Sunday, July 10, 2016

1st 5 Pages July Workshop - Lollis Rev 1

Name: Dan Lollis
Genre: Middle Grade Sports
Title: Scratch


Ladies and gentlemen, it all comes down to this putt.


I looked down at the golf ball, licked my lips, and spread my feet.


If he can make this putt, Win Moore, the pint-sized 8th grader, will become the youngest champion in golf history.


I lined up the putter and tightened my grip.


The hushed crowd waits in anticipation.


I let my mind go blank, pulled back my putter in one smooth motion, and then brought it forward. The putter made a satisfying PING as the ball jumped off the turf and shot towards the hole 25 feet away.


And the putt is away. Moving a little left-to-right. This ball has a shot.


I loosened my grip and leaned to the right — willing the ball to move in that direction.


Win Moore likes his putt. But does it have enough speed?


“Come on. Get legs,” I whispered under my breath as I moved towards the hole.


Almost there! But will it make it? The—ball—is—


The ball slowed to a stop, froze on the edge of the hole, and seemed to debate whether to move another fraction of an inch and fall in.


“Drop,” I whispered.


The ball shifted slightly and then—CLINK.


It’s in the hole! He made it, ladies and gentlemen! Win Moore has won the championship with that amazing putt!


I jabbed my putter toward the sky and karate chopped the air in front of me, as I ran to the hole and grabbed my ball. After kissing it, I held it up for all to see.


Someone cleared his throat behind me.


“Hey, kid? Are you done yet?” asked a dad with two little kids. “We paid for the 18-hole early bird special.” He leaned against the rainbow-colored windmill and crossed his arms while his two bratty kids swung their putters like swords and hit each other.


“Sorry, didn’t see you there,” I mumbled and ran away without making eye contact. I gripped my putter, crawled under the fence, and ran into the clubhouse. The bell on the door jingled as I went inside. Mom’s head was buried in a book, and she didn’t look up from behind the cash register at the counter.


“Welcome to Putt Putt Palace. Home to 36 holes of putt-erifc miniature golf and the best—”


“Mom, it’s me,” I interrupted. “You can quit the sales speech.”


She looked up and smiled, took a gulp of coffee, and shoved her nose back in one of her battered mini-golf maintenance manuals. “You’re out practicing early today. How’s the course?” I never understood how Mom could read and talk at the same time.


I glanced around the clubhouse. At the duct tape holding together part of the cash register. At the piece of cardboard over the broken front window. And at the flickering neon sign above the golf ball dispenser that read “PRESS BUTT    FOR BALL”. The letters O and N burned out last summer, and Mom said that they were super-expensive to replace. I wish she would just turn it off.  Do you know what teenagers do when they see a sign like that?


“This course is a dump, Mom, no matter how much you work on it. The windmill isn’t spinning — again. And something is wrong with the fountain on number three. Instead of nice blue water instead, it’s spewing brown foam that smells like sewage.” I gagged a little at the memory.


Mom plopped her book down on the counter. “This place isn’t a dump,” she said as she scanned the clubhouse and scratched her chin. “It just needs a little—work. How did you putt this morning?”


I shrugged my shoulders. “Okay—I guess.”


“Did you win your championship?” Mom asked with a smile.


My face reddened, and I pulled my cap down low.


“Oh come on, Edwin!” I see you talking to yourself out there and jumping around like a maniac when you make a long putt. You think you’re the only one that ever pretended to be a sports star?”


“It’s stupid,” I said as I shoved the putter back in the rack and threw my ball into the giant “PRESS BUTT” ball dispenser. “Besides, it’s just putt-putt. It’s not even a real sport.”


“If it’s in the Olympics, it’s a real sport,” Mom said as she grabbed a screwdriver and tightened the heads of a few putters that had seen better days. “Any professional golfer would tell you—”


“It’s part of a real sport,” I interrupted. “And not even the fun or cool part. Smashing a ball 300 yards off the tee is exciting. Tapping a putt three feet into a hole is a game for little kids.” I waved my hand toward the window so Mom could see the two screaming, putter-sword fighting kids on hole nine. “See?”


