Name: Mandy Welch
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
Title: The First Witch
“Could you blend please?” Aviana asked the mixture of ingredients she was stirring. “I don’t want a lumpy batter.” She stirred again and the lumps disappeared.
Smiling at the result, Aviana poured the batter into a waiting pan and carried it to the oven. “Cook well. No burning please,” she said as she slid the pan in. Then she turned to survey the scene. The windows of the bakery were open, and sunlight streamed in, bringing with it birdsongs and the sound of the wind rustling tree leaves.
One table was covered in a menagerie of cooling goods that filled the room with the pleasant smells of fresh bread and pastries. Her worktable was mostly clean. She had learned early on to start recipes by asking the flour to not make a mess.
“What should I bake now?” she said aloud to the empty room. Then she walked over to the closet pantry where her eyes were drawn to a basket of fresh berries. She picked one and popped it into her mouth. “Oh. That’s tart,” she said puckering her lips. “Could you be a little sweeter please? Not too sweet though.” Aviana tried another berry and then smiled. “Much better.”
She carried the basket of berries back to her worktable and set them down. Then she picked up a book that had been sitting on a nearby shelf and began flipping through it. The book was handwritten and looked well used with many notes written in another hand. “Hmm, what would be good to make with berries? I want something different than pies and muffins. Let’s see.”
She stopped at a page and read the recipe on it. “Scones sound good.” Then she turned to the open pantry door and spoke louder. “I need flour, eggs, sugar...” As she read the rest of her list, the ingredients began hopping off the shelf and into the room. They stopped their march when they arrived on the table in front of her. “Very good,” she said. “Thank you.”
Then she began the recipe, talking with the ingredients as she went. Asking the egg to crack so no shell would fall in, asking the flour to measure out correctly without packing, asking it all to mix evenly. The ingredients did as she requested and Aviana thanked them in turn.
While she was working, her mother walked into the kitchen from the shop. She was a short woman with a round face and an easy smile. Like Aviana, she had light brown skin, just darker than the wheat fields that bordered their small town, but unlike Aviana, hers was spotted from the sun.
“Hello honey,” her mother said as she came up to the table. “Take a break and let me fix your hair.”
Dee walked behind Aviana and gently undid her daughter’s long braid. Even with being careful, Aviana had added some streaks of white flour that stood out in her dark hair. Dee brushed them out and then slowly twisted the straight hair, forming an intricate plait.
“It smells like you’ve been busy.”
“I have. We had several custom orders to fill, and now I’m working on some extras for the shop.”
“What are you making?”
“Berry scones. I’m using one of Dad’s old recipes.” Aviana held up the book for her mother to see.
“Your father would be so happy to know that you love cooking as much as he did,” her mother said as she gently twisted her daughter’s hair. “You certainly seemed to inherit his knack for it.”
“It always feels a bit like cheating using magic. You cook just as well as I do without it.”
Her mother finished the braid and turned Aviana around to face her. They had the same dark brown eyes under bold eyebrows except that small wrinkles creased the sides of Dee’s. “I don’t think that’s quite true, honey. But you shouldn’t think using your magic is cheating. It’s just another one of your talents.”
Aviana frowned, pushing her full eyebrows together. “Yeah, but it’s a talent I don’t tell anyone about.”
Dee smiled at her daughter, but Aviana could see a wrinkle form on her forehead that meant she was upset. Aviana sighed; it didn’t look like the conversation would go any better this time.
“You know why you have to keep it secret, Aviana, but you shouldn’t feel ashamed of doing so. Your father never told anyone here that he used magic with his baking. Some knew that he had attended the University, but he never spoke about it. Many thought he didn’t use magic anymore.”
“It’s different though,” Aviana said, repeating a line she had used many times. “He had a choice; he wanted to keep it secret.”
Dee walked over to the stove and picked up the teakettle that was sitting there, taking time to fill it with water before returning it to the stovetop to heat. When she was done she sat on a stool next to Aviana and looked at her only daughter.
“Why do you want to tell people that you have magic?”
