Sunday, February 18, 2018

1st 5 Pages February Workshop- Woropay Rev 2

Name: Larysia Woropay
Genre: Young Adult Paranormal Fantasy
Title: Extrasensory

Pitch

Seventeen-year-old Quinn Brooke is the latest in a long line of mediums. She and her mother consider it their duty to take on paranormal cases, tussling with poltergeists and banishing wraiths on the regular. But when their latest client transforms into a bloodthirsty dragon, they’re at a loss for words, much less solutions.
Looking for answers, Quinn joins forces with her high school’s outcast paranormal group run by a dork who pushes every. Single. One. Of. Her. Buttons! and the new girl from India who has an unconventional mediumship of her own. Together, they discover a pagan god known as the Stag is turning man into myth, transforming the locals into fantastical creatures for his new kingdom on Earth.
No one is safe. Not even Quinn’s mother, who is kidnapped and turned into a Monarch to rule the Stag’s empire. In order to save not only their home, but those they love, the teens have to do more than just get along — they’ll have to elevate the abilities they already have and discover ones they never even knew existed. Assuming, of course, their turned friends and family don’t kill them first …

Pages

Visitors are coming. The dead man whispered to Quinn, the sound like the rustle of dry leaves on an omen wind. It struck her with an abrupt chill, even though he wasn’t a ghost to be feared. Evil spirits couldn’t get into her house. At least, they hadn’t yet.

Quinn glanced at the crimson glow of the clock atop her nightstand. It was three a.m. The Devil’s Hour. Dread pooled in her stomach like liquid ice. The ghost hadn’t made a statement. It delivered a warning.

She pushed back the duvet and stood, hairs rising on the back of her neck. Her toes curled into the carpet as a shiver raced down to her soles. She rubbed her bare arms, textured with gooseflesh. Quinn pulled on an oversized sweater and slid into her slippers before making her way into the hallway. Her mother stood in a robe outside her bedroom across the hall.

“We’re going to have company.” Quinn said as they locked eyes, twin gray mirrors reflecting back at each other.

“The blessing must not have worked.” Her mother said, pushing a strand of raven hair behind her ear. She sighed. “We better prepare for our guests.”

“You mean Ms. Harker and Emily … or the thing stalking them?”

“Both,” her mother answered.

Quinn remembered when Diana Harker and her toddler first came to their house last week under the hushed cover of night. The hood of Ms. Harker’s windbreaker had been pulled over her head like she was entering the lair of a dark cabal instead of a welcoming home. Just like everyone else in town, afraid to be seen on Quinn’s doorstep.

Her mother had read tarot cards for years, and occasionally, when a client found themselves in the midst of a haunting, she provided another kind of service: cleansing. Better known as evicting a troublesome ghostly squatter out of someone’s home. Sometimes the spirit needed a gentle talking to. Other times, a forceful kick in the metaphysical rear. And since her mother was a psychic medium, she was just the lady to do it. Soon enough, Quinn would be, too.

Quinn crossed her arms. “Are we going to tell her what she’s up against this time?”

“ … Yes.” Her mom said. “There’s no point in trying to protect her from the truth any longer. I’m scared for her little girl. If she’s coming back, it’s because that thing has finally made a move for her.”

Ms. Harker had said the paranormal activity began with Emily’s baby monitor. It picked up strange sounds, guttural mumbles and a man uttering one word: “mine.” At first, there was no culprit to be seen. Then on the third night, a pitch-black figure had stood over Emily’s crib. The mediums knew then it would escalate, they just didn’t know how soon.

Quinn shook her head. “If we warned her properly, that thing wouldn’t be headed here right now.”

“If we had warned her properly, Quinn, she would have been terrified senseless. You know the consequences of that.” Her mother wrapped the robe tighter around herself and padded to the end of the hall, having enough with the discussion. She flicked the hall light on and rounded the corner, and one by one, more lights illuminated their home.

“I swear, mom, you want to coddle the normies.” Quinn trailed her. Her mother didn’t want to upset their clients, but Quinn felt it was like lying by omission. Knowledge was power, power that could have kept Emily safe. “It’s terrifying her senseless anyways! That’s what it does! It’s a—!”

An explosive pounding resounded through their modest bungalow. Quinn jumped, choking on her words. Her head snapped towards the front door. She could feel in her gut the unwelcome company behind it.

They’ve come.

“Maria! Maria, please!” It wasn't only Ms. Harker's cries Quinn heard, but something old and malevolent stirring in the remnants of silence. “Let us in!”

“Guard yourself, Quinn.” Her mother warned, coming closer.
“I know.” Quinn steeled herself. “It’s out there.”

