Sunday, October 2, 2016

1st 5 Pages October Workshop - DLE

Name: DLE
Genre: Middle Grade Contemporary, with magical realism
Title: Harvey the Bedazzler

It’s weird to go to a stranger’s funeral, especially when it’s your grandfather’s. But there we were, headed to Amelia Island to “pay our respects” to a man I’d only seen once when I was a baby and again when I was five. Pay our respects…what a weird thing for Dad to say, seeing as how he didn’t seem to respect Grandpa Harvey all that much.

At first I’d begged Mom to let me stay home. I mean, I barely knew my grandfather, and I’d planned my first week of summer already. It was opening week for the neighborhood pool and my only chance to win back my former best friend, Jenna.

But Mom wouldn’t understand, so I’d reminded her about the mile-long seventh grade gifted summer reading list and how she’d forgotten to get the books from the library. It would take an average of 19.5 pages each day, including weekends, to finish before school started again, and I had to get to the library pronto.

But she’d said, “Forget it, Sydney. We’re not leaving an eleven-year-old girl home alone while the rest of us go to Florida.” When I reminded her I’d be twelve in thirty-seven days, she gave me a disappointed look like I should be ashamed for trying to get out of going to my grandfather’s funeral.
           
She was right. I was a horrible person.

At least she let me sit up front with Dad so my younger brother and I were separated for the almost six-hour drive from Atlanta to Amelia. Will had a way of getting on my last nerve, and according to my parents, I had a way of making him pitch an annoying fit. This seating chart was much quieter.

I shifted in my seat, trying to see Dad’s expression. He hadn’t said much since he’d gotten the call from Uncle Bennett saying Grandpa Harvey had died in his sleep of a brain aneurysm. Mom told me that’s when one of the arteries in the brain ruptures and causes a stroke. She said some people can survive a brain aneurysm and a stroke if they get help right away, but Grandpa Harvey had been alone.

I leaned against the headrest and stared out the window while Dad thumped the steering wheel to the beat of the song playing on the radio.  In the side mirror I could see Will with his head on mom’s lap. She stroked his hair like a mama baboon. Her nine-year-old, two-ton baby.

“Did you pack your bathing suit?” Dad asked.

“What?” I shook my foot. It had fallen asleep and felt as heavy as a backpack full of rocks.

“Your swimsuit,” he said. “You can’t be this close to the Atlantic Ocean and not get in.” 

But this wasn’t a vacation. “I didn’t bring it,” I said. I waited for him to make a suggestion. No problem, we’ll pick something up at Walmart. Or You can swim in your shorts. He was always loaded with solutions. He taught college calculus and other you’d better be really smart math classes. Solving things was his job.

But he looked straight ahead at the road.

“There’s always skinny dipping,” I said, trying to be funny.

“You could do that,” he said, straight-faced like he hadn’t really heard me.

What was it like to have your dad die? I wondered. It had to be sad. I should be sad. But it’d been so long since I’d seen Grandpa Harvey. Six years to be exact.

Dad propped his elbow on the door and his pointer finger rested on his lips. The conversation vault was locked so I fluffed my pillow and leaned against it as the mile markers went by.

“He loved the ocean.”

“What?” I sat up. “Who?”

“Your grandfather,” he said softly. “The ocean, traveling, and telling stories,” he added. “Only not in that order. Storytelling was definitely an obsession.”

“Stories?” I leaned in closer. This was good—Dad was going to tell me about Grandpa Harvey. I’d get to know him just in time to miss him, but still, it was something. 
           
“We ate it up, too,” Dad said, still staring at the road. “Bennett and I would wait for him to come home from being out of town, working who knows where. Mom would fix him something to eat and we’d all sit at the table, ready to hear about the bear he’d wrestled, or the bank robbery he’d foiled, or how he’d saved a bunch of people from a burning building.”

Why didn’t I know this? Grandpa Harvey was a hero. This was exactly what I needed—stories to impress Jenna and the other middle table people in the cafeteria once school started again. It’d be good-bye to hiding behind a book and hello to saying something that was actually interesting.

