Name: Sarah Alexander
Genre: YA Mystery/ Suspense
Title: Clueless Academy
Deep in the mountains of Maryland stood one of the most elite preparatory high schools. It was home to the children of the nation’s most influential politicians, celebrities, elite military operators, and foreign dignitaries.
Normally, the school was a haven where students could learn away from the stressors and dangers that came with their family’s prestige. But today, Indigo Plum was a material witness in a murder investigation.
“You have all been called here because we have proof that you attended a party at Hunter Green’s suite last night. At around twelve thirty Miss Waddington called to inform me that she was headed over to shut said party down. An hour later, her body was found dead.” Headmaster Pratt seemed to be barely holding it together. His voice wobbled on the word dead and he took a minute to get control of himself again.
“I will be questioning all of you to determine what happened when you left the party. One of you might have seen something that could be useful in determining who the killer is. We have some suspects in mind but I am not at liberty to discuss it with you.” Pratt stood up a little higher as if to show how superior he was. Indigo rolled her eyes.
“Miss Plum, eyes up here. This is a very serious matter!” Headmaster Pratt was glaring at her and she returned her light eyes to the front of the room. “The police have been notified but until they get here, the school’s investigators will be analyzing the remaining evidence. I can say that we do have evidence that each of you was in the hallway around the time of the murder.” He said this a little harshly and Indigo’s guard flew up.
“I thought that we were just witnesses. You are making it seem like we are suspects.” She could hear her heart beating but she refused to show him any sign that he was affecting her. Any type of weakness may be deemed an omission of guilt. Indigo squared her jaw and looked him dead in the eyes.
“As I said, we are just looking to get a time line to figure out exactly what happened. One of the armed guards here will be escorting you to my office for questioning.” He turned to leave the room but Pearl White stood up. She must have missed the memo about being strong as she was a sniffling mess.
“The guards are here for our protection right? The killer, he could still be out there.” Pearl was currently seeing Hunter, Indigo’s ex-boyfriend, so Indigo hated her. But she had to admit that Pearl made a valid point. The very real killer was still out there. It had never crossed Indigo’s mind that the killer might still be in the school. Sure, she was sad for Miss Waddington’s death but it had never occurred to her that her safety may actually be at risk.
“The killer, he or she, is definitely still out there. It is the guard’s job to protect us. I have called in every one on our payroll so there is extra protection in case anyone tries anything else.” He gave all six of them a pointed look and Indigo could not shake the feeling that Pratt knew a lot more than he was letting on. It was Hunter who spook up next.
“Shouldn’t we have an attorney present? Aren’t we being questioned in a criminal trial?” His father was a high powered attorney so Indigo was not surprised he brought this up. But she was glad he did. Nice to know he was good for something.
“I will be questioning you, not the police. At the beginning of the school year, your parents authorize me to act as your guardian if anything were to happen. So really, think of our talk as one with paternal motivations.” Pratt smiled but it was not pleasant. He looked like the Grinch before he stole Christmas.
Hunter looked like he wanted to say something else but quickly quieted. It was actually Magenta Scarlett, Indigo’s half-sister, who felt the need to add her two cents.
“How was she killed?”
“She was bludgeoned to death with at least two weapons. At this point, we have not identified or found them. Does anyone have an idea what they could be?” He looked around again accusingly. “I mean, did any of you see anything on your way back to your rooms last night? Anything out of place?” Nice recovery, thought Indigo.
“Headmaster, if we saw a bloody hammer on the floor, I think one of us would have said something before now.” She tried to make light of the situation but this only infuriated him.
“Do you think this is funny? A teacher has been killed! She was young, beautiful, smart, and caring. Where is your compassion Miss Plum?” She figured this was a rhetorical question and kept quiet. Luckily her best friend, Sapphire Peacock chimed in for her defense.
“Indigo is just grieving. She doesn’t know how to handle this much emotion so she made a joke. I’m sure she understands the travesty ahead of us.” Indigo smiled at her friend. The truth is, she had locked up her feelings. Sitting in the middle of the floor and rocking back and forth was not going to bring Miss Waddington back. Besides, Pearl was basically doing that already. No, she would keep her emotions together and look back on them in a private space.
“Well this is not the place for any of this. I want all of your cell phones. We need to keep your stories pure so we don’t want you talking to any of the students outside.” He walked down the aisles of the classroom and took each phone.
“What about our parents?” Hunter was back to being the lawyer of the group.
“They have been contacted and are on their way but they may not be able to get in. It is still a crime scene you know.” Indigo must have imagined it because this would not have been the time for Pratt to snicker. No, he must have sniffled or something like that.
“What about my father? He actually works on campus?” Indigo asked. Professor Plum taught psychology.
“And my mom?” Pearl chimed in after her. Mrs. White was just a maid.
