Name: Lisa Stringfellow
Genre: Middle Grade Fantasy
Title: Dark Tide
Pitch
12-year-old Kela never imagined, “I hate you,” would be her last words to her mother and after her death, Kela would do anything to take it back. Powerless to change the past, she only finds solace in jewelry-making and the sea. While scuba diving, Kela salvages a mysterious box containing a beautiful hair comb. When she touches it, a magical connection opens to a dangerous mermaid named Ophidia. The comb is Ophidia's soul, the immortal spark she took from a human long ago, and without it, she will dissolve into sea foam.
Bound by rules of magic, Ophidia offers Kela a wish in exchange for her comb’s return. With only three days to return the comb, Kela accepts and wishes her mother back from the dead, but soon learns that magic has consequences. Overjoyed at her return, Kela watches her mother sink into depression, the aftermath of being torn away from her soul. But before Kela can help her or keep her end of the bargain with Ophidia, the comb is stolen. As time runs out, Kela must find the thief and brave the mermaid’s wrath, or risk losing her mother again.
Chapter 1
Kela leaned forward slightly, resisting the heavy tug of the bright yellow scuba tank.
“Are you ready?” Her father’s strong, ebony hands rechecked the straps of her equipment.
“I think so, Pop.” She released her grip on the gunwale of the boat and flexed her stiff fingers.
“Just like old times then. Take your time and lean back when you’re ready.” He squeezed her shoulder. “I’ll be right behind you.”
Her mask felt warm and familiar as she put it on and took a steadying breath. It’s not going to bring her back. The little voice inside protested as it had this morning when she found another note from Pop asking her to come diving. But staying away hadn’t made the hurt go away. Tucking her chin and holding onto her mask and regulator, she let the weight of the tank flip her backwards into the warm Caribbean.
Panic grabbed her at impact. The dizzying somersault lasted only a moment but not the sensation of being dragged down. Years of practice couldn’t stop the impulse of her arms and legs to fly out, to refuse being swallowed. She willed herself to stay calm, not to fight, and relaxed her body into the sea’s embrace.
Exhaling long and slow, Kela emptied her lungs and felt her body drop. She adjusted her speed and repeated the process until the dive computer on her wrist displayed the right depth.
Fish darted like silver bullets through the mirror world beneath the surface. Fifty feet above her, the ceiling shimmered of glass and light, and she basked in the absence of sound. No splashing or shrill gull cries pierced this side of the water. Nothing intruded except what she brought with her: the movement of her body through the water, the rhythmic intake of her breathing, and the percussion of her heart.
An underwater forest pulsed in a kaleidoscope of color and texture. Reefs were a living boneyard; coral polyps wore their skeletons on the outside and built their homes on the backs of their ancestors. Her throat tightened at the beauty she had missed.
When she was little, Kela learned to snorkel with Mum and Pop in shallow reefs off the coast. Even when she was old enough to help Pop run trips with tourists, diving reminded her of family. Now, she wasn’t sure anymore. Pop beckoned her towards the reef, trying to close the void between them. Even below the water, this seemed the way of things. She conceded this time and moved closer.
Despite two months away, her body remembered what to do. She twisted slightly towards the sea floor. A jagged cluster of rocks jut from the reef, broken coral scattered. Earthquakes weren't uncommon in this part of the Caribbean and Kela remembered the strong tremors just last week. A rumble had rattled the windows and walls in the house and she had looked up in time to see the picture in freefall. With her arms around Kela and her broad smile frozen in time, the photo of her mother exploded in glass and wood as it hit the floor. Kela now looked at the sad shattered pieces of coral and wished she could put them back together too. But you can’t, the little voice hissed.
Kela swam on.
Pop pointed to a spotted cleaner shrimp picking its way across the tentacles of an anemone and scavenging food. Other citizens of the reef weaved in and out among the formations; flying gurnards with their large eyes and winglike fins, sandpapery filefish with neon scrawls across their flanks, and sharp angled jackfish prowling for prey.
