Jeff Wooten
YA Science-Fiction
Jake Tenkiller and the Widow’s Lament
YA Science-Fiction
Jake Tenkiller and the Widow’s Lament
Fifteen-year-old Jake Tenkiller's world is thrust off its axis when he escapes an orphanage and is kidnapped by intergalactic pirates.
Jake's anxiety skyrockets when he learns he is a descendant of an ancient alien race and has inherited powers of unimaginable wonder and unthinkable destruction. This makes him a valuable weapon, not only to the pirates, but to the five great Houses that rule the multiverse. He struggles to gravitate towards becoming the fierce warrior the pirates expect, and after many hours of training, his efforts crash and burn.
Now, the pirates become divided over whether Jake is going to be useful. While the captain has high hopes for him, the first mate would rather kill him than be bothered with earthscum – and half the vessel agrees.
Jake needs to prove his value in order to stay alive. He gets his chance when the ship is attacked by enemies, and he's confronted by another earthborn. Emily Gardner has acclimated well to life light years from her home planet, and she’s not having any problems claiming her place among the stars. Jake better find a way to master his alien skills or his life is going to be bleaker than the darkest black hole.
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Emily watched the traffic through the bars of her window, trying to forget the day she fell from the sky. The hospital parking lot was filling up, and I-80 into Berkeley was thick with morning commuters. The world spun, people lived out their lives as if any of it mattered…but they were falling too. They just didn’t know it yet.
The door opened behind her, pulling her back into the moment. It was too early for a doctor, probably the cleaning staff. Either way, Emily didn’t look. People moved out of sight, busy at some task; a hinge squeaked and something locked into place, wheels rolled on linoleum, feet and papers shuffled. Retreating steps and the shutting door told her someone had left. The creak of an office chair told her someone had stayed.
“Emily Gardner?”
She flinched at the sound of her name but resisted the urge to turn.
“Emily, would you come sit with me?” The voice was male and rang with authority. A small impatient silence followed when Emily didn’t move. “You can come by your own free will,” the man said, “or I can drag you over.”
Emily turned in her seat. An unfamiliar, dark-haired doctor sat behind a small folding table. A smile split his face, a liar’s smile, and Emily knew at once she didn’t like him.
The man motioned to the other side of the table. “And bring your chair when you come.” He riffled through a neat stack of documents on the tabletop. Emily watched him for a few seconds longer. No one had ever threatened her physically; pills and words were the doctor’s preferred method of violence, and she wondered if he would do it. He might, but not without a price.
They’d drugged her into a stupor the last time she’d lashed out. Oblivion hadn’t been horrible, but she didn’t deserve oblivion, and no sin went unpunished here, best to remember that.
She stood, picked up her chair, and walked to the table. The man didn’t look up from his papers. He thought she was powerless, weak and frail, something broken for him to fix. Emily imagined breaking her chair over his head, feeling a rush of something wild. The buzz lasted for just a second and was gone, leaving her emptier than before. She placed her chair across from him and sat. His nose was still in the papers. Who used paper these days? Was it a distraction of some sort? Did it have any purpose at all? Was it working?
Emily took a small breath. It didn’t matter.
Several minutes passed before the man found the page he wanted. He pulled it from the stack, and read it to himself. A few strands of hair fell from his brow that he absently pushed back in place. Emily guessed him to be about forty, as old as her dad. He wore a white lab coat like all the psychiatrists, and wore glasses too. Thick black rimmed glasses. Her dad wore glasses like that.
Had, she corrected herself, had worn. She was alone now, and this doctor was not her friend.
“It says that you were the lone survivor in a plane crash. Is that correct?”
Emily pressed her lips in a thin line as the man looked at her.
“Is something wrong?” A ghost of a smile crossed his face, and he examined his page again. “Your father Bruce was the pilot, your mother Nancy was with you and one more.” He went back to the stack, flipped through the documents until he found something that he stabbed with a finger. His eyes lifted. “Yes, a brother, a younger brother, Thomas. What did you call him? Thomas, Tom, Tommy?”
Emily could feel a fire igniting within her. She dug her fingernails into the palm of her hand, relishing the sharp pricks. Was he taunting her? It was clear he wanted a response. Emily dug her nails in deeper, keeping her expression neutral, determined not to let him see...whatever it was he wanted to see.
