Sunday, September 4, 2016

1st 5 Pages September Workshop - McMahon

Name: Kathie McMahon
Genre: Middle Grade Contemporary
Title: Road Trip With Crazy Grandma

CHAPTER ONE
The Scrapbook

The crack of a whip, a cloud of dust, and the gun flew out of the robber’s hands. Indiana Jones spun around just in time to . .

“Nate?” A tired voice drifted up the stairs. “Dinner’s almost ready and I need you to set the table.”

No “please”, just do it. I sighed and placed my bookmark in my Raiders of the Lost Ark book to pick up where I left off later. I would have rather finished the chapter before dinner, but there was no chance of that now.

My eyes focused on the picture of my mom that leaned against the lamp on my nightstand. It was the first thing I saw every morning when I woke up, and the last thing I gazed at when I turned out the light at night. It was hard to believe she had been gone almost two years now. The dreaded “C” word, the adults called it, with their whispers and concerned faces staring at me whenever I entered the room.

“Nate!” Dad’s voice got louder, with more of an edge to it. The kind of parental tone that makes you jump.

“Coming!” I gave Mom one last glance and bolted down the stairs.

Smells of tomato sauce and spices filled the kitchen. Dad stood at the stove and stirred his prize-winning spaghetti sauce, my favorite. He hadn’t fixed that since my birthday last summer.  He makes it with fresh tomatoes, basil and oregano from Mom’s garden.  Well, it used to be Mom’s garden.  Grandma Lou taught me how to keep it going since Mom died. I don’t much like the weeding part, but planting the seeds and watching them grow makes me feel closer to Mom. When I was little, she used to let me hold the hose over each plant, but made sure the water trickled out slowly enough that I wouldn’t drown the plants. Dad usually says he’s too tired to make spaghetti these days, so my suspicions were immediately set in motion.

“What’s up?” I asked, as I got the silverware out of the drawer. “Is it a special occasion?”

“What do you mean?”replied Dad, without looking up from the pot of steaming sauce.

“You haven’t made spaghetti in forever,” I answered, and tried not to sound like I was accusing him of something.

“I just had a craving for it,” Dad said. “No big deal.” He struggled with the pasta like it was a huge ball of twine as he scooped it onto two plates. I winced as he ladled the sauce sloppily onto each pile of noodles.  I would have to get a separate bowl for my salad and ranch dressing. I hate it when different foods touch each other.

“There, now,” Dad said as he plunked both plates down on the table. “Grab the salad and some napkins and we’re good to go.”

I slid the chair out and carefully laid the napkin on my lap. Sprinkling some parmesan cheese on top of my spaghetti, I was just about to dig in when I noticed Dad staring at me. “What?” I asked, my fork stopped mid-air.

“There’s something I want to talk to you about, Nate,” Dad said.

Uh oh, this can’t be good, I thought. Parents never start a sentence that way when they’re planning on taking you to Disneyland or buying you a cool video game or something like that. They only want to “talk” when there’s bad news, like a phone call from your teacher, or the movie you can’t go see, or . . . someone is sick.

“What’s wrong?” My stomach suddenly lurched at the thought that Dad might be sick, or maybe something had happened to Grandpa Don or Grandma Lou. I put my fork down, stared at my dad, and tried to breathe normally, even though my heart was pounding like crazy.

“Nothing’s wrong, Nate, really.” Dad tried to force a smile, probably because he realized he had started this whole conversation wrong. “We need to talk about what you’re going to be doing this summer until I get my vacation in July.”

“I thought we already decided that I’m old enough to stay home alone this year.” I grabbed my fork and started swirling my spaghetti around the tip, careful not to splash any sauce on my clean shirt. I was going to need all of my strength for this discussion.

“I know that’s what you want to do,” Dad chose his words carefully. “But I’m afraid that’s not an option.”

I slammed my fork down a little harder than I meant to, spaghetti sauce spilling over onto the tablecloth. “That’s not fair!  Lots of the guys can stay home anytime they want to.  I’m the only one that can’t!” I didn’t actually know that for a fact, but it sounded good. I hadn’t really gone over to any friend’s house much since Mom died.

“What would you do if you stayed home?” Dad asked, as he poured dressing on his salad.

My brain searched for some reasonable, adult-like responses. “I could do some extra chores for you while you’re at work, like weed the garden, take out the trash, mow the lawn, clean the pool . . .” I was feeling exhausted just rattling off the endless list of things that Dad usually did.