Kela looked for shells. She needed more for her jewelry-making but thinking about Mum made her search harder for the one that would complete their collection. Normally reefs were great for collecting, predators casting the leftovers of their meals outside their holes, but not today.
A sound penetrated the silence, a faint warbling hum. Barely audible, but Kela could definitely hear it. Her eyes scanned the shadowy waters, but she wasn’t sure from where it was coming. Or if it was even real. Pop swam just ahead and didn’t seem to notice anything.
Kela kicked away from the coral forest towards open sea, making sure Pop could still see her. Safety required they stay within each other’s line of sight, but she thought she’d have more luck searching away from the reef. Careful to avoid stings from urchins or scorpion fish concealed in the sand, she searched the sea floor. A glint of blue finally caught her eye.
Her heart sank. It wasn’t a shell, only tinted sea glass with edges smoothed by the tide. Its translucent color made it a rare find. Kela tucked it in her dive bag. She picked up a small brown shell and watched spindly legs and antenna pull back out of sight. She stroked its smoothness then gently put it back. She hated divers who killed creatures just for their shells. It meant there would be fewer for everyone to find in the future. A life should be worth more than a pretty trinket.
The warbling sound thrummed louder and more insistently. Kela’s head snapped up. She noticed an angular shape in the sand a few feet ahead. It didn’t look like rocks or trash that had settled to bottom. It was small but definitely out of place.
She glanced to see where Pop was. He moved just beyond the rocks and broken coral. As she turned back to the shadowy shape, the water felt unnaturally cold. Her skin pricked underneath the neoprene wet suit as she kicked forward. Her hand floated undecided for seconds before finally pulling it from the coarse grit.
The hum stopped.
It was just a box. A little bigger than the size of her hand and completely battered. Nothing but barnacles and sea-worn wood, its hinges oozed a rusty red. A tiny keyhole stared from its center.
She turned it over in her hands and shook but nothing betrayed its contents.
Kela looked back. Her father was still exploring the reef, but getting closer. There were rules about what you could take during a dive and until now she had never questioned them. Shells were fine in this area, but salvage items were different. She wondered if the earthquake had dislodged it from wherever it had been buried.
Small and crumbling, the box seemed harmless, but she wanted to know what was inside. Kela’s brow creased. Pop wouldn’t like it, but he was the one who had pushed her to come. Adrenaline pulsed as she hesitated then quickly shoved it into her bag.
A sudden pressure on her shoulder forced her to take a sharp intake of breath and she jerked around. Pop squeezed his hand into a fist next to his chest, his gesture indicating he was getting low on air. He then made a thumbs up. It was time to surface.
In matched strokes, they kicked up towards the boat. Just like with Mum. It’s always what you want, the voice whispered. Kela tried to ignore it, but guilt still pinched. No matter how hard she wished, words could not be unsaid or choices taken back. As she followed Pop’s long shadow towards the bright ball of light above, she hoped she had made the right one this time.
Ophidia
The light faded as Ophidia plunged her arms into every murky corner, her tail fin thrashed in her search.
Lisa, I think these pages are terrific. They're really tight, they flow, they're engaging. The descriptions are gorgeous. Really nice work.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason, on previous reads I thought it was Kela's sister who'd died. It's clearer now, not just from the pitch but also in the text.
As for the pitch, I think it's also very good. In the second paragraph, watch out not to use "but" too much. Find other ways to express that turn about of events or that catch.
For example, I would break this into two sentences: "With only three days to return the comb, Kela accepts and wishes her mother back from the dead, but soon learns that magic has consequences." So it would read something like, "Witho only three days to return the comb, Kela accepts the offer and wishes her mother back from the dead. She soon learns, however, that magic has consequences." The "however" replaces what "but" did in the original. This way, using "But before Kela can help..." doesn't cause an echo. It's just a way of masking those turns so they don't end up sound like, but then but then but then. I hope that makes sense.
I think the pitch is really solid. It's concise. You understand what she wants, what the stakes are, what the consequences are if she fails. It has me wondering who the thief is. It's really good.
It's been a pleasure reading your work these last couple of weeks. Wishing you all the best with your writing!
