The Outanders
YA/Fantasy
Pitch:
The Outlands is a fantasy novel that tells the story of a nomadic people whose peaceful lives are thrown into chaos by a sudden invasion by an alien race. This catastrophic event scatters the survivors to the far reaches of their old homeland where, in ones and twos, they come together again in a small group of refugees who must chart new lives in a changed world.
In particular, the novel follows the course of one young man and one young lady who find their lives increasingly intertwined. Each of them is gifted in one particular way and it becomes their joined destiny to travel into the heart of the alien nation to find a solution to their people’s doom
.
The Outlands combines adventure and romance with a classic quest by two heroes who must get along with each other before they can join forces to fight their common enemy.
THE OUTLANDS:
They found the Reavor’s trail on the final day of the graduation patrol.
“What do we do?” Bazz was young enough that the possibility of Reavors loose in the Outlands was interesting. Here was yet one more problem to solve for the head of the class.
“Damn.” Peir was older by a few hundred years. For the past few weeks he’d been seeing his family in sudden dreamy reveries, hearing their voice when he was on the verge of sleep. It’d been a year. “How far ahead?”
Bazz was only twenty but he possessed an acute sensitivity to the eaithar. He dropped from the saddle and looked south where the grass ran on and on forever to the sea. Tilting his head back just slightly, he looked beyond the Here and Now, into the code of the universe as it adjusted itself in constant infinite quantum calculations. “Not too far.” He turned and grinned. “Maybe an hour.”
“Damn, damn.” Reavors loose in the Outlands this late in the year? It didn’t make sense. He risked a look to the northwest where the mountains faded in an out of heavy cloud cover. He read it in the eiathar: the pass home would be buried in three days.
Bazz was climbing back into the saddle. “What do we do?” Like it was nothing.
Peir leaned and spat and wiped his mouth with the back of his gauntlet. There was only one answer and the boy knew it. It had been like this all year. He pulled his horse around to address the other four scouts. “Okay, lads – this is it. Button up all your gear. We go fast but we go quiet.” He couldn’t miss how their faces struggled between dread and anticipation. Like Bazz, they were twenty years old and they gaped at each other with foolish smiles. Action at last!
Peir felt the weight of responsibility settle in his solar plexus like he’d swallowed a stone.
They rode south, their horses plowing the dense grass with their chests, the sun always on their right shoulder. In this way, hidden in the holocaust of sun glare, they rode up upon the flank of Reavors without being seen.
“Those are Reavors?” Peir and Bazz stood on the crest of a hill with the sun behind them. Peir drew the eiathar close about them like a cloak so they were not seen.
The aliens rode south, devouring distance with the same singular devotion to steady progress as wolves. They bristled with weapons and appeared neither rushed nor concerned about riding up on anyone. Even from this distance they could see their peculiar skin tone like old snow; their pale hair streamed from beneath their metal caps.
“That’s them.”
“We don’t have them in the south.” Bazz was of the Evening Star people. “Sometimes pirates raid the coast though.”
Peir gave the boy a hard look. “Pirates? Look at those Reavors, boy! Have you ever seen anything so strange and brutal? Half your height but twice as broad – they can snap you in two. Hands the size of plates, boy! See those axes they carry? Cut a man in half.” He turned to gesture at the shadow of the Great Dyrian Forest that hemmed in the northern horizon. “And there are millions of them up there, beneath that canopy. No one knows how many!”
“Okay,” Bazz said. That was the most irritating thing about him, he was always so agreeable.
“Pirates are nothing, boy! These Reavors come down into our homelands with one thing on their minds: murder and looting.” That was actually twothings and Peir knew it and it made him even more irascible. “Why do you think we’re even here?” He slapped one hand in the palm of the other to emphasize his point. “Do we spend every fifth year of our lives, away from our families, patrolling the southern coast for pirates?”
Bazz kept his eyes on the Reavors as they passed on beneath the leaden autumn sky. His expression was placid. “No sir.”
“Let me ask you: do we take all you twenty year olds away to the south for your warrior initiations? No, we do not, and here’s why: pirates can’t compare to Reavors for pure evil. That’s why I’m here with you and those other four instead of in my wife’s tent.”
“Yes sir.” He turned and looked around. “Don’t you think we should be going, sir? Report to the Warlord?”
Peir girt his sword belt a little tighter around his waist. “Reavors passing by just an arrow show away and he’s talking about pirates.” He took a breath and gathered his wits. “We need to give an accurate count to the Warlord. We can’t just go racing back with scary stories to tell.”
