Sunday, September 4, 2016

1st 5 Pages September Workshop - Perry

Name: Matthew Perry
Genre: Young Adult
Title: The Outlanders

The Outlanders

The concussion of hoof-beats shattered the stillness of the hill and launched a flock of black-birds, shrieking and jeering, out of the wind-twisted trees. The spell was broken: eighty Isthilia warriors had watched there for hours with no more movement than the rocks, but when the horses surged up the low rise, eyes wild and nostrils blowing steam, the men rose from the ground like phantoms to take the bridles and bring them in. The scouts had ridden hard and they dropped from their saddles like drunks.

Peir, the chief Rhigan, arched backwards, hands pressed into the small of his back, feeling the pop and release of compacted discs. The blackbirds formed a tower that billowed high overhead and bent to the south, as obvious in that empty land as the smoke from a bonfire. He eyed it with misgiving as he limped up the hill.

The Rhuan sat on a rock at the summit as if carved from it. Peir made a visor of one hand against the overcast glare and made his report.

“We found a trail. It’s recent. They’re heading south.” 
The expression on the Rhuan’s face flickered like a ripple across a still pond. He looked north where the restless grass ran on and on to the eldritch wall of trees that hemmed in the horizon. The forest appeared to be only a day’s ride away but it was a trick of perspective due to the size of the trees, which were bigger than anything in the world except the mountains.

 “Winter’s coming,” he said. He could see it in the thick air tumbling above the forest, hundreds of miles away.
Peir nodded. The wind out of the north was insistent and smelled of snow.

The Rhuan clasped his hands together and held them between his knees. “How many?” 

“They made sure to cover their tracks, but I’d say at least three hundred.”

“Three hundred?” Without turning, the Rhuan  was aware of his own eighty-six warriors – Rhiga – on the hill all around. He could feel their individual and collective signatures in the eiathar, that web of energy connecting Father Sky and the Great Mother. The hill pulsed with tension.

 “Three hundred Reavors traveling south just ahead of the winter storms.” He stood up on the rock and looked into the eiathar in that direction but could see no sign of them there for hundreds of miles. “What’s their plan?”

Peir waited a moment to see if the Rhuan would answer his own question. The north wind did not let up. “You think this is another ambush, like last year? 

“Last year.” The Rhuan said it as if the taste of the words was toxic.  Last year forty-one Isthilia died not far from this hill in an ambush that he failed to foresee, their ashes now part of the grass and soil of the Outlands, their eiathar released into the universe. He shook his head. “Can’t be an ambush – why would they be travelling south when they know we head north at this time of year? What made them leave the forest and travel south when winter’s coming to the Outlands?” 

A sound at the edge of audible range made him squint up into the distant altitudes as a last tardy flock of geese made their way south. “Waited too long to migrate and now they’re in a hurry.” He looked at Peir and the sharp lines of his face folded into a smile. “They come from the edge of the world, where the land breaks itself apart against the sea. I went there once, when I was young. That was a long time ago – over three hundred years!” He laughed as if it was just the two of them sitting around a fire, drinking tea, and they had all the time in the world. “I still remember it though – it made a big impression on me. At the edge of the world the air is full of birds – you can’t imagine the numbers. And the sound! I can still hear it in my memory.”

The Rhuan shook off the reverie; his eyes lost their glow. He jerked his chin to the northwest where only the stumps of a mountain chain were visible beneath the swollen clouds. “That rain wants to turn to snow. I’ve asked it to hold off, but it won’t hold long. Any day now the North Gate will be closed, buried by snow and we’ll be cut-off from the valley. We have maybe three days.”

“Three days?” Peir looked back to the north, and the way home. “ Looks like we could be in worse shape than your geese.”

The fabric of time stretched around them, pregnant with possibilities. The eighty-six warriors around them leaned forward, impatient. Horses nickered softly as they shifted and waited. Peir watched the face of the man before him, trying to fathom the thought process taking place beneath the hard planes and soft creases of the surface.

The Rhuan’s eyes were closed, his head back - the eiathar hummed with the eagerness of the young men for action, a cyclonic storm of desire and fear and adrenaline that closed in on him till he felt like he was drowning in it. Forty-one died last year and I saw nothing. This year again I saw nothing. Am I getting too old?

“Okay, Peir,” he said. “What should we do?”

Peir shook his head and smiled. “Not my decision, Ellis, you know that.”

“You’re the Chief Rhigan of this warrior society.”

“You’re the Rhuan of all the warrior societies.”

Ellis, the Rhuan of All the Warrior Societies, looked down at a rip in the leather cuff of his gauntlet as if surprised and saddened by its existence. He brushed at it as he thought out loud. “If we turn north now and go home, we’ll make the pass before the storms, but we’ll be turning our backs on Reavors running loose in the Outlands.”

Peir said nothing.

“If we ride south, after them, we may find ourselves cut off from the North Gate and forced to take the long way home.”

Peir waited. Above his head a pair of kites stood in mid-gyre against the dome of the sky like insects caught in amber. The wind, which had been blowing steadily, seemed to congeal in a dense bubble around them. Time ceased to exist.

