Sunday, February 11, 2018

1st 5 Pages February Workshop- Woropay Rev 1


Name: Larysia Woropay
Genre: Young Adult Paranormal Fantasy
Title: Extrasensory

Quinn stared into the foreboding crimson glow of the clock atop her nightstand. It was three a.m. The Devil’s Hour.

Visitors are coming. The words, cool and airy, were only those attuned to the dead could hear. A ghost stood over Quinn, and although she couldn’t see him, she could certainly hear his Voice. He was one of the good ones who hung around. The bad ones never found their way inside her house. At least, they hadn’t yet.

“I know,” Quinn muttered, wide awake. Dread pooled in her stomach like liquid ice. The ghost hadn’t delivered a statement. It was a warning.

She pushed back her bedcover and stood, hairs rising on the back of her neck. Her toes curled into the carpet as a shiver raced down to her soles. She rubbed her bare arms, textured with gooseflesh. Quinn pulled on an oversized sweater and slid into her slippers before making her way into the hallway. Her mother stood in a robe outside her bedroom across the hall. They locked eyes, twin gray mirrors reflecting back at each other.

“We’re going to have company.” Quinn announced.

“The blessing must not have worked.” Her mother said, pushing a strand of raven hair behind her ear. She sighed. “We better prepare for our guests.”

“You mean Ms. Harker and Emily … or the thing stalking them?”

“Both,” her mother answered.

Quinn remembered when Diana Harker and her one-year-old daughter first came to their house last week. The young mother’s weary eyes had dark circles underneath them. That would have been considered normal given the responsibilities of parenthood, but it was more than that. No one came to their house unless they needed help with something otherworldly.

Her mother had done tarot readings for years, and occasionally, when a client found themselves in the midst of a haunting, she provided another kind of service: cleansing. Better known as evicting a troublesome ghostly squatter out of someone’s home. Sometimes the spirit needed a gentle talking to. Other times, a forceful kick in the metaphysical rear. And since her mother was a psychic medium, she was just the lady to do it. Soon enough, Quinn would be, too.

But it pissed Quinn off that this was the only time it was acceptable to interact with their family. Maria and Quinn Brooke were “too weird” otherwise. People came to her front door under the hushed cover of night, hoods pulled over their heads, and looking over their shoulders. Next to no one in town believed in ghosts until one was haunting them. Ms. Harker was no different.

She seemed embarrassed, sitting on their couch and telling them about the sleepless nights spent worrying over Emily. The baby monitor was picking up strange sounds, guttural mumbles and a man whispering one word: “mine.” At first, no one was there. Then she began seeing a figure in the house. Always standing at Emily’s crib. When the police failed her, Diana Harker came here.

Quinn crossed her arms. “Are we going to tell her what she’s up against this time?”

“ … Yes.” Her mom said. “There’s no point in trying to protect her from the truth any longer. I’m scared for her little girl. If she’s coming back, it’s because that thing has finally made a move for her.”

“They were never being haunted by a ghost.”

“But we were hoping getting Diana to have a priest to bless her home would have gotten rid of that entity.”

“No, you were hoping. I wanted to tell her what we thought it was. What we knew it was.” Quinn shook her head. “If we warned her properly, that thing wouldn’t be headed here right now.”

“If we had warned her properly, Quinn, she would have been terrified senseless. You know the consequences of that.” Her mother wrapped the robe tighter around herself and padded to the end of the hall to turn on the light, having enough with the discussion. She rounded the corner, and one by one, more lights flicked on.

“I swear, mom, you want to coddle the normies.” Quinn trailed her. “It’s terrifying her senseless anyways! That’s what it does! It’s a—!”

An explosive pounding resounded through their modest bungalow. Quinn jumped, choking on her words. Her head snapped towards the front door. She could feel in her gut the unwelcome company behind it.

They’ve come.

“Maria! Maria, please!” The woman on the other side of the door cried. It was indeed Ms. Harker. And something more, hiding in the remnants of silence. “Let us in!”

“Guard yourself, Quinn.” Her mother warned, coming closer.

“I know.” Quinn steeled herself. It was then she realized her heart was pounding in her chest, mimicking Ms. Harker’s frantic staccato. “It’s out there.”

Quinn’s mom opened the door, front porch light revealing Ms. Harker and her little girl, Emily. Ms. Harker’s face was red, her eyes puffy from the tears that streaked her cheeks. Emily’s face wasn’t much better as her tiny fingers grabbed at her mother’s shirt. Wide-eyed relief graced Ms. Harker at Maria’s forced smile. “Oh, Maria! Thank God!”