Mom frowned. “Those kids are not getting their free ice-cream cone. The point is, Edwin,” she said as turned and looked at me, “Every shot counts. The three-foot putt is as important as the 300-yard drive. It’s not always about how far you hit it.”


“It is when you’re the shortest kid in the 8th grade and can’t even drive the ball to the fairway,” I mumbled as I grabbed a water bottle and my sack lunch from the fridge behind the counter.


“I gotta go,” I said as Mom tried to reach over and give me a hug, I ducked under her outstretched arms and made it out the front door before she could grab me.


“You’re never too old for hugs from your mom,” I heard her shout as I pulled the door shut. I spun around and literally ran into two teens. They were thick as a brick wall, and I fell flat on my butt.


“Watch it, munchkin! You almost made me spill my drink,” one of them said as he fumbled with his soda can.


“Uh—sorry,” I said as I propped up on my elbows. “I didn’t see you.”


“Short and blind,” the other one sneered. “Maybe your mommy can give you a hug and make it all better.” They both laughed, opened the door, and went inside.


I thought about following them in and getting Mom to kick them out, but what good would that do? Putt Putt Palace needed all the business it could get. Besides, I was used to the jokes about my size. I imagined for the millionth time what it would be like to be tall. I’d finally be able to jump up and touch the ceiling. I would be able to see over the heads in front of me in the movie theatre. And I would be able to hit a golf ball a mile.


I stood up, dusted myself off. I imagined myself on the tee box at Pebble Beach, gripped my imaginary club, closed my eyes, and took a practice swing.


And Edwin Moore crushes his drive. How in the world does someone his size hit the ball so far?


The alarm on my phone buzzed. No more time to play around. I grabbed my bike from the side of the clubhouse and took off pedaling. Mr. McManus would fire me if I was late. I swerved past the potholes in the parking lot, dodged the beat up orange cones that kept customers from parking in front of the dumpster, and shot past the crooked Putt Putt Palace sign begging customers to “TURN HERE FOR FUN-CREDIBLE, FUN-BELIEVABLE MINI-GOLF.

9 comments:

  1. Dan,
    Great job on your rewrites! I really love your story! Your character has a lot of personality, and is definitely a tween.

    I think putting the thoughts about golf in italics really helped! It reads much more smoothly, and I can hear the character as he is thinking those things about his golf game.

    I liked how you added that the mom was reading a manual about fixing golf courses. It somehow made it seem funnier that everything was a dump.

    One question that I thought about this go around (not sure if you want to address or not), but how did they come to owning the putt putt? Was it a recent purchase? Or had they had forever? A family inheritance? Again, not sure if you want to address that in the opening.

    I really love your story, and I think kids would too. You're a great writer!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dan,

    Love the rewrite! I have no doubt any kid (and adult) would love to read this. Your characterization of "Win Moore" is perfect, and he is completely lovable.

    The only thing that comes to mind that you could do is maybe ease the transition our of his daydream back into reality.

    For example:

    You could do something like this..

    I jabbed my putter toward the sky and karate chopped the air in front of me, as I ran to the hole and grabbed my ball. After kissing it, I held it up for all to see.


    Someone cleared his throat behind me.

    Suddenly I was no longer a golf pro, but an awkward eight year old standing smack dab in the middle of the green as the windmill creaked in front of me.

    “Hey, kid? Are you done yet?” asked a dad with two little kids.

    --Something to that effect maybe? It's your call of course, but I think it might work well for your story:) Anyway, I love the direction it's going.

    Thanks,

    Christian

    ReplyDelete
  3. Christian,
    Thanks! This is perfect and is a great idea for the transition!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dan,

    I like the changes you have made in this draft! The opening section read much more smoothly to me without the quotes and was easier to understand. I also think you did a good job improving the dialogue between Win and his mom back in the shop. It seems more natural. I do think she still goes on a little more than needed in her advice. I think some of this could be saved for later when he starts to run into the conflicts in the story.

