Name: Romany HeartfordGenre: Middle Grade - HistoricalTitle: Devil’s Born
Query:
Query:
Deformed from birth, he is known as Devil’s born.
England 1562 and the superstitious people of Berwick blame the arrival of the plague on a 12 year old boy. Born with a disfigured face, his presence is considered a curse. Left with no other choice, he runs away to seek a cure, but wherever he goes, the accusations always follow.
In Scotland, he finds an apothecary with a reputation for miracles. Although in return for the promise of a remedy, he is ensnared in a plot against the Queen. If he is to have a chance of the normal life he longs for and of returning home, he must first convince the people of his innocence. Not an easy task, when you’re without friends and chained to a post in the castle dungeon.
Chapter 1
The possibility
Berwick 1562
As dusk fell on the town of Berwick, Will watched his shadow spread across the path. For the first time, he noticed how it’d grown to near enough the length of his father’s. Pausing, to slide a hand inside his cloak, he raked his fingernails where the sweat had gathered.
“Get a move on;” his father jerked his head forward.
“Get a move on;” his father jerked his head forward.
Will nodded and they hurried on, passing the closed doors of the feather shop and the fishmonger’s. Round the corner, his stomach rumbled at the sight of a figure in the baker’s window kneading dough.
“I’m hungry,” he said.
“I’ve got a wife to nag me, and her mother too.” His father replied, eyeing the crowd up ahead, as it gathered outside the tavern: “I’ll not be pestered by you as well, boy.”
“But can’t we just stop for some food…”
“Enough, I said. Your brother is sick and needs this.” His father’s fingers went to his belt, feeling for the weight of the medicine bottle. “You can eat when we get home.”
Footsteps fell on the cobbles behind them, and to the side, in a stream of people heading for the noise and smoke of the tavern. A few raised their hands in greeting and Will pulled at his cloak, checking the hood still concealed his face.
“Are you coming in for a quick one, John?” A man reached out his hand, skin roughened and red, to clasp his father on the shoulder. And lowering his voice, he said: “You’ve heard about the Queen – I dare say?”
“No, I’ve been at work all day. What are they saying now?”
Will scuffed his foot over the ground; it was all right for his father to stop for a chat but a different matter when he wanted to. And he tried not to listen as his father leant in to have the tittle-tattle poured into his ear. Whatever the Queen was up to, it made no difference to him.
He lifted his head when the pitch of his father’s voice cut through the other noise:
“God’s tooth. We’ll have another Protestant on the throne if she doesn’t get a move on.”
“Come John, let’s have that drink.”
“Oh, I wish that I could,” his father shook his head and Will closed his eyes to stop himself from rolling them. “But Jo’s sick at home.”
“Oh. I thought that that was Jo.” The man turned towards Will, his face growing a shade of red to match his hands, as he tried to peer within the hood. Will’s mouth dried. People always wanted to see and yet they didn’t want to see. “You mean,” the man lowered his voice, “that’s the one they call…”
“Yes, that’s William. Come on now son, your mother will be wondering where we are.”
The man fell back and was watching them still, when Will glanced over his shoulder.
“Father? He’s staring…”
“What Henry? That old gossip! You’ve nothing to fear from him, boy. Just keep your head down and people will take no notice of you.” They threaded through a dark passage into the next street, leaving the sounds of drinking and chin-wagging from the tavern behind. “We’ll be safe in our beds, before we know it.”
It grew hot and sticky under the cloak and Will rolled his shoulders back and forth, trying to relieve the itch. When nothing he did gave any relief and with his father’s gaze set in the distance, he lowered the folds of the hood. His lips parted in a sigh as a trickle of air darted about his face.
Night’s darkness thickened, until even moonlight was shut out in places where the overhanging rooftops of opposite houses touched. The street was empty now of the pedlars and market stalls that lined it during daylight hours. Will’s stomach growled at the thought of his favourite pie stall and of sinking his teeth through a crust of buttered pastry. They paused below the flame of the street-lamp so that his father could light the torch he’d been carrying.
“William Fletcher!”
He winced at the clip of his father’s hand against his good ear: “What did you do that for?”
“Get your hood up boy.”
“But it’s got dark and you said…”
“You think because there are people more nosey than they are spiteful - you can start showing yourself off?”
