Name: Nora Politano
Her captor is a madman named Nim, hell-bent on seeing the Otherworld for reasons he won’t share. But the forest that guards the barrier is filled with all manner of monsters, including a banshee that whispers of terrible fates awaiting Gwyn if she cannot escape Nim. Amid a world of malicious spirits, cannibalistic tribes, and ancient, powerful races, Gwyn’s wits are her only chance of survival. But she didn’t make it this far by playing fair, and she certainly isn’t going to start now.
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
Title: The Witch's Way
Sixteen-year-old Gwyn O’Muireann is good at stealing things—like food, and jewelry, and her surname. The one thing she’s never been able to steal for herself is a better life. And gods, has she tried.
Gwyn is a witch. This happened by pure accident of birth, and without her consent, but witch hunters and slave traders don’t really care. Her kind is the only one capable of opening the barrier that divides the mortals from the old land of magic known as the Otherworld. Since humans can’t seem to keep the good sense they were born with when it comes to magic, it’s not an enviable position. It becomes even less so when she’s kidnapped.
Her captor is a madman named Nim, hell-bent on seeing the Otherworld for reasons he won’t share. But the forest that guards the barrier is filled with all manner of monsters, including a banshee that whispers of terrible fates awaiting Gwyn if she cannot escape Nim. Amid a world of malicious spirits, cannibalistic tribes, and ancient, powerful races, Gwyn’s wits are her only chance of survival. But she didn’t make it this far by playing fair, and she certainly isn’t going to start now.
______________________________ ______________________
Torches light the growing darkness, dancing to the beat of furious drums. The air is alive with it, with color and music and shadows that weave to match my every move. Faces blur into one, into nothing, and nothing matters but the music. I am the flute, clear as a brook running over sand. I am the fiddle, leaping across the strings faster than the eye can follow. I am the drums, pounding against the stones with a force that makes the earth shake.
And then the music stops.
I sway on my feet, panting, as the crowd erupts into cheers. My feet and hands burn from trying to keep time with the song, and the world is still spinning even though I’m no longer moving with it. It’s worth it for this feeling; heart thudding so hard it’s all I can hear, head still leagues above the ground. In my sixteen years, I’ve heard a thousand things called “magical”, but dancing is its own magic completely.
I should know.
Dizzy and breathless, I curtsy to the crowd and collapse beside the musicians in an untidy heap of red skirts.
“Well done,” I rasp, scooping a cupful of water out of our bucket.
“Ye as well.” Fergus, our leathery old fiddler, hands me a rag to mop my face with, eyes twinkling. “I could ha' sworn ye were seconds away from taking flight.”
“I could've sworn she was trying to open the earth to swallow us,” Kagen says cheekily, wiping down his flute. I smack him upside his head.
“Good earnings,” Aidan observes, rattling our cup. Coins slide against each other with clinks and shinks—the sounds of a generous audience. “What say we take the rest of the night off, do a little celebrating?”
I roll my eyes. I’ve worked with these three long enough to know that “little celebrating” actually means “drink ourselves near to death”. I have more important things to do. Tonight is the first time I’ve been in any town since winter, and every daft sheep from here to Baile Gaelu is flaunting their finery. I intend to take full advantage of it.
“I’ve had a night,” I announce, hauling meself up. Aidan offers me the cup, but I wave it away. Coppers would take up valuable pocket space. I dance for the thrill.
Beyond our circle of cleared space, the people are a river, pulsing and roaring over the stones. In their current, treasures untold. I try to summon up a bit of pity for them. None comes.
Tying my hair up, I wrap a scarf about it and tuck any errant curls away. The process is comfortingly familiar, the way a well-worn pair of boots can make me feel more meself simply by slipping them on.
Anticipation hits like a third mug of ale. It’s been too long.
Fergus frowns at me. I probably have the look of a madman, but I don’t care. With a jaunty salute, I plunge into the crowd.
