Elizabeth Thompson
Young Adult Contemporary
Being Whitney
Eighteen points, eleven rebounds, strong all four quarters; the good stats arrived first. Whitney smiled as she pulled her long brown hair into her standard ponytail. Then she sighed.
“Awesome game Whit, per usual,” her best friend Hannah said crossing the locker room.
“Thanks,” Whitney replied under her breath.
Hannah turned and looked her in the eye. “You’re the best player on the team Whitney. Try to focus on the positives.”
Whitney nodded, but the minute the locker room door slammed shut the other stats appeared forefront in her mind: four missed free-throws, that awful missed pass late in the second quarter, the missed jump-ball. Instinctively the drills she needed to run appeared in front of her. ‘First thing tomorrow’ she told herself. ‘And every day until our game on Wednesday. Then Wednesday will be better. It has to be.’
Whitney stepped out of the locker room hopeful, and stopped short, her dad’s voice freezing her steps.
“She’s going to our money maker one day. Stanford and then the WNBA. That’s her path. When she’s out there, you can see it in her eyes.”
The strange man next to him, likely another college scout her dad cornered like he did nearly every tournament, nodded politely.
“I think that’s your eyes honey. You’re the one who can see it.”
Her dad glanced at her mom with a clinched jaw. Whitney winced; her mom’s interventions never resulted in progress.
“Well I think we can all see it,” her dad continued to the stranger, “Whitney knows it though. She knows where her talent lies. She may only be fourteen, but she’s very aware this is where she can make something of herself. It’s now or never.”
Whitney’s attempt at a deep breath caught in her tight chest. Worried she’d puke if she listened any longer, she stepped into the large gym and joined the trio. While her dad continued to direct the opinion of the recruiter, more of his almost-praise filled Whitney’s head, every statement tinged with ‘maybes’ and ‘ifs’ relying on “how bad she wanted it.” She wanted it of course, but her dad wanted it even more. She added in the affirmations required of her, shook the recruiters hand with a smile, and followed her parents out into the warm summer night.
Once inside the car she reminded herself of her errors and her plans to fix them, building up her confidence for what she knew awaited her.
Her dad started before pulling out of the parking lot.
“Do you believe you played up to your potential today Whitney?”
“No.”
“Do you have another lame excuse you’d like to give me about why?”
“No. There are no excuses.”
“Then why the hell do you keep playing like shit? Why do you keep wasting everything we’ve worked for?”
Whitney fed her dad all the lines she knew he wanted, but he didn’t stop. Although the lectures became commonplace around seventh grade, their intensity continued to grow. Usually Whitney could handle them, he was just trying to help, but over the summer his words had grown sharper and today they felt covered in salt. By the time they hit the freeway Whitney’s eyes were full.
“Now you’re going to cry? That always helps things.”
Whitney wiped her face and dug her fingernails into her palms to stop the tears.
“I’m not crying.”
“You used to love basketball Whitney. This used to be your dream.”
“I do love basketball. This is my dream. I want to do well Dad. I really do.”
“Apparently not enough.”
Whitney tried to ignore the desperate need to be good enough filling her chest.
Her dad turned the car into their private gated neighborhood and maneuvered past the familiar broad houses and perfectly manicured lawns.
The car filled with bitter silence as her dad killed the engine and reached for the door.
“I’m sorry dad. I want it. I do,” Whitney said.
Her dad turned his piercing green eyes towards her identical ones and Whitney held her breath waiting for any token of acceptance.
“Your actions don’t show that. I’m just not sure this is all worth it anymore.”
Whitney moved quickly from the car, for once relieved that her house’s 4,000 square feet allowed her to completely escape even when everyone was home. Her dad’s words echoed in her mind and tore apart her chest: ‘you’re not worth it anymore.’
She pulled out her phone and glanced, through eyes blurred by tears, at her pictures. The waterpark trip, front row at the hottest summer concert, shopping in San Francisco with Hannah and their mom’s, riding lessons with her sister Mable and, of course, basketball, so much basketball. She smiled when she landed on pictures from a recent tournament in Los Angeles. They’d beat the top team on the west coast in the last thirty seconds of the game, dogpiling on Hannah when she made the winning basket. The memory weakened Whitney’s grip and she let her phone fall as her mind drifted to what happened after the picture. Fury had filled her dad when he laid into her before their flight home. He didn’t work his butt of so she could just be on the winning team, he’d said. That wasn’t good enough.