“No,” he swallowed and rubbed where his father had caught his ear. “Sorry.”
“Come on,” his father flicked his hand at the hood. “I never took you for a fool.”
Will dragged the thick wool back over his face, the weight of his heart growing heavier with it.
While rats squealed about their business in the midden-heap nearby, he chewed the inside of his cheek, knowing well why his father wanted him to hide his face. That didn’t stop him from hating the cloak, on a hot day. His hand crept under the hood to touch the web of ulcerated skin that distorted the left side of his face, stretching from his nose all the way to his ear hole. Devil’s born people called him. When the goodwife who birthed him had seen his deformity, she’d offered to drown him, as a favour to his mother.
“Watch out!”
A hiss of falling liquid accompanied the cry from the window above their heads.
“God’s tooth!” His father said.
Will leapt sideways but the day had slowed his wits and the contents of the chamber pot splattered over the ground, spraying his boots.
“Zounds!” He recoiled at the salty stench of urine.
“Now don’t look like that.” The previous sternness left his father’s face as he tried to suppress a chuckle. “It’s not so bad.”
“It is.” Warmth spread from the leather of his boots, to seep in between his toes. “It’s very bad.”
“It could have been worse.”
Will snorted.
“Think about it. There could have been floaters in there as well;” his father smiled. “Besides there’s some that say it’s good luck.”
“People say stupid things.”
Subconsciously, he passed his hand back inside the hood to prod the swelling that marked his face. Rough, red lumps and ridges prickled beneath his fingertips. Other people could worry about who would sit on the throne next or what church to go to on Sundays, while all he thought about was how to be rid of this disfigurement. Sensing his father’s raised eyebrow, he snatched his hand away.
“How can I live a normal life with this thing on my face? People hate me.”
“Self-pity’s never the answer.”
“What is then?”
“God will help you find it one day, son.”
“You think it’s possible…” Will’s throat tightened: “to remove this thing from my face.”
“Who am I to say what’s possible or not? Although Heaven knows we’ve tried…”
Despite having had these conversations before, he couldn’t help but raise his face up, hope swimming through his eyes.
And Will held his breath while his father shuffled his feet: “Look - your Aunt did mention an apothecary in her last letter. She seems to think he can perform miracles but,” he paused: “Now you listen to me boy, don’t get your hopes up.”
The church bell rang in the distance, tolling the hour of nine and his father began to hurry onward:
“Come on.” he said. “It’s late.”
Candle flames guttered over window sills, making dark shapes shift and sway along the path. And Will vowed to himself, his feet squelching in the blackness, that one day soon he would find his aunt’s apothecary, this miracle man, and make his face normal. When just before the turning to their road, his father pulled him to a stop.
His ears strained to catch the clatter of sound building behind them. A steady swell of horses’ hooves and the creak of a wheel.
“Pray to God, boy, that’s not what I think it is…”
Will felt the shudder run through his father’s body while he knelt on the cobbles, to roll the torch beneath his boot and extinguish their light. The beat of his heart pulsed at his throat while the approaching rumble grew to a thunderous pitch.
“Father?”
“Shhh. They’re coming.”
Romany, this is a really awesome! The descriptions are much more distinct and everything flows really well and I love the part about having another Protestant on the throne, it's definitly a great scene setting detail. (I'm assuming the Queen in question is Mary then? And Will's family is Catholic?)
ReplyDeleteReally, the only thing I'd say about this is to just read it aloud to catch any rough spots, and smooth everything out. I feel like you did a great job here.
I'll be back with input about your pitch, I just wanted to make sure you knew I really enjoyed this revision. :)
Nvmd, I looked it up, it's Elizabeth I. In that case, I'm a bit confused about what "We’ll have another Protestant on the throne if she doesn’t get a move on" means? It's also possible that it's late and I'm tired, hahaha.
DeleteAnyway. other than that slight confusion, I still love the line and thought this was really good. :D
Miriam - I'm so sorry - it's my mistake, not your tiredness! It's like when you find your car keys somewhere, you're sure you didn't put them, and yet there they are... I've put the wrong date. It should be 1554 - and it is Mary I on the throne. I'm glad you liked it. Thank you for alerting me to my heinous error - and for your other comments. On another (more sycophantic!) note - I am really enjoying 'City of a Thousand Dolls'. Romany
DeleteAwww, thank you! That makes me happy. :)
DeleteHonestly, I came back and looked at your pitch again, and I don't feel like I can add anything to what people already said. It's got good bones, it just needs to be a bit more streamlined and a little clearer.
