Name: Christian Ratcliffe
Genre: Middle Grade; Steampunk
Title: Blackwood's Swamp
Pitch:
Eleven-year-old William Kelley dreams of inventing a time machine to discover his past. When a mysterious visitor gives William an instruction manual for building a time machine, William may discover more than he bargained for.
The time machine transports his uncle’s houseboat through time and space to the world of Ventoria, a place where inventors are able to change dirt into any fantastical whim of the mind. Instantly, William feels at home amongst all the gears, steam, and inventions galore. The problem is, William can’t even get dirt to wiggle.
William also has no lineage to speak of, a societal no-no in Ventoria. If William doesn’t create a fake lineage soon, he will be sent to a prison work camp as a feared criminal.
William’s attempts to create a fake lineage instead lead him to uncover his real one. William soon believes he is the lost heir to the House of Wimberly — the only house in Ventoria with the power to remove evil inventors from their mysterious world. The closer William gets to the truth, the more William finds himself in perilous situations, like at the end of a flying alligator snout.
Someone wants to keep William from claiming ownership of the House of Wimberly…someone with a terrible plan to enslave hundreds of inventors, including William’s best friend. William must learn to invent to save the House of Wimberly and his best friend.
Pages:
April 18, 1955
Mr. Albert Einstein,
My name is William Kelley, and I am trying to build a time machine. I would really love to come to Princeton and meet you, and, if Princeton accepts 11-year-olds, I would really like to study there, too. If you don’t accept 11-year-olds, then that is okay. I can still be your assistant.
There’s been lots of articles written about you, and I’ve read most all of them. I’m glad you think time travel is possible. The kids at school think its stupid, but they aren’t Einsteins either. I think we could build a machine. I could work in the small spaces, even though I’m not too small for an 11-year-old (I only got wedged once this month).
I have lots of good ideas, like making a protective bubble to keep you from becoming a space blob when you travel really fast. And seat belts, that’s a necessity to keep you from flying out when you have to suddenly stop at the year you want. Those are my best ideas. But, I still don’t understand some stuff like the math of time travel, and I hope you can help me understand them.
It’s very important that I build a time machine, as my parents died in a boat wreck when I was a baby, and I would like to go back and keep it from happening. I know that’s being selfish, with the wars and all, but if we go back and save my parents, then someone else can go back in time and save people from the wars.
Mostly, I really want to meet you. If you would like to meet me, please write me back at the address on the envelope.
June 19, 1955
Dear Mr. Kelley,
Thank you for your letter. I regretfully inform you that my respected associate and great friend, Albert Einstein, has passed on from this life to his next great adventure in another life. I am very sorry to hear about your parents. While Albert did believe time travel could be possible, he imagined the possibility in the distant future, and only for traveling forwards, never backwards. Maybe one day you will be the next great mind to solve the issues Albert saw in time travel. Until then, I’ve enclosed a copy of ‘The Meaning of Relativity’ and a photo of Albert sticking out his tongue. If he were alive, he would have sent it himself (he once sent me one as a greeting card). I’m sure Albert would want you to have them both. Best of luck understanding the deepest mysteries in the galaxies.
Truly,
Dr. Otto Nathan
July 18, 1955
Dear Mr. Kelley,
I’ll be arriving on April 18. Tune in at 8:22 in the morning.
CQ
July 25, 1955
William Kelley stared at the ceiling of Uncle Ed’s houseboat, waiting for 8:22 in the morning. The mysterious visitor, CQ, would arrive in only a few hours, and he had been unable to sleep from the possibilities his mind imagined.
Part of William hoped Dr. Otto had given William’s letter to someone else at Princeton, someone who knew about time travel. Maybe the visitor would help him build a time machine. Princeton probably didn’t want everyone to know how to build a time machine, or everyone would always be going and changing history or creating new worlds. But, if they knew William wanted to use the machine for good, then maybe they would help him.
A loud stomping of boots came from the front porch. The visitor!
William jumped up from his sofa bed, heart thumping, and searched the ground for his only pair of jeans. He didn’t want the visitor catching him in his undies. In the back corner of the sofa, he found his jeans. As he placed one leg in his pants, the front door swung open. William froze.
Uncle Ed stood in the door, wrapped in his trapping gear. His silver hair and beard were splattered with mud and sprawled around his tan face like a bird’s nest. Behind him, Troubles, William’s grayish blue Great Dane, jumped around the front porch, trying to lick a butterfly.
Of course, it wasn’t the visitor, it was too early in the morning. William sighed in relief and finished pulling on his pants.
“That dog near scared all the fish and frogs outta the swamp. The water would move and off he’d be tryin’ to lick whatever it was. Even tangled a few of my nets.” Uncle Ed dumped his trapping gear on the table.