The Lunster Spring Festival is the reemergence of life after winter. In one night, months of frost, hunger, and death vanish, their white stillness exploding into a tapestry of too-bright colors and sounds that threaten to overwhelm the senses. Rich and poor spill over the lines that separate our ways of life, crushed together by exhilaration. In the vast outdoor square, with the night air unable to chill us, and the thick scent of sweet cakes and roasted nuts tempting us forward, I might be brushing elbows with a fisherman or a priest from the castle temple.
It's a pickpocket’s paradise.
My hands are swift and feather-light, barely touching on one person before moving to the next. I slip a pouch of coins from the tawdry belt of a nobleman and into my cloak. A girl runs past in a hairnet studded with seed-pearls, and I'm gone with the thing in hand even as her hair tumbles over her shoulders. A woman whose veil marks her as a harem girl makes the mistake of flashing her golden bangles, and I purposefully stumble into her, sliding them off her arms under the guise of steadying her. When she shouts, “Thief! Give that back, diabhal!”, a bubble of laughter escapes me, because really, does she expect I’ll turn about and hand them right over at her say so?
Even if anyone cared enough to notice—which is rare at a Fest, since anyone who’s robbed is simply told to have better sense next time—I’m lost in the shuffle quicker than a jackrabbit. Gods, I love this.
It’s the elation that triggers it. A voice of warning in my head, telling me to slow down. Reluctantly, I tuck my hands into my sleeves and take a deep, calming breath. I can’t let meself get caught up in the moment. One slip, one look at my hair, and I’m done for. There aren’t many witches in Gaelfre. It’d take less than a day to round us up.
For a moment, I am positively serene. Then I catch sight of the market, and deithe thuas, it’s even larger than last year.
The voice nags again. I remind it that I know what I’m doing. I am practiced in the way that only the threat of an empty stomach and sleeping on the street can teach a person.
Not that I’m under the delusion that I steal solely what I need. Half measures never got anyone anywhere, if you ask me.
I eye the flock of festive stalls, where vendors sell every imaginable ware from ribbons to pots to magic cures. My pockets are getting full, but I wonder if I could fit a dagger….
“Gwyn.”
My heart jumps into my throat at the hiss— but it’s only Aidan, materializing at my shoulder like a ghoul.
I smack him, annoyed. “Ye gods, don’t sneak up on me like that! I thought you were drinking.”
“I got interrupted.” He grabs me by the arm. “Dance with me.”
Deaf to my protests, he drags me to the center of the square, where musicians play a boisterous market song and dozens of couples have lined up. With anyone else as handsome as Aidan, I might be pleased. But he’s ten years my senior, and the old boy is desperately in love with my friend Faolan. They’ve been sweethearts for ages. I’d never be able to stand him that long.
I scowl at Aidan as he pulls me through the first steps of the dance. “What’s this about?”
“Why are there soldiers watching the market, Gwyn?” His voice is remarkably calm, but his blue eyes are steely.
Soldiers.
The word tastes of fear: blood and rust and metal.
I go rigid, pulse racing too fast and too hard. “Soldiers? Where?” How did I miss them?
“Don’t look.” His grip on me tightens. “They’re not in armor. I only noticed because one of them drew his sword, and he had the king’s seal on his hilt.” Aidan glares down at me. “What trouble have you made?”
“Nothing!” I protest. Then, when he gives me an all-too-knowing look, I amend, “Nothing more than usual.”
He’s unconvinced. “Think.”
Huffing, I cast my mind back over the past couple weeks. The last few days have been occupied with non-stop traveling to Lunster, which meant no time for anything other than picking up a few odds and ends in towns we stopped over. Before that… well, there was the incident in Sian, but I’d worked that out.
I love the first line of your pitch! the bit about her stealing her surname is quite intriguing. I know we're not really supposed to do grammar stuff, but I think if you took out the and between food and jewelry it would add more weight to the surname and make it a more powerful line.
ReplyDeleteI also really liked this line from the end of your pitch: But she didn’t make it this far by playing fair, and she certainly isn’t going to start now.
