the virus ravaging our island city requires me to tuck away the reality of the disease’s horror in my mind, rather than watching people die from it—especially those I know.
The door swings open and in strolls Dr. Anette Hanshaw, focused on the tablet she’s carrying, a manila folder tucked under her arm.
As I straighten myself in my chair, she drops the file onto my desk; another unwelcome addition to the ever-growing mountain of assigned labor. My chest tightens as I glance down at the stack of pages.
“Here are some paper files since you refuse to use tablets.” Anette’s unbuttoned lab coat reveals a red silk blouse, its color in stark contrast to her dark skin.
Genre: Young Adult Science Fantasy
Title: KONADAI
“If it can be created, it can be destroyed,” I mutter, staring at the data filling the holographic panel.
Then again, I’m sure the gods said the same thing about us.
The intercom emits a loud beep, snapping me from my thoughts. A calm, almost robotic voice pages one of the many doctors. My lab is isolated on the sixth floor, away from the coughing patients and scurrying medical staff. I prefer it this way. Cultivating a cure for the virus ravaging our island city requires me to tuck away the reality of the disease’s horror in my mind, rather than watching people die from it—especially those I know.
The door swings open and in strolls Dr. Anette Hanshaw, focused on the tablet she’s carrying, a manila folder tucked under her arm.
As I straighten myself in my chair, she drops the file onto my desk; another unwelcome addition to the ever-growing mountain of assigned labor. My chest tightens as I glance down at the stack of pages.
“Here are some paper files since you refuse to use tablets.” Anette’s unbuttoned lab coat reveals a red silk blouse, its color in stark contrast to her dark skin.
Paper doesn’t require power to operate.
I didn’t sign up for the mentorship to be
buried under mundane work. I’m here to be a virologist, not a secretary.
Blowing my bangs out of my face, I shove the
papers aside and grab my notebook from the drawer. I tap a pen against my lips
as I let out a long breath, none of my stress exhaled with it.
“Five patients diagnosed with the Konadai
Virus were pronounced dead by the time I left the cafeteria.” Anette
slides into her chair and pulls on a pair of gloves before filing through a box
of microscope slides. “The families didn’t bother to show up.”
Most families don’t.
The time from infection to death is an average of four hours. Family members would rather stay at home than watch their loved ones suffer. I’m not sure why paramedics continue to bring people here to die. Each time we create a new beta vaccine, the virus’ genetic makeup changes. I became an intern five months ago and seen three vaccines fail.
The new deaths bring the toll to over four hundred and thirty this year, and it’s only June. The toll raises each year, and that’s only the reported numbers.
I glance at the next page in the notebook. Not only is the disease spreading more rapidly, but the life overall expectancy is dropping. When I was born, teens working in this field was rare. Now, it’s expected. It’s one of the reasons Monanie Academy first opened. At age fifteen, I signed up for the virology internship program. The motto was Join the Future of Caara Island—one of the last inhabitable places on this ruined Earth. Here I am, two years later, working my way up the scientific ladder.
“Are you going over last week’s notes?” Anette
asks, staring into the microscope.
I’m far past last week’s anything.
“Hiromi?” Her voice stern.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“What you’ve learned so far?”
“Nothing I didn’t already know,” I mumble.
Anette glares at me, but it’s true. The project she assigned is old news. I learned most of it during my first year in the academy on the medical branch.
“Ma’am, most of this makes little to no sense. It’s been sixty years since scientists accidentally created the virus. It’s is mutating and every vaccine we create becomes useless within weeks.”
“I’m asking what you have
learned,” Anette says.
I sigh heavily, flipping back a few
pages. “A strain of the virus is airborne. Those with…umm…weaker immune
systems, including infants and the elderly, are the most vulnerable.”
My father knew all of this and he still got
sick.
Anette nods, turning back to the microscope.
“Good. These are all the things we need to keep in mind when experimenting with
the infected tissue samples.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
It’s hard not to keep it in mind. Out of everything I’ve learned,
tampering with our DNA and mahou leads to flesh-hungry mutants. We were created
by four gods with mahou running through our veins—the gift of psychic abilities
or the ability to produce fire, lightning, or energy waves from our fingertips.
Yet the gods failed to give earlier scientists the intelligence to not mix
mahou with science.
I scribble a few lines of data into my
notebook, underlining we humans are idiots.
The analyzer beeps, flashing little sparks of light over the small screen. A cutesy melody plays to get our attention. Some of the other researchers think it’s a nice way to brighten the outcome. To me, it’s the tune of defeat.
A list of results riddled with red marks shoots out of the front of the machine.
Sitting in her desk chair, Anette glides over to the glass-topped table. One of the plastic wheels clicks as it spins. She groans through clenched teeth and looks over her shoulder at me, shaking her head.
Another failed test.
“Do we have any more virus samples?”
Before I can speak, Anette pushes away from the analyzer toward the three-foot-tall, sterilized freezer. She swings open the door and a cold fog swirls out, dissipating into the warm air as she leans down.
“No, that was the last batch we had. We should have some of the first and second stage samples left over.”
Anette closes the freezer door, tapping her fingers on the side. She removes the blue latex gloves and scratches at the hairnet covering her short dark hair.