“Both of them are busy attending to school matters. They have been alerted of your predicaments and have given me permission to speak to you.” Red Flag! After the dinner party where her father was framed for murder, there is no way Professor would have given anyone permission to speak to her without him. He did not trust anyone in authority.
“Headmaster, you and I both know that I had nothing to do with this. My father probably doesn’t understand the state things are in. I know he never would have allowed you to question me without his presence. Could I just speak to him?” She gave him her most innocent smile and fluttered her lashes a bit. The headmaster walked over to her and spoke very quietly.
“Miss Plum, are you insinuating that I am a liar?”
“No sir, just that he must have misunderstood something that…” Pratt cut her off.
“Because it sounds like you are and I do not like that tone. You will sit in this room until we have been granted permission by the police to let you leave.”
I like how you get right into the action here, although the first two paragraphs still feel out of place because they are YOUR voice and not your character's. Now, for some smaller things:
ReplyDelete1) We need WAY more reaction from your main character here. The first thing we get is an eye-roll but we have no idea what she thinks of her headmaster's announcement (plus the eye roll makes her seem quite cruel given what he just said!) If she's shocked, try to show us her shock as soon as he speaks. If she's not, show us why. Also, this entire excerpt is dialogue with maybe 4 exceptions. Try to vary your paragraphs a little. It can't be all talking. Your main character should be reacting, looking around, thinking etc...
2) Your paragraphs contains multiple people's speech/reactions... Your main character's thoughts and actions should always be in their own paragraph. It's kinda like watching tennis: you show what happens on the "other" side of your POV character and then you show your character's reaction/speech/thoughts. If there are multiple characters speaking, those should be split up too so we don't get confused.
2) Watch the telling here. This is still Indigo's POV and she has no reason to think things like, "Professor Plum taught psychology." She already knows this so you need to give her a reason to tell this information to the reader. For example, she can wonder how close the murder was to the Psychology wing which will tell us that's where her father works. In all instances, if there is something she already knows (job, hair color...) you can't just tell it.
Good luck!
Holly
Hi Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI kind of liked the earlier version where you put all six characters in the principal's room first and then started talking about Indigo. Right now, the words spoken by each character - one after the other - seems rather forced. I would imagine that the news of a murder will elicit combined reactions from all if they were together in a room - including some said or unsaid insinuations. I also miss the details of Indigo's character that you had in the earlier version, which would be great to have if she is the protagonist.
I'm also not getting the sense of place here. What kind of a building is this institute? How old is it? I think a bit of architectural description would be good to let the reader get inside the building where the action takes place - since this is the crime scene too.
There are also quite a few grammatical errors like -omission of guilt, it was Hunter who spook up etc, which I sure you'll correct in the next revision.
Good luck with the next revision!
Priya
Hello Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI like the changes that you made. Going straight into the “whodunnit” scene is better than the long set-up, I think. However, there are a few things I’d like to note:
— Internalization. I want to know more about what Indigo is feeling! This is *big*! Is she terrified, freaked out, worried, sad? Don't tell me, show me. She’s got to be feeling something at the news of this! I feel really distanced from her without knowing more about what’s going on inside of her head. Right now, all Indigo does is roll her eyes, right on the tail of Headmaster Pratt telling her that a teacher has been ‘bludgeoned to death.’ That makes her seem extremely, extremely cold, unless murder like this is de rigueur around Clueless Academy. Get inside her head interject her reactions to all of this — emotional, thoughts, whatever — into the story. It will make it feel so much richer!
— The opening sentences still feel like they’re out of a book report. I’m glad you mentioned the school, but I want to know more about it, but in a less direct way. You can describe the surroundings within the scene, within the general viewpoint of Indigo. Stay closer to her brain — explain the vaulted halls that she sees, the well-armed guards, the polished marble floors, the rich mahogany of Headmaster Pratt’s office — whatever the appetizing details are that you see in your mind’s eye, I want to know them. I also want them to be from Indigo’s perspective.
— I’ve read that putting internal reaction before dialogue can help make something read more naturally. For example, there’s this:
“I thought that we were just witnesses. You are making it seem like we are suspects.” She could hear her heart beating but she refused to show him any sign that he was affecting her. Any type of weakness may be deemed an omission of guilt. Indigo squared her jaw and looked him dead in the eyes.
And just with a bit of rearranging, there’s this, which to my ear, sounds more natural:
She could hear her heart beating but she refused to show him any sign that he was affecting her. Any type of weakness may be deemed an omission of guilt. Indigo squared her jaw and looked him dead in the eyes. “I thought that we were just witnesses. You are making it seem like we are suspects.”
— Adding contractions will also make this piece read more naturally. So instead of “You are making it seem like we are suspects,” which feels a bit wooden, you could have, “You’re making it seem like we’re suspects.”