“I figured three hundred, sir.”
“Three hundred?” Peir shaded his eyes with his hand. “That’s two Reavor troops. Why so many?”
“I think we should go, sir.”
“Why are they headed south this late in the year? All of the northern tribes have moved to Winter Camp by now. There’s nothing to steal.”
Bazz tapped him on the shoulder. “I think we should go now, sir.”
Peir shrugged him off. He turned to speak his mind about propriety but saw that Bazz was looking off to the northeast. When Peir followed the boy’s gaze he saw a line wavering on the horizon like summer lightning. “What . . . is . . .that?”
Bazz was backing off the hill. “Riders, sir!”
Peir glanced at Bazz, then back to the horizon as the flickering figures resolved themselves into a vast body of mounted soldiers, stretched like a net from horizon to horizon. He was confused. The rest of the patrol? Why are they coming here?
Then he saw their code in the eiathar: these were not the patrol. These riders were not riding like an Isthilia patrol on long-legged steppe horses – these riders were mounted on heavy, thick horses and the great mass of them was encased in plates of armor that shifted the low light in fractals like river water. The ground began to rumble at their approach.
“Sir?” Bazz was halfway down the hill but reaching towards Peir as if he might stretch and grasp the older man’s hand and pull him along.
“Impossible,” Peir said. “Those can’t be Reavors! They can’t be.”
There were thousands and they were driving forward, harrying them into what now Peir could see was the advance party. “We’re pinned!” Then it dawned on him. He sprinted down the hill and grabbed Bazz as he passed him. “We’re pinned! We have to ride!”
Hey Matt -
ReplyDeleteI don't don't generally compare the revisions, but this one is pretty distinctive. I MUCH prefer it to the previous versions. The youngster Bazz makes a huge difference. The contrast with Peir is clear. There is contrast in the dialogue between Peir and Bazz, mostly in the length of the sentences, and that works for me. There is tension and conflict between Bazz and Peir. It has a quality reminiscent of Luke Skywalker's first meeting with Hans Solo.
The tension between Peir and Bazz is excellent - I suggest sharpening the conflict. One example:
"There was only one answer and the boy knew it. It had been like this all year."
I'm not sure exactly what Peir's problem is here - I think it's that Bazz had asked obvious questions, questions to make a point instead of speaking directly and that irritated Peir, but I'm not sure. The word "it" is fuzzy, in particular.
But that there is this "old man" frustration with youth and vice versa is obvious and that adds a tension that young people will appreciate. Old folks too.
"They found the Reavor’s trail on the final day of the graduation patrol." This first sentence tells me a great deal about what is happening. Then we learn quickly the danger posed by the Reavors and are soon confronted by an even greater and more immediate danger (with a bit of comic relief in the dialogue) and I am looking for a page to turn.
The portrayal of Bazz, "I think we should go, Sir." and Peir rattling on is classic. I would suggest you sharpen this even more by culling out the distraction at that moment - just some examples to explain what I mean.
“Don’t you think we should be going, sir? Report to the Warlord?” Maybe, "I think we should be going, sir."
Maybe cut, “I figured three hundred, sir.”
“Three hundred?” Peir shaded his eyes with his hand. “That’s two Reavor troops. Why so many?”
I get just the right amount of detail and insight about the magical aspects of this world and the powers Peir has. A couple of times the dialogue stuck out at me, like you were trying too hard to give me information. one example.
“Do we spend every fifth year of our lives, away from our families, patrolling the southern coast for pirates?”
The only other thing, I became bogged down in pronouns and had to work hard to follow who was saying or thinking what. One example:
Bazz was only twenty but he possessed an acute sensitivity to the eaithar. He dropped from the saddle and looked south where the grass ran on and on forever to the sea. Tilting his head back just slightly, he looked beyond the Here and Now, into the code of the universe as it adjusted itself in constant infinite quantum calculations. “Not too far.” He turned and grinned. “Maybe an hour.” No one has been mentioned but Bazz, but there are a lot of "He" before we get to the final bit of the dialogue.
I really like this as your first scene. I think it is a huge improvement and kudos for jumping in with a bold change. I care about the characters and I am anxious to see what happens both immediately and between Bazz and Peir. Great job.
Richard
Thanks Richard. Good critique and I'm already putting your suggestions into play.
DeleteThanks Richard. Good critique and I'm already putting your suggestions into play.
DeleteSO MUCH BETTER! Leading with MC; introducing a problem (the Reavers); incorporating action (imperative to RIDE at the chapter’s end). Congrats on your hard work.