It speaks so much to her character and I like that she's not a goody-good and you've definitely portrayed her as being morally flexible with her love of stealing.
I really only have one question about your pages. She wraps her hair up in a scarf and later while she's stealing, she mentions the idea that if someone got a look at her hair it would be bad and I assumed this meant someone could identify her as a witch.
But, then I thought her hair was down for the dance performance (again, just my assumption) since she specifically talks about wrapping it after. So wouldn't have everyone already have seen her hair and known she was a witch? Or am I totally misreading the innuendo of them being able to identify her via her hair?
Thank you! I've been a little bit confused about that 'and' myself, as to whether or not it's grammatically correct. I know that if it were a list, the 'and' would be redundant, but I sort of meant for the 'food', 'jewelry', and 'surname' to be more separate. Does that make sense?
DeleteOkay, so Gwyn has red hair, which marks her as a witch (it's a trait only witches have). When she dances, she leaves it down, because it draws attention, and by extension money, to them. When she goes out to pickpocket, she ties it up. Due to the amount of people there, and the fact that she's pretty far down on the social ladder, the odds of someone remembering her face are low. When she said she was done for if someone looked at her hair, she was thinking in terms of her scarf slipping and not wanting to be so caught up that she didn't realize it. It's a danger she has to be very on-guard about. I can see I'll have to clarify that, so thank you for pointing it out!
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ReplyDeleteHi Nora!
ReplyDeleteWhat a fun read! I'll give you a bit of feedback on the query, and then move to the pages.
Query: Your query is solid, but I have a few suggestions. First, I wasn't sure what it meant to "steal a surname." I also wasn't sure why she needs to steal food or jewelry--is she living on the street? What does that have to do with being a witch, exactly? I also think you're missing the logical link between there being slave traders/witch hunters and a doorway that only witches can open, and humans who kidnap them (that logical link being that they're being kidnapped BECAUSE humans want them to unlock the doorway). That might seem obvious, but you don't actually state it--you skip right on to humans not having any sense and that making things rough on witches. Finally, I think you can raise the stakes at the end of the query. She wants to get home, but what else is at stake for her personally? Why does Gwyn want to get back to her crappy life so badly? And what will happen if she DOESN'T stop Nim from being in the Otherworld?
Pages: I really enjoyed Gwyn's voice--she has a very clear point of view, and I love that she's so unapologetic about the stealing she's about to do. I think you can make it a bit more clear that she's dancing for money when she first sits down, and it's also unclear why dancing would make her hands hurt (is she not standing the whole time?), but over the beginning of this scene is working for me. You also do a great job of setting the scene--the crowds, the music, the smells--it's all there. I also love the pickpocketing scene; it's easy to picture her slipping through the crowd, pulling valuables from pockets with a practiced hand. I absolutely believe that she would miss the soldiers b/c she's so focused on the task at hand. Finally, we learn a bit about her by the way she interacts with Aidan: that she's not into him, that she's talented but perhaps not particularly responsible, that she trusts him even though he bugs her a little. Quite a lot to take away from only a few lines!
Whenever you're ready, please send me a query and your first 15 pages to lauren@triadaus.com with First 5 Pages Workshop Request in the subj line :)
Lauren Spieller
TriadaUS Literary Agency
triadaus.com
Thank you so much, Lauren!
DeleteDue to the culture of this world, a name is everything. In an attempt to gain some prestige, Gwyn conned her way into a family with a good reputation, "stealing" their surname. It's sort of her ace-up-her-sleeve, which she pulls out when she needs it. Gwyn is frequently trying to change her position in life, "steal" a better one, and the surname was just one of her tricks. I'd hoped that by including it in the query, it would generate some interest, and perhaps set her apart from the other YA thief protagonists that seem to be popping up a lot these days.
Yes, the witches are sought after by slave traders and witch hunters due to their connection with the Otherworld. I'll try to make that more clear.
