Name: T.K. Forrester
Genre: Young Adult: Fantasy
Pitch:
At last Milka is an Orgait with the magical powers she craves. The only problem is, she hasn’t a clue how to use them. Of course it would’ve helped if they hadn’t appeared during the worst time EVER … the brutal invasion of her village and capture of her grandmother. Luckily she does have a best friend and together they set off on a rare ice-dragon to find her uncle and help the king stop Zulcor’s villainous acts. But a detour results in near misses and an encounter that gives painful insights into her parents’ death.
As Zulcor’s army grows, Milka is desperate to free her grandmother and stop his tyrannical designs on Pashdom. The once fearless 15 year old must master her new powers while trying to conquer the raw emotions threatening to overwhelm her. Her way forward lies not just in her magical abilities but in the power of her lifelong friendship and the unbreakable bond she builds with her dragon.
Using plenty of humor and the determined voice of a female protagonist, my debut novel is a coming of age story that explores teenage angst in the middle of fighting a war between good and evil.
FINAL DRAFT: Milka & the Ice Dragon
Milka’s hands sliced through the water. Ahead by an arm's length, she could feel Xander gaining. Adrenaline spiked through her with every fevered last stroke. Lifting her head for a final breath, she glimpsed a shadowy figure darting among the bushes.
The bottom of her feet hit against the sharp edges of limestone rocks,but she barely felt it. Her eyes drawn to the cloak fluttering through the shrubs beside the giant toad-shaped rock, near the water’s edge. Panic tickled the back of her throat. Someone’s over there. She blinked, in instant it was gone.
"Did you see that?” Milka spun around.
“What?” Xander jolted mid-stroke. “I don’t see anything.”
The two friends stood waist deep in the stream that zigzagged through the trees, down to the fields behind the village, momentarily halting their daily swim challenge.
Panting heavily, her pulse still rising, she stared at the bush; someone's watching us.
Leaves rustled to her left. Milka swung her head towards the sound. “Did you hear that?”
“What?” Xander tilted his head to one side, as water drained from his ear.
“Come on you must have heard that?”
“No, I didn’t!”
Narrowing her eyes, she searched the embankment, but saw only the clearing with its soft grass and sprinkles of bright wildflowers, surrounded by tall pine trees.
"God's tooth you’re jittery today.” Xander's elfish features scrunched together. “How you even heard anything amidst the usual forest noise is beyond me ... maybe it was just your imagination.”
She opened her mouth for a snarky retort but closed it after another rustle caught her attention.It’s definitely coming from over there. Signalling for Xander to be quiet, she waded through the water, and onto the bank, creeping toward the bush beside the toad-like rock. Milka considered the size of the bush for a moment, she'd never realized just how large this particular one was. It's a good hiding spot for anyone who doesn't want to be seen.
Taking a deep breath, she prepared to stick her head in, but gasped at the sudden drops of water raining against her back. It was enough to send shivers down her spine.
She flashed around to see Xander two steps behind her, shaking his saggy mop of curly red hair.
Milka glared at him, her cheeks flushing.
"What?” Xander paused.
"Didn't I just say to be quiet?"
“You're not still on about that noise are you? You and I both know there’s nothing there.”
Emitting a sigh of frustration, he nudged her to the side and pushed his head into the shrub before quickly pulling it out. "Nothing's in here. Told you." He smirked before doing a neat front flip onto the toad-rock, hand-walking to its edge. “And ... there’s nothing around here either.”
“Hmm.” Milka nibbled the bottom of her lip, looking beyond the clearing where the green tops of the pines towered against the backdrop of a cloudless sky. Where did the person disappear to?
“Okay, now you're acting weird." Xander flipped back next to her, brushing a smear of rock dust from his hands.
“I know, it's just that —"
"What?"
"I could have sworn I saw someone over there. He or she was spying on us.” Milka exhaled.
"Rather early for your Grandmother to send a search party, don't you think?" Xander turned about slowly.
Two squirrels scurried from the trees, fiddling with some dried pine cones lying on the ground.
“Your ‘mysterious’ culprits.” His voice tinged with sarcasm.
“I think I’d know the difference between a squirrel and a person.” She snapped. However, his words had gotten to her. Had it been just a shadow?The light is fading after all. Yet the prickly sensation on the back of her neck refused to go away. She placed a hand at her temple. God I am jittery today. Milka wondered if her recent nightmares were to blame. Grandmother had promised they’d go away, but every night now her parents plagued her dreams.
