Sunday, May 15, 2016

1st 5 Pages May Workshop - Narayanan Rev 1

Name: Priya Narayanan
Genre: Middle Grade - Slice of Life, Humor
Title: The Promise
 
Once upon a time, I made a promise.
 
Now, I’m not one to make promises since more often than not, I end up breaking them. It is as though promises were invented only to be broken -definitely the invention of a cruel mind. You goad someone into believing you, rely upon you for something of great importance and then 

SMASH! 

You simply break the promise along with the person’s heart. NOT a good idea. But that’s not to say nobody should make a promise. You want to make one? Go ahead . . . but hey, make sure you know to whom you’re making it out to. 
 
Your friend? Cool. 
That girl you have a crush on? Umm . . . fine.
Your best friend? Red Alert! 
 
But your mother? NEVER!! 
 
Never ever make a promise to your mother. Especially if your mom is anything like mine. Amma has the knack of coming up with punishments (she calls them ‘self-enrichment exercises,’ by the way) that seem harmless at first glance but manage to make my life miserable nevertheless.
 
Take the Case of the Unfinished Assignment from a few months back, for instance. I promised her I’d complete my EVS assignment soon as I finished watching my favorite TV show. Just as I was about to turn off the TV as promised, a trailer for the latest Batman movie jumped out at me and I thought, ‘won’t do me no harm in sneaking a look, will it?’ But then, the next show started without warning and I was drawn into the curious plot revolving around banana-eating aliens. The next thing I knew, it was time for dinner followed by bed. 
 
When I came back with a note from the teacher the next day, Amma let out an exasperated sigh that said, ‘Why ‘O why did I want a second child when my life was just fine with one!’ I spent the next weekend in the neighborhood nursery where I received hands on experience in the topic of my missed assignment – composting and vermiculture. YUCK!
 
So, call me a chicken if you must, but I choose not to make a promise at all. 
 
But wait . . . hasn’t someone somewhere said ‘Never say Never’?
 
So welcome to that doomed moment in my life when I made a promise to . . . you guessed it, my mother. Early one morning, when all I wanted was to sleep, sleep and sleep some more, Amma ambled into my room like and angel and left like the devil that had extracted her pound of flesh. Before I proceed to lay before you the transcript of how the table was turned on me, there’s something about me that you must know. If I were to find God and the Devil standing at the crossroads with signs pointing to Heaven and the land where I could indulge in only two activities -TV watching and Sleeping- respectively, I’d choose to follow the latter. That’s how much I love the television. . . and sleep. 
 
So here is what transpired that morning as I lay sprawled on my stomach on the couch, with one hand dangling down and the other hand still gripping the remote control under my chest.
 
“Shamit . . .”
“Mmmm . . .”
“Shamit . . . wake up dear, it’s nine o’clock.”
“Mmmmmmmm . . .”
“SHAMIT! Wake up!! Everyone’s already at the breakfast table. And remember we’ve planned to visit the temple after that?”
“Five minutes Maaaa . . . and in any case, I’m not interested in the temple. You go ahead without me, okay? And wake me up after you’re back.”
“But you promised me you’ll come to the temple this time! Grandpa and grandma are going to be super upset. This is not done!”
Silence.
“Shamit, did you hear me?”
More silence . . . followed by Amma shaking me vigorously, causing the remote to fall to the floor. 
“Oh, so that’s the way it’s going to be . . . huh? Well, you can sleep through the afternoon, right until evening for all I care,” Amma raised her voice quite uncharacteristically. I could see a blurred vision of her picking up the remote and staring hard at it as though her top-secret laser vision would teleport it to the land of the banana-eating aliens for good. “But you get this straight Mister, you break this promise and I’ll make sure you pay for it with a far more torturous one. Do you hear me?”
 
Honest to goodness, I did want to get on my feet right then and follow her to the temple like a dog on a leash. But hey, I’d watched TV until four o’clock the previous night (or early morning if you please). And I now had to choose between one of my favorite things and a darned promise? So you know what I chose.
 
“Mmmm . . . okay Ma, I promise to do whatever you say; just leave me alone okay . . .GO . . . PLEEEASE . . .”
 
Amma was furious. “Okay, have it your way. If your ears are awake, let them know your new promise is that you’ll not watch TV for the rest of the week.” Amma’s voice started off as a whisper and gathered enough decibels along the way to help her achieve the glass-shattering level that only divas at the opera are blessed with. This was followed by a thud, which I assumed was the sound of the remote landing on the rug, and the bang of the door.
 
And then there was silence . . . and sleep. 
                                                
When I finally woke up to narrate my surreal dream to Amma over a mug of hot chocolate, I was met with an icy glare. 
 
