Sunday, October 9, 2016

1st 5 Pages October Workshop - Cruz Rev 1

Name: Erik Cruz
Genre: Young Adult Historical
Title: Bloody Trails

5 Outubro 1474

“Gaspar, behind you,” Simão yells. “Around your feet.”

Instinctively, I withdraw my colhona from its wooden scabbard and wildly swing it downwards. Glancing at the muddy ground, I see a black-and-yellow snake slashed in half. With a smirk, I run my fingers over its rough scales. “I’ve always wanted to feel their skin.”

“What’s wrong with you, boy? That spitting cobra could have poisoned you.”

Anything in this jungle could kill me.” Staring at the snake’s blood on my blade, I wipe it against the side of my green-doublet before stashing it in the sheath at my hip.

“Keep being reckless and it’ll happen,” he replies.

When I left the peaceful Açores ten months ago, my family, friends and neighbors warned me these jungles would bring me closer to Saint Peter. They heard the Gold Coast holds deadly beasts and diseases, poisonous man-eating plants and spear-wielding natives. Without fail, I smiled and responded, But there’s gold waiting for me. Don’t worry, I have my gun and sword to protect me.

Still in one piece, I march toward the sparkling waterfall twenty feet away. How badly I want to go under it, close my eyes and feel the soothing water rush over my filthy brown hair. But I can’t, because I need to stay vigilant. For all I know, there’s a crocodile or hippo lurking nearby. My swollen legs carry me forward until I spot numerous pink round-petalled flowers containing melegueta pepper, the spice that fuels Fernão Gomes’s Gold Coast trade. I stop briefly and snatch five of the bright red pods, stashing them in my bag along with some gold and red hog ivory tusks.

We continue our trek past the thick evergreen canarium trees, ripe with brown and purple fruits reminiscent of grapes—though slightly bigger. I can’t help but reach for one.

“Every single time,” Simão says, swatting it from my hands. “We don’t know if they’re poisonous.”

“Only one way to find out,” I respond, grinning, much to his displeasure. I kneel over the water's edge, splash some of that clear water on my murky tanned face and refill my canteen. Before rising from the ground, I inspect my matchlock’s slow match and discover it’s been extinguished yet again. I put the strap of the gun over my shoulder, fully knowing I can only rely on my colhona.

“We’re lost, aren’t we?” I ask, standing alongside him.

“What do you think?” he responds, glaring at me. Noticing my smile, he adds, “Stop enjoying this.” Even after five months of exploring with him, I’m not used to that fatherly tone of his. Pai died eight years ago, so my ears barely remember it. I suppose Simão can’t help it. I’m fifteen, the same age as his daughter back in Lisboa.

I chuckle before replying, “I can stop smiling, but I can’t stop relishing this moment. We are standing in lush jungles hearing the parrots’ caws and the buffaloes’ bellows.”

“Who cares about the dumb animals? We’re carrying tainted treasures. We gotta get back to camp soon. We’ll be in trouble with the captain if Fernão asks him questions.”

“It’ll be fine. We’re only keeping a small amount of the riches for ourselves. Fernão must be glad we volunteer to trek the jungles for gold. It shows him he has sailors who gladly explore on foot so deep into the uncharted.”

“What if he finds out?” 

“They probably wouldn’t flog us. They might just toss us overboard,” I respond to the sweaty, nervous man in front of me. Why is he so concerned? I’m the child of New Christians. My head would be the first to roll, probably sparing his in the process. “Fernão doesn’t know us, and Captain Pêro de Sintra probably thinks too little of us. Never would he imagine that we keep even a single gold pebble, much less one-tenth of the haul. Stop worrying.”

The brown-haired, stern-faced Simão Rodrigues walks up to me, snatches my canteen and takes a swig from it. “You’re crazy. I can’t believe I let you talk me into this. After years of honorably sailing for King Afonso V, I’m stealing from him.”

“Don’t think of it as stealing. Instead see it as a small fee for the dangerous work we do for the Português Crown.”

He fights it, but can’t help but smile. “Gaspar, how do you come up with responses so fast?”

“Well, I’m used to everyone disagreeing with me, so I’ve learned to answer criticism. It comes naturally now,” I respond, chuckling. Seeing as how Simão is in a good mood, I know it’s the best time to ask about trekking further. “Should we go deeper along the river basin?”

