Genre: YA Fantasy
Title: Ashmore Unbroken
PART 1 -- LIFE
Chapter 1 – Turbulence
I choked against the thick smoke filling the air.
Glancing left and right, the only thing I noticed was the sheer panic
from the other seven passengers in the tiny plane.
I was going to die. I wasn’t even sixteen and I was going to die.
I shut my eyelids, aware of a horrible noise filling the air. The
smell of gasoline and burnt steel made a pungent combination in my
nose. My stomach lurched in reply from the chicken sandwich I had
eaten earlier.
The seat belt light overhead blared at me angrily. Like that little
piece of fabric was going to help.
Muffled sobs came from a couple nearby who had been holding hands a
second ago. One of the businessmen yelled fiercely at a shaking flight
attendant, desperately pleading for a way off the plane. An old granny
sat in front of me quietly humming to herself as she knitted a scarf.
The granny stopped knitting suddenly and looked up.
The plane dropped ten feet.
The flight attendant fell sprawled on the floor, and I could see a
large shape reaching down for her.
It was as if someone had taken the fastest roller coaster in the world
and placed it on top of Mount Everest. My stomach was sitting on the
ceiling by now. The plunging motion was sickening and exhilarating at
the same time.
The engine sputtered on my right side as it completely gave out.
In my last moments before I would completely black out, a million
questions formed in my mind…
Why had I agreed to go on this stupid tiny plane my stepdad had arranged?
What would it be like to die? Would I even notice it? Or was there
nothing after?
Where was the pilot - if he was even still alive? I should’ve known he
would kill us, acting so weird before the flight.
And what in the world was that stupid noise?
And then it hit me, right before I succumbed to the engulfing
darkness. That noise was me. Unaware I was screaming at the top of my
lungs, my disembodied self finally came to the realization. Fear had
taken hold.
I looked down at my Ramones t-shirt and stopped screaming. My dad had
introduced me to them – And for a split second I just breathed heavily
as realization sunk in.
I felt a wrinkled old hand wrap itself around me, a dry, creaky voice
speaking into my ear. It was the old woman who had been sitting in the
seat in front of mine, now muttering prayers or chants or something.
“Don’t worry my boy,” the woman said, though I kept my eyes fiercely
shut. “It’ll all be over soon, and then the peace will come. Peace…”
She trailed off.
Something about her – the voice, the texture of her wrinkles, the
smell of spice cake and flowers - had reminded me of my own nana, for
whom I had boarded this death trap of a plane ride to go visit over at
Tahoe.
I gripped her hand tight and whispered back. “Thanks.”
“What’s your name young man?” She asked dryly.
This didn’t seem like a moment for small talk but I indulged. “Gavin.
Gavin Ashmore.”
“Well Gavin Ashmore, it’s a pleasure to meet you. My name’s –“
Another loud crash as something mechanical failed and stole my nerves away.
More screaming.
More crying.
More shouting.
A loud voice rang over the speakers, struggling to eek out his words.
“Errr…This is…your captain. “I – errrr,” he gasped. “I will not give
in…AHHHHHHH….THEY ARE COMING…HE IS COMING….I…I am sorry Gavin Ashmore.
YOU MUST DIE…I-I-sorry…”
Then nothing but static.
The choking had become unbearable. I couldn’t see the granny anymore
through the smoke.
The plane tipped downward, and I felt weightless. The steep motion was
overwhelming now.
A wave of something like relief and fear of the unknown washed over me
as the shouting, crying, and screaming suddenly died down.
The other passengers must have passed out by now, or given up.
I would die soon also.
I tried to gasp one last breath out, but it was stifled. Rolling my
eyes back into my skull, darkness swallowed me whole.
The last thing I could hear was one more deafening crash.
Then...
Nothing.
------------------------------
A faint light danced in front of my face. I would’ve reached out and
grabbed it if I even had an arm. It felt like my consciousness was
just floating somewhere in limbo. I just was. Time had no meaning – I
could’ve been staring at this thing for the past century and I
would’ve had no idea.
The light exploded in the darkness where I now existed, only to be
replaced suddenly by a figure - a girl in fact.