“Diana.” Quinn’s mother dipped her head before looking at the child. “And Emily! Come in, come in. You two.” The shadows seemed to flicker behind the pair.

Quinn swallowed, stomach sinking.

“… And nothing more.” Quinn’s mom opened the screen door, muttering to the rustling blackness. The shadows flinched and receded from Ms. Harker’s feet as she crossed the threshold. Maria shut the door, staring down what couldn’t be seen. “Quinn, love, put on a pot of coffee. Warm up some milk for Emily, too.”

“It hurt her!” Ms. Harker cradled her daughter closer. Emily nestled into her mother’s bird’s nest of strawberry blond hair, quietly sobbing. “The blessing only made it angrier!”

“To the couch.” Quinn’s mom led them into the living room. “Sit, sit.”

Quinn got a look at the pair before she went into the kitchen. Ms. Harker sat, not releasing her grip on Emily. Her eyes darted. The woman didn’t have a shred of sixth sense, but she had all the others. Something triggered a primal fear in her. Instinct took over. Protect the child, it told her; something comes for her. This something wasn’t tangible. It couldn’t be fought by any normal means. She was powerless and that was what horrified her the most.

“It’s okay, Diana.” Quinn’s mother reassured. “It can’t come in. Not here, not my home.”

Ms. Harker’s shoulders softened, but not her embrace. The woman shook her head, leaning back into the plush blue microfiber couch.

The scent of coffee promising to fill cups in short order began to permeate the air. Quinn grabbed a carton of milk and a pot, ignoring the window over the sink, its curtains wide open. As soon as her mother closed the door, she could feel the thing circling the house, trying to sneak in. At last, it stopped moving. Outside that thin pane of glass.

It was close enough that she could sense the rise and fall of its chest, could hear the rattling of its breath. It watched her, radiating a dark amusement. Quinn wouldn’t close the curtains. She wouldn’t give in and give it what it wanted. She would show it no fear. Quinn turned a burner on, preparing the soothing warm milk.

“What happened?” Her mother’s voice carried from the other room.


8 comments:

  1. Hi, Larysia!

    Once again, I think you have a strong opening and I’m intrigued by your premise. You have a great first sentence that immediately sets the tone.

    I liked some of the additional details you added such as, “No one came to their house unless they needed help with something otherworldly.” However, I noticed that this revision has more back story, and I don’t think it’s all needed. I think you can show more of Quinn and what makes her tick by staying in the scene.

    In the beginning, I was confused by this sentence…. “The words, cool and airy, were only those attuned to the dead could hear.” I thought it would be more clear if re-worded to something like… “The words, cool and airy, could only be heard by those attuned to the dead.”

    You have wonderful descriptions, and I actually felt the coldness of the night. I noticed you added Emily’s age, the “one-year-old daughter” which helps to picture the child.

    I also noticed that the part where Quinn said “It branded her” was removed in this revision, unless it’s coming later in the scene. I felt that moment revealed some of Quinn’s personality when you showed her struggling with her mom – Quinn believed that Ms. Harker should know the truth while her mom was warning Quinn not to say too much. That gave me a glimpse into Quinn and how she values honesty, even when it’s hard.

    Overall, a well-written, intriguing opening.

    Cheers,
    Michelle

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  2. Hi Larysia!

    I love that you introduced this mysterious ghost character sooner! It flows nicer to have him introduced immediately and also tells the readers exactly who (or what) we’re dealing with. Great work!

    A couple of very nitpicky suggestions:

    This sentence: “No one came to their house unless they needed help with something otherworldly.” I think it could be stronger if you changed it to “No one came to visit Quinn and her mother (or Quinn’s mother) unless they needed help with something otherworldly.” I think this makes the sentence cleaner but also makes the “their” more personal and carries a greater sting when Quinn explains that she and her mother are outsiders.

    In the paragraph that begins with “She seemed embarrassed…” I think you should do “She had seemed embarrassed” to remind us that it’s in the past. BUT I might only feel that way since I knew your previous version when Ms. Harker was in the room with them.

    Overall, you have a fabulous writing style, I liked seeing a bit more of Quinn’s voice, and I think this is a really strong opening! :)

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  3. Hmmm… I’m struggling a little with the opening… I feel like you can still make it stronger. What if you started with:

    “Visitors are coming.” Cool and airy, the words floated through the still night air. Words only those attuned to the dead could hear.