“No. Stop being insane. We barely have enough food to last the trip back. It’s been four days since we left our ship in Cape Coast. Do I need to remind you our supplies never last more than a week? I know we didn’t get as much treasure this time, but that doesn’t mean we act stupid.”

Ah, another tongue-lashing from the experienced sailor. I should probably listen more carefully to him. “Fine. How far do you think we are from camp?”  

“Close to fourteen leagues,” he replies, looking up at the sky, as if seeking heavenly guidance. 

“We can do that in two days.”

“We gotta backtrack and hope to God we come across a familiar area. The farther away from the Cape Coast beaches, the better the chances of running into trouble.”

Our country has strong trade relations with the Akan-speaking clans near the beaches, particularly the Fante tribe. This connection was forged the moment our explorers landed here three years ago. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said of our dealings with other tribes further in land. What separates the Akan from others is that they have an appreciation for gold and use it as their currency. Anything and anyone can be bought for the right price, be it in Europe or Africa, really.

So far in the time I’ve spent in the Gold Coast, I’ve been lucky not to have encountered hostile natives. During our excursions—which always consist of only Simão and myself—we stay close to the gold-rich riverbanks. This tactic not only helps us in acquiring treasures but also keeps our sight clear of the towering, and view-obstructing, ebony, cedar and mahogany trees. We only veer off if we see unnatural clumps of mud or other house materials used by the natives. 

“If only we had a useful dry compass. It would make it easier to map out these parts. Simão, you do know why they don’t give us one, right?”

“It’s damn expensive. They don’t supply them to every crewmember—”

I couldn’t help but interrupt him. “They’re considered valuable…unlike us lowly explorers. We’re instantly discarded the moment we die, just as I replaced that page ten months ago, after he died of dysentery. No one mourns him, or even mentions the name of that poor sailor-in-training who never had the opportunity to be promoted.” One glance at the clenched teeth and reddening cheeks of my brown-bearded accomplice warns me of what’s to come, although it hardly helps me avoid it.

“Shut up, Gaspar. I’m trying to get us back to Cape Coast. Keep your annoying mouth shut and I’ll take you back.” He angrily clutches his wooden crucifix and continues his rant. “I swear on His cross, keep chirping and I’ll leave you behind in the jungle.”

9 comments:

  1. Hi Erik,

    Excellent work diving into the action from line one. Definitely drew me in right away.

    The backstory paragraph about the protag leaving home ten months ago is in the perfect place now--reads organically in the narrative.

    Really love this line: "We continue our trek past the thick evergreen canarium trees, ripe with brown and purple fruits reminiscent of grapes—though slightly bigger. I can’t help but reach for one." Sets the scene well, and I feel like I'm there.

    Great job showing the protag's personality. I get a much clearer picture of him in the revision.

    The pages flowed so smoothly. Nice work!

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  2. Hi Erik,

    I love the new beginning - “Gaspar, behind you,” Simão yells. “Around your feet.”
    Instinctively, I withdraw my colhona from its wooden scabbard and wildly swing it downwards. Glancing at the muddy ground, I see a black-and-yellow snake slashed in half.

    Should this be in quotations? Don’t worry, I have my gun and sword to protect me.

    “Close to fourteen leagues,” he replies, looking up at the sky, as if seeking heavenly guidance.
    “We can do that in two days. - Nice hint at what fourteen leagues represent.

    You describe colors of hair and beard and I'm not sure that's necessary.

    I understand your characters, goals, and stakes much more clearly with this revision.

    Nice job!

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  3. Wow, Erik, what a revision! You’ve done a fabulous job giving us a bit more information – his age, a bit of his back story, the relationship between the two – that provides the context the reader needs.

    The dialogue fees very contemporary for a historic piece – especially slang words like gotta. I also think you rely too much on dialogue in these pages, which in turn makes it a bit forced. For example, if this - It’s been four days since we left our ship in Cape Coast. Do I need to remind you our supplies never last more than a week? I know we didn’t get as much treasure this time, but that doesn’t mean we act stupid.”- was told in narrative, it wouldn’t feel so much like an info dump.