As for Gwyn's stakes, the first of which would be her life, but the "terrible fates" the banshee predicts is also a stake. In Irish mythology, banshees appeared when someone was about to die, so they were spirits whose appearance was seen as a bad omen. In my book, I've taken it a step farther, and had them be able to actually show someone visions of deaths that lie in their future. Gwyn's stakes have a lot to do with her family, but her family life is so complicated I couldn't figure out how to fit it into the query. I'll keep trying to get it in there, and make the stakes more clear.
Finally, the reason her hands hurt is because the dancing she does is very energetic, and sort of full-body. She'd be using her hands for several things, but mostly clapping in time with the beat.
Thank you again! I will try to get that to you as soon as I can.
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ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteNora! I fell off the map last week! I had a sudden deadline dropped on me and...well...I'm just lucky my kids can make PB&J. Anyway, I did read your second revision and it was phenomenal. You received some great advice from the other mentees and writers and I'm thrilled to see that you integrated their suggestions.
ReplyDeleteLet's talk pitch! I LOVE your opening paragraph. In just a few sentences, we get a great picture of Gwyn and what her life is like. The following paragraphs are good too. I felt they were a little wordy, but overall gives great insight to your story.
This part of the contest is hard for me because the editor in my brain wants to move things around. Many times I just want tweak a few things, but I've never taken it upon myself to do so. Because I missed critiquing last week, I thought I'd invest a bit into your pitch. You had great advice given by others and I think it's made your story strong. Below you'll see slight tweak on your pitch. It is by no means perfect, but maybe it'll give you some ideas and inspire you in some way.
Fantastic story line, great first pages, and phenomenal pitch. Best of luck to you!
Sixteen-year-old Gwyn O’Muireann is good at stealing things—like food, and jewelry, and her surname. The one thing she’s never been able to steal for herself is a better life. And gods, has she tried. There are some things even a witch can't conjure.
Born with her abilities, and against Gwyn's consent, she remains a target for witch hunters and slave traders. Only her kind are capable of opening the barrier that divides the mortals from the old land of magic known as the Otherworld. It’s not an enviable position and becomes even less so when she’s kidnapped.
Her abductor is a madman named Nim, hell-bent on seeing the Otherworld for reasons he refuses to divulge. But the forest guarding the barrier is filled with all manner of monsters, including a banshee that whispers of terrible fates awaiting Gwyn if she cannot escape Nim. Amid a world of malicious spirits, cannibalistic tribes, and ancient, powerful races, Gwyn’s wits are her only chance of survival. But she didn’t make it this far by playing fair, and she certainly isn’t going to start now.
Hi Wendy! No worries, life happens (and I'm a frequent offender of dropping off maps).
DeleteThank you so much for your advice. I have no idea why, other than the fact that I've been reading everything I could get my hands on since I was 3, but odd words tend to slip into my writing that make it wordy, as well as stiff and pretentious. I really appreciate your suggestions, and I will definitely take them into consideration when working on my pitch.
Thanks again!
Hi Nora,
ReplyDeleteI think you've nailed this! Other than the minor line issues Lauren mentioned and her comment about stakes in the query, I think this is a fantastic, voicey, atmospheric read. I'd keep reading!
My own two thoughts are 1) Is there any romance in this? If so, I'd work a mention of it into the query, since that can help to catch an agent's interest in YA. 2) I noticed in your comments that red hair is a trait that only witches have, which made me wonder-- are witches only white people? The red hair made me wonder if all witches have red hair, or just some. If only all witches have red hair, it made me wonder why there wouldn't be witches of color in this world. Just something that occurred to me! Best of luck to you with this and I hope to see it on the shelves some day!
Thank you so much! I can't tell you how glad I am that you liked it.
DeleteRomance is a bit of a hard question to answer. My beta readers have been shipping Gwyn with her kidnapper (based on the logical assumption that they hate each other so much, there's no way they're not in love) but I won't confirm or deny whether that's happening. There are some subtle hints of romance, but mostly the story is about Gwyn, with promises of more to come.