“Doesn’t sound like much fun.”  Dad took a big bite of spaghetti and tried to stifle a smile. “Seems to me that a ten-year-old boy would much rather be EATING the food from the garden, PLAYING CATCH on the lawn, and SWIMMING in the pool.”

“I’m almost eleven,” I mumbled, feeling defeated.  I didn’t tell him that all I really wanted to do was read books and watch Discovery Channel or the History Channel on TV.  Instead, I sat up tall and said, “I’ll tell you one thing, I’m NOT going to Boy Scout Camp again!”

Dad tilted his head to one side and frowned. “I thought you had fun at camp last year. You created an awesome leather cover for your sketch book and Grandma Lou loved the birdhouse you made for her in the craft cabin. And what about your new friend Sheldon? Won’t he be going again?”

I shook my head. “He’s going to astronomy camp.” I had told Dad about the crafts and the fossil hunt and a few other things that I did at camp, but I didn’t tell him about the bad things, like throwing up while horseback riding and almost drowning in the creek. And I definitely didn’t say anything about the bully Oliver.

“It’s too late to sign you up anyway,” Dad said. “About the only thing left is Kids Kamp.”

“No!” I jumped up from the table, causing my glass of milk to wobble back and forth and splash onto the table. “All the kids are younger than me and they play a bunch of baby games. I want to stay home and read my books and build things with my Legos and stuff like that. If Mom were here, she would trust me enough to let me stay here alone!”

“That’s enough, young man.  Sit down.” Dad bit his bottom lip and I could see redness creeping up his neck, which happens when he’s about to explode in anger. Something that seemed to be happening a lot more lately.  I took my seat, careful not to spill anything else.

11 comments:

  1. Kathie I really like this - I'm all about dads and sons. I got the t-shirt on both sides of that one.

    The tension and conflict between son and father is apparent right away. We definitely learn about Nate. I thought getting to know Nate partially through the father’s eyes was effective. “I thought you had fun at camp last year. You created an awesome leather cover for your sketch book and Grandma Lou loved the birdhouse you made for her in the craft cabin . . . ” It tells us about Nate, even though it is the father’s one-sided and incomplete perspective.

    I believe a kid would relate to the father and his tone. I’m not sure the language and thoughts of Nate separate him from the grown up father character. He may be a little grown up sounding.

    I’m definitely intrigued by this conflict is going, where it will lead the story.
    There’s some great detail. “I slammed my fork down a little harder than I meant to, spaghetti sauce spilling over onto the tablecloth.” I love that, it’s great – with that, I really don’t even need this: “That’s not fair! Lots of the guys can stay home anytime they want to. I’m the only one that can’t!” From Nate’s reaction I get a great picture of what he is thinking and feeling.

    There were a couple times where I could use less information or detail, like “Uh oh, this can’t be good, I thought. Parents never start a sentence that way when they’re planning on taking you to Disneyland or buying you a cool video game or something like that. They only want to “talk” when there’s bad news, like a phone call from your teacher, or the movie you can’t go see, or . . . someone is sick.”

    I would definitely keep reading and I think an ordinary reader would too. I think the key to why is the relationship between the dad and the son, the dad clearly not “getting” Nate, or Nate feeling he does not. And I get a sense that the father’s motivations are more than “You are too young and this is what you will like” so I’m looking ahead to learning more about the father and his thinking and what will happen.

    I wonder, this opening is so much about the father and son, if you might consider revealing what has happened to mom a bit later, remove it as a distraction to the conflict and tension between father and son that is drawing us into the story.

    I am looking forward to more – I want to know what is going to happen this summer. I’ve gotten a taste of Nate’s character and want to get some more nibbles.

    In fact, when you said “Kid’s Camp," I’m like “Ah ha!!!” You hooked me - you shot me dead. You could stop there for me.

    All I need is.

    “No!”
    “That’s enough, young man.”

    I’m all in.

    Thanks for reading my comments. I'm looking forward to your revisions!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Kathie – I enjoyed reading this. It felt light-hearted and humorous, despite the under-tones of death. Having read your book title, throughout the piece, I was waiting for Nate’s dad to tell him he’s going on a road trip and I was looking forward to finding out how he felt about it. So I was disappointed when your extract came to an end – I would definitely read on…

    Nate is instantly sympathetic – although I wouldn’t spill everything about his mom’s death and the big C – so near to the start. I would concentrate instead on the dynamic with his father, leaving the reader to wonder about the absence of his mother.