Quinn’s mom opened the door, the front porch light revealing their guests. Ms. Harker’s face was red, her eyes puffy from the tears that streaked her cheeks. Emily’s face wasn’t much better as her tiny fingers grabbed at her mother’s shirt. Wide-eyed relief graced Ms. Harker at Maria’s forced smile. “Oh, Maria! Thank God!”

The entity rose from behind Ms. Harker, pulling itself up from the shadows. Quinn’s heartbeat spiked to a frantic staccato as inky darkness slid off of it, revealing a powerful anthropomorphic frame adorned with a russet coat of fur. It wore a crown of bone-white antlers, spreading back and wide like it was a stag. Its gaze slid past Quinn’s mother and onto her. It licked its chops, tasting her fear.

“Quickly!” Quinn’s mother flung open the screen door and grabbed Ms. Harker, pulling her in. She threw a look over her shoulder, seeing Quinn frozen in place, eyes locked with the entity. “QUINN!”

Quinn ripped her eyes away, her skin crawling.

The entity’s head snapped back to her mother. It lunged, only to be met with the spiritual equivalent of an electrical fence as soon as it tried to cross the threshold. The jolt sent it staggering back. Her mother slammed the door shut. After several moments of uncomfortable silence, she finally said: “Quinn, love, put on a pot of coffee. Warm up some milk for Emily, too.”

Quinn obeyed with a shaky sigh, torn between feeling like an idiot for freezing on the spot and annoyed her mother was keeping up with her calm-and-collected charade.

“It hurt her!” Ms. Harker cradled her daughter closer. Emily nestled into her mother’s bird’s nest of strawberry blond hair, quietly sobbing. “The blessing only made it angrier!”

“To the couch.” Quinn’s mom led them into the living room. “Sit, sit.”

Quinn got a look at the pair before she went into the kitchen. Ms. Harker sat, not releasing her grip on Emily. Her eyes darted. The woman didn’t have a shred of sixth sense, but she had all the others. Something triggered a primal fear in her. Instinct took over. Protect the child, it told her; something comes for her.

“It’s okay, Diana.” Quinn’s mother reassured. “It can’t come in. Not here, not my home.” Ms. Harker’s shoulders softened, but not her embrace.

The scent of coffee promising to fill cups in short order began to permeate the air. Quinn grabbed a carton of milk and a pot, ignoring the window over the sink, its curtains wide open. As soon as her mother closed the door, she could feel the thing circling the house, trying to sneak in. At last, it stopped moving. Outside that thin pane of glass.

It was close enough that she could sense the rise and fall of its chest, could hear the rattling of its breath. It watched her hungrily. She learned from last time. She wouldn’t look up. Even when the urge to was almost all-consuming. It wasn’t merely her curiosity. It was as if a hand was cradling her chin, urging her to lift her gaze. Its hand.

Mimicking nonchalance, Quinn turned a burner on, preparing the soothing warm milk. It was then she realized her mother’s faux blasé attitude had its merits in times like these.

“What happened?” Her mother’s voice carried from the other room.

8 comments:



  1. Your query is pretty good. I'm suggesting a few tweaks. I think you can come up with a more engaging title than EXTRASENSORY. Also, visit this website to see query letters that got agents and book deals:

    http://bit.ly/2oazjeL



    Seventeen-year-old Quinn Brooke is the latest in a long line of mediums in …WHERE? THE TOWN? HER FAMILY?

    She and her mother consider it their duty to take on paranormal cases, tussling with poltergeists and banishing wraiths on the regular.

    But when their latest client transforms into a bloodthirsty dragon, they're at a loss for words, much less solutions.
    ****
    Is there a better word than client? But when the victim in their latest case turns into a …

    Looking for answers, Quinn joins forces with her high school's outcast paranormal group run by a dork NOT SURE YOU SHOULD CALL HIM A DORK. PERHAPS FIND ANOTHER WAY TO DESCRIBE HIM.

    who pushes every. Single. One. Of. Her. Buttons! and the new girl from India who has an unconventional mediumship of her own. MEDIUMSHIP?

    Together, they discover THAT a pagan god known as the Stag is turning man into myth, transforming the locals into fantastical creatures for his new kingdom on Earth. NICE!

    No one is safe. Not even Quinn's mother, who is kidnapped and turned into a Monarch to rule the Stag's empire. In order to save not only their home, but those they love, the teens have to do more than just get along - they'll have to elevate the abilities they already have and discover ones they never even knew existed. Assuming, of course, their TRANSFORMED friends and family don't kill them first …




    Her mother wrapped the robe tighter around herself and padded to the end of the hall, having enough with the discussion.