Aviana’s eyebrows rose and she had to take a moment before answering. “I don’t really. I just want to be able to use magic without worrying about someone seeing.” She motioned to the room around her. “I can use magic here because the windows are too high for anyone to see in. I can use magic at home because we live alone and far from anyone else. I want to be able to use magic wherever and whenever I like.” Not that those were the only two places Aviana used magic, but she was always careful to make sure she wouldn’t be seen.
“I want to be able to learn how to use my magic,” she continued, the words coming quickly now. How many times had she said these lines to herself? “If I were a boy I’d be studying at the University like Dad did. Instead I’m here trying to teach myself.” She had to keep her nails pinching into her skin as a reminder not to raise her voice. These were words that shouldn’t be overheard. “It’s not enough. Why can’t people understand that females have magic too?”
Aviana asked the question, but she already knew the answer. It was one she had learned many years ago.
When she was young and had first learned of her magical abilities, her father had warned her she would have to keep her magic secret. She could still remember him kneeling in front of her, her small hand in his. Just a moment before his eyes had been bright. He had picked her up and swung her around, celebrating her magic. Now they were full of concern.
“You cannot tell anyone of this,” he said softly. “Never use magic where someone other than Mom and I can see. Promise me this Aviana.”
“Why?” she asked, her lower lip sticking out, her dark eyebrows scrunched together.
“People do not believe that women can have magic,” he answered, taking a moment to wipe some flour from her sleeve.
“Why not?”
“It’s always been that way.”
“But why?” Aviana asked, pulling on the apron she wore.
Her father smiled at his little girl’s tenacity. “Some people believe it is impossible because women have smaller brains or weaker bodies.”
She stopped fidgeting with her outfit and looked up at her father. “That’s silly.”
“I know it is, but some people believe it.”
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
Title: The First Witch
“Could you blend please?” Aviana asked the mixture of ingredients she was stirring. “I don’t want a lumpy batter.” She stirred again and the lumps disappeared.
Smiling at the result, Aviana poured the batter into a waiting pan and carried it to the oven. “Cook well. No burning please,” she said as she slid the pan in. Then she turned to survey the scene. The windows of the bakery were open, and sunlight streamed in, bringing with it birdsongs and the sound of the wind rustling tree leaves.
One table was covered in a menagerie of cooling goods that filled the room with the pleasant smells of fresh bread and pastries. Her worktable was mostly clean. She had learned early on to start recipes by asking the flour to not make a mess.
“What should I bake now?” she said aloud to the empty room. Then she walked over to the closet pantry where her eyes were drawn to a basket of fresh berries. She picked one and popped it into her mouth. “Oh. That’s tart,” she said puckering her lips. “Could you be a little sweeter please? Not too sweet though.” Aviana tried another berry and then smiled. “Much better.”
She carried the basket of berries back to her worktable and set them down. Then she picked up a book that had been sitting on a nearby shelf and began flipping through it. The book was handwritten and looked well used with many notes written in another hand. “Hmm, what would be good to make with berries? I want something different than pies and muffins. Let’s see.”
She stopped at a page and read the recipe on it. “Scones sound good.” Then she turned to the open pantry door and spoke louder. “I need flour, eggs, sugar...” As she read the rest of her list, the ingredients began hopping off the shelf and into the room. They stopped their march when they arrived on the table in front of her. “Very good,” she said. “Thank you.”
Then she began the recipe, talking with the ingredients as she went. Asking the egg to crack so no shell would fall in, asking the flour to measure out correctly without packing, asking it all to mix evenly. The ingredients did as she requested and Aviana thanked them in turn.
While she was working, her mother walked into the kitchen from the shop. She was a short woman with a round face and an easy smile. Like Aviana, she had light brown skin, just darker than the wheat fields that bordered their small town, but unlike Aviana, hers was spotted from the sun.
“Hello honey,” her mother said as she came up to the table. “Take a break and let me fix your hair.”
Dee walked behind Aviana and gently undid her daughter’s long braid. Even with being careful, Aviana had added some streaks of white flour that stood out in her dark hair. Dee brushed them out and then slowly twisted the straight hair, forming an intricate plait.
“It smells like you’ve been busy.”