    There’s a lot of clarity in the way that Nate’s feeling and because of this, I was expecting him to be older than 10. I think that when his dad is reluctant to leave him on his own – despite Nate having been allowed to think that was the plan – you need to provide some reason for the change of heart. Has Nate been in trouble at school? Having anger management issues? Etc. Some clear reason why his dad doesn’t want to leave him on his own. He sounds quite sensible (and too mature) to me.

    In that vein, I would also be tempted to add some complexity – anxiety issues or something that conveys how he is not coping after the death of his mom. It feels too neat and controlled and lacks the sense of mess and angst that her absence must create. If the story is about how the road trip with his crazy grandma helps to heal him – I think you need to give the reader more precise details about how the death of his mother has affected him.

    I really liked your prose and the fluency of this piece and look forward to the revisions! Ro

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Richard and Ro! You both had similar comments, so it has really given me some things to thing about. My struggle is trying to address it all in the first 1250 words. Most of your concerns are cleared up by the end of the first chapter, when Grandma Lou is introduced. So maybe I just need to address some of those things sooner. That's why I'm thrilled to be a part of this and get a chance to make revisions!

      Delete
  3. First Thoughts:
    Hello, Kathie! I’m jumping right in on this.
    Your main character craves adventure. I see it.
    No “please”, just do it.- Emphasize what you need to. No “please.” Just do it. If this matters, show it with italics, unless it doesn’t matter, in which case rewrite it.
    Starting with “the dreaded C word” Yes I get this and I like that this is here. At this moment, I see that this character has/had a mother with cancer, and how he feels about it.
    “The kind of parental tone that makes you jump.” Fantastic for middle grade.
    This is wonderful. It sets the stage for many concerns I can see through Nate’s eyes. Also I am quite clear on who the main character is as well as his backstory- with a mother sick with cancer/ gone (I never assume) the father must be a widower, which brings its own story.
    “sloppily.” Dad’s new at the serving dinner thing, huh? Amazing imagery. But he hasn’t made the sauce since last summer, so I want to know why.
    Before I go further, I like that you brought in Grandma and Grandpa. If they are relevant characters, this is good, but remember: this is our first impression of them.
    Does Dad start lots of conversations wrong? Just something to consider regarding Nate/ Dad and their relationship.
    Last thoughts: If this story is about a road trip with crazy grandma, make sure it shows up in the first 5 pages. My first impression is that Nate wants to stay home this summer and thinks he is mature enough to and NOT what is going to happen.
    You do an incredible job of showing rather than telling. Keep up the good work!

    ReplyDelete
  4. First Thoughts:
    Hello, Kathie! I’m jumping right in on this.
    Your main character craves adventure. I see it.
    No “please”, just do it.- Emphasize what you need to. No “please.” Just do it. If this matters, show it with italics, unless it doesn’t matter, in which case rewrite it.
    Starting with “the dreaded C word” Yes I get this and I like that this is here. At this moment, I see that this character has/had a mother with cancer, and how he feels about it.
    “The kind of parental tone that makes you jump.” Fantastic for middle grade.
    This is wonderful. It sets the stage for many concerns I can see through Nate’s eyes. Also I am quite clear on who the main character is as well as his backstory- with a mother sick with cancer/ gone (I never assume) the father must be a widower, which brings its own story.
    “sloppily.” Dad’s new at the serving dinner thing, huh? Amazing imagery. But he hasn’t made the sauce since last summer, so I want to know why.
    Before I go further, I like that you brought in Grandma and Grandpa. If they are relevant characters, this is good, but remember: this is our first impression of them.
    Does Dad start lots of conversations wrong? Just something to consider regarding Nate/ Dad and their relationship.
    Last thoughts: If this story is about a road trip with crazy grandma, make sure it shows up in the first 5 pages. My first impression is that Nate wants to stay home this summer and thinks he is mature enough to and NOT what is going to happen.
    You do an incredible job of showing rather than telling. Keep up the good work!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks, Melissa! Very positive comments and some things to think about as well. I appreciate it!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Melissa: I get Nate right away. I think you do a good job of juxtaposing what he wants vs. what his dad sees as "best". Like Richard, I'm also a father and so I've seen both sides of this coin. I like the way you present your father as having the boy's best interest vs. the world Nate presents to him, minus bullies and throwing up. I think their relationship is very real and something that many people can relate to.