“Oh, so it wasn’t a dream . . . okay. No problem . . . umm . . . I was just joking Ma. A promise is a promise. I’ll stand by it . . . okay?” 
 
But Amma’s eyes refused to leave mine. And with that, I stared at the prospect of five TV-less days ahead of me. That the said five days had settled comfortably in the lap of the summer vacations only made matters worse.
 
Surreal Sunday
 
What does one do on a hot summer afternoon if not chill on the couch with a plate of succulent mangoes and TV? But thanks to my promise, all I did the first day of my TV-less ordeal was to wander like a zombie around the house. I was at my wit’s end as to how I’d pass the excessive time that lay at my disposal. I got into everyone’s way as I aimlessly trudged up and down the stairs of our bungalow, inviting innumerable scowls and angry glares. 
 
When Amma decided to tend to her plants, I chugged along behind her, much to her surprise. I had no intension of helping her in her yawn-inducing hobby though, especially after my experience with vermiculture. I simply moved around pulling out sharp blades of grass and plucking leaves off her well-manicured plants. The result was a couple of ferocious looks from her that prodded me to slink away. Clearly, she was still mad at me.
 

As I moved back towards the comfort of my room, the TV – perched like royalty on the stucco-finished white wall – lured me mockingly, like the witch who lured Snow White with her juicy red apples.

11 comments:

  1. The beginning of this reads much clearer. Nice job! There are some spots that seem a little over-explanatory. The part about the Batman trailer, perhaps it could be shortened up a little and in more of a kid voice (imagining a kid this character's age retelling what happened--they may miss details but the point is it's Batman! You want the excitement over the explanation).

    The paragraph that begins: So welcome to that doomed moment... Can you break up this paragraph into smaller sections? This helps the pacing and for it to read faster, and also more manageable for middle grade readers. Reading it over again, you might be able to lose that whole paragraph and go right into the "showing" detail of the back-and-forth conversation with mom.

    Overall, really nice changes :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Steph. I get your thoughts regarding the trims and prunes. Will get down to them in earnest and hope to come up with something better.
      Regards
      Priya

      Delete
  2. Hi Priya,

    Great revisions!! I hope you agree. For me, it all moves faster, and we have a much better idea of what Shamit’s problem is as well as what his poor mother is up against in dealing with him. I love that when she wakes him up now, he’s asleep in front of the TV on top of the remote! We feel the tension between Shamit and Amma that has been building in advance. He’s already broken promises about TV watching to her! Excellent. You show us exactly how he is lured away from his good intentions by all the cool stuff that flashes before him on the tube, even though he had promised to finish his assignment. This all enhances the humor, too. Yes, she’s only asking him to not watch TV for 5 days, but we see just how hard that’s going to be.

    He sounds more age appropriate. His vocabulary now makes him precocious but not so adult sounding.

    And we’re all set to have things escalate from here. (I’d love to hear what happens with Nerdy Nattu ☺)

    Minor questions:
    What’s an EVS assignment? If everyone but me is going to know what this is, then disregard.

    I still wouldn’t mind getting his age slipped in here somehow. (Like Amma saying something like, “in all your twelve years, this has never happened.” Or he states something about seventh grade somewhere, etc.)

    Would you consider applying your “showing” skills to the line, “Amma was furious,” at the beginning of the 8th paragraph up from the bottom. You do it so well elsewhere, with her furious glances and eyes that refuse to leave Shamit’s. Let us see how she looks (to Shamit). Does she gesture? How is she dressed? Is she bigger than he is, or smaller?

    Overall, Priya, well done!

    Yours,
    Ann

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the encouraging words Ann. Am glad I could do better than the last one. I've made a list of all the nags and will get down to addressing them anon.
      And oh, EVS is short for Environmental Sciences. Although it is a known word out here, I think I'll go in for the longer name since it'll have universal recognition.

      Regards
      Priya

      Delete
  3. I liked the first version and I like the second version. Both pull me in and I am curious to know what this big promise is. I like your style and I like the mix of dialogue to narration. It flows well for me and moves well.

    The second full paragraph is a bit awkward. I think playing around with your word choices could solve it though. I absolutely love the next part, about who a promise should and shouldn’t be made. Great!

    The paragraph about the boy coming home with the note from the teacher seems a bit harsh, given that all he did was miss a homework assignment. I know that she is feeling frustrated with him but it is sad to read that his mom is regretting wanting him and says it out loud. Unless this is about how horrible the mother is, I would soften that quote or find another way to have her show her disappointment.

