Name: Loie Dunn
Genre: YA fantasy
Title: EVREN
Chapter One
*
Something wasn’t right with the sea.
Evren scrutinized the batch of red-eyed fish that hung from her long silver wire, their bellies bloated. That morning she had gone down to the edge of Ionoke Island’s best fishing nook, and found more fish washed ashore, limp and pallid.
She gazed out at the glittering sapphire water surrounding the island in all its glory. The breeze flurried off the sea like invisible threads, tickling her face. White foam lapped at her black boots. Glistening silver and white granite rocks gathered around the corner of the island. Everything looked fine from the outside. The fish told a different story. Their home was in trouble.
“What is she doing to you guys?” Evren bit the bottom of her lip. The Sea Queen wouldn’t curse her own kingdom, would she?
She shivered and gripped the wire so tight that it cut into the middle of her palm. As she watched the blood trickle down her hand, she felt her thoughts spiraling. Why was the sea warming? What would that mean for her? If she couldn’t fish, how was she going to make money? Captains weren’t exactly looking for the navigator who had a death wish stamped to her back.
The murderous invisible pirates - the Naja - were looking for her. Why? She still didn’t know, and she had been asking that question for years.
“Bastards.”
All I need is enough money to fly across the seas and leave this wretched place and the Naja behind.
Straightening her back, Evren gritted her teeth and peered down the main drag of Ionoke. It was time to try and sell her rotten fish to Olly. It would have to do for now. She always got out of scrapes in the past. She would this time as well.
The shale cobblestone stretched out unevenly, rocks jutting out here and there, for hundreds of meters. Little ochre and red brick shops dotted either side of the road, some roofs dilapidated, black shingles peeling off in the blazing sun. Owners hollered across the street at each other, bargaining for better prices on dried fruits, leather, and spices. Some stalls were quickly whipped together with blue canvas to guard against the blazing orange sunbeams that poured down on the marketplace.
She peered down the road and sighed in relief. Olly was there.
The old fisherman was all set up for the day. He would have that stall, hell or highwater, and that’s one thing she respected about him. It was a makeshift box, built together with scraps of driftwood and held together by ancient rusted nails.
“Olly!” She slammed down the string of fish on his table soaked with fish guts and blood, wincing as a silver scale dug into her palm.
“There ye are, the strange one with the sea-green eyes who always brings me fatter fish than the others.” The old man had crinkly black eyes and wild white hair that stood up in every direction. One of his fingers was missing from his left hand.
He peered closely at her find, the tip of his nose almost touching one of the bloated fish. “What the feck is wrong with them?”
“The wench brings you rotten fish, did she, old man?” A snarling voice pulled Evren from her daydream of hearty soup and a fat buttered roll.
She swiveled on the heel of her leather boots, not removing the placid expression on her face.
Parta was a real piece of work.
The supposed man of the town strutted around in his long velvet cape and boasted of great sea adventures he had been on.
“Well look who it is,” she drawled, the wind pulling at the violet scarf tied tightly around her face, hiding everything but her eyes, “It’s the fisherman who never catches anything. Are you sure you’re a fisherman or are you just telling everyone you are, so you don’t seem like a waste of time to this island?”
“You shut it,” he hissed, eyes bulging out of a tanned face, copper curls wet with sweat and glued to his forehead. “I’ve been fishing all week. I haven’t been able to catch anything since you arrived. You’ve poisoned our waters. Why look at the fish you brought. Olly, those aren’t even normal looking!”
“I overheard you telling people you can get to Rusalka’s Lair,” she began, raising a dark eyebrow at him, knowing this would irritate him.
Parta’s hands grew into fists and he shook one at her. “You know as well as I do, that’s a lie. No one can find Rusalka’s Lair.”
“I can.”
“No, you can’t!”
No one in the history of time had been able to get to the Sea Queen’s lair. The Sea Queen reigned over the ocean. She could move coves and cliffs, could beckon the monsters from below to devour sailors and pirate ships. Rusalka could call on her nymphs to lure men and women alike with their seductive ways to the cold watery depths of the sea. No one dared to go to Rusalka’s Lair nor would they ever be able to find it.
Evren straightened and felt a small secret smile break across her lips as he continued to list the reasons why one couldn’t find Rusalka.
“She’s magicked her cove, so no one can find it. She has illusion spells hiding it from the most cunning pirate. I even heard she sends Deblonsk, the sea monster after anyone who gets close to her cove.” Parta finally folded his arms and scowled. “So, you see, what you heard was a lie. I cannot get to Rusalka’s Lair. You cannot either!”
