Monday, March 20, 2017

1st 5 Pages March Workshop - Park Rev 2

Name: Silvia Park
Genre: MG Sci-Fi
Title: YOYO and PHANTOM M


Pitch: It's the year 2112, and twelve-year-old Yoyo has never gone to school. One, it's illegal. Two, he's a superhero robot. Everyone knows him as the Golden Giant.

But no one knows him as Yoyo.

After Yoyo rescues the Mayor's daughter from a kidnapping attempt, he's given his most terrifying assignment yet: infiltrate an elite private school as a student and protect her from a mysterious criminal known as Phantom M.

Yoyo might have been (over)confident as a superhero. But lose the shiny gold armor and he's just an ordinary kid, a self-dubbed "worrier warrior," prone to mood glitches and anxiety fits. He’s never had any friends, except his human siblings—and they grew up. Worse, Phantom M is known as the Magician because he can “hijack” and control just about any robot. And everyone knows where all hijacked robots end up: the Junkyard.

As Yoyo navigates a new kind of battlefield, dodging bullies and befriending jocks, he has to stick close to the Mayor's daughter, who’s hiding a scary knack for robotics and an even scarier secret. Yoyo must bring down Phantom M before he blows his cover with the smartest kids in school, especially his assignment.


I’M YOYO


It’s 2112, the Year of the Monkey. Fun fact: I was created on a monkey year, which makes me twelve. Problem is, I’ve been twelve years old my whole life. It’s a lot suckier than it sounds.

Today was Grandpa’s big day. 342 humans were crammed on the white steps of the Xia Museum of Robotics for the Grand Opening. As the new Museum Director, Grandpa bounced anxiously on the stage behind the red ribbon. The Mayor was supposed to arrive at 10 for the ribbon-cutting.

It was 10:15.

I was in position, of course. Equipped in full armor, gold and handsome under Xia’s cheerfully frying sun. I stood on the roof where I could scan everyone with my optics system, in case of bad guys, the usual. The sky was cloud-free blue, but it’s like that all year in Xia, China’s southmost island.

Mo-B the sperm whale soared over the museum, like a giant white blimp, crooning hello. He’s part of the Whale Way, our flying train service and Xia’s #2 tourist attraction. I waved at the people in Mo-B’s belly, who waved back.

Today was going to be amazing.

“I’m frying,” Jun said, his voice crackling inside my helmet. That’s my brother down there, that big, buff guy in the police uniform, with the undercut and crow tattoo on his neck. Yeah, the guy who just started stripping in public. “How hot is it, Yoyo? Be straight with me.”

“Dude, it’s not that—oh wow, it’s 36°C. Okay.”

“Get your monkey butt down here.”

“Can’t. I’m in full armor.”

“Then de-armor yourself.”

I groaned. When I was first made, Jun was only ten, which automatically made me boss. But like all humans, Jun grew up. He’s almost twenty-three, so now he’s boss. And ever since he joined the Robot Control Squad (RCS, though Jun calls them the Ricks), he’s gone from Cool Bro to Crabby Bro to Perpetual Pebble in My Cogs.

I jumped off the roof like a majestic eagle, swooped into a palm tree, and dropped a coconut on a reporter.

“Ow!”

Whoops.

The reporter squinted around, rubbing his steel head. That was way too close. Everyone knows the Golden Giant, but no one knows about Yoyo. If anyone found out Yoyo = the Golden Giant, I wouldn’t just be dead.

I’d be recycled.

I slid down the bumpy trunk, straight into a thicket of large purple flowers. Ta-da. I may be big and gold, but I can be stealthy too. Like a big, gold ninja.

Once I was safely hidden, I removed my armor. Don’t worry, nothing PG-13. The helmet went first: visor lifted, antennas retracted, the helmet folded into the back of my skull. My golden plates flipped inside-out. Shoulder guards. Chest plate (Jun likes to say ‘breast’). Gauntlets. Propeller boots. Two meters of me, compressed into 1.56 meters of me. The real me. I’m compact.

I whistled as I skipped up the museum steps past the coconut reporter. He probably thought I was human. Most people make that mistake. Even robots.