“People would even stop him on the street,” Dad said. “‘What do you have for us today, Harvey?’ they’d ask, wanting to hear one of his tales.” Dad paused. He had a faraway look like he was back in time. “It was all so—” His forehead wrinkled.

“Awesome?” I asked. “Exciting?”

Dad turned to me. “I was going to say embarrassing.”

“Oh.”

“He’d made it all up,” Dad said. “Lies. Stories to make himself seem big—important.”

My heart ached for Dad. And maybe a little for me. But it’s not like I’d ever be brave enough to tell a story at lunch in the seventh grade. Or ever.

“You and Will never have to worry about that, okay?” Dad said.

“Okay.”

“The whole truth and nothing but the truth,” he said, raising his right hand off the steering wheel. “With me, what you see is what you get.” He pushed the scan button until he found a sports talk station. 

I nodded. The problem was, what I saw, I didn’t get. Not anymore. He’d been different the past few months; I just couldn’t put my finger on what it was.

We passed a highway sign telling us there were only 30 more miles to Amelia and the only thing standing in our way was a huge four-lane bridge. It stretched for miles over the Intracoastal Waterway.            

Mom and Will were sacked out in the back, their mouths wide open. They looked like twins, thirty years apart.

People said I resembled my dad. I didn’t see it, especially now that he’d grown THE BEARD. It scratched my face when I hugged him and Mom hated it. Maybe she was right. Maybe he’d grown it like a fence, to keep others out. That’s what she told my aunt anyway, in a conversation I wasn’t invited to.

“Stay right on A1A,” the GPS lady said once we reached solid ground again. Dad turned up his phone. It was probably so he wouldn’t miss any important details. Grandpa Harvey had retired on the island and Dad hadn’t been there any more often than I had. My dad was super smart, but sometimes he accidentally took the long way to places.

“In five miles, turn left at Sand Dollar Avenue,” the lady navigator said, waking Mom and my brother.

“Can we take a dolphin cruise?” Will asked as we passed a billboard advertising them.

Okay, if he was getting a dolphin cruise, I was going to ask for a side trip to Disney World. It was only 175 miles from here. I’d looked it up before we left home.

9 comments:

  1. Ooo, nice! I already know so much about your story in just the first two paragraphs. Love the goal of winning back the BFF. Diggin’ how sassy the protag is.

    “She was right. I was a horrible person.” Fantastic line.

    “…backpack full off rocks.” Great description.

    Ahhh, I’m not a fan of beards either! I’ve totally connected with the protag. :D

    More pages, please!

    Great job on balancing narrative, action, and dialogue. I was drawn right into these pages. The voice felt MG authentic.

    I definitely sympathized for the Dad, and I’m so curious about the Grandfather.

    My only real issue—and it’s totally a personal preference—is that I didn’t really get a feel for the magical realism. I’m guessing it has something to do with the Grandfather’s stories, but if it is, it could be a bit more obvious. Maybe weave that in a little more?

    Overall, loved it!

    I can’t wait to read the pitch!

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  2. DLE,

    I totally dig Sydney’s personality! She seems like a real go-getter, and quite independent!

    I was super concerned my status with friends at twelve, so Sydney’s thoughts about Jenna were very relatable to me! I do love this addition and I think this excerpt could benefit from having more of Sydney’s reactions/speech and inner dialogue influenced by this fallout. For instance, Sydney seems to forget all about her friendship issues when they get to the car and drive. Perhaps she truly is interested in her grandpa, but would she be the kind of kid that would be reluctant to talk to her parents when they dealt a blow to her social life? She clearly doesn’t want to come, and while she was guilt tripped into accepting, is she really okay with this? Of course her opinion of this trip can change as she talks to her dad and gets curious about grandpa!

    On the subject of parents- do they know about the fallout between Sydney and Jenna? At the moment, it seems like Sydney keeps her social life secret from her parents, and her parents don’t care. I’d like to know the dynamic between them; are her parents genuinely uninterested, or have too much on their plates to notice, or is Sydney the one who decided to no longer talk to them about this kind of stuff?

