Sunday, April 10, 2016

1st 5 Pages April Workshop - Wooten Rev 1

Jeff Wooten
YA Science-Fiction
Jake Tenkiller and the Widow’s Lament
 
Emily watched the traffic through the bars of her window, trying to imagine she didn’t exist. The hospital parking lot was filling up, and I-80 into Berkeley was thick with morning commuters. The world spun, people lived out their lives as if any of it mattered. Emily knew better.
 
The door opened behind her, pulling her back into the moment. It was too early for a doctor, probably the cleaning staff. Either way, Emily didn’t look. People moved out of sight, busy at some task; a hinge squeaked and something locked into place, wheels rolled on linoleum, feet and papers shuffled. Retreating steps and the shutting door told her someone had left. The squeak of an office chair told her someone had stayed.
 
“Emily Gardner?”
 
She flinched at the sound of her name but resisted the urge to turn.
 
“Emily, would you come sit with me?” The voice was male and rang with authority. A small impatient silence followed when Emily didn’t move. “You can come by your own free will,” the man said, “or I can drag you over.”
 
Emily turned in her seat. An unfamiliar, dark-haired doctor sat behind a small folding table. A smile split his face, and Emily knew at once she didn’t like him.
 
The man motioned to the other side of the table. “And bring your chair when you come.” He began to riffle through a neat stack of documents on the tabletop. Emily watched him for a few seconds longer. No one had ever threatened her physically; pills and words were the doctor’s preferred method of violence, and she wondered if he would do it. He might, but not without a price.
 
They’d drugged her into a stupor the last time she’d lashed out. Oblivion hadn’t been horrible, but she didn’t deserve oblivion, and no sin went unpunished here, best to remember that.
 
She stood, walked behind her chair, picked it up, and walked to the table. The man didn’t look up from his papers, and Emily imagined breaking her chair over his head. She placed her chair across from him instead. The documents in front of the man seemed to be demanding all of his attention. Who used paper these days? Was it a distraction of some sort? Did it have any purpose at all? Was it working?
 
Emily took a small breath. It didn’t matter.
 
She circled in front of her chair and sat. Several minutes passed before the man found the page he wanted. He pulled it from the stack, and read it to himself as Emily waited. A few strands of hair fell from his brow. Emily guessed him to be about forty, as old as her dad. He wore a white lab coat like all the psychiatrists, and wore glasses too. Thick black rimmed glasses. Her dad wore glasses like that.
 
Had, she corrected herself, had worn.
 
The man eyed the paper in his hand. “It says that you were the lone survivor in a plane crash. Is that correct?”
 
Warmth spread over Emily’s cheeks as the man looked at her.
 
“Is something wrong?” A ghost of a smile crossed his face, and he examined his page again. “Your father Bruce was the pilot, your mother Nancy was with you and one more.” He went back to the stack, flipped through the documents until he found something that he stabbed with a finger. His eyes lifted. “Yes, a brother, a younger brother, Thomas. What did you call him? Thomas, Tom, Tommy?”
 
Emily could feel a fire igniting within her. Was he taunting her? It was clear he wanted a response. Emily worked hard to keep her expression neutral, determined not to let him see...whatever it was he wanted to see.
 
“You’ve been here for six months and haven’t uttered a word,” the man said. “Don’t you want to get out of here? Start life anew. Fifteen is certainly young enough for that. A fresh start unencumbered with,” he spread his hands, “this.”
 
He watched her, shrugged, and thumbed through the documents again. After a few seconds he pulled one page out, examined it, turned it around, placed it on the table and slid it over. “Do you remember taking this test?”
 
Despite herself, Emily looked. It was the front page only of what had been a packet, and she did remember, even though it had been months since she’d taken the test. It was a weird exam, not like any she’d taken before, and that’s what made her remember. She’d skipped questions she didn’t feel like thinking about, and answered only the ones she’d wanted too. It had been surprising how many she ended up answering. The questions about shapes and how they fit together were the best, questions with hidden pictures inside random squiggles. Brain teasers were what her dad called them. She’d thought of her dad, working the puzzles out. Maybe that’s why she’d cooperated and taken the test in the first place. It had made her remember…or forget. It was hard to tell sometimes which hurt less. She picked up the paper in front of her, looked into the man’s blue eyes, and crumbled it up into a tight ball. She placed it lightly on the table.
 
Her little act of defiance didn’t even register on the man’s face. “It’s rare someone scores as high as you. Did you know that?” He waited for just a second then continued. “Did you know traumatic events--physical or emotional--can sometimes alter brain chemistry? Change the way the human brain functions altogether? Cortisol reaction, serotonin and norepinephrine alterations. Most times these changes are…undesirable. Sometimes they aren’t. Were you injured in the plane crash?”
 