“You’ve been here for six months and haven’t uttered a word,” the man said. “Don’t you want to get out of here? A fresh start unencumbered with,” he spread his hands, “this. Fifteen is certainly young enough for that.” He watched her, shrugged, and thumbed through the documents again. After a few seconds he pulled one page out, examined it, and slid it over to her. “Do you remember taking this test?”
Despite herself, Emily looked. It was the front page only of what had been a packet, and she did remember, even though it had been months since she’d taken the test. It was a weird exam, not like any she’d taken before, and that’s what made her remember. She’d skipped questions she didn’t feel like thinking about, and answered only the ones she’d wanted too. It had been surprising how many she ended up answering. The questions about shapes and how they fit together were the best, questions with hidden pictures inside random squiggles. Brain teasers were what her dad called them. She’d thought of her dad, working the puzzles out. Maybe that’s why she’d cooperated and taken the test in the first place. It had made her remember…or forget. It was hard to tell sometimes which hurt less. She picked up the page in front of her, looked into the man’s blue eyes, crumbled the paper up into a tight ball, and placed it lightly on the table.
Her little act of defiance didn’t even register on the man’s face. “It’s rare someone scores as high as you. Did you know that?” He waited for just a second then continued. “Did you know traumatic events--physical or emotional--can sometimes alter brain chemistry? Change the way the human brain functions altogether? Cortisol reaction, serotonin and norepinephrine alterations. Most times these changes are…undesirable. Sometimes they aren’t. Were you injured in the plane crash?”
A familiar mix of emotions washed over Emily but never quite touched her. She wasn’t that girl anymore. That girl had a family, that girl had love, that girl had a future. That girl was dead.
The man’s fingers on the tabletop began to drum a steady beat. Thump-thump-thump-thump. “In all the multiverse there are only a few brains like yours Emily.” Thump-thump-thump-thump. “The genetic material must be present, of course,” thump-thump-thump-thump, “but even then few score so high. My name is Boris. Boris Halt.” Thump-thump-thump-thump. “I have come a long way to see you at the behest of the Emperor.”
He’s crazy. Emily sat up straight, staring at him, trying to see the madness that had to be there. All she saw was cold calculation. He’s not a doctor. The thought exploded in her mind, the mushroom cloud growing with her certainty. Was he a patient like her? An escapee roaming the halls? No, it didn’t fit. Who’d been in the room with him earlier? Emily pushed herself back from the table. Part of her yearned for a fight--even knowing how that must end--but inside she trembled. Don’t I want it all to end anyway?
“My question is,” Boris said, “is there still enough of you in there, or are you too far gone to be salvaged?”
The words stung, they stung more than they should. Emily’s lip twitched, and a short harsh breath, just shy of a growl, escaped her.
“Yes, there you are,” Boris said. “A thing of anger and fear, but there you are.”
Hi Jeff!
ReplyDeleteOk - I really liked the pitch. BUT - it threw me for a loop, because the opening pages are about Emily, and she seems like an afterthought in the pitch, in the bottom of the last paragraph.
It seems like this is dual POV, so perhaps you could try to mention her much earlier on in the pitch?
Now for the pages. I really liked this revision. It read smoothly, and I felt pulled into Emily's POV right away.
Great job!
Cheers, Lana
ps my pitch is up now! :)
Yep, dual POV. It's about a 60/40 split with Emily being the 40. I've always felt this is where the story starts though.
DeleteI agree with Lana that your pitch doesn't match your first pages. After reading your pitch, I'm getting the impression that whatever Boris is hauling in to upset Emily is not the inciting incident of your story after all.
ReplyDeleteIf this is truly Jake's story rather than Emily's, then what you're giving us seems to me to be more of a prologue showing us Emily's backstory. Keep in mind that prologues tend to raise red flags in the agent-publisher world. Sometimes prologues work, especially in fantasy, but often these days your agent or editor will just make you cut it.
On the other hand, if Emily is actually a main-POV character with Jake, then your pitch would be more effective if it reflected that.
Also the space setting entirely threw me, since the opening scene takes place on earth with no mention of space-faring or pirating. Not to mention, when I see elements like orphanage, kidnapping, and pirates, I think middle grade story rather than YA. But your opening pages definitely feel like YA to me rather than middle grade. It's almost like your pitch is for a completely different book.