“I have. We had several custom orders to fill, and now I’m working on some extras for the shop.”
“What are you making?”
“Berry scones. I’m using one of Dad’s old recipes.” Aviana held up the book for her mother to see.
“Your father would be so happy to know that you love cooking as much as he did,” her mother said as she gently twisted her daughter’s hair. “You certainly seemed to inherit his knack for it.”
“It always feels a bit like cheating using magic. You cook just as well as I do without it.”
Her mother finished the braid and turned Aviana around to face her. They had the same dark brown eyes under bold eyebrows except that small wrinkles creased the sides of Dee’s. “I don’t think that’s quite true, honey. But you shouldn’t think using your magic is cheating. It’s just another one of your talents.”
Aviana frowned, pushing her full eyebrows together. “Yeah, but it’s a talent I don’t tell anyone about.”
Dee smiled at her daughter, but Aviana could see a wrinkle form on her forehead that meant she was upset. Aviana sighed; it didn’t look like the conversation would go any better this time.
“You know why you have to keep it secret, Aviana, but you shouldn’t feel ashamed of doing so. Your father never told anyone here that he used magic with his baking. Some knew that he had attended the University, but he never spoke about it. Many thought he didn’t use magic anymore.”
“It’s different though,” Aviana said, repeating a line she had used many times. “He had a choice; he wanted to keep it secret.”
Dee walked over to the stove and picked up the teakettle that was sitting there, taking time to fill it with water before returning it to the stovetop to heat. When she was done she sat on a stool next to Aviana and looked at her only daughter.
“Why do you want to tell people that you have magic?”
Aviana’s eyebrows rose and she had to take a moment before answering. “I don’t really. I just want to be able to use magic without worrying about someone seeing.” She motioned to the room around her. “I can use magic here because the windows are too high for anyone to see in. I can use magic at home because we live alone and far from anyone else. I want to be able to use magic wherever and whenever I like.” Not that those were the only two places Aviana used magic, but she was always careful to make sure she wouldn’t be seen.
“I want to be able to learn how to use my magic,” she continued, the words coming quickly now. How many times had she said these lines to herself? “If I were a boy I’d be studying at the University like Dad did. Instead I’m here trying to teach myself.” She had to keep her nails pinching into her skin as a reminder not to raise her voice. These were words that shouldn’t be overheard. “It’s not enough. Why can’t people understand that females have magic too?”
Aviana asked the question, but she already knew the answer. It was one she had learned many years ago.
When she was young and had first learned of her magical abilities, her father had warned her she would have to keep her magic secret. She could still remember him kneeling in front of her, her small hand in his. Just a moment before his eyes had been bright. He had picked her up and swung her around, celebrating her magic. Now they were full of concern.
“You cannot tell anyone of this,” he said softly. “Never use magic where someone other than Mom and I can see. Promise me this Aviana.”
“Why?” she asked, her lower lip sticking out, her dark eyebrows scrunched together.
“People do not believe that women can have magic,” he answered, taking a moment to wipe some flour from her sleeve.
“Why not?”
“It’s always been that way.”
“But why?” Aviana asked, pulling on the apron she wore.
Her father smiled at his little girl’s tenacity. “Some people believe it is impossible because women have smaller brains or weaker bodies.”
She stopped fidgeting with her outfit and looked up at her father. “That’s silly.”
“I know it is, but some people believe it.”
Hi Mandy! I think you have a really interesting idea. Given your title, I'm guessing Aviana becomes the first witch to openly use her powers.
ReplyDeleteI feel like we might get too much backstory right at the beginning. It might be more effective if she remembers her conversation with her father at a different point. You could just tell us that she wishes she could study magic, but it's forbidden.
I was confused until almost the end of her baking. It didn't connect what was happening to magic until the ingredients marched themselves over to her. When she is trying the berries and remarks that they are tart she could say something like: Aviana waited For the magic to sink in before she tried another one. "Much better."