ReplyDeleteWhile the MS is definitely stronger, this still doesn’t feel like a YA for two primary reasons: 1-At 20, Bazz is still too old for a YA novel MC; and 2-Pier still feels more like the MC (much of the reflection and insight comes from Pier while we don’t really get much insight into Bazz’s inner life, background (beyond being from South), etc.). I don’t know how far in you’ve written and whether this is just a sense I am getting from these pages OR whether it’s something with which you are still struggling.
Either way, YA or simply Adult, as a fantasy MS, you are getting much closer to a strong opening. Text still feels a bit overwritten. Watch out for reuse of words, and restatements of facts. Let’s look at just pp 1-4: use of “few” twice in 3rd pp along with heavy use of “years” “weeks” “years” in same pp; Bazz is “young enough” in pp 2, then “only 20” in pp 4, along with reference to Peir’s “hundreds” – is age so critical to the story that it warrants this much coverage on page 1?; what does “grass ran on and on forever to the sea” mean? Can you look in such a direction? If the grass runs forever, how can we know the sea is there? Then “constant infinite quantum calculations”? Later in the chapter, I got a little confused about Reavers versus Riders???? Also, be careful with dialogue attributions and pronouns—sometimes I get a little bit lost as to who is speaking/thinking. Be thoughtful in your word- and world-building and make sure readers can really get on board with the descriptions and explanations you put on the page.
World-building is so tricky and getting that balance right between explaining to the reader and not bogging down the plot is often a primary revision challenge for fantasy writers. While you’ve got Bazz and Pier tighter, I feel like I need an even clearer sense of the Reavers (are they just huddled there not noticing Bazz et. al. and, if so, WHY don’t they notice if they’re so close? or are they interacting with each other in some way?). A little more texture w/r/t Bazz’s young companions might also be nice.
W/r/t the pitch, I think you need to tighten the language and add MORE specifics – e.g., NAMES of characters. Also, I’d be disinclined to basically ADMIT that your story follows a basic trope (“classic quest”) and instead maybe talk about why your story is UNIQUE and exciting. Try reading Elana Johnson’s articles on query writing (Google her on Query Tracker). I’m impressed by your terrific feedback on other first-five submissions and your obvious commitment to working hard to make your work the best it can be. Keep reading, educating yourself, working on your material and you can get there! All best - Stasia
Thanks - over-writing is my weakness. Sometimes I bend over backwards trying to avoid it. I'm trying to find that balance.
DeleteThanks - over-writing is my weakness. Sometimes I bend over backwards trying to avoid it. I'm trying to find that balance.
DeleteHi Matt,
ReplyDeleteI’d like to echo the previous two critiques and congratulate you on such a massive improvement. I think you’ve made the right decision to open with your MC.
Although, reading this version I can understand why you went to lengths to construct a sense of time and place previously – because it is what is being invaded/ and subsequently lost and is therefore the driving force of why what is happening matters. This is missing in the new version. In your previous version I had a much clearer sense of the location/ scenery. I’m not suggesting reverting to the old edition – but I would like to see some of the description of the world interwoven with your dialogue/ action in this version, to give a sense of place.
Also in this version – you don’t explain the eiathar for example and it therefore lacks clarity. You mention that Bazz has sensitivity to it and that ‘Peir drew the eiathar close about them like a cloak’ but you leave the reader to work out what it is.
I think the sharpness of your dialogue and the pace of your piece are your biggest assets. I especially enjoyed this line: ‘That’s why I’m here with you and those other four instead of in my wife’s tent.”’ Throughout this extract, there’s so much complexity in your world building. Humour, darkness, love, enemies and war as well as shades of many other things, too numerous to mention. This is such a strength in your writing. It think it’s very hard to give worlds, especially fantasy ones, this three dimensional feel.
There are, however, a few clunky sentences – the most obvious is: ‘the code of the universe as it adjusted itself in constant infinite quantum calculations’. I think that you’ve got over-involved in your description here and it’s jarring for the reader.
I agree with previous comments that this reads like Adult Fantasy – and rather than trying to change the MC – I wonder whether you’d rather change your intended audience. Obviously a lot of teens enjoy adult fiction also – so it would widen rather than narrow your readership.
It’s an interesting world that you’ve created and the characters are great – I would be keen on reading this kind of book and I’m sure it will be brilliant when you’re finished with it. I hope you’ve enjoyed this course as much as me. Thanks for all your comments. Good luck! Romany
Ro, thank you for your comments. You're right about the audience being more adult than young adult - although as a young adult reader myself, once upon a time, I enjoyed the adult stories. I'm still trying to find the balance between creating a world and not over-explaining it.