‘Whitney just isn’t good enough’ she heard him say in her mind. Or so she thought, until her mom’s reply followed it.
The voices pulled Whitney towards the hall and she tiptoed to the landing where Mable sat, face pushed against the cold steel bars of the railing, listening to their parents in the kitchen below.
“How can you even say that?” Whitney’s mom said.
“I’ve worked with her tirelessly and she just isn’t there. We’ve given Whitney the world and she is still just a normal girl who can play okay basketball.”
“The world isn’t what they need. Those girls don’t need any of this crap. The private lessons, exclusive camps, huge house, show horses, designer clothes and whatever else you’re throwing at them aren’t important.”
“I’ve never once heard them complain.”
“They’re kids Matt. They don’t know what they need.”
“But I’m sure you do?”
Whitney shrunk back into herself, sitting cross-leg beside Mable, her whole being heavy under her parent’s latest argument.
“I think they need a change. They need some fresh air and room to be themselves. They certainly could do without your excessive pressures.”
“Those girls are thriving here. A move is exactly what they don’t need.”
Whitney and Mable scurried to their feet and moved quickly towards their room as their mom started up the stairs.
“We’ll see,” Whitney heard her mom say before closing her bedroom door.
Her mom’s threat hung over the house like a mourning cloak, making the air impossibly thick. Whitney woke every day anxious for it to lift, assuring Mable it’d soon be gone, and working endlessly on the court, yet in the end it was all pointless.
Three weeks later her dad’s look of shock mirrored Whitney’s, on opposite sides of the tinted glass window of the SUV Whitney’s mom drove her away in.
Whitney’s mom billed it as the most humanitarian rescue mission in history. Her dad billed it as the single greatest mistake her mom would ever make, in regards to Whitney’s life and her own. Whitney just cried. Her friends, her court, her house, her entire being, they were Mountain View, California. Until they weren’t.
Her mom’s threat of a change was exactly what they got. Stuck on their need for fresh air, her mom took a professor position at the University of Oregon, easily within commuting distance from a small town where the girls could ‘be themselves.’ Pulling into their new town, as the sun set behind the water tower, standing tall over tiny Millersburg, Oregon – population 4,237, Whitney fought to understand how she could ever be herself completely stripped of everything she knew.
'She’s moved me to a foreign country.' Whitney text Hannah.
'It can’t be that bad. It’s only a state away.'
'This town has two stoplights, three auto parts stores and a McDonalds. No Starbucks, no mall, no you.'
'Are you serious? I thought every town had a Starbucks.'
'I’m serious here Hannah. I’m very certain I’m not in California anymore. Send help. Fast.'
Pitch:
Whitney isn't from a small town, nor did she ever want to be, yet in an effort to save her from the immense pressures her dad places on her, a small town is exactly where Whitney's mom transports her. Suddenly, Whitney is the new girl in an Oregon town with only 4,000 people, all of whom seem to already have an opinion of the new California transplant. Whitney understood how to live in California, but she quickly learns nothing she knows easily transfers to this town built on family names and land-based loyalty, not even who she is. Each new friend Whitney makes opens another, more complicated glimpse into this small-town web of old-fashion ideas and archaic beliefs. Everyone she meets seems the same, except for Leif. Too bad Leif is the brother of one of the only friends Whitney makes and is also dating the most popular girl in school. Whitney is lost in the middle of more small-town drama than she can ever understand, with the only hope of finding herself coming from the same person who pulled her into the mess.
First Five Pages Writing Workshop: Jump Start Your Novel and Career
Now after reading your pitch I think it's very important to have the stuff with the father at the beginning. Good choice putting it back.
ReplyDeleteThe end of the section makes more sense to me now. It felt odd stopping with meeting the new girls. I wasn't sure if it was gonna be her new best friends or a mean girls situation. The last sentence would make me turn the page.
I still don't know enough about pitches myself, to be much help on that. But I do think it should be broken into a couple small sections instead of one block of text.
Pitch:
ReplyDeleteNice job. From what I have read, you hit on all the major tensions Whitney feels. My main comment on the pitch in general is that it could have more immediacy. It feels like it is written at arm’s length. I think it would read better if it were written with the same urgency Whitney feels about her situation. For example, I would like to know a hair more about “not even who she is.” What details convey that idea? Likewise, I feel like a better starting place would be the second sentence—that’s where you really spell out Whitney’s conflict. I also like the bits about Leif and why Whitney can’t be with him. That sounds rife with conflict.