Yes, there are definitely POC witches. The idea is that red hair is unnatural, a sort of result of magic and humans mixing, so it applies to all races. Due to the setting of the story, which is Ireland (because my mother's side of the family is Irish and I've always been in love with the culture and their special brand of magic), Gwyn herself is not a POC. However, one of the love interests, who's pretty much the second main character, is Middle Eastern. There's also a pretty big plot point that centers around a kingdom of Faye, whose culture is based off of Hispanic culture. There are some pretty neat Irish/Spanish mythology crossovers which I've been enjoying researching.
Thank you again! Your advice has been extremely helpful, and I've really enjoyed this experience.
Fantastic! Glad to hear it, and your explanation about the red hair is fascinating. It sounds like you've done some wonderful worldbuilding! Best of luck to you in the query trenches :)
DeleteI think your pitch has great voice in it, the same that’s reflected in the pages, but I think it could be tightened a bit. While the opening paragraph is fun, you could trim it down to make it more impactful. I don’t think you necessarily need ‘like food, and jewelry, and her surname.’ Nor the ‘And gods, has she tried.’
ReplyDelete‘Gwyn is a witch. This happened by pure accident of birth, and without her consent’ this is vague and I would think about making this more concrete – was it some chance of fate, someone bespelled her, etc?
‘Since humans can’t seem to keep the good sense they were born with when it comes to magic, it’s not an enviable position. It becomes even less so when she’s kidnapped.’ The last sentence here about her kidnapping is important to keep, but again as above, I think the sentence leading up to it is fun but again not necessary.
‘Her captor is a madman named Nim, hell-bent on seeing the Otherworld for reasons he won’t share.’ This is really interesting, except as I read this I realize I don’t know what the Otherworld is, other than a place only Gwyn can access. Is it an afterlife? What importance does it have to the story?
‘But the forest that guards the barrier is filled with all manner of monsters, including a banshee that whispers of terrible fates awaiting Gwyn if she cannot escape Nim.’ So this is interesting except I read fates and then got nothing after that – I think this needs to be concrete. What will happen to Gwyn if she doesn’t escape or does open the barrier, etc.?
I really like the additions and changes in the revision – you sowed in a few nods to Gwyn feeling that something is amiss as she’s going through stealing, which heightens the tension.
The only thing that stands out is an unbalanced paragraphs/info splurge. The pacing is good up until the paragraph of ‘The Lunster Spring Festival…’ Here I differentiate that it’s you, not Gwyn, telling us this because you think it’s important for us to know. It sort of jarred me out of reading/the flow.
Also, maybe think about altering how Gwyn reacts when she realizes the soldiers are there. Reading ‘How did I miss them?’ had me thinking well, she was definitely preoccupied with pick pocketing. There was no reason for her to notice them before that so this just seemed a little boastful of her (even though I get that’s probably her personality).
Great job in the workshop!
Hi Nora! I love your pitch! This has great voice, great details and is so polished! The only thing I could think of to add would be I was curious why someone would want to kidnap her. Was she specifically targeted for her skills at stealing or because she is considered a witch? Was it random or because she is female? I'm sure the kidnapper has a reason, but I wondered if it could be hinted at in the query.
ReplyDeleteLove this! Can't wait to see the future of this book. Great work!
I adored the opening line to your pitch, it was very cute. “And gods, has she tried” was also funny, but I feel like it could be phrased a bit more strongly. Something like “she’s tried until Insert Dramatic Thing Here” or with more of a sarcastic voice.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph is almost entirely world-building: I think you could cut it down a little bit.
The pitch finishes on a strong note. I like it!
Good job on the revisions too. The line “I dance for the thrill” is great as a character builder and those two sentences do a great job of succinctly explaining the questions past commenters had. The line “Gods, I love this” is also a good one.
Thanks for all your feedback during the workshop. I got a lot of good advice out of doing this.