Uncle Ed’s sleeves were rolled above his elbows, revealing most of his tattoos, several of them a bit faded. One tattoo, in particular, stood out, it was a red flower with four petals, tattooed across an old scar on his hand. Uncle Ed told William it was a Daphne flower. The flower didn’t match any of the other tattoos on Uncle Ed’s arms, which were mainly constellations. Uncle Ed’s body was one big star map.
Uncle Ed whistled, and Troubles bounced into the houseboat, his legs sliding underneath him and his ears flopping. Troubles was caked in mud, and his tongue hung out, dripping slobber. He shook his body, scattering dirt, and pounced on top of William, almost knocking him to the ground. Troubles gave William several slimy licks. William laughed and pushed Troubles off him.
“I managed to get a few frogs though. Took ‘em to Dock Giffin.”
Dock Giffin owned the only store in Swamp Hollow, except, it wasn’t just a store - it was also a restaurant, post office, and hotel. So, Dock Giffin would be the first to know if a stranger was in town.
“He gave me something for you.” Uncle Ed searched his pockets till he found a crinkled envelope in his back pocket. He held it for a moment, then said, “Another letter for you.”
The envelope was plain, similar to the envelope William received a week ago. William tore into it, nearly ripping the letter in half. He unfolded a piece of paper and read it aloud.
“Remember 8:22 in the AM. Build your own, or I will know. CQ.”
“Build my own what?” The first letter made little sense, and now this letter made even less sense.
William’s books and magazines littered his desk. He pushed his copies of the Time Machine and The Chronicles of Narnia off a wooden box. Inside the box, the first letter, crinkled and dirty, laid on top of several newspaper clippings, broken watches, and the picture of Albert Einstein.
The handwriting on both letters looked the same. The envelope from the first letter had a postage stamp from New Orleans, unlike the letter from today. William whooped. Whoever left him the letter was in Swamp Hollow.
“Did Dock say who left this?” William asked eagerly. “Anyone new in town?”
“Dock did mention there was a new houseboat. Came in yesterday eve.”
“What?” William navigated around his time machines plans covering the floor, trying not to scatter them, and pressed his face to the dockside window. He peered down both sides of the dock looking for a new houseboat, but all the boats were old and familiar. He didn’t remember seeing a new houseboat last night either.
“Boat left early this morning. Dock said he thought it was a woman.”
First Five Pages Writing Workshop: Jump Start Your Novel and Career
Christian, I apologize for not commenting last week. Work took precedence and I realized Sunday that I hadn't gotten to your five pages.
ReplyDeleteI'll start with this: I think you found your voice. As I mentioned in my previous comments, I felt that your voice was too grownup for an eleven-year-old. I have a ten-year-old and your previous voice was much too sophisticated. Now, your POV sounds like a young child. I love his ambition for wanting to go work with Albert Einstein and that he just dismisses that even if he doesn't want to work with him, he'll still be the assistant. Very cute!
I have mixed feelings about starting the story off with the letters. I'm curious to see what others will say. Although cute, I'm wondering if the letters, especially with Einstein are significant to the plot. It's hard to tell with only seeing the first five pages, but unless it comes up again, I'm wondering if they would be better off just being mentioned.
Also, why is the first letter from the stranger so cryptic? The second is only slightly better. Is there a significant reason for this?
Also I sort of laughed when you introduced Dock Griffon. Dock is an interesting name for city of houseboats.
You mention in your pitch that the stranger gives him an instruction manual for a time machine, but in this chapter when he hasn't met the stranger yet, he's got time machine plans. This confused me a little. Did he get it from the stranger already or are these his or Albert Einstein's?
Regarding your pitch, I have a lot of thoughts that I think want to mull over for a bit. I think you might be giving too much away, but I'm not sure. When you have a chance, drop me an email at wendyspinale@gmail.com so that I can chat with your further.
Great revision! I feel like we're getting to the story quicker and I love that we meet your MC right from the start. Nice job!
Hi Christian,
ReplyDeleteI'm going to comment on your pages first and your pitch last.
I love William's voice in the letter. It comes through so strong, and I really like how optimistic, gutsy and hopeful he is. Great character there.
This is nitpicking but would William sigh in relief that it's his uncle instead of the visitor? I could see him sighing, but not in relief.
Also nitpicking, but I would move the daphne flower tattoo mention to the same sentence as when Uncle Ed dumps his trapping gear onto the table. Something like, "...dumped his trapping gear on the table, and William caught a glimpse of the daphne flower tattoo." Then explain what that is and how his body is a map of tattoos. If Uncle Ed's tats are always visible, then it's a little odd that William would spend so much time focusing on that particular tattoo at this moment. But if it's in a place he doesn't always see -- like near Ed's elbow or something, under his shirt sleeve--then it would make sense for him to see it.