    I also think you could show more emotion. Simão, we know, is nervous at times – how is Gaspar feeling? He’s excited to travel further, but why? Is he nervous about the uncharted territory? Hoping to find riches? In this passage, it’s a perfect chance for you to show us what he’s thinking, how he’s feeling: So far in the time I’ve spent in the Gold Coast, I’ve been lucky not to have encountered hostile natives. During our excursions—which always consist of only Simão and myself—we stay close to the gold-rich riverbanks. This tactic not only helps us in acquiring treasures but also keeps our sight clear of the towering, and view-obstructing, ebony, cedar and mahogany trees. We only veer off if we see unnatural clumps of mud or other house materials used by the natives.

    You do a good job of giving us information while showing emotion in this passage – I’d suggest trying to do this more: I couldn’t help but interrupt him. “They’re considered valuable…unlike us lowly explorers. We’re instantly discarded the moment we die, just as I replaced that page ten months ago, after he died of dysentery. No one mourns him, or even mentions the name of that poor sailor-in-training who never had the opportunity to be promoted.” One glance at the clenched teeth and reddening cheeks of my brown-bearded accomplice warns me of what’s to come, although it hardly helps me avoid it.

    In general, there’s still too much showing. For example, rather than - I respond to the sweaty, nervous man in front of me – if you rephrase it something like this – you are showing us the emotions, which pulls the reader into the story more than telling us.

    “What if he finds out?” Simão asked, a slight quaver in his voice.

    Why is he so concerned? I’m the child of New Christians. My head would be the first to roll, probably sparing his in the process. “They probably wouldn’t flog us. They might just toss us overboard. Besides, Fernão doesn’t know us, and Captain Pêro de Sintra probably thinks too little of us. Never would he imagine that we keep even a single gold pebble, much less one-tenth of the haul. Stop worrying.”

    Simão pushes his brown hair off of his forehead, his expression stern as he snatches my canteen and takes a swig from it. “You’re crazy. I can’t believe I let you talk me into this. After years of honorably sailing for King Afonso V, I’m stealing from him.”

    Try to let the reader see how the character is feeling, what they are thinking, with interior thoughts, gestures, etc., and I know you can really pull the reader into this story! You already have so much going for you - an interesting historical time period, a lush setting, and danger surrounding them – I can’t wait to read what you do this!

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  4. Hi Erik!

    The changes you made in your revision are excellent- great job adding in more detail without sacrificing intrigue and story!
    I like how you introduced the weaponry more naturally into the story- the colhona with its scabbard. I love the introduction of the matchlock’s slow match (I don’t think that was in the last draft). I also like the mention that this gun in unreliable at best- so true! I would however tell the reader what the slow match does/where it’s situated. From the story we can’t tell he has it strapped to his wrist. Also why was the match lit the entire time they were exploring? Isn’t that hazardous? I thought they remained lit only during combat. Also how big is the matchlock? Is it a pistol or rifle (trying to picture the size- ‘gun’ is vague)?

    I love the attention to detail in the nature setting: the different trees, valuable plants (and the descriptions of them!), hippos and leopards. I noticed you didn’t mention any bugs- I’m just wondering if there are any weird ones he may have noticed!

    I’m a bit on the fence about when you describe Simao (“The brown-haired, stern-faced Simao…”). I like knowing what he looks like, but I feel as though you introduce his looks too late for them to fit the flow of the story. As they are right now, his description is a bit jarring.

    I like the additional details about the coast dwelling natives vs the inland ones- good stuff.

    Finally, I’m going to make one last argument for situating the Gold Coast geographically in the body of the text (i.e- say they’re in northern Africa), then I won’t mention it again :P Mainly, Gold Coast was the name of the British colony at the time, and currently the territory is called Ghana. The only modern day Gold Coast in the world (as I know) is in Australia, so this may spark some confusion. You may be planning to have a map situated in the cover of your book so your readers can reference it, but all items outside the story text are viewed by the average reader as a supplement, and some readers might only glance at it once. This will open your work to a wider range of teens with varied geographical knowledge (and laziness).

    I agree with Erin about the lack of emotions felt by Gaspar. Gaspar could use a bit of an emotional journey throughout this scene. Simao is grumpy and afraid, and wants to go back- but Gaspar wants to keep enjoying the jungle and find treasure. Knowing what you know about Gaspar’s personality, how does Simao’s attitude make Gaspar react? Alternatively, do you have an emotion you need Gaspar to be feeling by the time the end of the scene rolls around? How will you take him there?