Some of the dialogue feels a little 'telling'. This paragraph in particular: "Aviana’s eyebrows rose and she had to take a moment before answering. “I don’t really. I just want to be able to use magic without worrying about someone seeing.” She motioned to the room around her. “I can use magic here because the windows are too high for anyone to see in. I can use magic at home because we live alone and far from anyone else. I want to be able to use magic wherever and whenever I like.” Not that those were the only two places Aviana used magic, but she was always careful to make sure she wouldn’t be seen."
You could probably weave in some of those details, like the high windows and the location of their house, as the story progresses.
Good luck!
Hello Mandy!
ReplyDeleteI liked the opening paragraph. It has a nice inviting mood. I also liked how your MC is very polite with things. It seems the default would be to order things around, but no--she asks them nicely, and thanks them, too. And I liked that you opened with baking pastry--that's sweet ;).
Now to suggestions.
There are a few places where I thought you could cut to make the prose flow better. The general suggestion is to cut all the chaff so the wheat is clean and shiny. That includes pronouns, sticky words like "then" and "with", unnecessary references and redundant descriptions. Below are examples of what I mean.
For example,
"...she said as she slid the pan in. Then she turned to survey the scene. The windows of the bakery were open, and sunlight streamed in,..."
I would cut the sentence "Then she turned to survey the scenery" completely. The result would be tighter and you wouldn't lose meaning.
Likewise, here, "Then she walked over to the closet pantry where her eyes were drawn to a basket of fresh berries. She picked one and popped it into her mouth."
I would combine the two sentences into one, something like "She walked over to the closet pantry, paused, surveying, then picked a fresh berry from a basket and popped it into her mouth."--Not necessarily this, but something that makes the action beat read smoother.
Same with these two sentences: "Then she picked up a book that had been sitting on a nearby shelf and began flipping through it. The book was handwritten and looked well used with many notes written in another hand."--you get the actions to a T, but it sounds a little like a recipe :) In fact, try nixing as many of "then" at the beginning of your sentences as you can, and see if they look better for it.
This is an easy fix: "Aviana frowned, pushing her full eyebrows together. "--it's redundant--you can't frown without pushing your eyebrows together. Pick one description, nix the other.
This, "Dee smiled at her daughter, but Aviana "--I would cut to "Dee smiled, but Avianna"
Also, here "When she was done she sat on a stool next to Aviana and looked at her only daughter." I would cut one mention of Avianna--something like "When she was done, she sat on a stool and looked at her only daughter."
And here, "Like Aviana, she had light brown skin, just darker than the wheat fields that bordered their small town, but unlike Aviana, hers was spotted from the sun."
I would cut the second comparison--it's clear you are contrasting mother and daughter's skin--"Like Avianna, she had light brown skin, just darker than the wheat fields that bordered their small town, but hers was spotted from the sun."
Likewise, here, "Dee walked over to the stove and picked up the teakettle that was sitting there" I would say "Dee walked over to the stove and picked up the teakettle"--the readers will have no problem understanding that it was sitting there.
Here, "she asked, her lower lip sticking out, her dark eyebrows scrunched together" the word "pout" practically jumped at me, and I wondered why you had not used him. Also, you already mentioned her eyebrows were dark, and also (in another place) that they were thick; it unnecessary to describe them again.
Hi Mandy!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your writing with us.
This piece opens with dialogue which I love. The line ‘She had learned early on to start recipes by asking the flour to not make a mess’, made me smile and gives the first hint that there’s a touch of magic to this story. Great. The dialogue between Aviana (love the name!) and her ingredients is great and immerses us in the story well. I also like where the story starts. Aviana baking is such a homely and pleasant way to start. The dialogue throughout is convincing and there’s plenty of smells and imagery to keep the writing lively.
I had a few thoughts while reading:
In the third paragraph, I was getting great smells of baking but I wonder if we could be a bit more immersed in this? Instead of a ‘menagerie of cooling goods’, could we get more detail of the joy/pride/or whatever the main character feels when she looks at her ‘fresh bread and pastries’? This could also be applied to the book she picks up in paragraph 5. Could she peal apart sticky pages, try to read the handwritten recipes from under splodges of jam, or something similar? Rather than just telling us it ‘looked well used’.