Sighing heavily, she glanced at Xander who was looking at her rather suspiciously.
“You're not making any sense. I have a sneaky feeling you only ended the race to avoid losing."
“What?” Milka gave an incredulous laugh.
“It’s that McKinley streak of yours, you just couldn’t face losing could you?”
“Lose, you say?” Her eyebrow shot up in contradiction. At times like this she wanted to give him a good shake. She’d been prepared to admit a slight error in judgement but concede a loss? She'd never hear the end of it. “Alexander Mayfield, you know well and good I beat you twice since evening and was on my way to winning for a third time. A thousand arms couldn’t have helped you beat me.”
“Is that so?” The grin started first at his mouth, then slowly spread to his freckled nose, making its way up to his hazel eyes alight with mischief. “See, by my calculations, I was about to swim past you when you supposedly saw someone. Am I to believe this person up and vanished into thin air? A snicker escaped his mouth.
The gall of him! She lifted a finger to give him a good telling off but was side-tracked by something close to where she’d seen the squirrels.
“Look!” Milka sped over to the spot. A huge mark imprinted into ground.
“Well, it’s not a shoe mark," Xander said pointedly,
“Look at the size of this thing.”
Crouching low, Xander placed his palm in its center. "There isn’t a beast in Pashdom big enough to make this mark. It’s likely a trick of the recent rains and mud.”
“Hmm.” Milka furrowed her brows. “I don’t know ... first a figure in the trees and now this. Something strange is happening here today, I can feel it.”
"Right … my friend, what you have, is an overactive imagination.” Xander scoffed. "Just admit defeat and I'll forgive you ruining the race earlier."
“I'll do no such thing. You’re lucky I’m not an Orgait, or I’d have you spinning in the air for such stubbornness.”
Though Milka spoke lightly, Xander’s whole demeanor changed; familiar sympathy evident in his eyes. “It's only been six months since your fifteenth birthday, I’ve a feeling my luck will run out soon. The left side of his mouth curled into a half-grin. “But until then, I’ll just as soon continue to hassle you.”
“Quite optimistic of you to think I’ll ever be able to do magic.” For his sake, she put on a smile. “Anyway, I don’t care about all that anymore.” Milka tossed out the words, careful to avoid looking at him. She knew from experience his gaze missed nothing.
For as long as she could remember, the Miller’s son had been her best friend, partner in crime, or trouble companion as Grandma Esme liked to call him. Though he drove her crazy, he always knew what to say; she just didn’t feel like talking about her magic problems today.
“Come on, we’ve stayed long enough,” She moved towards their meager belongings pausing to gaze at the stream. The water, the trees, and even the gigantic rock—this was truly her favorite place in the world. Here, she could forget about her parents’ death. The fact she barely remembered their faces bothered her. Sometimes she’d stare at the stream, hoping if she looked long enough she’d see her mother’s reflection instead of her own. Needless to say, it never worked. Milka’s blue eyes would pierce back, her oval face clouding with sadness.
First Five Pages Writing Workshop: Jump Start Your Novel and Career
Good revision. The conversation flows. The creep factor is stronger. I think it works for me this way.
ReplyDeleteThe ending sentence tugs at the heart strings. Great for a YA first chapter.
On your pitch I'm not sure if we're supposed to put anything about ourselves. I could be wrong. But I think this:
Using plenty of humor and the determined voice of a female protagonist, my debut novel is a coming of age story that explores teenage angst in the middle of fighting a war between good and evil.
is a no-no. Someone with more experience can clear that up.
Thanks for pointing that out. Had tweaked "my debut" to just "the novel" however, I see I mistakenly copied the wrong version. In any case, I believe there is mostly the body of the pitch.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the revision: Your comments have been very helpful throughout. Thanks again
Pitch:
ReplyDeleteI like this pitch. It jumps right in and has energy to it. I wonder if it might be strengthened by cutting the two sentences: “But a detour results…” and “As Zulcom’s army grows,…” They might be the main plotline of the story, but I think as a teaser they don’t add much. Also, I think it would be stronger if you cut the final sentence “Using plenty of humor…” It would be far more interesting if you could show us Milka’s determined voice, the humor and the teenage angst in the query. Easier said than done, I know, but talking about your book is far less captivating than including details that show that information. At least that’s my opinion. Still, a very good job on this pitch.