Good luck!
Romany - I really like this. I like the topical references, things we learn about the setting and the characters from the bits of dialogue. The streets come off the page because of the encounters. The dialogue makes the characters pop. It seems real and it is very clear.
ReplyDeleteTwo things, first a personal preference, as a reader I would like to move more quickly and would trade less information - description - to get through the streets more quickly. I think the heart of this chapter is i the characters and their interaction.(If you asked me, I would say half as much information, but, like, you didn't ask, and I wouldn't ask either. It's just a personal preference I thought worth sharing, not really a criticism.)
And a question, does this information help your story at this point, "As dusk fell on the town of Berwick, Will watched his shadow spread across the path. For the first time, he noticed how it’d grown to near enough the length of his father’s. Pausing, to slide a hand inside his cloak, he raked his fingernails where the sweat had gathered."
Would you consider starting with: “Get a move on,” his father jerked his head forward.
It paints a very clear and economic picture of the situation. Unless name, place and height are crucial at this moment, I think most readers would prefer getting right into the story and discovering these other things as you go along.
Thanks for letting me read this and taking my comments.
Richard
Hi Richard - thanks so much for your comments throughout!
DeleteHi Romany,
ReplyDeleteThis has come a long way and you’ve done a great job. A few words about your pitch. I would suggest naming your main character in this query because we need to know who he is.
Born with a disfigured face, twelve-year-old Will is known as Devil’s Born.
And to the superstitious people of Berwick in 1562 England, he is considered cursed, and is accused of bringing the Plague.
I would then explain a little more about the plot against the Queen. The agent needs to know what that is. It will also up the stakes in your query.
Here is a link I have provided to several people in the workshop. It shows queries that went on to get requests and then book deals:
http://querylettersuccess.com/
Good luck, Romany. You’ve really got something nice here!
Thank you so much Ronald! It's been such a thrill hearing your thoughts about my writing. I'm so grateful to you - and everyone else - for giving your time & expertise. For free!
ReplyDeleteRo: I like it when a story is told through dialogue. I think you do a great jog with the dialogue in this story. I get a lot of their character, their wants and desires and fears. I get a lot of the story too. I think you've found a good balance between narrating and letting the characters show themselves. Well done
ReplyDeleteRo: I like it when a story is told through dialogue. I think you do a great jog with the dialogue in this story. I get a lot of their character, their wants and desires and fears. I get a lot of the story too. I think you've found a good balance between narrating and letting the characters show themselves. Well done
ReplyDeleteHi Ro, I really, really like this revision! I don't remember if you named the chapter before, but "The Possibility" is a great title. I think you have just the right balance of description, dialogue, and Will's inner thoughts. I'm also glad that you replaced the stranger with someone Will's father knew, setting things up much clearer with the tavern, as well as the political climate of the time. That helps establish your genre right off the bat. I'm also pleased that you let us know why Will and his father are out, that they are returning with medicine for Will's brother, so we know he is still alive. I'm still a little curious, however, as to why Will is on this journey with his father when it is obvious that the father doesn't want him to be seen in public. Maybe that is something you will reveal later.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite addition to this revision is this line: "Other people could worry about who would sit on the throne next or what church to go to on Sundays, while all he thought about was how to be rid of this disfigurement." Great writing -- it says a lot about how Will felt about his disfigurement.
I also think your pitch is great -- really sets up the story for us and something I would definitely read. I agree with Robert that you need your MC's name mentioned. Too many pronouns do not pique interest for a reader.
Thanks for sharing this piece with us these past three weeks. I really enjoyed seeing you take it from the first week to where it is today. Nicely done.
Thanks Kathie - I've really enjoyed working with you too.
DeleteI. Am. All. Over. This.
ReplyDeleteLove the pitch. Love the setting. Love your start--it's gotten so much better, and it was already a strong start. I love that it's a more ominous start, and we get a better sense of Will and his position and his interactions with others. The voice is so strong and such a great mix of historical and modern. And I love the atmosphere! I could have used a tiny bit more details of where they are right at first--sensory details of the world around them--but other than that, I think this is so awesome.