    Her mother wrapped the robe tighter around herself and padded to the end of the hall, having enough OF the discussion.


    "I swear, mom, you want to coddle the normies." Quinn trailed her. Her mother didn't want to upset their clients, but Quinn felt it was like lying by omission. Knowledge was power, power that could have kept Emily safe. "It's terrifying her senseless anyways! That's what it does! It's a-!"


    "I swear, mom, you want to coddle the normies." Quinn trailed her. Her mother didn't want to upset their clients, but Quinn felt it was like lying by omission. Knowledge was power, power that could have kept Emily safe. "It's terrifying her senseless anyways!" QUINN SHOUTED. "That's what it does! It's a-!"




    Wide-eyed relief graced Ms. Harker at Maria's forced smile. "Oh, Maria! Thank God!"


    Wide-eyed relief graced Ms. Harker's FACE at Maria's forced smile. "Oh, Maria! Thank God!"

    Or…
    Wide eyed relief dawned on MS. HARKER'S FACE, perhaps?



    a crown of bone-white antlers, spreading back and wide like it was a stag.

    Like a stag's, perhaps? Also, we need to get a sense of the room. Where is Quinn standing? Are her fists clenched? Are her legs trembling? Is her breath in her throat?



    "Quickly!" Quinn's mother flung open the screen door and grabbed Ms. Harker, pulling her in.

    "Quickly!" Quinn's mother shouted as she flung open the screen door and pulled Ms. Harker in.

    The entity's head snapped back to her mother. It lunged, only to be met with the spiritual equivalent of an electrical fence as soon as it tried to cross the threshold. The jolt sent it staggering back. Her mother slammed the door shut. After several moments of uncomfortable silence, she finally said: "Quinn, love, put on a pot of coffee. Warm up some milk for Emily, too."

    This really needs to be played out a little more. The resolution comes a little too quickly. "After several moments of uncomfortable silence" can be better. Let the moment resonate with the reader: Have them all look at each other. Is the baby crying? Paint the scene a little more.

    Good luck. I like the story and you are definitely a writer!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Larysia,

    I liked your pitch and made a few notes:

    Where you have in italics, “every. Single. One. Of. Her. Buttons!” I think it may be better to keep that all as one sentence, and I wasn’t sure sure about the exclamation point. I think the word ‘that’ is needed in this sentence: “Together, they discover [that] a pagan god known as the Stag is turning man into myth…"

    Since Quinn is the main character, you may want to highlight her again in the last paragraph, instead of referring to ‘the teens’ (perhaps saying ‘Quinn and the other teens’).

    For your revised pages, I liked what you did with the opening. It’s very ominous and sets the tone.

    This revision feels smoother, tighter, and much stronger. One part that stands out is the dialogue between Quinn and her mom. I really liked this sentence from Quinn: “I swear, mom, you want to coddle the normies.” Also, you had great details when describing the entity and how it locked eyes with Quinn.

    Excellent writing! Well done!

    Michelle

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi Larysia!

    Awesome pitch! I think my only suggestion is to give us an idea of where this story takes place. I’m also curious if this is a phenomenon occurring across the country/world or just in their town—and why did the Stag choose their town? (Not that THAT necessarily matters in the pitch, but definitely something I’m curious about haha.)

    Also, the voice in the pitch is really fantastic (every. Single. One. Of. Her. Button!). Great work!

    As for your pages, I really love how this has come together! You’ve done a great job of explaining all of this paranormal activity with clarity, and I get goosebumps at the beginning! And I love that you’ve introduced the Stag here!!! Fantastic job!

    One super nitpicky comment—in your paragraph of “I swear, mom, you want to coddle…” “Mom” should be capitalized. :)

    Great job! Best of luck!!

    Britney

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey Larysia,

    Pitch:
    I love the idea behind your pitch and you've got me hooked! Some suggestions though: In the second line, I'd suggest making removing "on the regular." I loveee dragons so reading that got me so excited! And I like how you brought out the MC's voice in "every. Single. One. Of. Her. Buttons!"
    The next line isn't phrased in the right way so I'd suggest: "Together, they discover [that] a pagan god known as the Stag..." Maybe give the reader more explanation on why Stag is doing this though? We need to know the details and it has to be specific. Other than that, your pitch is wonderful!