Ellis, the Rhuan of All the Warrior Societies, pinched the rip in his cuff together with thumb and forefinger but when he released it, it spread apart again. It would either need a stitch or it would unravel all the way. “Well, we can’t allow Reavors to run freely across the Outlands. Whatever they’re up to, we have a duty to investigate – even if it’s a trap.”

Ellis’s face was inscrutable but Peir knew the Rhuan was thinking about last year and the lost forty-one. “Let’s do our duty then,” he said.

The vacuum of silence was shattered by a collective whoop of excitement that made the horses side-step and whinny. Time lurched back into gear with an accompanying babble of men’s voices and excited laughter that rose up into a crescendo until the veteran Rhiga circulated among the young men dispensing advice in low voices.

Ellis was back up into the saddle as if the ground had tilted and he needed only to shift his weight. “Take me to where you found the trail.”

The eiathar drew tight like a bow string just before release

4 comments:

  1. Hey Mathew - I really enjoyed this. From the second sentence we are somewhere else. “The spell was broken.”

    I feel transported to some other place and time, then the transport is reinforced -“men rose from the ground like phantoms”, “the eiathar, that web of energy connecting Father Sky and the Great Mother”, “They come from the edge of the world,”” “That rain wants to turn to snow. I’ve asked it to hold off,”
    I enjoyed the two characters. I struggled with identifying who was who as I read the first time–this could be my unfamiliarity with this type of story and just my brain not processing unusual names very well. I do get a feeling you are trying to lay it out for me-“The Rhuan sat on a rock at the summit as if carved from it. Peir made a visor of one hand.“ And btw, that image tells me in an instant the relationship – you even gave the Rhuan exactly twice as many words. It’s one of my favorite parts of this story. Actually, maybe formatting differently the conversations might be helpful.

    I love the crisp dialogue. It’s a great contrast to the preceding long sentences and refreshing. It drew into the story and shot me forward. It also gave me a great picture of the business like and military nature of the relationship and the task.

    Beginning here I enjoyed the dialogue less. “Okay, Peir,” he said. “What should we do?” I lost the tone of the earlier conversation. I think I expected it to remain short and direct, militaristic.

    I would enjoy more dialogue and less narrative. I think that might mean less narrative, and specifically less description.

    I am very sympathetic to the Rhuan – his age and memories, his worries over the young warriors, and the larger responsibility are laid out. I can see him clearly. I enjoy the contrast with Peir. I get a sense of the classic Captain reporting to the Major, but there is also the sense of mentoring by the major. This is very Fort Apache and John Wayne (and that’s a complement from me.) I get a sense that the Rhuan soon pass the torch to someone. The Rhuan is lifted off the page.

    About Peir, I wonder if he might express more of a “young warrior” attitude–anxious to make command decisions, anxious to gain glory and build a military reputation and career, to help him jump off the page.

    I thought this was a great sentence–it brought together everything about the Rhuan. “Ellis, the Rhuan of All the Warrior Societies, looked down at a rip in the leather cuff of his gauntlet as if surprised and saddened by its existence.”

    The descriptions are very full. They are very effective at transporting me to this place and time, especially time, but there is a lot of it. I have to work hard to stay with the narrative. One example. “Peir waited. Above his head a pair of kites stood in mid-gyre against the dome of the sky like insects caught in amber. The wind, which had been blowing steadily, seemed to congeal in a dense bubble around them. Time ceased to exist.” The picture is gorgeous, but it’s a lot of work to take in to forward the story. One suggestion-maintain detail that established the character and lighten up on the setting detail. Others might prefer the opposite, but I think your dialogue, narrative and character might be getting swallowed up by your descriptions. Here’' an example of what I would do, I’s just an example not a suggestion.
    “A sound at the edge of audible range made him squint up into the distant altitudes as a last tardy flock of geese made their way south.”

    “A sound at the edge of audible range made him squint up. “ I’m thinking, if he can barely hear it and he squints, they are high, and I know they are geese because he says they migrate. (Actually, I might enjoy not being told they are geese becaue they might be some strange bird native to this place and time.)

    I would definitely read on. Something dramatic is going to happen to these characters and I care about them. I can see where readers of this type of story buy it.

    I’m looking forward to more. Thanks for reading my comments.