    It’d be cool to know if Sydney ended up bringing her reading list with her on the trip (because she seems like an achiever, I feel like she may have brought at least a few books with her. Which ones? Any favourite genres? That would give us more clues as to the type of girl she is! You could also use this book choice as a method of foreshadowing any fantastic elements she will encounter later!)

    I love how there is a parallel between Sydney who wants to impress her friends with stories, and Grandpa Harvey who wanted to impress those around him with stories!

    Just a few nit-picky things:

    First, Mom and Will disappear from the story once they get to the car- perhaps have Sydney mention they’re asleep before she has the conversation with her dad instead of at the end (referring to the line “Mom and Will were sacked out in the back, their mouths wide open”).

    When she says “I shifted in my seat, trying to see Dad’s expression”- what exactly made Sydney want to look at him? There doesn’t seem to be any reason after the line “This seating chart was much quieter”. How does he draw her attention? I do love how distracted Dad is while driving!

    Karen makes a good point about the lack of magical realism. You don’t need to put a whole paragraph or change the scene, but just a little phrase or hint would be enough to get us excited for what’s to come.

    Finally, and this may just be me, but when I read “What was it like to have your dad die?” it kind of sounded like she was thinking about her dad dying, not her dad’s reaction to her grandpa dying. This may be on purpose, but just letting you know what I first thought of when I read it.

    I really did enjoy reading your work, so don’t take this block of comments as a negative thing, I just get excited when I make comments! Can’t wait to see what your next revision will look like!

    Also, high five for funeral related opening lines :)

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  3. What an enjoyable read! I like the contrast in the first line with the stranger’s funeral and the stranger being the grandfather. Though, the word ‘weird’ doesn’t feel quite right; perhaps “It’s a strange feeling” could work. Weird reads a little flippant, and what follows seems more serious. Also, weird is used again in the first paragraph and didn’t feel quite enough like it was a deliberate echo to be used again so soon.

    Since first pages have a lot of heavy lifting, it might be a good idea to work in who “we” is (But there we were). It could be simply, But there we were, my parents and brother and me, headed to… You have the chance to set the stage early, so every word counts.

    For “Mom couldn’t understand,” perhaps: “Mom refused to understand.” I’m assuming Mom is coming from a decisive place here vs actual confusion of not understanding what the character is asking.

    >>>I shifted in my seat, trying to see Dad’s expression. He hadn’t said much since he’d gotten the call from Uncle Bennett saying Grandpa Harvey had died in his sleep of a brain aneurysm. Mom told me that’s when one of the arteries in the brain ruptures and causes a stroke. She said some people can survive a brain aneurysm and a stroke if they get help right away, but Grandpa Harvey had been alone.

    These lines here are compelling; I think they could work well as the second paragraph, clarifying that the seat is the in the car and they are driving to Florida. Then to follow, you can add in how Sydney feels like a horrible person for wanting to go to the neighborhood pool and be with her friends. You first establish the setting and surroundings, then you can get into more of the internal thoughts and reflection. It gives us a chance to care about the situation too, knowing what happened to the grandfather.

    I’m not sure the lines about the bathing suit add much here, though I do like the context of dad being loaded with solutions. You could show Dad staring out the window, Will & Mom viewed in the side mirror, and move to Dad saying “he loved the ocean.” This keeps pages a bit more focused. Sydney could ponder for a line or so to herself about wondering if she should have packed a swim suit, then the dad says the ocean line. These are all just suggestions to consider the flow of the story.

    I’m guessing you’re hinting at the magical realism aspect with grandpa’s tall tales. I love how you show Dad confessing that hearing the tales were embarrassing. Maybe to solidify a stronger hint at the magical realism, there could be a counterpoint from Mom like, “His stories were enchanting! People believed XYZ…” with some hint of context about the magical element of the stories (assuming that fits with what you’re doing). Just a small foreshadowing of what’s to come.

    I’m curious to see your revisions! Look for patterns in feedback, and if anything feels not right for your story, go with your gut.

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  4. Amazing job peppering description as you go! It reads very naturally and flows so well, while both informing me of the story and creating intrigue on what’s going to happen next.

    I liked the small mention of Jenna. It hints to future conflict.

