Sunday, September 11, 2016

1st 5 Pages September Workshop - Perry Rev 1

Matthew Perry
Young Adult/Fantasy
The Outlanders

The Outlanders

The hill waited and watched all that day in brooding silence. No birds sang, no breeze stirred the boughs of the trees that crowned the summit. The drop of a single acorn clattered he canopy and hit the grass with a sound out of all proportion to its size.
The concussion of hoof-beats shattered the spell and launched a flock of birds out of the tree-tops. When the riders cantered up the hill armed men rose up like phantoms from the ground. They surrounded the horses and took the bridles and helped the riders drop from the saddles.
Peir, chief of the scouts, tipped a water-skin back. Overhead the jeering birds circled the hill and rose up into a column that could be seen for miles in that empty land. They turned all in a mass and would have flown south but for a sudden westerly wind that dispersed them, still complaining, to the east.
At the summit of the hill the Warlord – the Rhuan-  sat on a large rock as if carved from it. Peir handed the water-skin off and walked up. He made a visor of one hand against the overcast glare and gave his report.
“We found a trail. It’s recent. They’re heading south.”
The expression on the Rhuan’s face flickered like a ripple across a still pond. He was looking north where the restless grass ran on and on to the trees that hemmed in the horizon. The forest appeared to be only a day’s ride away but it was a trick of perspective due to the size of the trees, which were bigger than anything in the world except the mountains.
“Winter’s coming,” he said.
Peir nodded. Now that the spell was broken the north wind rattled the papery leaves and smelled of snow.
The Rhuan clasped his hands together and held them between his knees.  “How many?”
“I’d guess three hundred. They made sure to cover their tracks.”
Peir had never seen the Rhuan surprised before.  “Three hundred Reavors?”
Peir didn’t say anything. The north wind continued to blow.
The Rhuan got to his feet as if an invisible weight was balanced on his shoulders. “Last year they had about half that amount. We ran into them a half-day’s ride from here. Surprised us both, I think. I lost forty-one of my boys.”
“These Reavors are heading south and in a hurry. Don’t think they’re looking to ambush.”
The Rhuan shook his head. “I don’t think last year’s Reavors were either. That’s what bothers me. What else do Reavors do? And why are they here so late with the storms coming?”
Peir waited a second before saying, “Renegades, perhaps? Losers in one of their wars?”
The Rhuan didn’t answer. He climbed up onto the rock and looked beyond the Here and Now, bending his mind so he could see into the connective energy that bound heaven to the ground beneath their feet, which the People called eiathar. It spoke of the world’s rotation towards winter, the migration of the birds and mammals, the trees, but there was no trace of the Reavors.
The Rhuan dropped down from the rock and his face was grim. “These are no renegades. I can’t see them in theeiathar. Same thing last year. I’m troubled.’
Peir was troubled too. This was the last day of the last patrol and they were supposed to be heading home, to the families they left a year ago. For the past month now his mind was crowded with their faces, and he sometimes heard their voices when he lay down to sleep. “What do you want to do?”
The Rhuan jerked his chin to the northwest where only the stumps of a mountain chain could be seen beneath the swollen clouds. “That rain wants to turn to snow. I’ve asked it to hold off, but it won’t hold long. Any day now the North Pass will be closed and we’ll be cut off from the valley.”
Overhead, a last V of geese were stroking south. The Rhuan said, “They must have gotten a late start.” He smiled and the hard planes of his face softened. “They come from the very edge of the world, where the land breaks apart into the icy sea. The air is full of birds -   you can’t imagine the numbers. And the sound!” He shrugged. “But that’s where winter comes from too and those last geese are riding at its head. We have three days.”
The Rhuan looked around at the hundred and eighteen men crouching as still as the wind-twisted trees, facing outwards, double-curved bows held ready. “These are good boys.”
Peir nodded. “They’re boys. Still need some seasoning.”
“Peir, they’ll have to do.”
Peir looked up at the sky again. A pair of kites stood in mi-gyre against the dome of the sky like insects caught in amber. “I know. I knew it the moment we came across those tracks.”
The Rhuan buckled on the sword that lay at his feet. A young man with wild hair stepped out of the shadows behind him to hand him his lance.
“Okay, Peir, take me to where you found the trail.”