Text:
Wow. Great work. Your opening does so much more in fewer words. You’ve injected a good dose of tension and eeriness, and the pacing doesn’t slow. The balance between exposition and dialogue is good. There is action. I like it. I would definitely keep reading.
One sentence that I think could be improved: “The two friends stood waist deep in the stream that zigzagged through the trees, down to the fields behind the village, momentarily halting their daily swim challenge.” Every time I read it, I stumble. I always think, wait, the zigzagging of the stream halted their daily swim challenge?
You know, I don’t really have anything significant to add. I think this is great. Nicely done. I’d keep reading.
Nice job on the revision. The first few pages feel much tighter, and the dialogue is good. I see you added toad-shaped rock. Good. I'm not sure it needs to be described that way every time, though. But it's up to you.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few places I stumbled, but I believe they can be easily fixed:
Signalling for Xander to be quiet.
Perhaps: raising a finger to her lips, she...
It's a good hiding spot for anyone who doesn't want to be seen.
I imagine this is an internal thought? If not it should be "it was," because it is jumping from past tense to present. (I wish we could italicize in Blogger posts.)
Taking a deep breath, she prepared to stick her head in...
Emitting a sigh of frustration, he nudged her...
Sighing heavily, she glanced at Xander...
I would watch the verb endings in "ing." Perhaps: She took a deep breath and stuck her head in.
He emitted a sigh of frustration and nudged her... She sighed heavily and glanced at Xander...
This is more active.
I think you've made some dramatic improvements in this piece. Well-done, and thanks for sharing it.
I believe your pitch still needs a little polishing. You don't want an agent or editor to pass over it. I'm sure you know your world very well, but someone seeing it for the first time may be a little confused:
At last Milka is an Orgait with the magical powers she craves.
Perhaps: In the land of XXX, fifteen-year-old Milka is an Orgait, someone who has the gift of XXX...
The only problem is, she hasn’t a clue how to use them.
Of course it would’ve helped if HER POWERS hadn’t appeared during the worst time EVER … the brutal invasion of her village and capture of her grandmother BY THE VILLAIN ZULCOR
Luckily she does have a best friend and together they set off on a rare ice-dragon to find her uncle and help the king stop Zulcor’s villainous acts. But a detour results in near misses and an encounter that gives painful insights into her parents’ death.
My edits are quite simple and can be improved upon. The important thing to remember is that the reader/agent/editor knows nothing of your world-building or characters, so reading a bunch of strange names and places might result in a muddled pitch.
I have recommended this site to writers looking for examples of pitches that landed agents and book deals:
http://querylettersuccess.com
Good luck, T.J!
The pitch is stock full of info. I'm sure it's all really important to the story, but it feels like too much random stuff to draw me in. I feel like I always have the same problem though, so I'm not sure how to fix it. The first mention of the dragon seems unnecessary, but then you mention it again below so I'm guessing it is important.
ReplyDeleteWhen you mention the "lifelong friendship and bond with her dragon" the friendship part is kind of confusing. Are you talking about her friendship with the boy or with the dragon?
I loved the last paragraph of the pitch. It makes me want to read it!
The revisions overall are great. I now feel like the first two paragraphs are a bit choppy and quick.
I LOVED the part about being distracted by the water droplets and the few quick lines of banter that followed it. That piece helps show their close relationship and how much her friend isn't concerned about what she saw.
I wish you the best of luck!
Hi. Terrific revisions ... congratulations! The dialogue zings, the pace is brisk, and the tension is high.
ReplyDeleteI just have a few things to add to the above comments:
Re the pitch (which is awesome): I too, was confused about the line regarding the power of her lifelong friendship and the bond with the dragon ... is the friendship with Xander or with the dragon? An easy fix might be to add Xander's name early on "luckily she has Xander" and then amend the later reference: "lifelong friendship with Xander" ... or something along those lines.
I was also confused by the reference to the uncle (since it's her grandmother who is captured) ... is there a way to clarify that with a word or two ("exiled uncle" or "long-absent uncle" or whatever)? Unless the uncle and the king are the same person? (It's not clear from the sentence.)