“No, Hiromi.” She says my name like I’m the
one who burned through all the samples. “I need full-blown Konadai infection
samples. We’ll work on the first stage next week.”
“Right, sorry.” I bite my lip to keep from
saying anything more, but we should work on the first stage now. If
we can slow down the virus’ progression, we might save lives—or at least allow
people to live a bit longer than four hours.
But what do I know? My current assignment is
to study the stack of cell cultures for abnormities, not question my
mentor. Pay attention to the calendar, she’ll say if I utter
a word against her schedule. I’m the professional. You’re my
intern. I roll my eyes at the thought of it. She kindly reminds me of
who I am so much, I can recite her little speech word for word. I’d rather gouge
my eyes out with forceps.
“I need you to transfer the papers I handed
you into digital format,” Anette says.
I nod, knowing she’s not looking at me. Do
this. Do that. It never ends.
One thing I’ve learned is to stay in my place.
According to Anette, that place is following her around with a
notebook and a smile. She treats me as if I'm some uneducated volunteer. I’m
proficient in the common viruses, such as the flu, unlike the other teens in
training who are only now learning the cure for the common cold.
Someone knocks on the door.
Anette, without looking up, motions for me to answer it.
I move away from the desk and walk to the entrance. Another researcher stands in the sterile hallway. Dark circles under her eyes make her appear much older, and her frizzy orange hair is pulled up into a messy bun.
You've given us a better feel for why a teen might be working in this field which gives it a much more young adult feel and I think you've cut down on the exposition in the conversation between the two characters.
ReplyDeleteI think you could still do more to reduce the exposition, for example, do we really need to know about the airborne virus at this point? Another thing you might consider is having one of them use this mahou power so that we find out about its pros and cons in a more natural way.
Your ending implies that the other researcher might be revealing something dramatic. If so, you might want to pull that in a bit so this ends on more of a cliffhanger.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing your query and final revision.
I like how you’ve added some important details that up the stakes for your main character. Like “especially those I know” and “My father knew all of this and he still got sick.” I feel like these are important details that hint at the story/conflict to come. But they’re very subtle hints only mentioned twice. Is that what’s got her stressed out? Or is it that she has to do mundane work, or that they’re not making progress. Because you do spend more time talking about those things rather than the mystery of her father.
ReplyDeleteI’m a little confused by this statement: “Not only is the disease spreading more rapidly, but the life overall expectancy is dropping.” Does that mean the people on the island are dying sooner, unrelated to the virus? Then what’s causing it? I understand we can’t learn everything in the first five pages, but these are the questions I have when I read this.
There seems to be a missing word here: “Her voice stern.” And an extra one here: “It’s is mutating…”
When Anette asked what she’s learned, she says nothing she didn’t already know, but then goes on to talk about things she has learned. I’m a little confused about this interchange between the two and what it means. It’s hard with a 5 page sample, because I realize you can’t reveal everything at once. Normally, I’d just read on to find out!
I’m still confused about the paragraph on mixing mahou with science. Is the flesh-hungry mutant the virus?
I like your writing style a lot, and the quick, witty pace and snappy way you handle the first person present. Despite my questions, you’ve built up enough intrigue with the plot and MC in this sample that would make me want to read on! Nice job!
Yeeees, such nice revisions in this -- thank you for weaving in her age, why she's there, her frustration with her current role. This is all now clearly YA and I'm already invested in this young woman's world. I think at this point, the next step is to dig into each sentence, read it out loud to yourself, see where you can make it tighter, cleaner, richer in language. This is such an interesting and engaging story!
ReplyDeleteVery nice revision! I love how you've added some of the things about the virus killing people she knows. It gives her a very human and relatable side right away. And it's so great to see inklings of why she's invested. (Sorry, I actually don't know the character's gender. Just assuming here...)
ReplyDeleteThis is particularly nice: The words cling to my throat.
My father knew all of this and he still got sick.
I think there are spots where it's still a little info heavy--sometimes less is more. :) And the part about the mahou lost her voice a bit. Perhaps smooth that over again so it reads how she would think it, instead of a line of information.
I think from here, really go through and smooth each line and see how they flow together. Sometimes it really captures her voice, and other times it seems more like information. For example, this is gold: I scribble a few lines of data into my notebook, underlining we humans are idiots.
So is this: Anette glares at me, but it’s true. The project she assigned is old news. I learned most of it during my first year in the academy on the medical branch.
This doesn't really read the same voice: I glance at the next page in the notebook. Not only is the disease spreading more rapidly, but the life overall expectancy is dropping. When I was born, teens working in this field was rare. Now, it’s expected. It’s one of the reasons Monanie Academy first opened. At age fifteen, I signed up for the virology internship program.
See what I mean? So fine tune really sinking into that amazing voice you've created for each line and see how it feels.
Wonderful job!
I liked the new details you added to help us understand the main character and where she stands in this world. I loved that you added the snippets about her father and it instantly made me want to know more.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you fleshed out more details about mahou, but I think it might help the story to know how mahou and science can't mix. What happened that they came to this deduction? And I agree with Ben that it would be nice to see one of these gifts in action.
Overall, I think you made great revisions to this and can't wait to read next week!