There’s a few places where there was repetition. E.g., the first paragraph: ‘…she was stirring...she stirred again’, and between the first and second, there’s ‘please’ twice. Also, there’s a lot of ‘then’ from paragraphs 4-7. It’s reads a little like a list of duties. Is it possible to take away the ‘and then’ to immerse the reader a little bit more?
In the paragraph where her mother walks in, the details of her appearance are told to us in a big lump. The details are great and help us to picture our protagonist but would it be better to spread this information out amongst the following dialogue? Also, in paragraphs following this I was a bit distracted by the use of eyebrows and wrinkles on foreheads. It seemed to repeat quite a bit.
The wording of women having magic confused me. What I’m getting/guessing is that this is a piece where our protagonist fights for the right for females to have magic the same way men do in this world. That’s great. But, you say ‘people do not believe that women can have magic’, so a reader is thinking, ‘well, surely if she just shows them then they’ll believe it!’, which they would if she proved it. I’m guessing that the conflict in this story isn’t that men believe women don’t have magic, but that they believe they SHOULD NOT have magic and her life could be at danger. If this is so, you might need to re-word these bits. Because of this, I’m not getting any sense of conflict in the opening pages. If her powers are dangerous, if she could be in great trouble for having them, we need to know this.
Hi Mandy,
ReplyDeleteI think the main thing you need to work on for this first round is your POV. Your POV has elements of both omniscient and limited 3rd, and you can't use both. Most YA is told in 1st or limited 3rd so I think you should focus on the latter (although it is your call). If that's what you choose, you need to write this entire excerpt from inside the main character's head which means we need a lot more internal monologue and a lot less "telling" of things she already knows. We also wouldn't ever hear her call her mother "Dee" or "her mother" because she would always be Mom/Mother in her own head. One of the best ways to fix a problem like this is to rewrite the excerpt in first person and then switch it back to 3rd. This will help you see the areas where you (the author) are intruding on the POV.
One other small note: watch for areas where your teen sounds too young. I found this whole thing read like middle grade.
Good luck!
Holly
Dear Mandy,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your work with me! I love how you introduce the stakes and conflict right away. It feels like Aviana is going to be fighting to attend University—I hope she gets there. I also really enjoyed how you’re taking the very important and timely issue of equal rights and putting it into a fantasy story. I like Aviana’s brand of magic, what you’ve shown us so far, and I think magic plus cooking is quite appealing.
What I found concerning here is the episodic feel of the majority of this sample. It reads like this – this happened and then this happened and then this next thing happened, etc. with a bit of telling, instead of showing. I’m guilty of this too! I would recommend trying to break it up with little bits of inner monologue and additional description. Perhaps introduce the connection to her dad and his magic while she’s baking? I also felt that Aviana’s voice felt a little young, though perhaps she is and it’s just not mentioned. I would guess 13 or 14. If she’s meant to be older, you may want to do a pass for that.
Please let me know if you have questions or comments!
Cheers,
Christina
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Mandy,
ReplyDeleteI really like your premise! Magical baking with a gender equity component feels fresh to me, and I think it would have a lot of appeal to middle-grade readers. I also agree with the comments above that said this reads more like MG, so I'm curious about whether there are elements later in the MS that make it more YA, or if you've considered trying to publish it as MG.
I also agree with comments suggesting you cut some of the description/"telling" from this. I really like your dialogue, I think it will flow better without so much description of what Aviana's doing, looking at, etc., especially at the very beginning. You're off to a strong start, your concept grabbed me right away, but I think you lose momentum when you start describing her specific actions in so much detail.
These comments have already given you a lot to think about! I think this is a soothing, slow-burn opening that makes us want to read as much as eat those scones! Who doesn't want perfectly sweet berries?
ReplyDeleteMy only thing to add is that I'd like to feel the struggle of her with doing magic as a conflict that's shown by some incident rather than being told through dialogue that feels like a device. For instance, she's doing magic with her cakes and someone comes in but she doesn't see them, and maybe they catch her. Or she thinks they might have but isn't sure. Or she decides to go out and do some magic and is nearly caught. Not only would we know that this is her circumstance, but we would feel it ourselves.
Can't wait to see what you do with this!
Heather
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