    “In the side mirror I could see Will with his head on mom’s lap. She stroked his hair like a mama baboon. Her nine-year-old, two-ton baby.” Love these lines! It paints a very clear picture. Makes it easy to be able to step into Sydney’s shoes and relate to her.

    Definitely don’t get the sense of magical realism, so if it’s going to play a major role, it should probably be mentioned in the first five pages. As others have mentioned, we can assume it relates to her Grandpa, so maybe have her had make an allusion to it.

    I enjoyed the contrast of her father and grandfather, and how Sydney overheard other talking about how he’s changed.

    Really looking forward to the pitch and see more of the story arc!

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  5. Hi, DLE!

    Getting late, so all I'm going to say right now is, Wow. I mean, really, WOW. This is an extremely polished sample, and an exemplar of engaging and consistent first person POV.

    I'll be back tomorrow with my impressions, but I fear I will have few quibbles.

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  6. Hi DLE,

    Thanks so much for sharing your pages with us! There's so much I really like in what you submitted! Here are my thoughts:

    Writing: Your prose is really tight and descriptive. Smooth, without many hiccups at all. There's not too much more to say on that front other than keep up the good work!

    VOICE: You've written an engaging, authentic voice for Sydney that I found so appealing. It ranges from funny to pensive and is always fresh and spirited. Some of the little details are spot-on. I loved "It would take an average of 19.5 pages each day, including weekends, to finish before school started again..."; "It’s weird to go to a stranger’s funeral, especially when it’s your grandfather’s."; "Okay, if he was getting a dolphin cruise, I was going to ask for a side trip to Disney World. It was only 175 miles from here. I’d looked it up before we left home." All really strong lines!

    PLOT: I'm intrigued by where the story seems to be going. I like the mysterious, questionably-larger-than-life grandfather and I want to learn more about him -- I assume that's where the story will take us. But in any event, it hooks me pretty quickly.

    NARRATIVE: Here's where I think you may have an opportunity to polish things up. Your first 7 or 8 paragraphs (right up to "Did you pack your bathing suit?") are all telling and no showing. There's no dialogue or action -- just Sydney setting us up for the story. Some of that is necessary, of course, but I'd look for what bits of that information you can relate through some carefully crafted dialogue or maybe sprinkle throughout the first five pages a little more broadly. It'll help your pacing up front, I think. Don't feel like you have to get all the backstory out there before you can get into the main plot line or action. A little mystery isn't a bad thing.

    Here's an example of an opportunity to show, not tell.

    "But she’d said, “Forget it, Sydney. We’re not leaving an eleven-year-old girl home alone while the rest of us go to Florida.” When I reminded her I’d be twelve in thirty-seven days, she gave me a disappointed look like I should be ashamed for trying to get out of going to my grandfather’s funeral.

    She was right. I was a horrible person."

    We learn a lot of important stuff in that paragraph and we get a great glimpse into Sydney's character, but it's all happening in the past. I'd think about having Mom and Sydney actually have this exchange in the car -- modified, of course, since she's no longer at home. Also, the line where you share Syd's age feels a little contrived -- in dialogue it might be more natural (e.g., Sydney: "I wish I could have stayed home." Mom: "You're eleven." Sydney: I'll be twelve in thirty-seven days!")

    Bottom line: I think you've done a really good job with these pages. Find a way to address those opening paragraphs and they'll be even stronger.

    Oh and one other thing I thought I'd mention: I know some of the readers have commented that they'd like to see some sense of magical realism in the first 5 pages -- I wouldn't worry about that. Sydney is still in the "normal" world as she travels to Amelia Island. Any magical elements will come in due time, I'm sure, once she learns more about her grandfather.

    I'm excited to see the next round!

    All best,
    Rob, 1st 5 Pages mentor

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  7. Hey again, DLE!

    I'm going to be reduced to line-editing to come up with any suggestions on these sample pages, and even there the pickings will be lean. Each time I reread your opening, I'm more impressed. Sydney comes alive for me from paragraph one and shows herself to be a true descendent of bedazzling Harvey in her ability to tell a story that rivets the listener.