Also, later, she's desperate to find the grandmother but not the uncle ... again, that was confusing to me.
And I agree re the last few lines of the pitch; they should be revised or deleted per the above comments.
Good work! And good luck!
Thank you all for your very helpful comments.
ReplyDelete@Ron Excellent suggestions as always. I'll be sure to use them. And thanks for the website!
@Nancy, really appreciative of the advice. The line "about power of lifelong friendship" was really a struggle for me to write, but your suggestion makes total sense.
On the night of the capture, her grandmother instructs her to find her uncle who works for the King. I need to find a way to make that a little more clear.
Also the last line reads "Milka is desperate to free her grandmother."
Nancy I can't tell you how much your comments have helped steered me in the right direction. YAYYYY! I can truly say I learned a lot.
Hi T.K.,
ReplyDeleteI really like how you start us right in the action and with a sense of place in your first line. Immediately I could picture Milka swimming.
I did have to read the first few paragraphs twice though, because we know that she's racing Xander but then she tells us about a shadowy figure in the bushes. At first, I assumed that Xander was the shadowy figure, and that perhaps he was cheating during the race. I think we need to maybe ground the reader in Milka and Xander's race so that when the figure appears the reader knows for sure that this is a third and distinct character.
I also wonder if perhaps the banter between Milka and Xander can be tightened. It seems like Xander repeats himself a bit and I wonder if that space can be used to get a little closer to Milka.
It feels like at the end of the five pages, the reader is hit with two interesting new pieces of information:
1.) Milka should be able to do magic right now, but can't (hints at the novel's physical arc)
2.) Milka comes to this spot because it helps comfort her after her parents' death (hints at the novel's emotional arc)
Can we have a little more of this woven into the first five pages? For example, if Xander and Milka are going to have an easy back and forth about what Milka may have seen behind the bushes, then could Xander say something about the magic earlier?
For example, instead of “You're not still on about that noise are you? You and I both know there’s nothing there,” Xander might say something that hints at the problems to come. Perhaps, "You're not still on about that noise, are you? It doesn't take magic to see that nobody else is here."
I'm sure you can come up with something better - but I would look at each line of dialogue and make sure that it's necessary and/or moving the emotional or physical plot forward.
As far as the pitch, I'm a little concerned about the tone. When I first read it, it felt very contemporary YA to me.
When I read something like, "Of course it would’ve helped if they hadn’t appeared during the worst time EVER…" in my submissions inbox, I expect it to follow with something lighthearted about school or parents or what have you. "Worst. Day. EVER." is usually followed by something sarcastic to show how dramatic the character is being. The humor comes from the Worst. Day. Ever. not really being that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.
So when it was followed by, "the brutal invasion of her village and capture of her grandmother," I was definitely thrown off.
I'm not saying there's no room for humor in fantasy - there absolutely is! But I think the tone of the pitch is (unintentionally) downgrading the immediacy/drama of Milka's story. And reading the pitch alone makes it hard for an agent to figure out what the pages will sound like, because of the conflicting tone.
As always, this is just one opinion in a subjective business, but I hope this helps you as you revise!
Best,
Tracy Marchini
BookEnds Literary
Tracy you offer a WEALTH of insight here and I'm grateful, this is the first time my pitch has seen the light of day and it is awesome to know from an agent's perspective what I did wrong. The downgrading tone was definitely unintentional and I did wonder about that first line sounding contemporary. Will definitely incorporate your suggestions for my revision.
ReplyDeletePertaining to my first couple pages, your comments are duly noted and appreciated.
T.K.
I'm not sure what I can add that hasn't been said, but you've come such a long way! I concur with what others have said about the pitch. I think you might be trying to fit too much in when all we need is the inciting incident, a bit of world building, and what happens after that makes the stakes higher.
ReplyDeleteAs for the text, you've come a long way! I stumbled in the first few paragraphs. I don't know if it was the commas or the sentence structure on occasion. A couple things felt repetitive, like the breathing and the toad rock. Overall, I would add more internalization so we connect more with what she's feeling, the universality of being inadequate, etc.
Nice job! Good luck with everything, TJ!
Oh you've added a lot!
DeleteThanks so much Heather. I had pretty good mentors :)
The pitch seems a fail but all things considered, I leave this workshop in a much better place with a clearer understanding of the things needed to give my manuscript a fighting chance.
Thanks again.