Text:
You have made some great improvements. The additions/fleshing out of the scene with the father are excellent. As a reader, I sting when he says, “Then why the hell do you keep playing like shit?” and “Now you’re going to cry? That always helps things.” I wanted to jump over the backseat and throttle him. There is no doubt Whitney’s going to hear that voice in her head for, well, ever. Such a great, great improvement.
In fact, you did such a great job on the father that now I wonder what’s wrong with Whitney’s mother?!? Why didn’t she leave that dirt-bag years ago?!? Or ever wind up with him at all? Someone needs to muzzle that guy and keep him away from kids.
And it’s still a great line that his words were covered in salt. Even though I’ve read it several times now, I still love it every time.
Also the text exchange is brilliant. What a clever device to convey a lot quickly and do it in Whitney’s voice. It is natural, because of course she would be texting or snapchatting. Very nice work there. Although I think the last line about “I’m certain I’m not in California anymore” might need to be played up bigger. As in, for her, this is Armeggedon. Teens aren’t normally known for underselling things.
As far as nit-picky things, I have a minor quibble with the line, “I think that’s your eyes honey.” I thought it was the scout speaking since her mother hasn’t been mentioned. I would either mention Whitney’s mother first or put a dialogue tag between the two sentences. Or instead of a dialogue tag you could put in a bit of action first like: Her mother tugged at an earring. “I think that’s…”
Initially I was confused by the underscores. Now I read them as placeholders for future details. I’m assuming that’s what they are. If you wanted, I think you could end with “Instinctively the drills she needed to run appeared in front of her.” That sentence already says so much. Adding more might water it down or just feel like piling on. (But that of course depends on what details you’re thinking about.)
I’m not sure 4,000 square feet conveys a lot of meaning to kids. The gated community does, but before I went house-hunting as an adult, square footage meant nothing to me. How many rooms does the house have? Or how many bedrooms? Or what detail would a teenager use to convey cavernous?
Also, I think you can cut the line “the good stats arrived first.” I know you’re trying to convey some foreshadowing, but I think you create more mystery by relying on Whitney sighing. We don’t know why she would sigh after awesome stats; whereas, saying the good stats, we need it wasn’t all great news.
What a great job. You really make us want Whitney to succeed in a very few pages. Very good job.
Hi!
ReplyDeleteFirst off--congrats on all the improvements you've made here. I can really see the hard work you've put into this revision, and you've made these pages soooo much stronger than that first draft. You're definitely on the right track here, so I'm going to give you some more comments to help keep pushing you down that track.
I really love that you've gone back to the moment when she's getting berated by her father as your starting place. I think it works much, much better to really get a sense of what Whitney is dealing with and what she possibly has to work through in terms of projecting a character arc.
One suggestion I have is that I think you might be able to spend a bit more time on this moment. Five pages isn't very much at all, and while you want your first few pages to be tight and compulsively readable, don't be afraid to really tease out the moment between Whitney and her parents here. In five pages you might be able to get through the blow up after the game, her reaction, and then *maybe* her mom's threat to leave, but I'm not sure it's working to get her to the actual move in that short of time. Remember, emotion and tension can be just as compelling and page-turning as a bunch of actions/events.
It's just a lot to get through in 5 pages...and I don't think you *need* to in order to have a strong 5 pages.
The addition of Mabel is interesting and could add some complications to this story if you finesse her a bit more, but right now, I'm having a hard time getting a good idea of why she's in the opening...mostly because there isn't enough of her. It seems to me, if Whitney has a sister, she would either depend on her like a life raft in the stormy seas of her father's inflated expectations or she would have a more distant relationship...but for a particular reason (such as, the father likes Mabel better, or expects less from her). Either way, when Mabel's in the scene, the narrator needs to pay some attention to the family dynamics between the two sisters. For instance: Whitney texts a friend we haven't yet seen when they arrive in their new town, but doesn't talk to her sister about it--why? Because the sister didn't come (which brings up lots of questions)? And the move--is it a divorce? How would the sisters deal with that?
Some other issues:
ReplyDeleteAction Issues: If her mom is standing there with the father and the stranger, then be sure that her mom is all throughout that scene. Same with the sister. When does her sister appear--is she waiting at home? Is she there all the time? Whitney should be aware of her mom and her sister, even if her dad seems to be the one running the show. And then the space between her mom's "we'll see" and the leaving--it feels like there is something missing there.