    I also think Win came across a little harsh when calling the golf course a dump. It made him seem unhappy to be there and I wondered if that was really the way he felt. He seemed to enjoy himself when having his tournament. I think it is totally understandable for him to feel embarrassed by the run-down spots. Maybe it would be useful to include a detail that shows how it got that way. Did his mom buy a run-down mini-golf course, or has she just had low business (competition? local economy?) and has not been able to keep it up. I keep thinking that having money would help the situation and it makes me feel that winning a tournament of some type with a cash prize would be motivating for Win, especially if his mom could lose her business.

    Win also seemed a little negative about his height and its affect on his ability to play golf. I’m not sure where this is coming from. Has he been cut from a team? Does he want to try out but hasn’t had the courage to yet? I am not a golfer but looked up a little information on golf and height and read an article that mentioned types of swings and even the placement and movement of hands can compensate for the smaller arc a shorter person would have. I wonder if Win has any golf heroes that he aspires to be like or discovers one early on. Does he meet someone who can coach him? It might give him more motivation to learn how to play well despite his perceived disadvantage.

    Lastly, you mention that he is in 8th grade and that surprised me. He is definitely reading younger to me, more like 6th grade. Maybe it's because he talks about teens several times and if he's an 8th grader, he'd likely be a teen already (12-13). Is it important to the plot that he be in 8th grade? If not, you might consider aging him down.

    Again, I love the changes you have made so far and look forward to reading more!

    ReplyDelete

  5. I still like this.

    I think it might be more emphatic if you dropped: "Someone cleared his throat behind me,” and just went with: “Hey, kid? Are you done yet?”

    And then he needs to turn around, right? And that is when you can describe the dad and his two sons. Just a small suggestion.

    **********

    Mom frowned. “Those kids are not getting their free ice-cream cone.
    VERY funny. Maybe she says it distractedly. Or maybe she whispers. Nice moment.

    ******

    I noticed on this read-through that you use the word "as" when describing a character's actions. For example:

    “If it’s in the Olympics, it’s a real sport,” Mom said as she grabbed a screwdriver and tightened the heads of a few putters that had seen better days.

    Perhaps it might be more active if it were: “If it’s in the Olympics, it’s a real sport,” Mom said. She grabbed a screwdriver and tightened the heads of a few putters that had seen better days.

    It feels more active.

    In this instance, there are two that follow each other very quickly. I put them in all caps, since we can't bold here. (Or at least I don't know how.)

    “It’s stupid,” I said AS I SHOVED the putter back in the rack and threw my ball into the giant “PRESS BUTT” ball dispenser.


    “If it’s in the Olympics, it’s a real sport,” Mom said AS SHE GRABBED a screwdriver and tightened the heads of a few putters that had seen better days. “Any professional golfer would tell you—”

    I think less is more when it comes to this. Just something to think about.

    So yeah, this is still very good. You've got something really nice here. Nice revisions. Best of luck with it!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dan-

    I’m so blown away by everyone’s rewrites – yours is no exception. I felt this was so much stronger. Great characterization of the mom. She felt much more solid. Great references to his height. You added these earlier on, which I think helped me get a better, quicker sense of who he is. Your dialogue seemed smoother and more believable. Great joke from the other teenagers about the hug from the mom. I like that you ditched the reference to him singing “All I do is win, win, win” – I’m typically not a fan of something that immediately dates a piece like that. I really only had one critique, so after that I’ll comment on really good points that everyone else made. I hope that’s not cheating! I was really impressed with your rewrite!

    1. My one critique (and this is SO nit-picky I almost didn’t mention it) is when Edwin comes into the mini-golf office, the mom goes into a spiel without looking up from her book. That moment felt a little forced. I like how you use it to introduce us to Putt Putt Palace. I’m just not sure she’d be so preoccupied she’d miss it’s her son walking through the door. Maybe shorten the spiel? Or could she be turned around reading her book? Could the phone ring, and she picks it up and answers it that way? Just a thought – feel free to take it or completely ignore it.