Evren just shrugged. “Yes, I can.”
She could navigate to Rusalka’s Lair. Not without treachery and sea monsters and blood.
But she could, she was the best. That’s what the best did: they did the impossible. With that said she didn’t need to go around, puffing her chest out and hollering out for all to hear.
As if knowing he couldn’t get her to budge on that topic, he blurted, “Witch! Look at the fish you’ve brought.”
“Stuff it, Parta. The ocean’s going through a rough patch. These aren’t even fish, by any comparison. It’s all I could find. And by the way, I’m not a witch, though the proper term is mage.”
One of Ionoke’s inhabitants dressed in all silver drifted past, hundreds of glistening candles floating behind her, bobbing up and down as if they knew they had a great mission to partake in.
Amataru’s Sun Festival. Their land’s sun goddess.
Evren turned on Parta, his cavernous mouth opening to retort against what she had just said but she beat him to it.
“Though, if I were a mage, I would do more than play around with magic.” Shaking her head, she stared after the mage and the bobbing candles. “What a waste.”
“It’s not a waste! It’s for Amataru.”
“I think Amataru would be fine if we didn’t spend so much time and effort on decorating the island, and instead tried to help its inhabitants who are starving.”
Parta’s eyes bulged as he opened his mouth, a stream of noise exiting his mouth. Evren’s eyes followed the bobbing candles down the cobblestone road, children pausing from their game of catch to point and laugh at the mage in red.
“That’s heresy!”
Genre: YA fantasy
Title: EVREN
Chapter One
*
Something wasn’t right with the sea.
Evren scrutinized the batch of red-eyed fish that hung from her long silver wire, their bellies bloated. That morning she had gone down to the edge of Ionoke Island’s best fishing nook, and found more fish washed ashore, limp and pallid.
She gazed out at the glittering sapphire water surrounding the island in all its glory. The breeze flurried off the sea like invisible threads, tickling her face. White foam lapped at her black boots. Glistening silver and white granite rocks gathered around the corner of the island. Everything looked fine from the outside. The fish told a different story. Their home was in trouble.
“What is she doing to you guys?” Evren bit the bottom of her lip. The Sea Queen wouldn’t curse her own kingdom, would she?
She shivered and gripped the wire so tight that it cut into the middle of her palm. As she watched the blood trickle down her hand, she felt her thoughts spiraling. Why was the sea warming? What would that mean for her? If she couldn’t fish, how was she going to make money? Captains weren’t exactly looking for the navigator who had a death wish stamped to her back.
The murderous invisible pirates - the Naja - were looking for her. Why? She still didn’t know, and she had been asking that question for years.
“Bastards.”
All I need is enough money to fly across the seas and leave this wretched place and the Naja behind.
Straightening her back, Evren gritted her teeth and peered down the main drag of Ionoke. It was time to try and sell her rotten fish to Olly. It would have to do for now. She always got out of scrapes in the past. She would this time as well.
The shale cobblestone stretched out unevenly, rocks jutting out here and there, for hundreds of meters. Little ochre and red brick shops dotted either side of the road, some roofs dilapidated, black shingles peeling off in the blazing sun. Owners hollered across the street at each other, bargaining for better prices on dried fruits, leather, and spices. Some stalls were quickly whipped together with blue canvas to guard against the blazing orange sunbeams that poured down on the marketplace.
She peered down the road and sighed in relief. Olly was there.
The old fisherman was all set up for the day. He would have that stall, hell or highwater, and that’s one thing she respected about him. It was a makeshift box, built together with scraps of driftwood and held together by ancient rusted nails.
“Olly!” She slammed down the string of fish on his table soaked with fish guts and blood, wincing as a silver scale dug into her palm.
“There ye are, the strange one with the sea-green eyes who always brings me fatter fish than the others.” The old man had crinkly black eyes and wild white hair that stood up in every direction. One of his fingers was missing from his left hand.
He peered closely at her find, the tip of his nose almost touching one of the bloated fish. “What the feck is wrong with them?”
“The wench brings you rotten fish, did she, old man?” A snarling voice pulled Evren from her daydream of hearty soup and a fat buttered roll.
She swiveled on the heel of her leather boots, not removing the placid expression on her face.
Parta was a real piece of work.
The supposed man of the town strutted around in his long velvet cape and boasted of great sea adventures he had been on.
“Well look who it is,” she drawled, the wind pulling at the violet scarf tied tightly around her face, hiding everything but her eyes, “It’s the fisherman who never catches anything. Are you sure you’re a fisherman or are you just telling everyone you are, so you don’t seem like a waste of time to this island?”