So my advice is not really advice here, because I'm not sure which you should change, your pitch or your pages. It depends on how much of the rest of your book is from Emily's POV. If it's half-Emily-POV, change the pitch to start with and include her. If Emily's just a plot point further on in Jake's story, then think about changing your story to start with Jake. If you go with the second option, though, it doesn't mean you have to lose this wonderful scene! You could simply move it to Emily's point-of-entry into the story, either breaking it up and revealing it gradually, or by starting with it so we get a feel for Emily before she comes into the picture in the front-action pirate plot.
And as for the middle-grade vs. YA tone, you could easily change your pitch to better convey YA-ness by changing out some of your vocabulary--drop the mention of the orphanage since it doesn't seem to bear on the plot anyway; instead of kidnapped, say taken prisoner or hijacked; and instead of pirates, say scavengers or raiders or smugglers (even better, use a specific name for the gang if you can. It will make the world, and the pitch, seem richer and more developed).
Hope this helps! For more info about structuring your pitch, check out http://queryshark.blogspot.com/ (assuming you haven't already ;-)).
Looks like you answered the POV question in your reply to Lana. In light of that information, I would redo your pitch--first paragraph Jake, second paragraph Emily. I just Googled "dual POV pitch" and this was the first hit: http://deareditor.com/2011/09/re-whats-the-trick-to-pitching-a-dual-pov-story/ Some good advice in that answer about showing the conflict between the two POV characters in your query.
DeleteThank you for the link. Been over there reading. All your advise and encouragement has been greatly appreciated! This has been fun.
DeleteJeff
Your query :
ReplyDeleteYou’ve gotten a bunch of comments on matching the pov of your query to your first chapter. I do think that this is important. Game On! actually has two main POV’s. The second is Maxine, which you wouldn’t know b/c we didn’t include the comp paragraphs of our query letters. Kathleen Rushall told me in a query critique at a conference that if a query is dual POV, she wants to know right up front. Earlier I had what I thought was a great query from Maxine’s POV but several critiques at Writeoncon said the pov’s of the queries and first pages have to match for exactly the reasons Lana mentioned – it throws people if they don’t. You’re all set to hear about a characters’ story and then you’re presented with someone entirely different. And I felt my story had to start with Jared’s voice so I had to completely rewrite the query. If you feel your story is starting in the right place, it might be the query that needs to change. Sorry! I know restarting a query from scratch stinks! It sounds, though, like Jake would make a great antagonist if you write the query from Emily’s pov.
Your revision:
I’ve already said that I like your pages, so I’ll focus just on the changes.
“Emily watched the traffic through the bars of her window, trying to forget the day she fell from the sky. “
This is really interesting as a first line, but it opens up a big question that you don’t answer for pages. I think that will throw a reader off. Since this story is sci-fi, there could be any number of reasons that someone might fall out of the sky, not just a plane crash. If you want to go with this line, can you give a glimpse of the crash?
“ a liar’s smile, and Emily knew at once she didn’t like him.” – love this!
“Oblivion hadn’t been horrible, but she didn’t deserve oblivion, and no sin went unpunished here, best to remember that.” I think you have two really strong statements here. I wonder if they are so strong that they would be better separated. Each given a little more space.
“The buzz lasted for just a second and was gone, leaving her emptier than before.” And “Emily could feel a fire igniting within her. She dug her fingernails into the palm of her hand, relishing the sharp pricks. “ – love these too! Great emotion!
“Emily sat up straight, staring at him, trying to see the madness that had to be there. All she saw was cold calculation.” – love this!
Great job showing more of Emily’s emotion and state of mind with the revisions and good luck with thinking through the query!
Rebecca
There seems to be a consensus forming on the pitch.
DeleteOn a positive note. This workshop has been amazing.(And it's far from done.) You guys are the first to critique past 250 words-- besides my significant other, of course. And for all the nervous waiting to read comments, it has been way worth it. Much appreciated.
Jeff
Hi Jeff. In hopes to provide a different comment on the pitch, after reading it I understood why you didn’t want to say outright where Emily was in the earlier revisions. Knowing now that she is not on Earth makes your previous first paragraphs sensible. If you do go with Jake’s story first, I think the first paragraph for Emily can stay as it was. I thought the line about “Emily imagining she didn’t exist” was a great line. It just needs a different word than imagine. That line says so much about Emily’s state of mind that flows through the rest of this scene.