Amy
Hi Amy,
DeleteThank you so much for the concrete feedback and suggestions. I have really appreciated that. I noticed recently that starting sentences with "But..." is a writing tic of mine and now that I am conscious of it, can look out for it. Thank you again for all of your help this month!
--Lisa
Hi Lisa!
ReplyDeleteOnce again, superb job with these pages! I love your pitch, but I do think you can amp up the stakes and the danger – let us know how desperate she is, and the dire consequences if she fails.
Regarding your pages, I have to admit that I don’t love the opening lines. It is a bit flat, and you write so beautifully it doesn’t do you credit. How about re-ordering it into something like this:
Kela’s mask felt warm and familiar as she put it on and took a steadying breath. It’s not going to bring her back the little voice inside protested as it had this morning when she found another note from Pop asking her to come diving. But staying away hadn’t made the hurt go away. Nothing had.
Kela leaned forward slightly, resisting the heavy tug of the bright yellow scuba tank.
“Are you ready?” Her father’s strong, ebony hands rechecked the straps of her equipment.
“I think so, Pop.” She released her grip on the gunwale of the boat and flexed her stiff fingers.
“Just like old times then. Take your time and lean back when you’re ready.” He squeezed her shoulder. “I’ll be right behind you.”
Tucking her chin and holding onto her mask and regulator, she let the weight of the tank flip her backwards into the warm Caribbean.
Also, I wonder if you don’t need the little voice at all. It is a bit distracting. I think it would be just as strong, if not stronger, if you did it like this: It’s not going to bring her back, she thought, as she had this morning when she found another note from Pop asking her to come diving. But staying away hadn’t made the hurt…
I love including her Mom in the diving memories, but instead of - Now, she wasn’t sure anymore – maybe Now, more than ever – and then add another line or two about how empty she feels, how much she misses her mother, so that later we understand completely that she’s willing to do or risk anything to bring her back.
This paragraph was a bit choppy, with several short sentences, and I think you could do better:
Her heart sank. It wasn’t a shell, only tinted sea glass with edges smoothed by the tide. Its translucent color made it a rare find. Kela tucked it in her dive bag. She picked up a small brown shell and watched spindly legs and antenna pull back out of sight. She stroked its smoothness then gently put it back. She hated divers who killed creatures just for their shells. It meant there would be fewer for everyone to find in the future. A life should be worth more than a pretty trinket.
Maybe - Her heart sank. It wasn’t a shell, only tinted sea glass with edges smoothed by the tide. Its translucent color made it a rare find, so Kela tucked it in her dive bag anyway. Spying a lovely brown shell, she snatched it up, noticing its spindly legs and antenna. She stroked its smoothness then gently put it back. She hated divers who killed creatures just for their shells, it meant there would be fewer for everyone to find in the future. A life should be worth more than a pretty trinket.
I was still surprised that her father didn’t see her slide the box into the bag – it seems as if he is right there! I’d suggest adding a thought or two to let us feel the passage of time.
Your descriptions are lovely, as always, but I’d suggest reading this out loud again, to vary word choice and sentence structure.
It’s been a pleasure reading your pages – I wish you the best of luck with this story!
Hi Erin,
DeleteThanks so much for your comments and suggestions. I agree that the opening lines are not as memorable as they should be and like your suggestions. I will definitely work on that.
I also like your suggestions about the little voice and because I struggled with it so much in revision, I like the idea of trying the chapter without it. Your other comments are also spot on and give me food for thought as I look through it again. I agree that, like the descent passage, the part where she takes the comb could use a little slowing down.
Thank you so much for your wonderful and specific advice this month. I am so grateful!
--Lisa
From Tanusri:
ReplyDeletePITCH: I thought your pitch was very well-written and I definitely wanted to read on. I love the idea of a dangerous mermaid! And the underlying theme of Kela’s deep sorrow and guilt over her mother’s passing gives the story a heartwarming subtext.