Grandpa says it’s because I look so “realistic.” My creator modeled me after someone, so I inherited all the original’s scrawniness and freckliness, and staticky black hair, like I was hit by lightning.

A barricade of policeBots blocked the way to the top. I flashed the policeBots my RCS badge, hidden under my yellow shirt. They grunted in unison and opened a small path. The whole museum was under “M” alert, which stands for Phantom M, the world’s worst criminal, enemy of all robots. Man, I hope he didn't come.

I found Grandpa pacing behind the stage, probably calling someone about the Mayor. I waved at him, but I don’t think he saw me. He was punching his palm a lot. As one of China’s most famous roboticists, Grandpa was top choice for Museum Director. People call him the Father of Zoobotics because he likes to build giraffes, emperor penguins, and anything else that went extinct in the last hundred years. He’s not so great with humans.

To be honest, I was also pretty worried. I know Mayor Yu and he is never late.

I saluted Jun, who’d stripped down to a black shirt and rolled-up trousers, showing off the surgery scars on his neck and shoulders. “What seems to be the problem?”

Jun tossed me his Scopes. “Could you lend me your tail?”

“You called me all the way here to charge your battery?”

“I’m on Level 68 in Evil Cupcakes. Don’t leave me stranded in Mt. Marshmallows, soldier.”

I sighed, “Yessir.” I checked to see if the coast was clear, then pulled out my brass tail. Extractable, stored in my spine, with a socket at the tip. Most robots have standard black cords for connecting and charging and stuff, but mine is a prehensile tail, which is a fancy way of saying “my tail can open the fridge and zap bad guys.”

I plugged myself into Jun’s Scopes, which look like aviator sunglasses, very classy. Mine are embedded in my helmet’s visor. Grandpa upgraded my AR (Augmented Reality) screen last week, so I can watch a movie while I’m flying! Isn’t that cool?

Technology is the best.

Jun’s Scopes lit up. “Di says she’s coming,” I read aloud her message, “‘right after my boss drops dead.’” I frowned. “Why's her boss dying?”

Di’s our sister. She works for a company called Imaginary Friends Inc., known for making “devastatingly beautiful” robots, whatever that means. Her dream is to make the perfect boyfriend. She calls it Operation Mr. Darcy.

“Tell her to get bubble tea,” Jun said. “I want taro.”

I snickered as I texted Di to get Jun peppermint. My tail gave a twitch. I unplugged myself from Jun’s Scopes. “100% charged, free of charge.”

Jun ruffled my hair, which used to annoy me because it felt like he was rubbing it in, like, “Haha! Look how much I’ve grown!”

I’m okay with it now.

I watched Jun kill a couple more cupcakes on his Scopes’ AR screen, then checked the time. 10:28. Still no sign of the Mayor.

“So.” I cleared the static from my throat. “Is the Mayor coming?”

“I wouldn’t bet on it,” Jun said, tongue between his teeth, as he blasted a Red Velvet to crumbs.

“Did something happen?” I waited. Nothing. “Did his hovercar crash into the Razer Rail? Is it something I did? Is it,” I lowered my voice, “Phantom M?

“Ha, I wish.”

“Jun!”

“Dude, the Mayor’s a robot-hater. Total nutso. No idea how he got elected. Chief Wang said he wants to scrap the whole Superhero Initiative by June.”

“What?”

“Booyah! Level 69. Eat that, no, I’m eating you!”

I poked Jun repeatedly with my tail because I was kind of going Code Red here. “What do you mean he’s scrapping the Superhero Initiative?”

“Right, I forgot to tell you.” Jun put his hand on my shoulder. “Bad news, Yoyo. The Mayor’s getting rid of you.”


RIBBON CUTTING


“I’m fired?”

“Kind of,” Jun said. “The Mayor wants you canned. Literally. He wants you recycled into a tin can.”

“I’m made of prolixium!”

“You’ll be an indestructible tin can,” Jun said, trying really hard not to laugh.