    A ghost stood over Quinn, and although she couldn’t see him, she could certainly hear his Voice. He was one of the good ones who hung around. The bad ones never found their way inside her house. At least, they hadn’t yet.

    “I know,” Quinn muttered, wide awake. A crimson glow drew her eyes to the alarm clock on her nightstand. It was 3am. The Devil’s Hour. Dread pooled in her stomach like liquid ice. The ghost hadn’t delivered a statement. It was a warning.

    I like that you introduce the ghost. In your previous version, I thought it was Quinn thinking to herself.

    Then, when she meets her mother in the hall, the tag 'announced' feels off. Maybe do this?

    Her mother stood in a robe outside her bedroom across the hall.

    “We’re going to have company.” Quinn said as they locked eyes, twin gray mirrors reflecting back at each other.

    I really feel like this version is a lot clearer and flows better!

    Just a few things, and I’m going to both agree and disagree with above comments!

    First, do we need to know the age of the daughter? Can you just say toddler? I think that still paints a nice picture in my head one-year-old and toddler to me evoke the same image and just one word, toddler, makes the sentence flow better.

    ‘No one came to their house unless they needed help with something otherworldly.’ is confusing… I would say Quinn’s
    house.

    “The baby monitor was picking up” should be more past tense, “had been.” As a reader, when I first read that, I thought she had a baby monitor with her that was currently picking up.

    Also, you can lose some of the backstory like Michelle said. Pare it down to just one or two sentences, and show the rest in Quinn’s thoughts/actions, or work the other details in elsewhere! Ex. (How typical. The woman at the door had come in the dead of night, just like the townspeople always did, afraid to been seen in Quinn and her mother’s company.) or something.

    Great job with this edit! It really made me want to keep reading. I love the scene in the kitchen… very spooky.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Larysia,

    I liked how you changed the first part and it flows a lot better but the first line can be strengthened more. The introduction of the the good ghost makes it more clearer and sets the mood fast, which I love. A suggestion: you can shorten down "At least, they hadn’t yet." to "Yet." because it comes off more impactful. It's also best to focus on using less passive voice so that your paragraphs vary and flow better.

    The dialogue structure needs to be worked on, for example: "... company[,]” Quinn announced.' and the next dialogue as well. I loved the background info on Diana Harker and the daughter as well as Quinn's story - it brings out her voice more strongly. I would suggest changing the "she seemed embarassed" since you've told us in the previous paragraph why she would be embarassed and expressed her behaviour already.

    “They were never being haunted by a ghost.” - this line is amazing and definitely hooks the reader! But the next one seems awkwardly phrased; try reading it aloud and working on the sentence flow. Try cutting out filler phrases such as "It was indeed Ms. Harker" or "It was then she realized" - you can paraphrase these to make the paragraph better.

    I love the last part as well, and you brought out more of Quinn's personality. Your edit was quite brilliant. Even though I don't read paranormal, you have me hooked!

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  5. My comments are so long I need to do 2 parts!

    Wow, wow, wow!!! You've done such a great job with this revision!!! The backstory you've slivered is in perfect - just enough for us to understand the stakes, the characters, their place in the community, while keeping the pacing. GREAT job!!!

    I also love so many descriptions, like Dread pooled in her stomach like liquid ice - very atmospheric!

    Now, to really take this to the next level!! I also like the idea of starting with Visitors are coming. But this is confusing to me:

    Visitors are coming. The words, cool and airy, were only those attuned to the dead could hear.

    What does that mean? And I think you can use this opening description to really enhance your setting. Cool and airy makes me think of a fresh spring day. That's not the vibe you're going for. I get that they are nice ghosts, but still - use the description to enhance the story. Do the words make her shudder, shiver? Give us more here!

    And then you can make the next line more active. For one, we know she can hear him, she just did, so cut. Does she recognize this ghost if he's one of the ones hanging around? Would she call him by name?

    Maybe:

    Visitors are coming. The words sounded like branches scratching against a window, and they sent an involuntary shudder down Quinn's spine, even though she knew they were not spoken by a dangerous ghost. They couldn't get in the house. At least, they hadn’t yet.

    Quinn's eyes flashed to the crimson glow of the clock atop her nightstand. Three a.m. The Devil’s Hour. Dread pooled in her stomach like liquid ice. The ghost hadn’t delivered a statement. It was a warning.