“You shut it,” he hissed, eyes bulging out of a tanned face, copper curls wet with sweat and glued to his forehead. “I’ve been fishing all week. I haven’t been able to catch anything since you arrived. You’ve poisoned our waters. Why look at the fish you brought. Olly, those aren’t even normal looking!”
“I overheard you telling people you can get to Rusalka’s Lair,” she began, raising a dark eyebrow at him, knowing this would irritate him.
Parta’s hands grew into fists and he shook one at her. “You know as well as I do, that’s a lie. No one can find Rusalka’s Lair.”
“I can.”
“No, you can’t!”
No one in the history of time had been able to get to the Sea Queen’s lair. The Sea Queen reigned over the ocean. She could move coves and cliffs, could beckon the monsters from below to devour sailors and pirate ships. Rusalka could call on her nymphs to lure men and women alike with their seductive ways to the cold watery depths of the sea. No one dared to go to Rusalka’s Lair nor would they ever be able to find it.
Evren straightened and felt a small secret smile break across her lips as he continued to list the reasons why one couldn’t find Rusalka.
“She’s magicked her cove, so no one can find it. She has illusion spells hiding it from the most cunning pirate. I even heard she sends Deblonsk, the sea monster after anyone who gets close to her cove.” Parta finally folded his arms and scowled. “So, you see, what you heard was a lie. I cannot get to Rusalka’s Lair. You cannot either!”
Evren just shrugged. “Yes, I can.”
She could navigate to Rusalka’s Lair. Not without treachery and sea monsters and blood.
But she could, she was the best. That’s what the best did: they did the impossible. With that said she didn’t need to go around, puffing her chest out and hollering out for all to hear.
As if knowing he couldn’t get her to budge on that topic, he blurted, “Witch! Look at the fish you’ve brought.”
“Stuff it, Parta. The ocean’s going through a rough patch. These aren’t even fish, by any comparison. It’s all I could find. And by the way, I’m not a witch, though the proper term is mage.”
One of Ionoke’s inhabitants dressed in all silver drifted past, hundreds of glistening candles floating behind her, bobbing up and down as if they knew they had a great mission to partake in.
Amataru’s Sun Festival. Their land’s sun goddess.
Evren turned on Parta, his cavernous mouth opening to retort against what she had just said but she beat him to it.
“Though, if I were a mage, I would do more than play around with magic.” Shaking her head, she stared after the mage and the bobbing candles. “What a waste.”
“It’s not a waste! It’s for Amataru.”
“I think Amataru would be fine if we didn’t spend so much time and effort on decorating the island, and instead tried to help its inhabitants who are starving.”
Parta’s eyes bulged as he opened his mouth, a stream of noise exiting his mouth. Evren’s eyes followed the bobbing candles down the cobblestone road, children pausing from their game of catch to point and laugh at the mage in red.
“That’s heresy!”
Hey Loie,
ReplyDeleteI LOVE the first line. It’s intriguing and certainly makes me want to read on. I also like that there’s a story there about her that I’m interested to know. And you have beautiful descriptions.
Something I noticed was the use of long descriptions throughout the piece with the adjectives. I felt they slowed the pace and prevented me from being able to connect with the characters. I would advise that you cut out the unnecessary words to quicken the pace and allow us to get to the characters and the story without being inundated with the extra words. Your descriptions can still be beautiful without them. Just keep the ones you need.
Oh, and I winced, too, when the silver scale dug into her palm.
I hope this helps!
Good luck with the revision. I'm looking forward to reading the next draft.
Awww thank you so much, Sophie! Yes, I sometimes use too many adjectives haha. I will definitely cut some. Thanks heaps <3
DeleteHi Loie!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the wordsmithery in your opening paragraphs! Lots of color and great description. It's a beautifully imagined world you're creating.
There were a few moments that jarred me a little bit, and I think it might be helpful to point them out.
The first moment: "Captains weren’t exactly looking for the navigator who had a death wish stamped to her back..."
Of course, that made me wonder what it means to have a death wish on your back in this world...so imagine my consternation when you moved right along to the next thing without explanation. ;) I'm exaggerating, but that phrase does raise instant questions that lead away from the immediate narrative.
Next: "The murderous invisible pirates - the Naja - were looking for her. Why? She still didn’t know, and she had been asking that question for years."
This was another intriguing moment that (of course) raises immediate questions. It's possible that her thoughts just flit to the murderous invisible pirates for a second and then dart away again...but since they seem like a more pressing problem than dying fish, it took some effort to get back on track with the scene.