She must have been something from another world, because she was
singly the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on. In stark
contrast to the chaotic rush before the darkness, she stood calmly
looking down at me. Her skin was porcelain white, while her hair sat
in tight, jet-black ringlets on her head. Her eyes were the purest
blue that could have been created. Flowing white wisps surrounded her
as her dress enveloped her body. On her face, she wore an expression
of pity.
A glowing, fiery ring appeared before my view. The girl held it
without getting burned.
I tried to reach her, but it felt at the moment like I was just an
observer, not an actor in the play. She spoke, almost singing as she
did so. Though she looked in my direction, it didn’t seem like she was
speaking to me, but to some invisible force.
It sounded like some kind of Latin to me. “Sanetus.”
She repeated it over again, as she reached out her gentle fingers. A
glowing ball of light appeared at the tip of her index finger, and she
placed it where my forehead should have been.
She spoke again, “I have been watching you Gavin Ashmore…you must not
die. You are far too young.”
A blast of radiance engulfed my consciousness. I was being sucked back
into something like a vacuum. Disoriented and dizzy, I now felt bad
for all the bugs I had washed down the drain.
My eyes shot open, but it was still pitch black.
I labored to breathe – something was stifling me like a plastic bag.
Sweat trickled down my forehead, making my eyes sting.
I reached out my now embodied hand and a crinkling rubber sound was
heard. I pinched at it, and could feel something ice cold against my
skin.
I reached my fingertips around it and pulled – Daylight blinded my
eyes like a flash bang.
I bolted up from a black body bag.
“Over here!” Someone shouted. “There’s a live one!”
Chapter 2 – One Week Later
The darkness, the screaming, the fires – I could replay it all as if
it had happened just five minutes ago.
My eyes closed for a minute, but then “CRASH!”
My forehead rammed into the wooden surface of the school desk as my
elbow slipped off the corner. Pain shot through my head and arm in
throbbing synchrony. I smirked, cringing as a dozen eyes turned my
direction, the class obviously distracted from the lesson on STD’s.
“Miracle Boy is looking for attention again I think – Dad has him set
up for a shrink.”
I hated that name.
Christian,
ReplyDeleteI love the revisions. The opening airplane crash scene is still my favorite part. I like what you’ve added, and you do a good job writing action. I love that you incorporated the angel/body bag scene. Great description of waking in a body bag. And I like the addition of the Miracle Boy nickname.
A few suggestions (take or leave any of them):
1. In my first suggestions, I wanted more airplane, but on second read, I think you could tighten it up and remove anything that isn’t essential. Is the granny essential? The Ramones t-shirt detail? The self-questioning. Also, I would change burnt steel to burnt aluminum.
2. In the second part, I might add Gavin questioning if he was dead or in heaven or the afterlife...something that gives the reader a clue...even a “so this is what happens when you die…” Also, when the girl says Gavin must not die, is it because he is too young or too important? Those would have different levels of importance.
3. I would let the reader know that Gavin pulled a zipper…”I reached my fingertips around the zipper and pulled…”
4. I think you can tighten up some of your phrasing by eliminating unnecessary wording. For example:
“The last thing I could hear was one more deafening crash.”
“The last thing I heard was a deafening crash.”
“The engine sputtered on my right side as it completely gave out.”
“The engine sputtered and quit.”
I don’t write any of these suggestions as an expert. I struggle with my writing all the time...especially with the first draft. You are a great writer, and I love this story. I hope to be able to read more.
Christian,
ReplyDeleteYou've made some great revisions, and this version of your story really sucked me in and grabbed me! I think shortening the sentences and paragraphs in the opening made it feel more suspenseful.
The pilot's message on the intercom was really surprise and an interesting twist. I also have a feeling that the granny is somehow involved. If so, maybe subtly involving her when the pilot comes on the intercom. Or, (if she is non-human) say how weird it is that she was so calm.
I really like your chapter 2, especially how the MC feels the terror of the accident again. I feel like something that traumatic would definitely haunt you for a long time!
Miracle Boy was a nice surprise. I can definitely see how teenagers could use that and run with it, especially the allusions to Christianity!
I had a few suggestions below (please feel free to take or leave what you would like!).
1. The opening is very action packed and the sense of speed is good. One thing I wanted to mention is why should I care if Gavyn lives or dies? I haven't had a chance to meet him yet. You mentioned in an earlier version that he was flying to see his grandmother. Maybe slip in here something about his character that would make us root for him: his grandmother is sick and he wanted to go take care of her or something like that.