ReplyDeleteI think last week’s version was the strongest out of the three. You had some great additions and the cliffhanger of what they carried in was fantastic. I do think this version is smoother so maybe a combination of the two.
I have been so impressed with your ability to build tension and I feel invested in Emily. I’m really interested in Jake now, though.
I really wanted to keep the last bit with the body too (Heck, I'd like to have the whole chapter here)but the word count got me. The whole chapter is 1,700 words and a lot happens in that last 450. Thank you for all your comments these past weeks! They have been helpful.
DeleteJeff
Hi Jeff!
ReplyDeleteThis is another strong revision. I'm really glad to have the pitch because I didn't understand why your title didn't seem to match the POV of your excerpt. Now that I understand better how Emily fits into the story, it makes a lot more sense.
I will be upfront and admit that I have never written a pitch/summary before so I haven't been giving a lot of comments on them. That said, your pitch has a very adventure feel to it, whereas your first chapter feels a lot darker, more dystopian. I don't know if that's a problem, so that's more an observation than a critique.
I LOVE what you have done with the first paragraph. I especially loved: "The world spun, people lived out their lives as if any of it mattered…but they were falling too. They just didn’t know it yet." In the first sentence "the day she fell from the sky" seems a bit jarring--but maybe you want the readers to be jarred? Or maybe you could keep the image of falling but leave off "from the sky"--readers will assume it's metaphorical until you show them it's literal.
I loved "My question is,” Boris said, “is there still enough of you in there, or are you too far gone to be salvaged?” I think it really piques the readers' interest and makes them desperate to know what he means. And your last line is awesome as well.
I think you've got a great story here. You strike a terrific balance between dialogue, exposition, and internal monologue, and the pacing is great. I look forward to reading the whole thing one day!
It's been so much fun reading everyone's comments. For example:
Delete"the first sentence "the day she fell from the sky" seems a bit jarring--but maybe you want the readers to be jarred? Or maybe you could keep the image of falling but leave off "from the sky"--readers will assume it's metaphorical until you show them it's literal."
It's so funny, I kept going back and forth on adding or subtracting "from the sky" or sticking with the first opening "imagining she didn't exist". I almost flipped a coin. Great feedback, thank you!
Jeff
This is interesting, and piques readers' curiosity and interest right away. Hints are given subtly about where she is and what sort of "alternate universe" she has stumbled into. The plot should be quite interesting, based on this intro teaser. I do think, however, that Emily could be developed a bit more -- rounded out some. I didn't feel what she was feeling or experience her emotions directly. It felt like there was a wall between her and the reader. Also, some sentences were worded a little confusing and long-winded. There were also some run-on sentences and repetition. I would smooth these bits out, but great start overall!
ReplyDeleteThis is interesting, and piques readers' curiosity and interest right away. Hints are given subtly about where she is and what sort of "alternate universe" she has stumbled into. The plot should be quite interesting, based on this intro teaser. I do think, however, that Emily could be developed a bit more -- rounded out some. I didn't feel what she was feeling or experience her emotions directly. It felt like there was a wall between her and the reader. Also, some sentences were worded a little confusing and long-winded. There were also some run-on sentences and repetition. I would smooth these bits out, but great start overall!
ReplyDeleteWHAT? Wow, your pitch was not at all what I expected! How surprising. I was imagining a psychological thriller. You just never know!
ReplyDeleteSo, I really like these pages. I still feel like Emily needs a little emotional development in terms of the way she's affected by this man. I think it could tell us so much more of her story if they had a really intense interaction, but I've said it three times and I can tell you have a vision for this story. In fact, because of the pitch, I feel like I would need to read on quite a bit in order to be oriented. But I'm interested, and I think you've got skills.
Best of luck!
Thank you so much for all your advice! It was so very helpful. I wish the whole chapter was here. Thanks again, this is such an awesome workshop. I have to get in a critiquing group. Besides you guys, only one other person has read and given comments past the first 250 words. My wife. Someone earlier mentioned CP's and I had to Google it. Ha!
DeleteI'm reading all my mentors books BTW, ordered and on the way!
Jeff