    I hope part of the magical realism of the novel will be the appearance of Harvey in the flesh, um, or at least ectoplasm, um, or maybe better just in spirit, less messy. I want to meet this guy, who has me picturing the Ancient Mariner transfixing a Wedding Guest, except without quite so long a beard if any and proper Florida-senior costuming. If he was originally from Rhode Island, he'd certainly wear black midcalf socks with sandals and hold forth from a lawn chair of the old-fashioned webbing sort. But that's just my bedazzled vision. I wouldn't be surprised if your Harvey couldn't assume many personae, as suited his purposes.

    Sydney has her doubts about how much she resembles her father since the advent of the Beard. Nevertheless, she's his girl. He's a math professor and a finder of solutions. Sydney, too, is precise about her reckonings and expresses them in numbers: It'll take 19.5 pages a day, seven days a week, if she's going to get through her summer reading list. Not 19. Not around 20. 19 point 5. She knows it's 37 days to her twelfth birthday. Not a month, 37 days. She knows just how far Disney World is from Amelia Island: 175 miles. She was prepared -- she looked it up before the drive. She's a good solution finder, too. She doesn't need Dad to solve the dilemma of the left-behind bathing suit -- they can grab one at Walmart or she can wear her shorts or (attempted poke at Dad) she can skinny dip. She may have figured out the most peaceful seating chart for the trip, because Mom "lets" her sit in front with Dad, as if it was Sydney's suggestion.

    Nor is Dad naturally less sensitive to the lure of story than book-devouring Sydney -- he was one of Harvey's most avid auditors back in the day. Even now he liable to take the long way to destinations if he doesn't listen to the oracles of the GPS lady. Then something happened. Dad began to view the Bedazzler as a mere liar, a self-aggrandizer. He lost his respect for Harvey. He determined to be the opposite, a paragon of the whole truth, of absolute transparency. He'd tell no tales. He'd deal in hard facts -- hard numbers.

    But is truth that simple? Keen Sydney knows it's not, because she senses Dad isn't what he seems anymore. The matter-of-fact persona's a front, a mask. He's changed. He's grown the Beard, emblematic of erecting a fence to keep people at a distance, Mom thinks. Sydney herself knows about personal protective barriers -- she uses a book at the school cafeteria lunch table. After all, it's not like she has anything interesting to say. Not, the reader assumes, like Jenna and her new crowd, Jenna who's no longer Sydney's best friend.

    I have the sense the changed-Dad problem, the Jenna-problem, and Sydney's low self-confidence problem (paired as it often is with actual high abilities) will braid into a strong cord to guide and entice the reader through Sydney's (and Harvey's) story. The opening leaves me eager to follow that cord as it unravels and reknits and Harvey in whatever form arrives to bedazzle.

    (continued below)


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  8. At first I wondered why we don't get any description of the country the characters drive through, especially once they reach Amelia Island, but that was more my own first instinct to establish setting with vivid detail than anything the story needs. Right now Sydney is focused on people, not scenery -- her world's the interior of the car, its passengers, especially Dad and the still-vague ghost of Harvey. So yeah, let's skip the travelogue.

    Mom and Will are asleep in the back seat until the very end of the sample, and why not? They're unnecessary to the immediate action and interaction. Again, at first, I wondered whether the ongoing sibling conflict between Sydney and Will wasn't a bit pat, but it's really too early in the fictive web to decide that. Mom and Will get enough mention to establish them as (currently) supporting players, not so much they get in the way. And that's a nice bit, how Sydney describes them as twins thirty years apart. Mom and Will are an intrafamilial dyad, as she and Dad are another.

    Okay, that leaves me with this: Maybe Sydney should call their respective positions in the car a seating "arrangement" rather than a seating "chart."

    I'm not an agent, but if I played one on TV, you pairing this sample with a killer query letter would have me requesting a full. Looking forward to seeing your pitch!

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  9. Thanks, All!

    I really appreciate you taking the time to read, ponder, and comment. Each of you have given me much to consider and work on as I revise these pages!

    I had cut the first 30 pages of my original beginning and didn't know where to turn for more revision, so your comments are very helpful!

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