I couldn’t believe it. I’d served Xia for three years. That’s 1,096 days, including the leap year! That’s 26,304 hours. 1,578,240 minutes. 95 million seconds. Okay, I exaggerate. Obviously, I didn’t protect Xia every second, but I protected it for 80% of it! 

8 comments:

  1. PITCH:
    Your first paragraph is filled with ones and twos. Is that on purpose? The year 2112, Yoyo is 12, and then you add the One, Two. It had me a little overwhelmed. I'm thinking this is because robots brains are computers and are therefor binary? If this is why, maybe hint at that.

    . . . have been (overly) confident . . .

    In the last paragraph, I'm already thinking that the Mayor's daughter is a robot, too, so if that's true, try making it a little less predictable.

    Overall, this pitch is really good. It's concise, has stakes, it reads well.

    PAGES:
    I really love the extra detail you've added. The mention of M in the first pages. I think there's a lot more information in here and it feels natural as we read.

    One thought: If people know Yoyo, they also know he never grows. Does the family keep him secret? Because he seems to be known by guards, by people who would know Jun and their father. So it would seem obvious that he's a robot. I think I may be confusing revisions or that making robots used to be illegal but now it's obviously not since Di is making a robot boyfriend. So ignore this if that's the case.

    I really love it!
    Heather

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Sylvia.

    Pitch:
    The first sentence is a great hook. The broken sentences work well in the text but I'm not sure it's the best choice here. After that first very intriguing sentence it's followed by "one its illegal" .. no one reading this will yet know he's a robot, so if I try and forget everything I already know, and read this as an agent, I'm confused. Why is school illegal?

    It may read better if you put this together in flowing sentence that complements your start.

    In the next part you bring up his 'mission' to keep the daughter safe from Phantom X. That works well.

    The next two paragraphs have some overlapping/redundant information. They can probably be condensed into one paragraph.

    Text:
    Your last version was great and the changes you made only improved it more. There is nothing much new to say about the first chapter pages. I think the style is very readable and perfectly targeted for the audience. If you are unfamiliar with "Captain Underpants" you should read a few of them. Dave Pilkey captures the humor of this audience perfectly, and while everything doesn't need to be a potty joke, it could be helpful in future edits to hone the humor.

    Thank you for all your great suggestions and comments.

    Best Wishes,
    Patrick

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi Silvia,

    I especially like the references to the mayor in the first pages now that I know that Yoyo will be guarding his daughter.

    I also think it's essential that we know Yoyo is a robot early, since his being secretly the Golden Giant is enough for him and the reader to grapple with.
    What a great twist on the superhero dilemma - Yoyo without his superhero suit is still non-human with "powers." Of course you know all this, but it's just sinking in for me having read your pitch.

    I like your pitch a lot though I agree that the ones and twos in the opening are a bit distracting. You've done a great job of including the promised action and stakes clearly and in voice. That's not easy. Good work!

    Just curious if you're imagining illustrations or if you are an illustrator too. The images in the pages would be appealing in manga form.

    I will miss reading about Yoyo:( Best of luck, Silvia.
    truly,

    Kathi

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Silvia

    Pitch:
    I understand why you’ve written the pitch in Yoyo’s voice – but if the person reading the pitch hasn’t read your first 5 pages, it can come across as a bit stilted.

    Also I’m confused by “no one knows him as Yoyo” (ie, a 12-yr-old robot-boy) but he’s then sent to infiltrate a school. Does the mayor send him? (and therefore know he’s the Golden Giant/a robot-boy?) Or do you mean, people know Yoyo (as a robot-boy), but don’t connect him with the Golden Giant?

    Also, in the pitch, hijacked robots end up in the “Junkyard” – is that a worse fate than being recycled? Is it the same?

    Pages:
    Your pages are really strong and haven’t needed much revision. For me, the humour is a really appealing element, and I think you handle the dialogue particularly well.

    One tiny quibble: in the final paragraph, Yoyo calculates how long he’s served Xia, down to the last second. But then says really it was only for 80% of the time. I think to be true to his character, it would be more like 81.274%. ;-)

    It’s been a pleasure being on this 1st Five Pages workshop with you, Silvia. Thank you for your valuable feedback and insight.