Be sure that you follow through on the action/reaction. For instance, when her dad says:
“Then why the hell do you keep playing like shit? Why do you keep wasting everything we’ve worked for?”
What we get from Whitney is:
Whitney fed her dad all the lines she knew he wanted, but he didn’t stop.
--> So here, I really want to see what Whitney's immediate reaction is to these words. Is she hurt? Is this something she's so used to that it doesn't even register? Put us inside her mind at this point.
Also, watch out to use description to move the plot forward, rather than as decoration.
For instance:
"Her dad turned his piercing green eyes towards her identical ones and Whitney held her breath waiting for any token of acceptance."
-->here, you can use a moment like this to show a couple of things. Usually "piercing green eyes" would be something positive, like the way someone might describe a love interests striking gaze, but here, it seems like you could use it to show that it's piercing in a not-so-great way...and if she has identical eyes, how does that make her feel? Is she glad to share this feature with her father? Or is this another reminder that she's not ever going to live up to what he wants from her? Why is it important that her eyes are also piercing green? Basically, you always want the description to work in the service of the plot or the theme. If it's just window-dressing, then you can cut it out or save it for a place it will work. For instance, if you're only describing the father's eyes here to show what Whitney looks like, that feels out of place. If you're using the father's eyes to show how Whitney feels about him or herself, then it totally works.
I like hearing more of Whitney's voice, I'm getting a better sense of who she is. You were right to bring the scene with the father back.
ReplyDeleteI noticed we lose the arrival to the old house Oregon - I had liked all those details - and also the spotting of the young neighbour in the tractor, however the text exchange with her friend is brilliant and almost makes up for it. The texting really brought me into teen talk. I believe you are on the right track, good improvements.
As far as pitches are concerned, it would be a disservice for me to comment other than to say... it really does sound like something I'd read.
All the very best Elizabeth
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteFirst up, congratulations on all your hard work and terrific improvements! These pages are really moving in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments above, and I'll add some of my own here:
*In the very beginning, I was a little confused by Whitney's mood arc - first she smiles, then sighs, then is hopeful, then freezes. I'm wondering if you might go into more description and detail about what she's mentally and emotionally experiencing. Does she smile with pride or relief or something else? Then add a detail about the sigh - what kind of sigh is it? Is it a sign of resignation (i.e., the good stats don't really mean anything) or anxiety (i.e., but the bad stats are SO bad ... I'm going to get chewed out by my dad!) or something else?
And maybe add a detail to the "under her breath" that leads Hannah to question why Whitney's not being more positive? Maybe Whitney scrunches up her face or mutters or shrugs or something like that?
And why does Whitney feel hopeful after that? Is it because she's figuring out a way to fix the bad stuff?
Whitney is truly experiencing a roller-coaster of emotions here, so whatever you can do to slow that down and flesh it out and make us be on that roller-coaster with her would be great!
*I wasn't always clear who was speaking, so it would be good to clarify.
*And yes, I'd love to know more about Mabel! I think it's a great idea to add a sister character. But she came out of the blue and with no description/explanation (is she older/younger, why was she at home instead of at the game, what is the nature of their relationship, etc.) so I would definitely add those details to your next revision.
*The pitch is very appealing and makes me want to read more. I really feel for Whitney and want to see what happens next in her journey.
Good luck!!!
Elizabeth!!
ReplyDeleteYou did a phenomenal job on this revision! I really feel the conflict between Whitney and her father a whole lot more, and since that’s the catalyst for the entire upheaval of her life, I agree with Lisa that you need to fill this out more. Let us see Whitney’s anguish that she WAS doing her best. That no matter how hard she tries, it’s never good enough for her dad.
Again, as Lisa mentioned, five pages really isn’t a whole lot. So if you focus on the conflict with her father, maybe Whitney can remember when she was a little girl, and playing basketball with her dad was so much fun. It was how they connected. They laughed and went for ice cream.
Now, all he ever talks about is how HE nearly made it to the NBA. How he got so close. I see him as projecting his broken dreams on her. Perhaps the mother could bring this up in the argument.
I also like the idea of ending the segment with her mother’s threat. But I would go further, and have her say the D word. Let this send a shock wave through Whitney. And also, if Mable is there, would she cling to Whitney when things get so heated below? Or would she pull away and BLAME Whitney?