DeleteRo, thank you for your comments. You're right about the audience being more adult than young adult - although as a young adult reader myself, once upon a time, I enjoyed the adult stories. I'm still trying to find the balance between creating a world and not over-explaining it.
DeleteHi Matt; Wow, I applaud you for completely changing your beginning! It really threw me at first. I thought maybe you were submitting your next section. After reading your pitch, it made more sense to begin this way so now it is clear who your main character is. I agree with Ro, however, that your beautiful narrative has suffered in this version. You get to the action sooner, but I would like to be put into the scene as a reader, not just on the outside looking in. Also, your description of the eiather in the last version was so powerful, and it is completely missing here. When building this new world of yours, you really need to give your readers more clues as to what these new words mean. I like the conflict between Peir and Bazz (I love Richard's comparison to Luke Skywalker and Han Solo -- spot on!). I sense that maybe it exists because Bazz reminds Peir of himself at that age. Putting this scene first will make the next one so much clearer. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kathie. I'm trying to get the balance right between creating new worlds and not over-explaining everything.
DeleteHello Matthew! Well done again with the revisions. I am surprised to see completely different words though, as in a total rewrite, it seems. You may want to consider your outline though, and see the first chapter as “planting seeds.” What will the seeds grow into further on down the road?
ReplyDeleteSo your pitch. I was also surprised to see “an alien race.” Be very careful with the word “alien.” Society sees aliens in very specific ways- scary little green men who come in peace. I hone in on this mainly because one of my favorite books is “The 5th Wave,” which I actually passed over numerous times before I read it because I was told that it was about aliens invading earth. It wasn’t until my bookseller told me “no, they aren’t little green men” that I gave the book a chance.
But if this is a book regarding actual outer space aliens, you may want to specially classify it as science fiction.
“One young man and one young lady.” Be specific! Which young man? Tell me about the lady, if she’s a major character. And what makes your book different? I had someone once ask me this: how does you book differ from everything else within a genre?
So onto the critique.
You out me right into the action. “they found the Reavor’s trail on the last day of the graduation patrol.” Got it. So we are starting in a completely different place and time from the last two revisions? Has that been discarded? I’ll consider it as such.
“sensitivity to eaithar.” In this revision we aren’t told what this is. Later the “eaithear” is mentioned again. But if I didn’t know what it was from previous drafts, I wouldn’t know what it was now. I love the concept of it. Just refine it.
“… dropped into the saddle and looked south where…” Try: “… dropped into the saddle and looked south, where…” Consider the flow of words.
Like it was nothing. Here I single out the use of italics. Italics should emphasize, bold should emphasize, but it must be used sparsely. Read the work aloud and the words that should be emphasized will pop out at you but again, be spare.
Yeah, "aliens" has a specific idea in readers minds. I knew that but figured I'd risk a gamble on it.
Delete“the boy knew it.” What boy? Who is the boy? Because “Peir leaned and spat and wiped his mouth with the back of his gauntlet. There was only one answer and the boy knew it.” Causes me to infer that Peir is the boy, but that’s not possible because he’s a few hundred years older than Bazz. What follows is: “Like Bazz, they were twenty years old and they gaped at each other with foolish smiles. Action at last!” The whole paragraph can really use a polishing. Maybe “There was only one answer and they both knew it.” ? Otherwise the whole paragraph contradicts itself.
ReplyDeleteI do like “action at last!” I’ve done a lot of reading into the mind set of soldiers. Action is always preferable to sitting in camp awaiting orders.
“…they rode up upon the flank of Reavors without being seen.” Without knowing what a Reavor is, I’m having a hard time visualizing this. I’m back to hairy men on horseback and Mongolian conquests.
“The aliens rode south, devouring distance with the same singular devotion to steady progress as wolves. They bristled with weapons and appeared neither rushed nor concerned about riding up on anyone.” Again- actual aliens?
Then you bring in pirates. Pirates and aliens? Careful…
He turned to gesture at the shadow of the Great Dyrian Forest that hemmed in the northern horizon. “And there are millions of them up there, beneath that canopy. No one knows how many!” So they are familiar with these aliens? I still haven’t found my footing in this draft. Ground the reader in space and time, then focus on the plot.
“That was the most irritating thing about him, he was always so agreeable.” This bit of characterization might be better seen as “That was the most irritating thing about him. He was always so agreeable.” But agreeable to whom?