    Love your last line “keep chirping and I’ll leave you behind in the jungle”- that made me smile.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Michelle,

      I completely agree on the geography part. It’s definitely tricky placing it without using the current name, Ghana. Even the Gold Coast name wasn’t officially used by the Portuguese until 1482.

      I ended up placing more info about where the Gold Coast, Gulf of Guinea and the Azores/Açores are located in relation to the Lisbon later in the chapter. It didn’t flow naturally in the first 1250 words, so didn’t want to force it. Thanks for pointing it out, because I initialed had the information several chapters away, but you made me see that it would help to put it sooner.

      I’m so glad you’re a big fan of the time period. I really appreciate all the feedback!

      Delete
  5. Using this as your first paragraph would set us up a little and also not interrupt the flow of action you’ve created.

    When I left the peaceful Açores ten months ago, my family, friends and neighbors warned me . . .

    Use quotes even for something said in a flashback. “Don’t worry, I have my gun and sword to protect me.”

    Phrases like “Without fail” and later you use “For all I know” which feel out of place in this setting and time period.

    . . . black and yellow snake needs no hyphenation.


    Really like how you’ve incorporated the details of their surroundings and clothing into the action rather than telling us. Nice job!

    In this paragraph:
    “Only one way to find out,” I respond, grinning . . .
    It might be a good idea to have him briefly notice his reflection, because we normally wouldn’t talk about our murky, tanned face unless we could see it.

    Do we need to know this next paragraph right now?
    Our country has strong trade relations with the Akan-speaking clans near the beaches . . .
    It completely takes the reader out of the story and might be a great twist or turn when discovered later as we meet the natives who are either friendly or hostile. Or maybe they come across a spear stuck in a tree and they realize they’re in a certain territory and he responds internally. Suddenly, the stakes are raised.

    You’ve done so much with the edits so far!

    Happy writing for the next round,
    Brenda Drake, Author
    Heather Cashman, Agent Intern

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  6. Hi again, Erik!

    Some excellent changes here. I especially like the addition of a brief action sequence at the start of the sample, though as a spitting cobra fan (yes, we exist) I have a couple suggestions below for that part. I also like the deepening of Simao's relationship to Gaspar, via Gaspar's realization that Simao looks at him as a sort of surrogate son. This also gave you a great place to insert Gaspar's age, 15, as he notes to himself he's the same age as Gaspar's daughter back home. We were missing the age before, though he came across as a teenager.

    Like everyone else so far, you've gotten to the finer polishing stage, I think, so I'm going finer on my suggestions.

    The opening action: I guess your spitting cobra is the black-necked variety (Naja nigricollis), since this highly adaptable snake is found in many habitats, including the forests of Ghana. Coloration varies, but some specimens are indeed black, with a yellow underside. The most striking thing about any spitting cobra is that it spits, with high accuracy, at threatening creatures, generally aiming for the eyes. Venom in the eyes can cause permanent blindness; venom injected kills relatively few even untreated human victims (10% or less); venom on skin might irritate but would only be really dangerous in an open wound. So it could be cool if Gaspar's opening "insanity" was to push straight into a small clearing before checking it out. Simao coming behind could see a cobra basking in a sun patch, and Gaspar barging toward it. Cobra rears. Simao shouts. Gaspar sees his danger in time to shield his eyes with his arm. The venom hits his sleeve. The cobra takes off into the brush. Gaspar might unsheath his sword to follow and kill the snake for having the gall to try and blind him (and for its skin?), but of course Simao won't be having any of that.

    As is, I'm not quite visualizing how Gaspar gets so close to the cobra, and I'm not quite buying that a lucky (blind) slash kills it. Plus the cobra doesn't get to do its signature spit.

    Good insertion about exactly what spice and ivory the pair have been able to harvest -- hogs being a lot more likely than elephants!

    I'd change the bit where Gaspar picks a canarium fruit. He's already sufficiently annoyed Simao over the cobra and will soon be annoying him again. Maybe condense things like: "I stop briefly and snatch five of the bright red pods, stashing them in my bag alongside gold nuggets and red hog tusks. The purple and brown fruits of a canarium tree -- like grapes though bigger -- tempt me to take a taste, but I know better than to reach for one. Simao's yelled at me a dozen times that we don't know whether the fruit's poisonous. He doesn't accept my reasoning that there's only one way to find out!" Seguing into "I kneel over the water's edge..."