    One thing that struck me, though - the dinner table conversation was lacking something. I'm not sure what. To me, it seemed a bit perfunctory. I like that was simple and got the information across that is necessary to see the conflict develop; I like many of the nuances and details. Maybe it's just me, but I thought that more could have been offered there.

    Is this title just a working title? If not,it kind of gives everything away very quickly. Do you know what I mean? Mom dead, dad goes away, and he doesn't want to go to camp - then we know where he WILL go. I'm not sure whether that's absolutely perfect and clear or a little TOO clear and perfect. Wiser heads may weigh in there.

    Overall, I like your sentence structure and your eye for detail. Your style is simple but not simplistic and that's good. I would definitely read. We need more books for boys and boys that are troubled.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hi Kathie,

    Thanks so much for submitting this to us! I'm excited to be working with you over the next few weeks. There's a lot I really like in these pages.

    I love Nate's character and his quirks. They come across easily and in a really believable way. The OCD-ish details are nice. From the avoidance of having foods touch (so true!) to the focus on the risk of sauce staining his clean shirt. It all makes him both realistic and likeable. Well done!

    His struggle to deal with the loss of a parent also comes through well in these pages. Kids can't really deal with it head-on at that age -- it's a long-term process. The fear he has when his dad makes a special dish and says he needs to talk is a perfect example of how these things can manifest. A special meal and the words "we need to talk"? That can't be good! That's great stuff and it really rings true.

    So you have a character and a situation that set you up to write a truly compelling story. But what you need to focus on moving forward is structure and pacing. One thing my old agent used to tell me to do all the time was "start the story as late as you can." I'd pose that challenge to you here. I feel like we get so much backstory right up front that we never get to the heart of the matter in your narrative. I don't really know what this story is about after five pages. If I were writing this, I would let the information about Nate's mom's cancer trickle out in more subtle ways, without keeping the reader from getting to the main thrust of the story. And I'm not sure we need all the gardening info at this point. Maybe his mom's garden is a reason he doesn't want to leave for the summer (because he's worried it will die), but we can probably skip the reflections on watering the plants, etc. Honestly, I think you could start as far down as: "There's something I want to talk to you about, Nate," without losing much. Remember, there's always time later in the book to sprinkle in backstory, but if you delay the action and conflict too much in the beginning, you'll lose readers' interest.

    You could even think about starting after the road trip with crazy grandma begins. Grab the reader's attention with some high-impact scene, then spin out the backstory where it makes sense as you proceed.

    I look forward to seeing where you take this in the next round!

    All best,
    Rob, 1st 5 Pages Mentor

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks, Rob! You've given me a lot to think about. Mainly, if it doesn't move the story forward, take it out! I'll definitely give your comments a lot of thought as I revise.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi Kathie,

    Thank you for sharing your work with us today!

    You have an easy, clear middle grade voice here, which is wonderful to read. There's a great balance of external and internal commentary. Your characters are easy to access.

    Like Rob, my central question pertains to what is happening in this scene. If you were to state your query for this book, does this opening scene address the opening line of your query?

    For example, "When eleven-year-old John discovers a red gemstone in his bathroom, her discovers the hidden world of Magica that exists below the floor drain." In that story, we would absolutely expect to start CH 1 with the discovery of the red gemstone.

    What is your inciting moment? I feel like we're getting there, but we need to nudge closer. Either the father needs to get to it quickly int he dialogue, or we need to consider opening the story in another way, or at another time. The way you have woven the backstory into this selection is great--we can feel the mother's absence--but we could also feel that absence as the father drives to drop Nate off at his summer destination. We could feel it in the lobby of a camp, or--I'm guessing--in Grandma's living room.

    I would focus on this central question for your first revision pass. Begin the story at the last possible moment.

    Some smaller notes:

    -- Road Trip With Crazy Grandma: I would rethink the use of the word "crazy" which has a hurtful connotation with mental illness. This title doesn't tell us much about the story. Consider changing it, or aligning your story to match it.

    -- Is Nate an only child? That's a subtle detail I'd like to understand better.

    --Opening line: if this is a quote (even an imaginary quote), it should be italicized or in quotes.

    Best of luck with your revision!

    Melanie Conklin
    First Five Mentor

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Melanie! Major revision in the works!

      Delete