***
They were cunning: their trail followed the contours of the land without leaving any – but when they approached it, the eiathar rippled with menace. The Rhuan passed his reins and his lance to the Peir and walked forward, spreading the grasses before him with both hands like a swimmer wading. He descended into the low space between hills and then entered the trail– passing out of this world and into the eaithar in a flicker like summer lightning.
In that Other-Where he felt their passage: a turbulence of fear, trepidation, and hunger that beat against him and spun him about as if he was caught in a river flood. The Rhuan fought to master it but it resisted him with uncanny strength; then he fought to move beyond it so he might view it from a distance, but it pulled him back and continued to whirl him about; then, in a moment of clarity, he realized the turbulence meant to tear him apart and, realizing his peril, he began to fight against it, but there was no way to get free. Each move he made was met by a counter move. Time was running out, the longer he stayed, the greater the chance to lose himself completely, to melt into the eiathar. He felt his consciousness separating into loose threads, unravelling into the general chaos. Rather than fighting, he released himself into it and pushed through to the center.
There was something there with him, something sentient there in the eiathar with him that shifted and feinted, and slipped outside his periphery so he could not see it straight on.
Who are you?  
A chill passed through his body, breaking his concentration. He came out of the eaithar as if jerked by a rope.
Peir saw the Rhuan stagger out of the grass. He ran forward to take his weight and ease the Rhuan to the ground. “Give me a chance to catch my breath,” the Rhuan gasped. Peir stepped back full of fear. He glanced at the men and boys all around and began planning how he might get them home if the Rhuan failed.
The Rhuan straightened up, his face drawn and his eyes wild. He shook his head and when he smiled, it was his old smile again – though he was pale. “That’s a first for me,” he said.
“You’re scaring me, Ellis,” Peir said, calling the Rhuan by name.
The Rhuan nodded and raised a hand, palm out. “I’m a little scared myself.” He bent over and put his hands on his knees. “Something was in there with me. Something tried to pull me in and destroy me in the eaithar.”
Peir cocked his head and scowled. “What are you telling me?”
The Rhuan straightened up and nodded.
Peir felt a rage flare up his throat and into his face. Where it came from, he had no idea. “What are you telling me? That there’s someone else – some other race that understand the eaithar?” His chest beat with adrenaline and fear and a desire to lash out. This was unnatural, the universe was perverted. This was wrong.
“I don’t know what’s going on,” the Rhuan said. “I have been the Rhuan – the warlord of the People for two hundred years. This is beyond me. I feel like I met my match in there.”
Peir felt his rage subside into cold fear. “What do we do?” He felt like a child again, asking his father. He was one-hundred and eighty years old and there were no longer demons in the shadows, keeping him from sleep – but now he felt that forgotten uneasiness.
The Rhuan stood up straight and he was himself again. He reached for the sword at his belt and closed his hand around it as if reassuring himself it was still there. “The answer’s that way,” he said, pointing south.
The fear and the anger settled in Peir’s belly like a stone. “How do you want to proceed?”
The Rhuan made a circular motion with his hand above his head. “This is your patrol. You make the call.”
Peir looked around at the men who sat waiting. Eighty-six boys in their twentieth year plus thirty four veteran warriors - Rhiga . “Ok, I’m gonna ride ahead with the scouts again. Take all the Rhiga and leave most of the youngsters to follow behind with you – but I’m gonna want two or three of the more gifted boys. Might as well make this part of their training.”
The Rhuan leaned back and laughed. “You’re taking Bazz, aren’t you? Admit it: I was right! I told you at the beginning of this tour . . . .”
Peir rubbed his chin and frowned. “I didn’t say he wasn’t a gifted candidate – what I said was, if I don’t kill him first.
Peir rode back to patrol and divided the scouts from the van. “Bazz,” he said to s young man with wild hair. All the other young men were checking equipment, adjusting weapons. Bazz was blowing through a leaf blade, making an unpleasant blatting noise as if he was still a herd boy, watching his tribe’s horses. “You’re coming with us. Leave the toy.”

11 comments:

  1. I enjoyed this even more.

    We are deeper into the story faster, always good.

    There was more clarity between the characters and the feelings and the relationship between the two is more focused. I had no trouble following the dialogue even with the strange names and the other worldly place.

    The dialogue is a refreshing contrast to the narration. I like the balance between the narration and the dialogue in the first part of this particularly. For me, the dialogue was appropriate for this military setting, but suggested a personal relationship beyond duty.

    I am sympathetic to the Rhuan and to Peir. I like the complicated aspect of Peir - a warrior but becomes scared, respects the leader but becomes angry.

    You have trimmed the descriptions - they are more focused. They are still quite full, but not so I get bogged down.

    I like this at the start. "The drop of a single acorn clattered the canopy and hit the grass with a sound out of all proportion to its size.

    The concussion of hoof-beats shattered the spell and launched a flock of birds out of the tree-tops."