    The backstory is great. I love Quinn's voice here- Sometimes the spirit needed a gentle talking to. Other times, a forceful kick in the metaphysical rear. And since her mother was a psychic medium, she was just the lady to do it. Soon enough, Quinn would be, too.

    And I also love that we know the path Quinn is on.

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  6. Part 2:
    This bit took me out of the story. It felt like the dialogue was forced, artificial to give us context:

    “They were never being haunted by a ghost.”

    “But we were hoping getting Diana to have a priest to bless her home would have gotten rid of that entity.”

    “No, you were hoping. I wanted to tell her what we thought it was. What we knew it was.” Quinn shook her head. “If we warned her properly, that thing wouldn’t be headed here right now.”

    Work on making this more natural, or make Quinn's interior thought. If you sum up briefly that Quinn's frustrated her mom won't listen to her even though her training's almost complete, you can just put in this dialogue

    “If we warned her properly, that thing wouldn’t be headed here right now.”

    “If we had warned her properly, Quinn, she would have been terrified senseless. You know the consequences of that.” Her mother wrapped the robe tighter around herself and padded to the end of the hall to turn on the light, having enough with the discussion. She rounded the corner, and one by one, more lights flicked on.

    Go through the pages, and work on making it more active, more immediate, and cutting filtering words, like here:

    “Maria! Maria, please!” The woman on the other side of the door cried. It was indeed Ms. Harker. And something more, hiding in the remnants of silence. “Let us in!”

    If you change it to this, it is more immediate:

    “Maria! Maria, please! Let us in!” It wasn't just Ms. Harker's cries Quinn heard, but something else was hiding in the remnants of silence. (and describe else a bit, it will be even better!)

    This entire section below has filtering words that can be cut. There is a demon of some kind outside! Keep the tension high!

    “I know.” Quinn steeled herself. It was then she realized her heart was pounding in her chest, mimicking Ms. Harker’s frantic staccato. “It’s out there.”

    Quinn’s mom opened the door, front porch light revealing Ms. Harker and her little girl, Emily. Ms. Harker’s face was red, her eyes puffy from the tears that streaked her cheeks. Emily’s face wasn’t much better as her tiny fingers grabbed at her mother’s shirt. Wide-eyed relief graced Ms. Harker at Maria’s forced smile. “Oh, Maria! Thank God!”

    “Diana.” Quinn’s mother dipped her head before looking at the child. “And Emily! Come in, come in. You two.” The shadows seemed to flicker behind the pair.

    Quinn swallowed, stomach sinking.

    And then what follows, her mom basically shooing it away, is anticlimactic. Let us see her struggle with the monster, let us see what Quinn sees or hears, let our hearts pound! If you do then we will be terrified it is right outside at the end.

    This is too explainy - Quinn got a look at the pair before she went into the kitchen. Ms. Harker sat, not releasing her grip on Emily. Her eyes darted. The woman didn’t have a shred of sixth sense, but she had all the others. Something triggered a primal fear in her. Instinct took over. Protect the child, it told her; something comes for her. This something wasn’t tangible. It couldn’t be fought by any normal means. She was powerless and that was what horrified her the most.

    I'd also love the end to be scarier, or have more foreboding. A thing watching her with amusement doesn't make me worried for her, or make me want to turn the page. Since Quinn isn't worried, neither am I!

    Good luck, can't wait to read next week!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Larysia,

    Nice work! This is still hooking me, and it flows better now, more clearly YA. I feel more grounded, too. A little less backstory will pick up the pace. Otherwise, the genre is clear and the hook is there, and a get a better separation of characters here. Good stuff!

    ReplyDelete

  8. Wow, Larysia, you've really made some great revisions on this!

    It flows so much better. I love the added backstory on Quinn and her mom. You did that very well without too much of an information dump. You still have many great turns of phrase throughout, too many to name. I suggest you find yourself a good critique group and keep writing and querying.

    I want to tell you that I don't read other comments until I post mine. I am sure they all vary in their suggestions. The hardest part is taking what you will from them and then seeing what works best for you and the story. If you hear over and over from many readers that a certain thing isn't working well, that's usually true.

    Be true to your own voice, but be open to suggestions. I will say this: you are definitely a writer with a good voice and a nice rhythmic style, which is the hardest thing of all.

    So good luck! Keep writing.

    Ron

    ReplyDelete