2. What was the large shape that reached down for the flight attendant? Was it a person or something non-human?
3. When Gavyn bolts up from the body bag, is it at the crash site? or is it at the morgue? It sounded like the crash site, but I wasn't sure. Maybe adding a few descriptions of what he sees when he pops out of the bag will help ground us in a location.
4. What if you inverted these two paragraphs? That way Gavyn sees the girl holding the fire without being burned, and then thinks she is otherworldly. It makes the logic more plausible.
She must have been something from another world, because she was
singly the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on. In stark
contrast to the chaotic rush before the darkness, she stood calmly
looking down at me. Her skin was porcelain white, while her hair sat
in tight, jet-black ringlets on her head. Her eyes were the purest
blue that could have been created. Flowing white wisps surrounded her
as her dress enveloped her body. On her face, she wore an expression
of pity.
A glowing, fiery ring appeared before my view. The girl held it
without getting burned.
Overall, great job! I look forward to reading your next revision. You have an interesting story here!
Thank you to both of you! Great comments:) Again, I can't wait to revise!
ReplyDeleteChristian,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the changes you made and think your revision is stronger. I love the voice we are starting to hear from Gavin. His comments about the seat belt, his descriptions of how he feels during the plane’s descent, his feeling about the new nickname at school are all wonderful. I think you also added some useful information we wanted to have, like where he was heading, and hinted strongly that he is the sole survivor of the crash (“Miracle Boy”).
In the plane scene, I think the behavior of the other passengers was more realistic. I wonder about the position of the old woman though. She is sitting in front of him and then later holds his hands. This means she would have to turn around and crane over the seat. Why not move her next to or across from Gavin? I think it would make sense then that he pays so much attention to her if she is close. As a knitter, I also still feel like she wouldn’t be knitting during this incident. Mechanically, it would be too hard. Maybe he could comment that she had stopped knitting and now just grips it close to her chest.
There were a few places I feel you could still tweak the language to be more concise and immediate. Lines like, “I reached out my now embodied hand and a crinkling rubber sound was heard. I pinched at it, and could feel something ice cold against my skin,” could be improved with active verbs. (ex. I scratched and pinched the crinkling plastic until I felt something ice cold.). Removing unnecessary words would keep the pacing tight during these emotional scenes. I LOVE the last line of your first chapter.
I also really like the changes you made to chapter 2. I definitely am seeing the impact of the plane crash on his regular world. I can’t wait to read more!
Christian,
ReplyDeleteYour revisions are fantastic! Excellent work! The plane crash feels so much more immediate and intense. I really enjoyed reading this; I was completely pulled in. I could picture what was happening, and I felt scared for Gavin.
I’ll give my thoughts chronologically then add a few overall comments at the end.
Again – great action during the plane crash. I wonder if you could sprinkle just a few pieces of his character into the action so we get a sense of who he is. Maybe instead of listing the questions racing through his mind, sprinkle them throughout the scene to show his sense of desperation and build his voice and background a bit?? (Not sure if that will work – just an idea). I still love the line about the Ramones concert t-shirt. In the last draft, you said something like he might die in his favorite shirt – I loved that line. I thought that did such a great job of showing us just a piece of who he is.
I love the addition of the pilot indicating this crash is because of Gavin. So intriguing and intense! I’d imagine Gavin would react to it. Showing us his reaction could also help establish who he is. Don’t get me wrong, I think you’ve done a great job of introducing him to us. This might just add to our understanding of him.
I loved that you slowed down the Afterlife scene. You really gave me a chance to sink my teeth into it.
I also loved the scene at school. His reaction feels authentic as well as the response he receives from the kids around him. I LOVE that they’re calling him Miracle Boy – brilliant!!
Overall:
1. This is so nit-picky, but there might be just a small handful of sentences you could still tighten up: I smelled a pungent combination of gasoline and burnt steel. OR A pungent combination of gasoline and burnt steel attacked my nose. (Okay – attacked is a dumb word here – just looking for something stronger than “made”)
2. Again – great revisions. You did a great job strengthening your pages!
Thank you both of you for the comments! I really appreciate the feedback - I've already started the next revision and tightening the language up more. Excited for you to read the next one!
