Sunday, May 15, 2016

1st 5 Pages May Workshop - Langdon Rev 1

Name: Kate Langdon
Genre: Middle Grade; Contemporary
Title: The Great Rainy Schmidt 

My name’s Lorraine Blatz Schmidt, and before you flip your wig about how stupid of a name that is, you should know I actually go by Rainy, and my fighter pilot call sign is Rain of Death. Mom only ever calls me Lorraine (or “LORRAINE BLATZ SCHMIDT!” when I’m in trouble), but sometimes Dad calls me Rain of Death, which I really do appreciate. I think all fighter pilots probably prefer their call signs over their real names. Except if they have a bad one maybe, like Chuckles or Brillo-pad. 

I’ve got fighter pilots on my mind for two reasons. The first reason is because right now, I’m in the living room watching one of the most classic aerial fights in the history of World War II. The quality is old and fuzzy, since I’m streaming it to the TV from YouTube, but I don’t mind. It was filmed in 1944, after all. This is my favorite clip, the one where my hero, The Great Bambinzo, is almost brought down by his arch-nemesis, the Silver Devil.

“The Silver Devil." I shiver. Just whispering his name out loud is enough to send an icy chill down my spine. 

The second reason I’m thinking of fighter pilots is because tomorrow is the first day of fifth grade and honestly, I’d rather be up against an army of fully loaded enemy warbirds than face going to school tomorrow. I just can’t stand the sad and sorry look people get in their eyes when they look at me now.

Mom is on the phone in the kitchen, and despite the BLASTS! and the BOOMS! of the scrappy P-51 dogfight, I can hear her conversation. 

“It’s been hard,” she says, sighing. “Gerry’s been working double shifts, but we’re barely making ends meet. And Lorraine… oh, my sweet Lorraine. She hasn't been outside all summer, she just wants to sit inside and watch airplane videos. And tomorrow will be the first time she’s really seen any of her friends. Since, you know… The Accident.”

The Accident. Mom always says it the same way, tilting her head to the side and lowering her voice, like it’s a cuss word she doesn’t want me to hear. 

I turn up the volume on the TV. 

The Great Bambinzo has shaken off the Silver Devil for now, but his left wing is smoking, and he’s suddenly flanked by two more enemy planes! In a classic lift, he pulls above them, and then he’s firing, his bullets raining down… rat-a-tat-tat!… he hits one! The enemy plane goes down whistling — PEUUWWWWWWWW — and then explodes — KABOOOOOOM — in a great big fiery ball!

“Lorraine,” Mom says, poking her head in from the kitchen. “Will you turn that down? I’m on the phone.” 

I make a big show of lowering the volume a few levels with the remote and then turn back to the TV.

“Actually, Jessica,” Mom says, “I should go. Can you still stop by next Thursday? Oh, that’s great. See you then. Thanks again for calling.” Mom comes over and plucks the remote from my hands. 

“Hey!” I protest as she clicks off the TV. “It hasn’t even gotten to the best part yet!”

“You can watch more later. It’s a beautiful day,” she says, sweeping her arms toward the window. “Go outside. Get some fresh air, a little sunshine.”

“I don’t need fresh air,” I grumble. “What I need is to see the Great Bambinzo exact his revenge on the Silver Devil.” 

“Go,” Mom says, pointing to the screen door. “I’ll bring you some lunch in a couple of minutes.” 
I sigh dramatically, loud enough so Mom will hear me on her way back into the kitchen. If she does, she pretends not to notice. I sigh again, but this one’s just for me. 

I spin around, and try to figure out what my route will be. I still haven’t gotten used to the turning part. 

“These turns are a real tough nut to crack,” I say out loud. That’s one of the Great Bambinzo’s favorite phrases. He says all sorts of funny, old-fashioned things like horsefeathers, jeepers, and ah, applesauce! This one time, in a radio interview, he was talking about some lady he thought was a good dancer and he called her a ducky shincracker. I laughed so hard that orange juice came out of my nose. 

I maneuver around the couch alright, but I bump into the end table with a loud crack. The lamp rattles, wobbling back and forth, and for a minute I think it’s going to crash to the floor. I’m strangely disappointed when it doesn’t.

I go outside. After a few minutes, Mom joins me on the porch with a PB&J and a bunch of purple grapes. 

“Thanks,” I say, as she sets it down in front of me. She’s still hovering by the door, and I can tell she wants to say something else. I look up at her. “What is it?”
“Well, I was just thinking,” she says, dragging out her words. “Why don’t you give Brie or Sarah a call? Catch up, see how their summers were? You haven’t seen either of them in a while.”