    2. I really liked Christian’s transition. That sounded perfect! Lisa had a good point about Edwin calling the place a dump. Can you show he’s embarrassed of it without sounding harsh and resentful towards it? She also had a good point about his age. I teach 7th grade. This felt more like a 7th grader than an 8th grader. That said, I didn’t think of it myself until I read her comment. ;) Ronald Smith’s note about “as” made me want to go back through my MS too. Excellent advice!

    And that’s all I have. I can easily picture a middle school kid getting into this book. You have something really great here!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hey Dan,

    I liked your submission last round and I like it even more this round. Great job with the revisions! I have a few more suggestions for you that I think will help strengthen these pages even more.

    1) This is the biggest one -- I'd love to see into your MC's head a little more. First-person narratives are so intimate that they give you a great opportunity to make your MC truly 3-dimensional. (On the flip side, secondary characters' interior lives are mostly off limits with 1st-person.) Anyway, when Win is caught in his fantasy by the dad, you write that he: "mumbled and ran away without making eye contact." I'd love to see what he's FEELING here, not just what he's doing. I'm sure he's embarrassed -- so what does it feel like to be living in his head when he gets called out here? Same goes for when he runs into the teens. We see him fall, but we don't see what he feels. Adding more of that emotion will help us empathize with your MC more and will make him even more relatable.

    2) I like how you sprinkle in bits of information throughout the selection to give us a sense of Edwin's age, stature, etc. But there may be any opportunity to do that in a more effective way in places. For example, look at when Edwin says: "It is when you're the shortest kid in the 8th grade and can't even drive the ball to the fairway." We already know he's in 8th grade from the imaginary announcer. And inserting that info in dialogue feels a little forced to me. Maybe he just says, "It is when you can't even drive the ball to the fairway." Then add the info about him being the shortest kid in his grade to the paragraph near the end where he's thinking about being tall. Seems like it might feel more natural there.

    3) It sounds like Mom is saying that putt-putt is an Olympic sport. I know golf will be reinstated this year, but if Mom is going to use the Olympics as a litmus test, make sure she is clear here (e.g., Putting is the most important part of golf and golf is an Olympic sport) [only not in those words].

    4) Finally, I like how you have the teens mock Edwin because of his mom's comment about hugs. But I'd love to see an even more explicit allusion to Mom's words here. Perhaps after the first teen says, "Maybe your mommy can give you a hug and make it all better," the second teen says something like, "Yeah, you're never too old for hugs from you mom!" That kind of direct repetition can have a nice comic effect.

    That's it for this round. Can't wait to see the next one! Nice job, Dan!

    All best,
    Rob, 1st 5 Pages mentor

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dan, this reads so easily. I really like the changes you've made. I definitely have a better grasp on Edwin's character, his stature and his dreams in particular. I also really like what you did with the mom during their conversation, having her move around more and be more active in the scene.

    Regarding this paragraph: “This course is a dump, Mom, no matter how much you work on it. The windmill isn’t spinning — again. And something is wrong with the fountain on number three. Instead of nice blue water instead, it’s spewing brown foam that smells like sewage.” I gagged a little at the memory. -- I suggest moving "This course is a dump...how much you work on it" to after the gagging. That way he answers her question first, then gives his commentary. It also leads right into her next line.

    I feel like the interaction with the teens could be beefed up a bit more. I had to read it a couple of times to understand the blocking and how they'd know what his mother had said. Would it be possible to change it slightly so the Edwin and the teens have an awkward moment meeting at the door as Mom says the line? As it is now it reads like he's already out the door (doesn't specify if it's closed or not until later) when he meets the teens. It just needs a little tightening there.

    Finally, I wonder what you'd think of moving the final paragraph up to just before he stands up and dusts himself off. (After "I would be able to hit the golf ball a mile".) Then have the chapter end on him taking that practice swing and hearing the commentator wondering how someone so small can hit it so far. If you do that, the commentator/fantasy creates a nice framework around the chapter, and it leaves the reader with the image of Edwin rather than of the Putt Putt Palace.

    Really good work, Dan. Looking forward to seeing Edwin next week.

    Amy

    ReplyDelete