FIVE PAGES: The description of Kela in the water and the underwater forest is so evocative. I love that you jump right into the story with the background of what happened with Kela’s mother emerging in the course of the narrative. The reference to the earthquake that happened the previous week added just the right note of poignancy. Just keep in mind when writing in dual POV (Kela and Ophidia) that the voices must be distinctive and the ending, cohesive. And conversely if you are going to present Ophidia’s POV only in some places, make sure that you don't assume the reader’s familiarity with Ophidia's thought-processes when you write Kela’s part. Overall I think this is an intriguing story and I can see it appealing to middle-grade readers. Keep going!
All best,
Tanusri
Hi Tanusri,
DeleteThanks so much for your feedback. Your notes on an alternating POV are especially appreciated as I do have that going on and have received lots of varied advice as how best to manage it. I will definitely take a closer look at those transition points to ensure that they are smooth for the reader.
Thank you again for your helpful feedback and kind words!
--Lisa
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteI love revision. You did a great job making it more clear that Kela's mother died recently.
For example: "When she was little, Kela learned to snorkel with Mum and Pop in shallow reefs off the coast. Even when she was old enough to help Pop run trips with tourists, diving reminded her of family."
I might drop or alter the sentence after that (like Erin writes above). You could really show the level of despair and sadness that will later motivate her to make some of her choices.
This is small thing too, but is there any way you could compare the warbling or humming sound to something. I think middle grade readers appreciate comparisons to familiar things. Does is sound like the hum of motor? The vibrating of a phone? Or something more magical (or sinister) like the sound of a dangerous high-power electric line?
Your sensory language is a strong point, and I agree that you should perhaps try an opening line or two that use some of your amazing descriptions.
Your pitch is intriguing, and it makes me want to read more. If you do tell your story in alternating perspectives, you might want to include that in your pitch since that is a unique aspect of your MS. The other thing I like to do is boil my pitch down to tweet length (140 characters) and then build it back up. That helps me focus on the essential elements. It's difficult to explain part of the plot and still build suspense, but you do a good job.
It's been an absolute pleasure to read your 1st 5, and I hope to see more of it soon.
Dan
Thank you so much Dan for your suggestions.
DeleteI do like the idea of boiling down the plot to a tweet and then expanding it for the pitch. That is great advice! I also agree that a auditory comparison for the sound would help the reader imagine it better. I listened to a lot of strange underwater sounds in doing research and couldn't think of a good onomatopoeia, but a comparison is a great idea.
Thanks so much for all of your help this month, and good luck on your work as well!
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteGreat writing as always! Love the descriptive imagery you create. I think your pitch is very concise and right to the point. You clearly state the conflict and what the MC's desires are and I love that. I don't really have any comments, but thank you for all of yours.
Best of luck,
Christian
Hi Christian,
DeleteThank you so much for the encouragement and your comments this month. I really have appreciated them. Good luck with your work as well!
--Lisa
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteGreat writing as always! Love the descriptive imagery you create. I think your pitch is very concise and right to the point. You clearly state the conflict and what the MC's desires are and I love that. I don't really have any comments, but thank you for all of yours.
Best of luck,
Christian
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteAgain, great work with the revisions. Your changes really tightened this chapter. I feel completely pulled into the story now when I reading it. I'm grounded in the action and can appreciate the lovely setting you describe. Great work thickening the tension by adding the parts with the mom. Your premise is so intriguing! Excellent pitch. As I've said before, I wish we could have seen more of chapter two! That's not a critique - I just would have liked to read more. I enjoyed participating in this workshop with you. Best of luck to you!
Hi Kimberly,
DeleteThank you so much! I think I tried to be too vague in my first attempts, with a goal of being mysterious, and I'm learning that being specific is always much better. I appreciate your help and feedback this month. Good luck with your own work. I have enjoyed writing with you this month as well!
--Lisa
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteAs always, beautiful! I think you did a wonderful job with the hum and box. I could feel the box wanting to be found. I really wanted to read more and wished the five pages could be more.
The only comment I have is this sentence tripped me up and I had to read it a couple times: "Even when she was old enough to help Pop run trips with tourists, diving reminded her of family."
Otherwise, everything flows beautifully!
Your pitch is fantastic, and I think you have a wonderful premise. I wish you all the best in your writing career!