“Let me ask you: do we take all you twenty year olds away to the south for your warrior initiations? No, we do not, and here’s why: pirates can’t compare to Reavors for pure evil. That’s why I’m here with you and those other four instead of in my wife’s tent.”
“Yes sir.” He turned and looked around. “Don’t you think we should be going, sir? Report to the Warlord?”
Who’s talking in those two lines? I know that Bazz said “no sir” so Peir would have said the next line but… you have a lot of dialogue and no clear tags. Remember, every time the reader steps back to say “wait, what…?” their absorption of the plot takes a backseat.
So this ends with me seeing what is going on. The characters are pinned down, and a bad thing is going to happen. Got it. The problem is, there isn’t a lot of world building, just lots of action, which is confusing taken out of context of an entire book.
I agree with Richard, to sharpen the conflict as also say to develop the characters of Peir and Bazz. Maybe end the chapter with the invasion. I liked your second revision best, when things were defined but action still occurred. I know writing the first chapter is the hardest. Think about planting the seeds. “this thing happens here, because in the next chapter this happens.” And “this character is introduced, because in the next chapter he does this.”
I believe in you! Best of luck!
Thanks Melissa - again, the balance between world-building and telling a story is a difficult thing I'm still working on. This has been a really good thing for me.
DeleteHi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteI wasn’t assigned to critique your pages, but I did read your pitch.
I would like to offer some insights I think will help.
As it reads now, we don’t learn anything about your characters. In fact, we don’t even get a name.
Three things to keep in mind when it comes to queries:
Character
Conflict/problem
Consequences/Plan of action
This website offers several examples of successful pitches:
http://querylettersuccess.com/
Good luck with your writing!
Gotcha and thanks.
DeleteHi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteSuch an interesting revision, and I think a much stronger start. You enter at a much more engaging place.
Careful of overwriting--and I feel like you're still lacking a balance between too much exposition and not enough. It somehow feels like both in a way I can't quite put my finger on. Focus on the world details that matter ot the reader to understand the context of this scene, not necessarily the wider world just yet. And watch for repetition--I noticed a few phrases and ideas got tossed around multiple times.
Your pitch, I think, needs some work. Queries should follow the pattern of set up/characters, conflict, what's at stake/what will happen depending on how the conflict plays out. Yours doesn't give me a sense of your world or book or the character or--most importantly--what they have at stake and why I should care about it.
Also--and this is just weird and knit picky--starting with "THE OUTLANDS" made me think of Outlander and I thought you were using it as a comp title. Since that book is so iconic, I might suggest a different title to avoid the comparisons or confusion.
Good luck!
Thanks so much - I'm working on the underwriting/overwriting aspect. Hopefully I'm making improvement. The title, to be honest, is a working title - and the query letter was banged out without knowing enough about writing them - which is my error. I've learned this week what i didn't do right there.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much - I'm working on the underwriting/overwriting aspect. Hopefully I'm making improvement. The title, to be honest, is a working title - and the query letter was banged out without knowing enough about writing them - which is my error. I've learned this week what i didn't do right there.
ReplyDeleteHi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this and thought your pitch was good but needs a little work and I think that you should bring out more about your characters in the pitch, as they feel quite distant so I think you need to make them more central, giving them identities and maybe tell us what each of their gifts are. At the moment it all feels a little too vague. Character, setting, obstacle, resolution... imagine what you would have as a burb. What is your hook?
The first five pages are a really strong start and I loved your first sentence; it gave us setting, backstory and intrigue all so succinctly and immediately had me hooked. Your world building is also very strong and I thought your writing was particularly visual and cinematic. I loved the sentence ‘Pier felt the weight of responsibility settle in his solar plexus like he’d swallowed a stone’.
I did have two comments on the piece. The first is that for YA having Bazz at 20 years old feels a bit disjointed and I think he should be younger – would having him at 17 work? The ages 18-22 are quite difficult in terms of relating to a readership for either YA or adult as it falls in the middle. So commercially this makes it a more difficult sell to the market.
My other thought was that you could strip back the dialogue even more and hold back some of the information for later chapters where it feels more natural to conversation – we don’t have to know everything immediately. People often use dialogue to disguise exposition but it ends up just feeling a little disjointed! In particular I felt that the conversation between Bazz and Pier about warrior initiations and coming out once every five years felt too strained and like a device for backstory rather than natural conversation.
Overall I thought this was a really strong piece.
Best,
Sarah