    Silence and then deafening hooves. It's awesome I feel like I'm watching a movie. To emphasize this, I would cut. "No birds sang, no breeze stirred the boughs of the trees that crowned the summit." Don't shoot me yet, here's why. It's extremely poetic and compelling, but it sounds like something I have heard in many stories so it comes off almost cliche. The other reason is it weakens your first sentence.

    "The hill waited and watched all that day in brooding silence." I believe, from just your first sentence, that we are in a strange place where the hills are alive (oops). I loose something of that when you describe further.

    In the second section, this was an effective scene and idea, but it was a little hard to follow. It's not too long, but just needs precise language.

    "In that Other-Where he felt their passage: a turbulence of fear, trepidation, and hunger that beat against him and spun him about as if he was caught in a river flood. The Rhuan fought to master it but it resisted him with uncanny strength; then he fought to move beyond it so he might view it from a distance, but it pulled him back and continued to whirl him about; then, in a moment of clarity, he realized the turbulence meant to tear him apart and, realizing his peril, he began to fight against it, but there was no way to get free. Each move he made was met by a counter move. Time was running out, the longer he stayed, the greater the chance to lose himself completely, to melt into the eiathar."

    Beginning here, for me the dialogue was a little too casual between the Rhuan and Peir, with "Ok" and "gonna", I preferred the tone of the earlier dialogue.

    “Ok, I’m gonna ride ahead with the scouts again. Take all the Rhiga and leave most of the youngsters to follow behind with you – but I’m gonna want two or three of the more gifted boys. Might as well make this part of their training.”

    Love this - it's classic, too. "Bazz was blowing through a leaf blade, making an unpleasant blatting noise." Did anyone else think, "Gilligan!" From that bit of information plus the previous dialogue, I got it - I got Bazz nailed. I would consider leaving me with that uncluttered image.

    Peir rode back to patrol. “Bazz. You’re coming with us. Leave the toy.”

    This is excellent. I feel much less tired reading this version, I don't feel overworked, I feel like you are holding up your end of the bargain. I would definitely read on.

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  2. Wow, Matt, great job on your revisions! This was like night and day for me. I was hooked in your first version, but I appreciate the clarity in this revision. Like Richard pointed out, the reader doesn't have to work so hard to figure out the terms of this fantasy world. You have spelled out the roles nicely, without too much repeat or explanation. I, too, like the picture you've created of the stillness at the beginning, and then all chaos breaks loose. I'm glad you kept my favorite descriptions of the Rhuan: "At the summit of the hill the Warlord – the Rhuan- sat on a large rock as if carved from it", and "The expression on the Rhuan’s face flickered like a ripple across a still pond." The eaithar was only mentioned in your first draft, but here its energy is visually depicted and took me deep into it along with the Rhuan. Nicely done. Your introduction of Bazz as a man with wild hair got me curious, but then he's not mentioned by name until the end, so I almost forgot about him. Maybe a little more could be said about him at his appearance when all he does is hand the Rhuan his lance. If he did something else, or said something, that might give me an indication that he is going to be an important part of this story, so it will make sense when his character is given a name.

    A few nit-picky things: "Peir had never seen the Rhuan surprised before. “Three hundred Reavors?” makes it sound like Peir is talking. I would rephrase, maybe something like: "Three hundred reavors?" The Rhuan took on a look of surprise like none Peir had ever seen before." Also, I agree -- watch the casual language like "Okay" and "gonna". Terms like that seem too modern for this setting. I'm not sure I like Peir making the final decision in this revision. In your first draft, I really like how the Rhuan agonized over the correct decision and weighed the pros and cons. But obviously, that's your call.

    I also agree that you have a nice balance of narrative and dialogue. Getting rid of the unnecessary description also gave your story a chance to get to the action sooner. Nice job!

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  3. Hello, Matt!



    There is quite a lot to chew over with this so I'll get right to it. Excellent job with your revisions.



    My first concern is with your opening line. You want something that grabs the reader and propels them into the second line. For your line "The hill waited and watched all that day in brooding silence. the and really causes me to take pause. Maybe the hill waited? Or watched? Also- the hill is waiting/ watching? Or are those assembled on the hill waiting and watching? This is our first chance at forming the scene in our mind. You give a lot of detail but it is important that we are able to put it all together to grasp what is going on. It is fine to start in the middle of action, however it is important to not leave the reader in the dust with all that is happening.



    Very good at letting us know who Peir is and what his job is as well as the Rhuan.



    "The forest appeared to be only a day’s ride away but it was a trick of perspective due to the size of the trees, which were bigger than anything in the world except the mountains." Is there a better way this can be written? Let the reader infer that it is a trick of perspective.