    "Murky tanned face." The word "murky" sounds off, as it's usually applied to unclear water or other liquid. Maybe dusky? Or even sun-burned? Which would explain why Gaspar splash water on his face, ah, the relief.

    Like the addition of Gaspar finding his match has gone out and not bothering to light it again.

    " 'We're lost, aren't we?' I ask, standing alongside him." Sounds a little off to me, maybe " 'We're lost, aren't we?' I ask, rejoining Simao."

    (continued below)

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  7. Paragraph starting " 'It'll be fine. We're only keeping..." Could be condensed, something like: " 'It'll be fine. We're only keeping a little of the haul for ourselves. Fernao should be glad anyone's willing to trek into these jungles, even for gold."

    Simao: " 'What if he finds out?' " Needs to be a little more specific, like " 'What if he finds out we're keeping some?' "

    Next paragraph, a little condensing. No need of Gaspar attribution (and too many repetitions of "responding/response" in this short excerpt for my ear): " 'They probably wouldn't flog us. They might just toss us overboard.' Why is Simao so nervous? I'm the child..."

    "The brown-haired, stern-faced Simao..." Brown hair is too common to waste a description on it, to my mind. The "stern-faced" could be expressed in the verb, as in "Simao Rodrigues stalks up to me."

    " 'Gaspar, how do you come up with responses so fast?' " Another "response," which sounds more formal that I expect from Simao. Instead " 'Gaspar, where do get your answers so fast?" or the like.

    Next paragraph: We don't need the attribution to Gaspar ("I respond, chuckling.") We can assume it's Gaspar answering Simao's question. Instead maybe: "...It comes naturally now.' I chuckle. Seeing as how..."

    Next paragraph, condense: Maybe like " 'No. We're four days out from the coast, and you should know by now our supplies never last more than a week. Just because we didn't find as much treasure this time doesn't mean we take stupid risks."

    " 'We gotta backtrack...' " Condense. Something like " 'As it is, we gotta hope to God we strike the same path on our way back. I don't like stumbling blind this far from the beaches.' "

    Next paragraph, Gaspar can insert the "Cape Coast" -- "...the Akan-speaking clans near the Cape Coast beaches." The specificity sounds more natural in narrative than dialogue.

    "During our excursions -- which always consist of only Simao and myself -- " I feel we already know pretty much who goes forest-side, so something like: "During our excursions, Simao and I stay close..."

    "...but also keeps our sight clear of the towering, and view-obstructing, ebony, cedar and mahogony trees." This sounds awkward to me. Also I'm thinking that keeping to the riverbank is probably the only way the explorers stay oriented, and the trees still obscure their vision into the forest, where dangers may lurk. Something like: "...but also keeps us from losing ourselves in the trackless forest. Besides, we don't like the darkness under the towering ebony and cedar and mahogany trees, where so much could hide. We only veer off into it..."

    " 'It's damn expensive." I think this would be enough reply from Simao, cut the rest of his line?

    (continued below)

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  8. Next paragraph: Instead of " 'We're instantly discarded the moment we die" maybe "We're instantly replaced the moment we die." Because we'd except a corpse to be discarded, whether reverently or not. Also, is the page the same person as the "poor sailor-in-training"? Unclear. And perhaps break the paragraph after " '...to be promoted.' " The next sentence could fit better as the start of the next one, Simao's response.

    A smoother way to describe Simao's brown beard might be something like: "Simao's clenched teeth showed white through his brown beard, his cheeks red." I don't feel we need the "...warns me of what's to come, although it hardly helps me avoid it." Delete, go straight into Simao's angry speech?

    A little condensation of the final paragraph (the angry speech)? Something like: " 'Gaspar, I'm trying to get us back to Cape Coast. Shut up or I swear -- ' He clutches his wooden crucifix and continues his rant. " -- I swear on His cross, keep chirping and I'll leave you behind in the jungle.' "

    This has been a really fun trip so far, well, for us readers and partly for Gaspar if not for Simao!

    Yours,
    Anne

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