    Best regards
    Caroline

    ReplyDelete
  5. I actually really like the pitch. I've always had better luck with pitches (and helping people with queries) when they DO mirror the voice of the text. You're writing a MG, and I think it's important that your pitch SHOW that you can write that voice--and the pitch certainly does. I'd simplify a few of the sentences to connect. Leave the fragments/choppier bits for when you really want emphasis. And the last sentence confused me.

    I also like a lot of the changes you've made to this version. We get right into the action, while the characters and world building are still very clear. Great work!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Silvia,

    Not going to lie, I'm sad I won't get to read more of YoYo for now.

    But lets get right into it.

    Pitch, I'm with Lisa on, I liked it a lot. The pause with the points actually got me to laugh and to continue on. I noticed the 1s and 2s as well, and after the point 2. it made me chuckle. I don't know if you meant that, but if so, I liked that little subtlety.

    The last line caught me off as well - what was the assignment? Homework? A class thing? Protecting the daughter? I would cut it honestly and leave it to defeating M and not blowing his cover.

    As for your lines - I really have no further nit picks for it at all. You've come a ways from the original that we saw, and your world building is my favorite so far. I've really enjoyed your story and wish you and YoYo all the luck for the future!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dear Silvia,

    It was lovely to read your pages! Thank you so much for the opportunity. Both my parents are the year of the monkey so your writing immediately put a smile on my face. I am also a big fan of taro bubble tea, and I am glad there was a mention of it here.

    First of all, your pitch is wonderful. Top notch stuff. Excellent job! I love the idea that a robot also experiencing “mood glitches and anxiety fits” – I feel that kids will be tickled by the fact that they can empathize with a robot’s mood swings, that a robot can experience inexplicable emotions as well is great idea. I also love that Yoyo is much shorter than his alter-ego. That was a great visual – this is a middle grade with some wonderful illustrative opportunities. You should definitely make note of this in your pitch letter when you send it out to agents.

    I was a bit confused by the coconut bit, when you say “Everyone knows the Golden Giant, but no one knows about Yoyo.” Why would the coconut falling on the reporter expose him?

    And finally, it sounds like Jun is definitely an unfeeling, craptastic brother, but I was a bit disconcerted with how flippant he was about Yoyo going to the recycling bin. I imagine that in this nearish-future, regular humans begin treating robots a bit like their own, and with all your emphasis Yoyo’s family, I think it would make more sense if Jun treated Yoyo a bit more like a real brother, and showed some remorse. He's losing a brother he's known his whole life, after all!

    Otherwise, great work! Glad I got to read this. Thank you, thank you.

    Sincerely,
    Wendi Gu

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dear Silvia,

    It was lovely to read your pages! Thank you so much for the opportunity. Both my parents are the year of the monkey so your writing immediately put a smile on my face. I am also a big fan of taro bubble tea, and I am glad there was a mention of it here.

    First of all, your pitch is wonderful. Top notch stuff. Excellent job! I love the idea that a robot also experiencing “mood glitches and anxiety fits” – I feel that kids will be tickled by the fact that they can empathize with a robot’s mood swings, that a robot can experience inexplicable emotions as well is great idea. I also love that Yoyo is much shorter than his alter-ego. That was a great visual – this is a middle grade with some wonderful illustrative opportunities. You should definitely make note of this in your pitch letter when you send it out to agents.

    I was a bit confused by the coconut bit, when you say “Everyone knows the Golden Giant, but no one knows about Yoyo.” Why would the coconut falling on the reporter expose him?

    And finally, it sounds like Jun is definitely an unfeeling, craptastic brother, but I was a bit disconcerted with how flippant he was about Yoyo going to the recycling bin. I imagine that in this nearish-future, regular humans begin treating robots a bit like their own, and with all your emphasis Yoyo’s family, I think it would make more sense if Jun treated Yoyo a bit more like a real brother, and showed some remorse. He's losing a brother he's known his whole life, after all!

    Otherwise, great work! Glad I got to read this. Thank you, thank you.

    Sincerely,
    Wendi Gu

    ReplyDelete