I pop a grape into my mouth and look into the yard. Brie and Sarah have been my best friends since kindergarten. We always hang out at Sarah’s house, because she’s got this killer diller attic that her parents turned into a playroom for her and her brother. You can only get in by tugging on a string that hangs from the ceiling, which pulls down a rickety old ladder. It squeaks and trembles as you climb, and it’s thrilling, because you know that at any second it could fall apart and crash to the floor with you on it. 

But honestly, It hurts something fierce to think about that attic. Sarah’s called to invite me over a few times since she’s been back from camp, but I haven’t wanted to go. Each time she’s asked, I’ve pretended to be sick. And let me tell you, it sure doesn’t help that Mom doesn’t get it. Why don’t you go over to Sarah’s house? she’s been asking me. Why not, Lorraine? Why not?

Well, I want to holler, you can’t exactly climb up a rickety old ladder when you’re stuck in a stupid wheelchair, now can you?

I take a big bite of my sandwich and shrug. “I’ll see them at school tomorrow. I’ll talk to them then.”

Mom’s making the face like there’s still more she wants to say, but this time, I’m the one who pretends not to notice.

“Alright, well…” Mom says, trailing off. She’s looking at a big black crow that’s flapped onto our backyard fence, right by her vegetable garden.

“That’s the thief who’s been stealing my cherry tomatoes!” she says, pointing at the bird with one accusing finger. She runs inside and comes back out with a broom, marches down the stairs and into the yard. 

“Shoo!” she yells, thrusting the broom at the crow. “Shoo!”

The crow hops off the fence, flapping out of reach. He stays like that for a minute and then, horsefeathers!, I can hardly believe my eyes, he executes a perfect dive bomb — like a small, feathered Junker 87 Stuka — right to the cherry tomato plant! He grabs a tomato in his long black beak and flaps his wings again, hovering just above Mom’s broom. 

8 comments:

  1. Hi Kate!

    Once again, I have to tell you how much I just adore this story and Rainy's voice. This is so engaging and well-done.

    I think the changes you've made are working really well here, and I only have two tiny nitpicks to offer you this round! First, in this sentence, "I just can’t stand the sad and sorry look people get in their eyes when they look at me now" -To avoid repeating "look," which you have twice, I suggest changing the second use to "see me now."

    The other thing I wanted to touch on is the line where you say, "I spin around, and try to figure out what my route will be." -I wanted a little more foreshadowing here that she's in a wheelchair. Just some added descriptions that hint at what's going on. I like the actual reveal that she's in a wheelchair where you have it, so not suggesting you change that at all :)

    Other than that, just look for more places to add in references like the YouTube one- that helped ground me in the setting being contemporary, but more couldn't hurt!

    Again, GREAT JOB!

    Sarah
    First Five Pages Mentor

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  2. Hi Kate,
    From what you've written, I get the feeling that Lorraine's accident was fairly recent - sometime during the summer break - and she hasn't yet told her friends about it. Is that so? Then I think everything is just right. There is a good balance of dialogue and narrative and the voice of the character was already perfect to start with. A minor point worth brainstorming over is - why is her mom insisting on her visiting Sarah's house? Wouldn't she rather encourage Lorraine to call her friends home?

    Waiting to see how you better this!
    Priya

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  3. I like the information given in the second paragraph because it helps me understand and picture what she is watching without needing to Google it. I was slightly confused as to whether this is a tv show from the 40s or footage of the war until the last sentence in the paragraph, but it gets cleared up quickly enough which is great.

    I agree with Priya about her mom encouraging her to go to her friend’s house where she knows her daughter won’t be able to do what they enjoy doing at that house. Although I like the imagery of Sarah’s attic and the ladder (and I may be too much of a snow plow mom) why doesn’t Rainy’s mom invite Rainy’s two BFF’s to her house for the afternoon? Her mom seems to be allowing Rainy to distance herself, to wallow in her injury instead of helping her to see that (I hope) her friends love her and not much if anything has changed just because of this accident. Maybe the description of Sarah’s attic can come later and Rainy and her mom could have a conversation about inviting her friends to her house which would keep Rainy where she is most comfortable and allow her the needed time to be with her friends before the first day of school. She can refuse her mom’s suggestion, maintaining the backyard scene.

    Also, I am wondering if/why Rainy’s parents didn’t move the furniture out of the way to make it easier for her to move through the house in her new wheelchair. She seems to need to navigate the furniture where accommodations would likely be made to help her, to simplify her mobility.

    Otherwise though, I like the balance of dialogue to narration and I love the voice. This sounds like a book that I would enjoy reading, as well as would my rising 5th grade daughter. I can’t wait to read the next revision!

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  4. Hi Kate,
    I continue to enjoy getting to know Rainy.