Nice work overall. I can’t wait to see what next week’s revision looks like!
Hi Sarah,
ReplyDeleteThis revision gets us right into to the action, where we learn what’s happened, what’s at stake and who the players are. There’s also good tension with Pratt and his authoritative and possibly sly ways. (How you work in the red flag and Professor Plum’s history in this revision worked for me.)
Learning more about the mystery and getting to know Pratt better are great additions, and it looks like he will be the antagonist. But as we are in Indigo’s POV, I miss getting to know her and her wonderful snark, as we did in the previous draft. Any reason why you cut all that? Could we have a little of it back? Maybe just her entering the room, or going with the guard.
I’m assuming this going to be Indigo’s story. If so, all the more reason for us to have at least a couple of paragraphs before hearing from Pratt. Although getting Indigo to the detention room, and into the mystery sooner is a good call.
More minor, there are times I wasn’t sure who was speaking. A simple tag will help. Often you have the perfect starting line at the end of the paragraph. For example, in paragraph six, consider putting the last sentence at the beginning, then we’ll know who’s talking and be able to picture it.
Indigo squared her jaw and looked him dead in the eyes. “I thought that we were just witnesses…”
Also, consider including the set up for who’s speaking with the speech. Start a new paragraph here (instead of having this first line in the previous paragraph):
Luckily her best friend, Sapphire Peacock chimed in for her defense. “Indigo is just grieving. She doesn’t know how to handle this much emotion so she made a joke…
One last thought--can you include a couple of visuals? There were some in your last draft. A detail or two from the room, so we can “see” it, and also for Pratt or other characters. With these tweaks, I think your opening will be even stronger.
Yours,
Ann
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI agree that your revision does a good job of moving us into the action sooner. However, I don't feel tension. I don't get the sense that anyone except Pearl is concerned. Building tension is important in a piece such as yours. Perhaps you could have the characters shooting looks at each other or have someone do something suspicious. Find ways to keep the reader guessing about whether what they're seeing is real or just a fascade.
The Headmaster seems to be revealing far too much information. This is a crime scene and investigation and he's giving a lot away.
Indigo's character doesn't have the same personality as in your earlier version. I don't get the same sense of her as a privileged, no one tells me what to do type. Perhaps you can find ways to weave those things back in.
The other characters seem to suffering from that as well. They feel a bit muddled. Tell me something about them that identifies them, either a quirk, mannerism or something concrete.
Be careful of word choice, i.e. travesty, omission, body was found. dead,
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI agree that your revision does a good job of moving us into the action sooner. However, I don't feel tension. I don't get the sense that anyone except Pearl is concerned. Building tension is important in a piece such as yours. Perhaps you could have the characters shooting looks at each other or have someone do something suspicious. Find ways to keep the reader guessing about whether what they're seeing is real or just a fascade.
The Headmaster seems to be revealing far too much information. This is a crime scene and investigation and he's giving a lot away.
Indigo's character doesn't have the same personality as in your earlier version. I don't get the same sense of her as a privileged, no one tells me what to do type. Perhaps you can find ways to weave those things back in.
The other characters seem to suffering from that as well. They feel a bit muddled. Tell me something about them that identifies them, either a quirk, mannerism or something concrete.
Be careful of word choice, i.e. travesty, omission, body was found. dead,
Sarah, I really like this opening much better than the prior. This grabs me and pulls me in immediately. This line “But today, Indigo Plum was a material witness in a murder investigation.” is really great, gripping and tight.
ReplyDeleteI am confused, though, as to where they are, who is in the room and, with a murder investigation, where the police and students’ parents are while the headmaster is speaking in the beginning. I like how you are jumping right in but this might be too quick. A descriptive paragraph between, answering some of these questions, might set the stage a bit more precisely.
Having Indigo roll her eyes seems to be an odd response for a teen being told that a murder has happened, that she might know something or might be a suspect. That kind of blasé attitude toward the situation tells me that either she is the murderer or she is so spoiled that she only cares about herself. Either way, you are giving it away too quickly here and I would assume she is smart enough to know to play the shocked game along with everyone else regardless of her culpability or attitude toward life. Her reactions in the next two paragraphs are it though, and I would rather see this reaction than the eye rolling.
There is something to be said for fiction and taking liberties so I throw this out for you in the event that you want this to be less fantasy and more realistic…in a murder investigation at a school with minors, the headmaster can’t serve as the students’ guardians, especially for those being questioned, because it would be a conflict of interest (can’t question the suspects, protect the interests of the school which is the headmaster’s first duty, act as guardian serving to protect each individual student, and serve in the capacity of the police).
All in all, I am interested and would keep reading. I think that you are doing great things with this version, and I am really excited to see what you do with the next revision.
-Julie