ReplyDeleteChristian, you've made a lot of good revisions on these pages. I think the first section not only reads smoother now, but it's more visual and sensory as well. A couple of the new elements raised questions in my mind, in particular the shape reaching down toward the flight attendant, and what the captain says, using the Gavin's name and the "he is coming". It made me wonder if any of this was happening at all, or if this might all just be in Gavin's mind.
ReplyDeleteThere were a couple of sentences in the first section that I think detract from the power of the scene and, if it were my piece, I would cut. They are:
"...in reply from the chicken sandwich I had eaten earlier." (I would just use "My stomach lurched" and leave it at that.)
"Unaware I was screaming at the top of my lungs, my disembodied self finally came to the realization. Fear had taken hold." (All of this is clear from the text. It's cleaner and stronger without these lines.)
I also wonder if it would be stronger to end on "the last thing I heard was a deafening crash", and cut the "then...nothing". The "nothing" line feels false to me.
One other thing that struck me in the first section was the voice. Gavin is a young man, but at times he doesn't sound like it. Phrases such as "I indulged", "I succumbed to the engulfing darkness", "for whom I had boarded this death trap of a plane ride". The voice is so formal. In other places, though, it's snarky and almost flippant, which strikes me as odd given the situation. There's an echo of the word "stupid". I suggest listening for and trying to lock in on Gavin's voice. Be aware of when your author voice is creeping in there.
Many of my comments for the second section are along the lines of the first.
The voice still doesn't feel right to me. It still has a level of formality to it that sounds more like an author than a character. When you find his voice, it should all fall into place, though.
Beware of using passive language. "I reached out my now embodied hand and a crinkling rubber sound was heard." The "was heard" of this sentence is passive. Who hears the sound?
I didn't understand the bugs in the drain line. Not only did it feel disconnected from what was happening, the tone felt wrong to me. I would cut it.
Last week I mentioned keeping this scene as close to Gavin's observation and experience as possible, and avoiding his commentary or judgment of the situation as much as possible. In many ways this revision is better in this area. I like the descriptions and the movement of the scene, from disembodied to being in touch with his body. However there are still a few lines that feel like jumps of logic or things he wouldn't understand in that moment. For example, "She must have been something from another world" and her speaking "to some invisible force". These feel too much like commentary, which doesn't feel right for such an incredible experience. When you're in a state of awe and wonder, are you analyzing? They're two different kinds of thinking. Two different parts of the brain. We just don't work that way. I suggest cutting commentary or judgment statements and anything that's conjecture or outside of his immediate experience in that moment.
I would suggest this for the Chapter 2 section as well. Keep it physical until after the crash (which I wouldn't put in quotations, since that indicates someone speaking) and everyone is looking at him. Then is a good time for commentary, such as him hating the name Miracle Boy. I would start with him closing his eyes for just a second, then crash (in italics) and him realizing he smacked his elbow, etc.
I hope these comments are helpful. You're doing good work here. Keep going. Keep finessing it and tightening it. And most of all, find Gavin's voice.
Amy
Nice revision! I definitely like the added touches, though I think you can make them even smoother within the text - maybe describe the large form leaning down for the flight attendant and does he think he's hallucinating? Was it just the smoke? Did the pilot just use his name? No he has to be crazy, etc.
ReplyDeleteOnce again you need to pass through for language use. I think though your word choices are nice, the sentences don't have the right flow to them. Think streamlined and sparse. Sometimes less is more. And again don't separate us from the action by saying things like: "aware of a horrible noise filling the air." it can be a horrible noise filled the air. Or "The
smell of gasoline and burnt steel made a pungent combination in my
nose." We get it's his nose because of the word pungent. Simplify. There are a few other places where you can eliminate things like I became aware that.. or similar such wording. Just state what he's aware of and we get it's through his viewpoint. Trust yourself.
As far as voice, you have it, I can tell, you just need to immerse yourself completely. It comes out in lines like: "Like that little piece of fabric was going to help." I'd suggest doing a page or two in first person just as an exercise. That really helped me when I first started. Or some character exercises like interviewing your character.
I'm definitely intrigued by all the clues and I think you're doing well. Keep going!