    “Last year they had about half that amount. We ran into them a half-day’s ride from here. Surprised us both, I think. I lost forty-one of my boys.” A very good way to tell us what happened last year.



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  4. "the connective energy that bound heaven to the ground beneath their feet, which the People called eiathar." Thank you for the explanation of what eiathar is!

    In the next section you give us LOTS of detail and show us something happening- the Rhuan's ability, infact, to slip into the eiathar. The writing is lovely. However, in the questions asked in the above link "How to read the first 5" it is asked if there is too much detail and this is a case where there is. Three paragraphs composed of 270 words is a lot to throw at a reader before we are given the sentence "who are you?" You may want to break this up more. With too many long and wonderful sentences it becomes easy to skim and in that case, the reader may miss an important detail.



    "A chill passed through his body, breaking his concentration. He came out of the eaithar as if jerked by a rope.

    “Peir saw the Rhuan stagger out of the grass...." Watch jumping between points of view. It's disruptive, it forces the reader to stop and refocus on who's POV they are in now.



    “I don’t know what’s going on,” the Rhuan said. “I have been the Rhuan – the warlord of the People for two hundred years. This is beyond me. I feel like I met my match in there.” Is another explanation for what the Rhuan is truly needed?

    As for Bazz, I can see that perhaps he is going to be the comic relief? Maybe even a main character? Because you have this classified as YA but my concern since the beginning is where the young adults are. A man who has been Warlord for 200 years can't possibly be considered a teenager, right? If this is Bazz's story, he needs brought it much earlier... in the first 1250 words. Concentrate on that last line: use it to propel the reader into the next pages. "Leave the toy" is abrupt but also distracting. It causes me to wonder if I can put faith in Bazz to do what is needed given that he was last seen playing with a toy. Just something to consider: first impressions are everything.



    And I will be the one to say this: it is very, very important to follow submission guidelines when submitting work to anyone or anything. Your second revision was 1733 words. I only mention it because in adding more detail, you tacked on an extra 400+ words. These are words you may have seen as highly necessary, however, all authors have words they see as highly necessary. If an agent says "send me the first ten pages of your manuscript" it isn't right to send them twelve pages because something happens on page 12 that will really drive the pages home. If something happens on page 12 that is major to the story, it might be better to start there.

    It is important to get the details needed into the first ten pages to fulfill the submission guidelines. This is just something to consider. You are a fantastic writer and you have incredible details. Don't lessen your chances for publication by not following directions. Proper formatting, polishing of work, etc: these are all things that you must be aware of in order to give your work every possible chance to succeed.

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  8. Hi Matt, I really enjoyed this version – it reads more fluently than the last one and I’m impressed at how many changes you’ve made.

    There are a few things that I think you could do to improve it further:
    Like me – you can drift into laboured prose at times. Lots of beautiful phrases and images but too many together can have the ‘overkill’ effect. The birds in paragraph two, for example, it’s great and I love the ‘still complaining’ detail at the end. But there are so many details in there that it can be over-whelming. I believe the phrase is: ‘less is more’ sometimes…

    I think someone mentioned the ‘winter’s coming’ line last week. If you’re not a Game of Thrones fan – you might have missed it. Obviously it’s not copy-righted– but it is the central plot line of GOT and much repeated throughout. You have such an ability to craft image and moment – I’m sure you can come up with something better to differentiate yourself from George RR Martin. I am guessing that your world is ‘rotating’ towards winter and I don’t think that needs to over-lap with Martin – but I would avoid the phrase: ‘Winter is coming.’

    I love the physicality of your descriptions and I am totally transported into your world. ‘the eiathar rippled’ and ‘the swollen clouds’. And I like this image also: ‘Overhead, a last V of geese were stroking south.’ I appreciated the explanation of what the ‘eiathar’ is as well. I don’t think it was clear last time.

    The detail of the wind (and nature generally) that runs through this piece is evocative and especially effective. I missed the ‘wind twisted’ trees at the start and was glad to see you’d made use of that phrase later on.

    The dynamic between your characters is great. I really believe in the Rhuan and his surface personality like rock with a hint of his old self (Ellis) underneath.

    Overall, it’s a really exciting piece. I wonder where you’ll take it next!

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  9. Hi Matt, Mackenzi Lee here (commenting under my real name since this website is being difficult! Don't tell anyone my secret identity)

    I didn't get to read the first round, so this is my first exposure to your first five. You have a great atmosphere going here. It's a very ominous start--I can feel bad things creeping up. You have some nice small details that give the reader context of the world, but don't feel like exposition. They're organic to the characters' thoughts. I liked the characters a lot (especially the Rhuan) and their interactions felt organic and dynamic and very telling of their relationships.