Here are a few examples of segments I believe we could rearrange and strengthen:
ReplyDeleteEighteen points, eleven rebounds, strong all four quarters; the good stats arrived first. Whitney smiled as she pulled her long brown hair into her standard ponytail. Then she sighed.
INSTEAD: “The good stats arrived first. Eighteen points, eleven rebounds, strong all four quarters. Whitney smiled as she tugged her hair into its standard ponytail. {Watch out for overdescription}
“Awesome game Whit, per usual,” her best friend Hannah said crossing the locker room.
“Thanks,” Whitney replied under her breath.
Hannah turned and looked her in the eye. “You’re the best player on the team Whitney. Try to focus on the positives.”
Whitney nodded, but the minute the locker room door slammed shut the other stats appeared forefront in her mind: four missed free-throws, that awful missed pass late in the second quarter, the missed jump-ball. Instinctively the drills she needed to run appeared in front of her. ‘First thing tomorrow’ she told herself. ‘And every day until our game on Wednesday. Then Wednesday will be better. It has to be.’
INSTEAD:
“Awesome game Whit, per usual.”
Whitney watched her best friend navigate toward her through a sea of dirty jerseys and locker room funk. “Dad won’t think so.” {Because wouldn’t her BFF know about her problems w/her dad?}
Hannah plopped down on the bench beside her. “You’re the best player on the team. He knows that. Try to focus on the positives.”
Whitney nodded as Hannah gave her a quick squeeze. But the minute the locker room door slammed shut behind her, the other stats appeared forefront in Hannah’s mind: four missed free-throws, that awful missed pass late in the second quarter, the missed jump-ball. Instinctively the drills she’d need to run appeared in front of her. ‘First thing tomorrow’ she told herself. ‘And every day until our game. I’ll be better Wednesday. I have to be.’ {Saying I have to be better makes it personal.}
We need a dialogue tag with the mother’s sentence about eyes. I didn’t know who was talking.
During the argument in the car—let Dad bring up how it was when HE played. Let the mom blow up harder. It should escalate inside, and if Whitney is protective of Mable, let us see that on the staircase.
{I would cut this line. It’s a little awkward, and you don’t need it.} Three weeks later her dad’s look of shock mirrored Whitney’s, on opposite sides of the tinted glass window of the SUV Whitney’s mom drove her away in.
I think the paragraph below is a really strong ending—GREAT JOB!!—with just a couple of tweaks!
Whitney’s mom billed it as the most humanitarian rescue mission in history. Her dad billed it as the single greatest mistake her mom would ever make, in regards to Whitney’s life and her own. Whitney just cried. Her friends, her court, her house, her entire being, they were Mountain View, California. Until they weren’t.
INSTEAD: Whitney’s mom called the divorce a humanitarian rescue mission. Her dad billed it as the single greatest mistake her mom would ever make. Mable cried. Their mom cursed under her breath. And Whitney? She had become a statue of herself. She couldn’t cry. She couldn’t even bring herself to blink. Her friends, her court, her house, her entire being, they were Mountain View, California.
Until they weren’t. {AWESOME LINE! }
I’m so proud of you and the wonderful hard work you’ve done!!! YAY!
Hi Elizabeth,
ReplyDeleteI like the conflict that you've got brewing here between Whitney and her father! I'm a little confused about the move though. It happens so quickly that I'm not sure if the mother ended the relationship with the dad, or if they're going to stay married but live in two different states? It's hard to tell from the pages, but would definitely affect Whitney either way.
I also wonder that we don't see the time in between her mother's decision and the move itself. It takes several rounds of interviews before someone is offered a professorial position at a college, and the process generally takes months. So I wonder what is happening while her mother is job searching and apartment hunting? How does Whitney say goodbye to her friends? Her team? I think if we can see a bit more about what *Whitney* is sad to leave behind, we'll have a better sense of who she is and also what she's worried about in Oregon.
I also agree about the shifting emotions in the first few paragraphs. I was confused by the sigh after the good stats, and had to read twice.
In looking at the pitch, I wonder that basketball isn't mentioned at all? Does she not play basketball when she gets to Oregon? But more important, I'm not 100% sure what kind of novel we'll be reading from the pitch. The mention of Leif makes it seem like the main conflict might be a romance, but the end line suggests that it's a family story as from the pitch alone the only person creating a mess for Whitney is her mother for moving.
As always, this is just one opinion in a very subjective business. I hope you find this helpful as you revise.
Best,
Tracy
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