Finally: "She could navigate to Rusalka’s Lair. Not without treachery and sea monsters and blood. But she could, she was the best. That’s what the best did: they did the impossible. With that said she didn’t need to go around, puffing her chest out and hollering out for all to hear."
She seems very sure of herself, which I'm sure is the point. But her thoughts here seem so general that I'm left wondering whether to take them at face value. How do you want us to interpret her mood here--as specific experience (the sea queen's lair exists, and she's been there) or as devil may care confidence (if the sea queen's lair is real, she's sure she can get there)?
You're off to a great start, with lots of intrigue. Keep it up!
Hello AJ, great points there! I am going to re-work my pages with yours and the other's comments in mind. Good point about her confidence about navigating. Going to add a bit more there :)
DeleteHi Loie,
ReplyDeleteI really liked your first line. It certainly hooked me.
It seems like you have a cool world here with a lot going on in it. That said, I felt like there was a lot of information here. Be careful how much you give to your reader. Let them get grounded in the world little by little so they can full appreciate everything that’s going on.
I would have liked to know more about Evren. How old is she? Does she live alone? Does she actually have magic?
I really liked a lot of your descriptions. It was easy to visualize and you painted a beautiful picture of this land.
I would be careful with her boasting about her abilities. She has yet to do anything nice and she runs the risk of coming across as cocky and eventually unlikeable. Maybe have her do something nice for Olly or someone/something else. Get your audience on her side before she makes claims of grandeur about herself.
I think there are too many questions in a row. Give your reader a chance to process each one and try to understand what they mean. I think you could cut “What could that mean for her?” and still have what you intended.
Does she literally have a stamp on her back? If so, what is it? How did she get it? If not, then maybe give more of an explanation as to what is meant by this.
The introduction of the Naja is cool and could have a real impact but the way you introduce it is telling. Maybe you can do it another way to get everything out of it that you want.
I also wanted to know more about her flying. I’ve read a lot of fantasy and rarely see flying as part of those worlds. So I thought it was cool that you have it in yours. I hope you explain it in your later chapters.
Hope this is helpful. If you have any questions, let me know. Good luck with your revisions.
Charlie
Hey Charlie, thanks for your comments. Very helpful. I am going to re-work the part about the Naja and her boasting. Good luck revising to you too :)
DeleteHi, Loie! Thank you for submitting to the First Five Pages Workshop! You have a great hook in the beginning with the conflict coming out right away. However, I think the first line you have, “Something wasn’t right with the sea,” is not as effective as beginning with the first full paragraph. The first line of that paragraph, “Evren scrutinized the batch of red-eyed fish that hung from her long silver wire, their bellies bloated,” really grounds the reader and gives us the MC, a sense of the setting, and the conflict (something’s not right with the fish). To strengthen that first line and make it even more effective, you could say “bellies oddly bloated” or “unusually bloated” so we know something is not right and she is worried as she’s scrutinizing.
ReplyDeleteWhen you get to this line, “The murderous invisible pirates - the Naja - were looking for her. Why? She still didn’t know, and she had been asking that question for years,” I feel like too much is told here. If you just give us the first part of that line and leave the Why? And save the rest of the information for later, then that is all the reader needs, I think.
I love Olly! You describe him well. But as she’s talking to him, she suddenly is pulled out of a daydream I didn’t know she was having. That’s a bit jolting. I also get confused by some of the description thrown in that could be mentioned before to help ground the reader, like her red scarf, which is a great piece of character description. Also, the fact that a festival is going on or about to happen. Maybe as she’s going to see Olly, she has to look past all the activity to see his stand. Then I’m not surprised that there is a ceremonial event passing by while she’s with Olly.
Also, Parta accuses her of being a witch, as if this is a very negative thing, but when she says she’s a mage and then talks about how the festival and what the mage passing by is doing is a waste, Parta fiercely defends the event. So I’m confused about where Parta stands and how the mages fit into the characters’ viewpoints.
By the end of the five pages, I do feel as if I want to read more, but some of that is just to try to figure out how all these pieces of this world work together. I’m not quite sure what the main conflict is yet and can only speculate that it is that the fish are dying, which means the end of her livelihood, and thus, her safety.
I hope this helps! Looking forward to seeing the next draft!
Hi Heather, those are some great questions and comments! I am going to edit the part about her daydreaming about food and also about the mage part :) I love the addition of 'unusually bloated' - perfect !
DeleteI am excited to revise!
Hi Loie!