    The first paragraph caught me off guard--definitely thought your story was being told from the perspective of the hill, and it took me a while to orient myself in who your main character was. If Pier is the MC, start with him. You want to make sure you immediately get your reader in the head and experience of the person they're going to be following for the story. It took me a while to connect to him because I couldn't figure out who I was supposed to be following.

    I think your beginning gets a little lost in your prose. Your writing is beautiful, but it feels very heavy, and I was paying more attention to it than I was the story itself. Make sure your first priority in the opening pages of a fantasy is getting your reader rooted in your world. Lovingly described, for sure, but don't let the world itself take a backseat to the beautiful descriptions. Overall, I could have used a lot more explanation of where we were and what (and who) I was supposed to be caring about.

    Good luck!

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  10. Hi Matt, Mackenzi Lee here (commenting under my real name since this website is being difficult! Don't tell anyone my secret identity)

    I didn't get to read the first round, so this is my first exposure to your first five. You have a great atmosphere going here. It's a very ominous start--I can feel bad things creeping up. You have some nice small details that give the reader context of the world, but don't feel like exposition. They're organic to the characters' thoughts. I liked the characters a lot (especially the Rhuan) and their interactions felt organic and dynamic and very telling of their relationships.

    The first paragraph caught me off guard--definitely thought your story was being told from the perspective of the hill, and it took me a while to orient myself in who your main character was. If Pier is the MC, start with him. You want to make sure you immediately get your reader in the head and experience of the person they're going to be following for the story. It took me a while to connect to him because I couldn't figure out who I was supposed to be following.

    I think your beginning gets a little lost in your prose. Your writing is beautiful, but it feels very heavy, and I was paying more attention to it than I was the story itself. Make sure your first priority in the opening pages of a fantasy is getting your reader rooted in your world. Lovingly described, for sure, but don't let the world itself take a backseat to the beautiful descriptions. Overall, I could have used a lot more explanation of where we were and what (and who) I was supposed to be caring about.

    Good luck!

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  11. First, SORRY SORRY SORRY to have missed your first pass. I actually read it but I generally like to take a day to mull over my reaction before writing and I just never got back. THAT SAID... I agree with the above that this version is stronger in many ways than the first. My main issue remains a broad one which is that the story feels a bit overwritten--focused too much on love of the world and the language than the complete story (adding character, plot, a clear line for the reader). No sense, therefore, in over-commenting on things like passive verbs, word choice, anthropomorphized geography. Instead, here are a few broad questions to ponder. I hope that reflecting on these might help you to align your style, story and characters to bring this ms up another level!
    1. IS THIS A YA? Peir is 108, the Rhuan (why the constant italics?) older and we only get to a seemingly teen character in the last pp - Bazz? IF he is the MC, that is way too late to introduce him to teen readers. Check out V. Rossi's RIDERS or Sophie Jordan's REIGN OF SHADOWS to see some terrific high fantasy YA starts.
    2. WHO IS THE MC? Even if this is fantasy, even allowing for world-building indulgences of the genre, I kind of need to feel that you, the author, are leading me (the reader) toward a connection with the main character. E.G., instead of history, all this Rhuan material, army headcounts, I need things that will affect MC. IF it's Bazz, the first thing might be about how SOME of the young army folks can't keep quiet--then, later, we'll see this is about Bazz. That kind of thing. The world-building must be in service of the character-building and the plot development, not just things that interest the writer about the material--that's great prep work but should all be in the opening pages as it bogs down the writing.
    3. What HAPPENS in Chapter 1? Can you write down, in a sentence, the KEY PLOT POINT? Maybe even try writing the 10 KEY PLOT POINTS for the first 10 CHAPTERS. Then, let these points guide your SELECTION of world-building and other atmospheric details.
    4. Finally, once you've ID'd your MC (or MCs), make sure they are actors and not reactors. Right now, we have Piers feeling angry but basically staying very still; Bazz is disinterested and a little bit silly. What we need is PIERS making a MISTAKE--maybe alerting the enemy? And maybe BAZZ pissing somebody off. I don't mean these specifics but right now, these characters both feel very passive, observing and not changing their worlds. If we want to consider FANTASY novels based on the HERO'S JOURNEY model, we truly need them to RECEIVE & REFUSE that "call to adventure." And, in the case of YA, pretty quickly :)
    BEST OF LUCK. It's clear you've got a big, richly imagined world. It can be overwhelming. IMO fantasy is a particularly tough genre. Hang in there, keep digging into your material and I believe you can get there, Matthew! - SWK

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