I think the pitch falls apart a bit in the second paragraph. I lost how the queen was connected to Will's stakes, how the apothecary came in, and why he was suddenly chained to a post in the dungeon. Make your query as sharp and specific as possible, especially when you are spelling out what the conflict is and why it should matter to us (and the character).
Thanks so much Mackenzie - your comments mean a lot!
DeleteHello Ro! Well done with the revisions!
ReplyDeleteI like your pitch because right away, I was informed by a plague and how old Will is as well as the time period.
“Deformed from birth, he is known as the Devil’s born.”
I like this but I second the above comment in mentioning Will’s name. I also suggest varying sentence structure even in the pitch. “Born with a disfigured face,” “left with no other choice…” Mix it up a little.
Carrying on:
“Pausing, to” take out the comma. That might just be a typo.
“Closed doors of the feather shop and the fishmonger’s.” Fantastic details! I’ll stay this a few times.
“I’ve got a wife to nag me, and her mother too.” This felt a little unneeded. I’d keep the wife. Not everyone might get how nagging mother in laws can be.
“His father’s fingers went to his belt, feeling for the weight of the medicine bottle.” Try it without “father’s.” Although if Will’s eyes are hidden he might not see this but the bottle can still be mentioned. Eating when they get home might not be needed as well. This scene is about the here and now.
“Footsteps fell on the cobbles behind them, and to the side,” Maybe just try all around? Have the footsteps just started? Or has the street been bustling all along?
“Will scuffed his foot over the ground; it was all right for his father to stop for a chat but a different matter when he wanted to.” In this it seems like the narrator has taken a step out of Will’s mind. It’s alright, but it does pull me out of the scene a little. Show Will’s annoyance/ impatience in a different way.
“You mean,” the man lowered his voice, “that’s the one they call…” YES. I get what you are doing and I love it.
“When nothing he did gave any relief and with his father’s gaze set in the distance, he lowered the folds of the hood. His lips parted in a sigh as a trickle of air darted about his face.” Wonderful! Though watch the darting about. I had a character’s eyes dart and someone noticed it.
“William Fletcher!” I love the name but that means his father just announced his presence to anyone listening in. Not good if Will needs to stay hidden. Also, is something wrong with Will’s ear as well as his face? “…against his good ear:” made me wonder.
“Will dragged the thick wool back over his face, the weight of his heart growing heavier with it.” Very good.
As for the rest, I like most of it. “to remove this thing from my face” shows that Will knows there is something wrong and wants to seek a cure. I liked how the other drafts ended, with more pulse pounding an action. “shhh, they’re coming.” Falls a little flat.
Over all, I really like what you have here. I am surprised that it is middle grade but I also know that there are things you want to deal with in later chapters that may lend it to more middle grade. All in all a good pitch and revision. Thank you and best of luck in all you do!
Thank you Melissa! I've really enjoyed critiquing your work and hearing your thoughts on mine. I hope to hear more from you some day.
DeleteHi Romany,
ReplyDeleteI really loved the concept of DEVIL’S BORN and think these very character-driven stories are really interesting – the historical setting gives it that added layer. For the pitch I thought you needed to be clearer about where you story begins as I wasn’t sure before I started reading whether we were starting in Berwick before the plague or if that first paragraph was backstory. I think this can be easily fixed by making the whole thing a little more concise. When we write our pitches for editors we often think of character, setting, obstacle, resolution as a clear way of structuring our blurb. The other slight concern I had was that for MG I think the title is a little too harsh.
I thought some of your prose was really strong and you subtly build a really vivid world. I suggest being careful to then sometimes undo this by having clunky dialogue as exposition; for example, you have a sprinkling of dialogue where they talk about the Queen but actually you achieve showing us the historical setting much more smoothly in the paragraph where you say ‘other people could worry about who would sit on the throne next or what church to go to on Sundays’. And then I think it would be better to expand on this in later chapters.
Taking on board my comments above about dialogue, I think you need to start with a chapter more action based than one where his dad has these light conversations through the street, this means I think you can get to the Church more quickly. I think you’d achieve the same but with a much tauter narrative.
Best,
Sarah