    I have to say I'm a bit sad that you've added the contemporary slant. I loved the authentic feeling the original piece had. So nostalgic. In any regard, it you're going that way, I agree you may want to add more contemporary elements to your setting or language.

    My one major critique involves the new information. I feel that the second paragraph doesn't ring consistent with Rainy's voice. Maybe you're trying to shoehorn information in and it comes off sounding awkward.

    In addition, I think you can take the second tomorrow out of the second reason paragraph since you've already framed the setting.

    I like how you handled the question about why she hasn't seen her friends. I disagree with the comment about foreshadowing the wheelchair though. I like the way you set it up. Rainy seems like an able-bodied girl until you find out otherwise. It plays well.

    Best of luck,
    Sharyn

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  5. Hi Kate,
    I continue to enjoy getting to know Rainy.

    I have to say I'm a bit sad that you've added the contemporary slant. I loved the authentic feeling the original piece had. So nostalgic. In any regard, it you're going that way, I agree you may want to add more contemporary elements to your setting or language.

    My one major critique involves the new information. I feel that the second paragraph doesn't ring consistent with Rainy's voice. Maybe you're trying to shoehorn information in and it comes off sounding awkward.

    In addition, I think you can take the second tomorrow out of the second reason paragraph since you've already framed the setting.

    I like how you handled the question about why she hasn't seen her friends. I disagree with the comment about foreshadowing the wheelchair though. I like the way you set it up. Rainy seems like an able-bodied girl until you find out otherwise. It plays well.

    Best of luck,
    Sharyn

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  6. Hello,
    I really am interested in this story. I love the wheelchair set up. However, why can't she tell her mom that she doesn't want to got to Sarah's. Does she not want to talk about it at all? Does she feel like her mother won't understand? I also think you use Why not in that sentence too much.

    I said it last time and I still am confused. Why can't her friends come to her house? If mom is so desperate for her to do something then why not bring them over?

    Also, you said that the video is bad because she is streaming it from Youtube to the television. But really, you mean it is fuzzy because it is old right? Streaming from Youtube doesn't make something fuzzy.

    Good luck on the revisions.
    Sarah

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  7. Hi Kate,

    This opening continues to read beautifully! Your tweaks have tightened and clarified things. The Youtube addition brings us firmly into the 21st century.

    If anything, I’m worried you may have cut a couple of things that didn’t need to be cut. Maybe this is a question of “too many cooks spoil the broth,” to turn to a cliché. And also bringing five already strong pages to a revision workshop. We all feel like changes should be made.

    I went back to see if any of my questions could have added to your decision to pull out several things that I thought added so brilliantly to the voice and personality of this ms. Specifically, the old second paragraph, Rainy’s comments about her mom and “the accident voice,”-- I loved that! It told me a lot about Rainy and her sense of humor and frustration. And I hope the last bit about the crow’s gumption is still in the ms. but just didn’t make it into the word count.

    [Speaking of which, I withdraw my last question in my first comments to you! How Rainy feels about school was already answered, subtly and perfectly by watching that crow and admiring his gumption.]

    In my writing group, there are six of us, and the unofficial rule is, if three or more people comment or take issue with the same thing, then in revision we should definitely look at it and try to address it. If two people do, then maybe. It’s our call. If only one person comments on a “problem,” and no one else had an issue with it, you must ignore it. Often people will take issue with something, and the rest of us will argue. Nicely of course ☺ Everyone has their own taste and if it’s not a question of craft (which we all agreed you have command of in these pages), trying to answer to too many people is a mistake and can sabotage your work.

    If you made changes or deletions because YOU felt they didn’t work, then fine. But if you were trying to answer the chorus of conflicting voices in the comments, then I would ask you to consider putting them back. At least three or four of us felt everything already worked beautifully.

    Just for the record, I have no problem with why Rainy hasn’t seen her friends. It seems clear that her friends know. And her mom asks her first why she doesn’t telephone Brie or Sarah. Rainy lets us know that Sarah has called a couple of times to invite Rainy over to their house. We understand why Rainy doesn’t want to go, as well as why she might not want to invite them to her house either. The whole situation is obviously new and everyone is doing their best to adjust.

    Yours,
    Ann

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  8. I thought this was great the first time around and still think so. Getting feedback is always tough, because there are always several voices and opinions. Now is the time for you to soak it all in and decide what you think works best.

    This piece was strong from the start, and I don't want to fiddle with it too much, because you are clearly talented. I would suggest taking all of your feedback and, and after the workshop is over, let your piece sit for a while and then look at it again with fresh eyes. Look at the comments again and go from there.

    Good luck. The writing is very nice.

    ReplyDelete