    Pages:
    You definitely tightened and added details which made the story flow so much better! Some suggestions though - the small dialogue structure in: "We’re going to have company[,”] Quinn said..." and the next line: "worked[,” her] mother said.." and "...Yes[," her] mom said." I'd suggest reading up on dialogue structure and working on it throughout the chapter. I love the "electrical fence" detail that you added - its visual and interesting. Overall, its quite good and you've made strong improvements.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Larysia,

    This is an interesting premise. The pitch needs some tweaking but you almost have it! First, where is Quinn? When they take on paranormal cases, what do they do otherwise to survive? Is this modern day Earth, or are we already in a fantasy realm, or is this historical? The rest of the pitch leads me to believe modern day Earth so the location, the setting, of this novel is still important.

    Next, the second paragraph's use of repetitious periods and italicized words actually distracts more than it emphasizes. I'd love to see a better descriptor for the "dork" other than "dork" (or annoying dork as implied by the following italics). "Dork," just like "sexy," means different things to different people so you need to have something other than this vague label to describe other key players of the novel.

    The final paragraph of the pitch is pretty vague as well. Take this sentence: "In order to save not only their home, but those they love, the teens have to do more than just get along — they’ll have to elevate the abilities they already have and discover ones they never even knew existed." What does this mean? Where is their home, who do they care for most, what is their drive and motivation, what does elevate and discover imply...?

    On to the pages!

    You do a great job of setting the tone and creating this atmosphere of unease and suspense. Your storytelling abilities are good as well. My critique mostly falls under several line edits -- punctuation, phrasing, the delivery of the dialogue -- which can sometimes be distracting as a reader. But if you keep up this voice and tone throughout the manuscript, those elements will fall by the wayside and the reader will continue on, hooked to the story.

    Best,
    Laura

    ReplyDelete
  6. Larysia,

    I'll focus on the pitch here. You've got the basic idea. It just needs a bit of smoothing and tweaking. With any fantasy book, you want to establish place and time right away. I knew it from the pages, but if I didn't, I'd presume high fantasy from paragraph 1 and be thrown by "high school" in the second.

    The "every. single. one" line would be great in the story, as voice, but a pitch is business, and that'll be distracting.

    Be wary of the word "dork." Also "pagan god" for your villain. Paranormal fiction gets a lot of pagan readers, as I can tell you from experience. While pagan dieties are not necessarily good, putting that right in your pitch could make an editor wonder if you're book will make a problematic statement (pagan=demonic=evil)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Pitch:
    I think you can make your opening paragraph of the query stronger, maybe something along the lines of: Seventeen-year-old Quinn Brooke has an ability that makes her an outsider in her village/town/city in _____: she can see ghosts--just like her mother. Her whole life has consisted of tussling with poltergeists and banishing wraiths on the regular. But when their latest client transforms into a bloodthirsty dragon, she's at a loss for words, much less solutions.

    This needs to be clarified, as is, it's too vague!: new girl from India who has an unconventional mediumship of her own. - Why is it unconventional?
    Also, run by a dork who pushes every single one of her buttons, I think could be pared down to: run by an obnoxious science nerd (or whatever he is that makes him dorky!)

    Pages:
    I LOVE your revisions! You incorporated feedback from last week very well and I think the flow is even better!!!

    This paragraph feels a little 'tell-y' and I wonder how much of this does the reader actually need to know?
    Ms. Harker had said the paranormal activity began with Emily’s baby monitor. It picked up strange sounds, guttural mumbles and a man uttering one word: “mine.” At first, there was no culprit to be seen. Then on the third night, a pitch-black figure had stood over Emily’s crib. The mediums knew then it would escalate, they just didn’t know how soon.

    it wore a crown of bone-white antlers, spreading back and wide like it was a stag. could be spreading stag-like behind its instead of like it was a stag.

    Once again, great job!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Another great job on the revision, Larysia!!!

    I am not great at pitches, but I thought you have a really intriguing concept. I would try to use a different word besides dork. Also, what are the other kids abilities? Are they all mediums?

    The pages are so good! Your descriptions are absolutely wonderful. I like the character we are seeing in Quinn and her mother - so great job! I'd like to have more of a sense of setting throughout. What the house is like, the outside of the house, etc. You are so good at descriptions, I'm sure you can really pull us in so we feel like we're there!

    This took me out of the story, and felt like a narrator speaking:

    Ms. Harker had said the paranormal activity began with Emily’s baby monitor. It picked up strange sounds, guttural mumbles and a man uttering one word: “mine.” At first, there was no culprit to be seen. Then on the third night, a pitch-black figure had stood over Emily’s crib. The mediums knew then it would escalate, they just didn’t know how soon.

    Is this the ghost speaking? If so, clarify, and give us some description
    They’ve come.

    The end is much better, but I think you can still amp it up even more! Make us terrified!

    It was a pleasure reading these pages - good luck with this and keep in touch!

    ReplyDelete