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  2. First impressions:
    Hello, Matthew! Overall, I really liked your piece but of course I have a few things to discuss.
    First of all: I see that your genre is young adult but I am uncertain of what else it is. Given the subject matter, I grasped that it is fantasy? If it is not fantasy, make certain that it is obvious. For some strange reason my brain went to the Mongol Conquests in Asia during the 13th Century. Don’t ask, I can’t explain, but I pictured a huge army and untamed lands. Maybe a distant enemy as well.
    That being said, watch dumping too much info into the first sentence. In fact (and this is just my opinion, remember) I like the second sentence better as a first sentence. Hoof beats, shrieking birds AND wind twisted trees is a lot of descriptions to chuck at a reader in the first line. What is the inciting incident? What is the first thing the characters and the reader will see/ hear? If it is a loud noise, start with that, then add details. Otherwise, I am having a hard grasping what is going on in the first paragraph to the point that I have to reread it. You don’t want that. You want me to keep reading.
    In the first paragraph, I don’t need to know everything happening, but I need to have an idea of place, followed by the action.
    I also need to know who the main character is, or at least get an idea.
    Otherwise I am scanning the first few paragraphs to try and figure it out. I’ve had a lot of interesting words tossed at me in the first 500 words.
    My first thought is that this is fantasy in the vein of Game of Thrones, given the reference to the edge of the world, North Gate, etc. Also “Winter’s Coming.” Be careful! People associate Winter is Coming with GoT. If you want to hint at the onslaught of winter, go for it, but spin “Winter is Coming” in your own way. Maybe the Great Coldness is upon them?
    Watch dropping too many unfamiliar terms in at once. Rhigan, Rhuan, Reavors, Isthilia, until I know what these words mean, I’m confused with their context and they are distracting me from everything else.
    “The hill pulsed with tension.” Fantastic. Consider showing this though. How do those assembled on the hill feel the tension?
    The Rhuan can ask the rain to not turn to snow? This guy seems to have some powers, and I want to know more.

    Ellis: His name just shows up in the prose, which is fine. Then his name shows up first four more sentences. Watch doing that. Then I am told that he is the Rhuan of all Warrior Societies. Twice. So Ellis is the Rhuan? The Rhuan speaking the whole time?
    Is there a hierarchy at work between these two?
    Over all, I see what you are doing here and I am intrigued by your world building, but everything else going on? I’m left confused. I don’t know who the main character is and moreover, I’m not concerned about any of them. Make me care about your main character. I don’t need to know everything about the story in the first 5 pages, but I need to have an idea.
    Also- and I am guilty of not doing this, but read your work out loud. You have a wonderful grasp of words and how to use them, but they don’t flow in a way that is easy to read.
    I hope this helps.






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  3. Hi Matthew, I think your opening starts well. It’s very clear what is going on – and it’s exciting and dramatic.

    I might be tempted to pare down the first sentence though – as it’s rather long.
    ‘The concussion of hoof-beats shattered the stillness of the hill and launched a flock of black-birds, shrieking and jeering, out of the wind-twisted trees.’

    Do you need to say the concussion shattered the stillness – or is the fact it’s a ‘concussion’ of sound enough? Also the flock of birds could either ‘shriek’ or ‘jeer’. Both verbs distract from the loveliness of the phrase ‘wind-twisted trees.’ Otherwise I think it’s a gripping first paragraph.

    ‘Peir, the chief Rhigan’ - I’m not clear what a ‘Rhigan’ is. I’m assuming it’s a tribe – but I would include that detail for clarity and readers like me who are unfamiliar with this kind of society.

    Having said that, later in the piece you repeat unnecessarily who people are:

    ‘“You’re the Chief Rhigan of this warrior society.”

    “You’re the Rhuan of all the warrior societies.”

    Ellis, the Rhuan of All the Warrior Societies, looked down at a rip in the leather cuff of his gauntlet as if surprised and saddened by its existence… (and a few lines later) Ellis, the Rhuan of All the Warrior Societies,’

    You don’t need to keep saying ‘Warrior Societies.’

    I know it’s a tough job to evoke an unusual setting without a lot of exposition – but I think you need to find a way to make the characters and the society clearer for the reader in this piece.

    I’ll look forward to seeing how you get on!





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  4. Hi Matt -- I really enjoyed reading this and think you are off to a great start! I immediately knew it was a fantasy of some sort with your descriptions and introduction of new words like Rhigan, Rhuan, Isthillia, eldritch, eiathar, etc. I think you did a good job of working them into your context so that what was unfamiliar is becoming more familiar. You don't need to tell us everything right up front. As a reader, I like to discover some things on my own. I like that you have introduced only two characters to begin with -- a lot of characters in the first five pages can get confusing. Having said that, I would like to know a little more about Peir. I like the mentor/mentee relationship, if that's what it is. He is obviously leaving the big decision up to Ellis, and I thought the way he weighed the pros and cons told us a lot about the setting and the immediacy of making the right decision.

    I do agree that, as beautiful as your descriptions are, the first few sentences are rather long. I tend to skip over descriptions of the setting to get to the action, especially at the beginning. You do a nice job of describing things within your dialogue and I would like to see more of phrases such as: "The Rhuan sat on a rock at the summit as if carved from it," "The expression on the Rhuan's face flickered like a ripple across a still pond," and "The fabric of time stretched around them, pregnant with possibilities." You give the title first, then put a name to the title, which established the hierarchy for me, but no need to repeat "Ellis, the Rhuan of All the Warrior Societies."

    I don't know if your book title is a working one or not, but I would rethink it because of the popularity of Diana Gabaldon's "Outlander" series, now a TV series on Starz. I don't know if you're familiar with it or not, but I'm a big fan (I went to college with Diana). She uses "Dragonfly in Amber" as the title of her second book, so your "like insects floating in amber" jumped right out at me, as I'm sure it will anyone else a fan of that series. Just some things to think about.

    A very current genre that will garner lots of fans, I'm sure! But also a lot of critics, so it must be original and not copy cat -- a challenge, to be sure. Keep up the good work!

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