When you revise this week, read your pages out loud and listen for word echoes. There aren't too many, but there are a few you should get rid of. For example, with the letter, "for you" echoes a couple of times. Cut the second "for you" and it not only strengthens the impact of there being another letter, but it gets rid of the echo. But look for that kind of thing throughout. Getting rid of echoes really tightens up the prose.
Hearing William read the second letter out lout made me want to know what the first letter said. Any way to get it into the beginning? Maybe William has it memorized, from repeating it over and over to himself? Or perhaps when he pulls the first letter out, we can get the text of that one then?
The houseboat paragraph at the end could use some tightening. Try to get the same meaning across in a more concise manner.
Overall, I think the pages are strong. You've done a lot of work, and it shows.
As for the pitch:
I think it's too long and gets too convoluted. If I were writing this pitch, I would try to pare it down to one paragraph, two at most. It needs to be tight. It needs to introduce the character, what he wants, what's at stake, who he's against, and what happens if he fails.
You can wrap the first paragraph into the second by saying something like, "When a mysterious visitor gives 11 year-old William instructions for building a time machine, he transports his uncle's houseboat through time and space..." And you've cut down three sentences to one. It keeps the heart of what you're saying but tightens it up. I would do that kind of thing throughout.
I also would bring in the "someone" force working against him finding his lineage sooner. If you now the name of the character or who it is in general, I would consider identifying the person in the pitch.
It feels like that person's plans of enslaving people is pretty integral to the plot. But most of the pitch is spent on William and his inability to do magic and his lineage. I would consolidate those points to get to the conflict sooner. And make it clear what's at stake and what will happen if he fails.
Sometimes when I'm writing pitches, I read them in the "movie trailer guy" voice to see if they work. Imagine the trailer as you read it out loud. If it goes on too long, cut it back. Every sentence should ratchet up the interest and tension. Remember, this is a hook. Just like in fishing. You have to make it tantalizing, so they'll bite.
I hope that's helpful! It's been fun reading your work these past couple of weeks. What an inventive (ha) idea you have for this story! Wishing you all the best with this and your writing journey!
Amy
Hello Christian,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your revision and pitch with us!
Your pages have evolved quite a bit, and they now read like a true middle grade voice. Well done! I do think the characterization in the initial letter could be stronger at a sentence/word level. Some of the vocabulary is a bit generic. Give us your character at 150%. We need a couple of phrases that catch our eyes or make us laugh to encourage us to read on.
Regarding your pitch:
Eleven-year-old William Kelley dreams of inventing a time machine to discover his past. When a mysterious visitor gives William an instruction manual for building a time machine, William may discover more than he bargained for.
> YOU CAN CUT THIS FIRST SECTION. INSTEAD, CONSIDER OPENING WITH: "Eleven-year-old William Kelley transports his uncle's houseboat through time and space..." THIS DROPS US DIRECTLY INTO THE ACTION OF YOUR PITCH. THAT IS YOUR INCITING MOMENT.
The time machine transports his uncle’s houseboat through time and space to the world of Ventoria, a place where inventors are able to change dirt into any fantastical whim of the mind. Instantly, William feels at home amongst all the gears, steam, and inventions galore. The problem is, William can’t even get dirt to wiggle.
> THIS IS GREAT. WE HAVE OUR HERO'S PROBLEM RIGHT AWAY.
William also has no lineage to speak of, a societal no-no in Ventoria. If William doesn’t create a fake lineage soon, he will be sent to a prison work camp as a feared criminal.
> NICE ESCALATION OF THE STAKES.
William’s attempts to create a fake lineage instead lead him to uncover his real one.
> THIS LINE FEELS LIKE A LET-DOWN,LIKE YOU ARE GIVING AWAY THE ENDING. TRY COMBINING WITH THE NEXT SENTENCE AND MAINTAINING SUSPENSE. "When William attempts to create a fake lineage, he discovers that he is the lost heir..."
William soon believes he is the lost heir to the House of Wimberly — the only house in Ventoria with the power to remove evil inventors from their mysterious world. [BUT] The closer William gets to the truth, the more William finds himself in perilous situations, like at the end of a flying alligator snout.
Someone wants to keep William from claiming ownership of the House of Wimberly…someone with a terrible plan to enslave hundreds of inventors, including William’s best friend.
> THIS SENTENCE ALSO KILLS MOMENTUM AND IS MORE THAN WE NEED TO KNOW. TRY COMBINING WITH THE COMPLICATIONS ABOVE IN LIST FORM.
William must learn to invent to save the House of Wimberly and his best friend.
> WE NEED MORE OF A PUNCH HERE WITH YOUR CLOSING STAKES. TRY LIST FORM: "William must learn to invent to save the House of Wimberly, his best friend, and his own future." THAT MAY NOT BE ACCURATE TO YOUR STORY, BUT WE NEED TO FEEL LIKE HIS LIFE IS ON THE LINE. BEST FRIEND ISN'T AS COMPELLING AS SAVING A SIBLING OR PARENT, SO WE NEED TO BUMP THAT UP IN A QUERY AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE!