    I don’t have a sense for how old this character is, but I am wondering why he wouldn’t want to go to a friend’s house instead of staying home being bored. Is he not allowed? Does he not have friends within walking distance? Would his mom not drive him? Why not remove temptation by vacating the premises?

    I look forward to reading your next version!
    -Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Julie. I get your take on the mother's reaction. However the mother does not actually feel that way - it is Shamit who imagines it to be his mom's reaction/thoughts. I guess that doesn't come out right the way I've written it now, so I'll rework sentence to give it clarity.

      Regarding Shamit going to his friend's place, I do have that part coming up later in chapter 2 - they just don't fit in in the 1250 word limit!

      Delete
  4. I liked the first version and I like the second version. Both pull me in and I am curious to know what this big promise is. I like your style and I like the mix of dialogue to narration. It flows well for me and moves well.

    The second full paragraph is a bit awkward. I think playing around with your word choices could solve it though. I absolutely love the next part, about who a promise should and shouldn’t be made. Great!

    The paragraph about the boy coming home with the note from the teacher seems a bit harsh, given that all he did was miss a homework assignment. I know that she is feeling frustrated with him but it is sad to read that his mom is regretting wanting him and says it out loud. Unless this is about how horrible the mother is, I would soften that quote or find another way to have her show her disappointment.

    I don’t have a sense for how old this character is, but I am wondering why he wouldn’t want to go to a friend’s house instead of staying home being bored. Is he not allowed? Does he not have friends within walking distance? Would his mom not drive him? Why not remove temptation by vacating the premises?

    I look forward to reading your next version!
    -Julie

    ReplyDelete
  5. Priya,
    Your revisions regarding Amma are great. Now the reader gets a real sense of her - authoritative yet reasonable. Her punishment for the missed assignment is great. I was a bit surprised at the "why did I have a second child" it didn't seem to jive with her other characterization.

    Shamit definitely comes across as impish. His offhanded comments allow that more than before. I'm still not sure about his age. He comes off as older but he may just be mature for his age.

    The paragraph that has "before I proceed" feels too much like telling what you're going to tell. Showing is always better.

    Sorry to say I'm still bothered by the never part. Why say never say never without having said it?

    There are a few wording issues like making it out to, and instead of am which I'm sure you'll address in revisions.

    Looking forward to it!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey Priya,

    
Great revisions. I feel like you really worked on Shamit’s voice, so in this version it feels way more appropriate for MG (but you haven't sacrificed his impish personality at all, which is great). I also love the detail about Shamit being woken up in front of the TV — it really shows us how much he loves TV (and what kind of a problem it will be for him to promise to Amma to not watch for five days!). I also love the idea of a TV program about banana-eating aliens. That is totally what one might find on TV at 3:00 am. :)

    There are a few places that my attention gets snagged:

    — I’m not sure how I feel about this line: “ like and angel and left like the devil that had extracted her pound of flesh.” I’m not sure exactly what you are going for with this, but I can’t seem to make 100% sense of it.

    — And then here, “When I finally woke up to narrate my surreal dream to Amma over a mug of hot chocolate, I was met with an icy glare” — my assumption would be that Amma was at temple when Shamit woke up, no? Maybe Amma could come back and Shamit is watching TV, and he thinks, “It wasn’t a dream? Oh no.” And Amma takes the batteries from the remote and unplugs it, to show how serious she is, or something like that.

    — I’m not sure what an EVS assignment is!

    — There are a few places where the language still feels advanced. For example: “I was at my wit’s end as to how I’d pass the excessive time that lay at my disposal”

    — I’m not sure what the intention is with this line: “Honest to goodness, I did want to get on my feet right then and follow her to the temple like a dog on a leash.” He did want to go to temple? Using the expression “like a dog on a leash” plus “I did want to” is a bit confusing, since “dog on a leash” feels so negative.

    Anyway, can’t wait to see next week. Great work on continuing to develop Amma and Shamit!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am in love with the first paragraph and the Self Enrichment Exercises! I also thought the voice was way more age appropriate. He seems like a smart kid. Except I also don't know what an EVS assignment is.

    One thing that I noticed is that you put TV and Sleep on the same pedestal but clearly he chooses sleep over TV. I would make that kind of distinction somewhere.

    Last thing and it may just be my ignorance but I don't understand the name Amma. Is that his mom's full name and he just calls her that in his thoughts or is that a term of endearment? You may want to think about explaining this for people like me.

    I think this is significantly better than your first one and I really like where this is going. I can't wait to read next weeks.

    Sarah

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Sarah,
      Amma is the Indian word for mother. It is not a name.
      And thanks for the encouraging comments.I am definitely replacing the word EVS!!
      Regards
      Priya

      Delete