ReplyDeleteI'm SO late! I apologize. I think everyone said all the things I felt here. It's definitely an intriguing start with great imagery. A bit of tightening that's already been pointed out, along with clarification on the above comments, will make it that much stronger — specifically as Heather mentioned about emphasizing the main conflict. But overall, strong start!
Hi Candyland :) That's great - I am going to work on tightening some of the over description haha. Thank you so much !
DeleteHi Loie!
ReplyDeleteI have to say that I love the Pacific Islands feel to this world. The Sea Queen and the Pirates obviously bring me to the Little Mermaid place, but I'm desperately hoping you'll bring some new twist to that. I also loved Evren's easy and spunky demeanor when she interacted with Olly and Parta. I really, really love the morality question you posed of mages using their power for show when they could be using it to help the needy of the village. It especially worked for me, because it felt natural to the moment.
My suggestions:
1. This is kind of abstract, but I'd love to see your setting descriptions flow from her movement within the environment rather than from her merely looking at it. It's a show vs. tell thing, but also part of allowing your reader to picture the world through the eyes of your main character, which is really important in a third-person narrative. Right now you're telling us about the environment, rather than showing it to us through her narrative. For example:
She gazed out at the glittering sapphire water surrounding the island in all its glory. The breeze flurried off the sea like invisible threads, tickling her face. White foam lapped at her black boots. Glistening silver and white granite rocks gathered around the corner of the island.
So, she’s gazing out at the water, then quickly looks down at her boots then up to the rocks? That’s hard to picture. But if we see this stuff WITH HER as part of her thought process, then rather than "White foam lapped at her boots," we’d read, "She stepped farther into the surf, and watched the white foam gather around the ankles of her boots." Rather than “Why was the sea warming?” you could have her dip her hand into the water and remark that the water felt too warm for that time of year. (That last detail has the added effect of showing us that the MC is really familiar with the sea.)
One a side note, that descriptive paragraph was little choppy for me. And I think it's because you use too many similar sentence structures in a row. From the end of the paragraph:
White foam lapped at her black boots. Glistening silver and white granite rocks gathered around the corner of the island. Everything looked fine from the outside. The fish told a different story. Their home was in trouble.
The last five sentences are subject/verb/object. I'd suggest mixing up your structures/combining a few to improve flow. Also it’s hard for me to imagine “the corner” of an island. Maybe there’s a more accurate descriptor to use?
2. Watch your use of questions. In two paragraphs after the description above, you ask six questions. It’s so early in the story that we don’t have context to even guess at the answers, so it comes off more as a way to introduce information than as an organic presentation of your character’s thinking. And I think there’s a more artful way to handle that info.
I’d suggest cutting the “death wish” and “Naja” info from the beginning. You don’t need it, and it reads like a non sequitur. The mystery of the dying fish and the intro of the Sea Queen, the festival, the mages…that’s all enough to keep your reader wanting more.
Also, you have a person shift to “I” in the “fly across the seas” paragraph.
3. I’d suggest reading the dialogue aloud, with a friend if you are able. Make sure it sounds real and flows naturally. I got snagged a few times and I felt like the transitions between topics as she’s speaking to Parta could use some work. Several of their conversation shifts read like non sequitur to me.
For example, maybe the witch/mage comments could come after the mage walks by with the floating candles, not just before. Have the conversation flow from what’s happening around them? (Also, you say she’s in silver when she’s introduced and then say she’s wearing red when the children are staring, so you’ll want to fix that.)
There’s a lot to love here! Let me know if you have any questions!
Thanks,
Heather Petty
First 5 Mentor
Hello,
ReplyDeleteGreat start to the chapter, you set the world and letting us know where the MC is within the first para. but when your MC is describing the market I felt your presence as a writer. Since she has been there before she would think about it like the way it had always been or maybe something things changed that made her wonder if Olly was there.
I love the way Olly talks, it makes him feel real and gives me an instant image of the kind of man he is, or where he came from. Again when you mention one of his fingers were missing, your Mc wouldn't point it out like that. she could say even after so many days he still couldn't get used to the missing finger. (Show vs tell)
I do agree with other comments, the described slowed the pace and it took some time for me to get back into the story.
When you giving hints about the death stamp and Naja looking for here and the sea queens lair, it made me feel like two scenes were happening. If possible try to make them more subtle and give more info to keep readers hooked. also instead of using all three in the same chapter may introduce them slowly one at a time it might help to hook readers more easily.
So far I am hook due to the world building which is great and the descriptions just add on to the image perfectly. but I would like to know something more about her, something that she would do. hope that makes sense.
Looking forward to reading the revision, Good luck.