I hope those notes are helpful!
Best,
Melanie
First Five Mentor
From Tanusri:
ReplyDeletePITCH: This story sounds like a refreshing take on time travel. The pitch could be fine-tuned a bit more by removing some of plot details. After the first paragraph (which is great!) perhaps you could condense the plot a bit? For example, we don’t necessarily need to know about the false lineage search, just that William is the lost heir and that he must fight to prove himself and achieve his purpose.
FIVE PAGES: I like the beginning, what a great way to open a story about time travel! Upfront I would add some background to give the reader a sense of who William is: Does he have parents? Where does he live? Is his uncle is caregiver? Some detail about William’s contemporary world at this stage would help provide a greater contrast when he eventually gets to Ventoria. Also, I was confused about one point - the letter said April 18th at 8.22, so why is William waiting for the mysterious stranger on July 25th? Why doesn’t the date on the letter tip him off, especially given his obsession with time travel? On the time-travel theme, I think it is important to focus a bit on how the time-travel component fits into the story. Is it about the ability to travel time itself? Or is time-travel just the conduit to get William into Ventoria, and therefore incidental to the main plot which happens in Ventoria? I personally love the idea of a middle grade that would actually focus on the ability to travel time, and given William’s eagerness not just to travel time but to build the machine itself, you have the perfect opportunity here to work in some science and give more heft to the Einstein references. Either way, it sounds like this could be a really fun adventure! On writing style I would suggest avoiding too many short sentences in one paragraph so that the narrative flows more smoothly. All in all, a promising start!
All best,
Tanusri
Christian,
ReplyDeleteI love this revision and your pitch. I'm going to give you the same advice that I struggle with when I try to write a pitch: boil your plot down to its essential by trying to write a tweet length pitch (140 characters), then build up your pitch from there. Your pitch was good, but there was a lot going on...probably too much. I think less can actually be more with a pitch.
I wonder about the time-travel aspect as well. Is it a major part of the plot or a device to get William to Ventoria? I love time travel stories, and think it would be really cool to have this in a middle grade book.
Your revision is good. I like the letters as a starting point. I almost want more with the third letter though. I think it is supposed to be mysterious, but I wonder if you couldn't build a little suspense by including a few more details. Could it be more sinister sounding? More official? "Dear sir, It's come to our attention that you are attempting to seek certain knowledge and information that could be put to dangerous use. Because of this, I will be arriving on..." Or maybe something like that? Maybe that is not the direction you want to go at all though...you know your story.
I love the direction of your manuscript, and I hope I get the chance to read more!
Christian,
ReplyDeleteI think your pitch is a great start! I agree with Dan that you could go through and narrow it down to the main points - ie what is the main conflict, what is your character's dreams/hopes, and what could stand in the way of those hopes? From your pitch though, I am really excited to see where the book goes, with the topic of time travel and such. If you can thin down your pitch to two paragraphs I think you will be right on!
Thanks and best of luck!
Christian S
I love your writing. Your revisions on your pages are strong. William becomes clearer and clearer every time. I love his voice, his enthusiasm and his naiveté. From your pitch, I can tell this is a book that kids will be drawn to. I actually liked the first pitch you sent to me a bit better. It was a bit more clear and infused with voice. I just loved your first two lines of that first pitch. That said, I've already told you I'm terrible at queries. Perhaps finding a balance between these two will be exactly what you need. Best of luck to you Christian! I'm excited to see where you go with this story! You're a fantastic writer!
ReplyDeleteHi Christian,
ReplyDeleteI have enjoyed reading your story and seeing how much it has changed. I think the new letters work much better and like the touches you added to William’s room to show what he enjoys. One note about your mention of The Chronicles of Narnia. It might be best to just give the first book instead of naming the entire set since the last book came out in 1956, a year after your current setting.
I did wish we could see William doing something in the opening scene, more than just waiting. He’s excited for the visitor, but it would be neat to see him even just playing with some little inventions he might have made. It would show us a lot more about his character. I think about the opening to Back to the Future where you see all of Doc Brown’s inventions (like the dog feeding contraption) and you get a picture of what kind of person he is.
I thought your pitch had a lot of information and gave a good sense of where your story is heading. I was a little confused about whether the people in Ventoria use magic or science. Their ability to manipulate dirt compared to William’s lack of ability makes me wonder if he lacks skill or training, or some special ability only people there have. It might be interesting to show William with more skills than he seems to have currently (thinking back to the letter and his admission that he doesn’t understand time travel), but maybe lacking something else that is as important to being an inventor, understanding of human nature, empathy, understanding of moral choices, courage, etc.
Again, I have really enjoyed your pages and think you have an exciting premise. Best wishes as you continue to work on it!