A familiar mix of emotions washed over Emily but never quite touched her. She wasn’t that girl anymore. That girl had a family, that girl had love, that girl had a future. That girl was dead.
 
The man’s fingers on the tabletop began to drum a steady beat. Thump-thump-thump-thump. “In all the multiverse there are only a few brains like yours Emily.” Thump-thump-thump-thump. “The genetic material must be present, of course,” thump-thump-thump-thump, “but even then few score so high. My name is Boris. Boris Halt.” Thump-thump-thump-thump. “I have come a long way to see you at the behest of the Emperor.”
 
He’s crazy, Emily realized, and she stared at him, trying to see the madness that had to be there. All she saw was cold calculation, and it dawned on her that she’d never been alone with just one person before. Was he a patient like her? An escapee roaming the halls wearing the clothes of the doctor he’d strangled? She pushed herself back from the table, moving slow. Part of her yearned for a fight--even knowing how that must end--but inside she trembled. Don’t I want it all to end anyway?
 
“My question is,” Boris said, “is there still enough of you in there, or are you too far gone to be salvaged?”
 
The words stung, they stung more than they should. Emily’s lip twitched, and she stared at him.
 
“Yes, there you are,” Boris said. “A thing of anger and fear, but there you are.” He raised his hand and snapped his fingers. Two men entered the room as if they’d been waiting just behind the door. They carried someone limp between them. Emily’s eyes widened in horror, and she stood, knocking her chair over. Boris watched her, enjoying himself.

 

15 comments:

  1. Hi Jeff!
    So, I liked the intro more...it was tighter, and lept into action right away. I get the setting, her circumstances immediately. Great job!

    I noticed some things just to tighten a little. really nitpicky comments.

    trying to imagine she didn’t exist, and
    The documents in front of the man seemed to be demanding
    - this is a passive contruction so "search and destroy" (Trying to / began to / started to)

    passive construction: parking lot was filling up (was +ing)

    this paragraph:
    Emily guessed him to be about forty, as old as her dad. He wore a white lab coat like all the psychiatrists, and wore glasses too. Thick black rimmed glasses. Her dad wore glasses like that.

    Had, she corrected herself, had worn.
    for this, you could use repetition for emphasis like - as old as her dad. Same glasses as her dad. But it wasn't her dad. He was dead (something like that - you can do better)

    this line:
    Warmth spread over Emily’s cheeks as the man looked at her.
    I'm not sure this works, or means what you want it to. Ususally, I connote it with a happy feeling, a happy warmth. I think you're going more for anger - so maybe specify her emotion?

    and it dawned on her that she’d never been alone with just one person before.
    or did you mean - in the hospital only

    this seemed like a POV slip, since we're in Emily's POV: Boris watched her, enjoying himself.

    otherwise, I enjoyed the revision :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lana,

      Thanks! The first line again. I know I'm being stubborn at this point. I have this whole argument about how Emily is engaging the world passively and so that sentence sets that up, yadda, yadda, yadda.


      Thanks for all the comments. Much appreciated.

      Jeff

      Delete
    2. Jeff-
      Just a thought, but if you want a passive/active thing going, then I think you could do more with her inner thoughts (or lack of them). See my note below?
      -Lisa

      Delete
  2. Love it!!! Great revision. I love all the added detail. I get a much better sense of who Emily is from this. I do agree with Lana about the Boris-enjoying-himself line seeming like a POV slip, but I think it'd be easy to correct by adding a "clearly"--i.e., "Boris watched her, clearly enjoying himself." The 'clearly' sets it up so that we can tell it's Emily noticing that Boris is enjoying himself rather than Boris telling us he's enjoying himself. Does that make sense?

    Otherwise, I'm sold! Very, very strong opening scene. Congrats!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi Jeff!

    I really like this revision. It definitely helps to have the story more anchored in a particular place (i.e. the hospital, near Berkeley,etc.) Helps deepen the viewpoint as well, by letting the readers see through Emily's eyes.

    A couple places where the prose got a little bit awkward for me:

    "A smile split his face, and Emily knew at once she didn’t like him." Smiles usually endear us to people, rather than the opposite, so I wanted to know why his had such a negative effect. Indicating if this was a smirk, unctuous smile, something like that would help.

    "No one had ever threatened her physically; pills and words were the doctor’s preferred method of violence . . ." This is a little bit confusing. I think you mean "the doctor" as a generic reference, like if you said "poison is the coward's weapon," but when I first read it, I thought it referred to this doctor in particular, and how would Emily know?

    "She stood, walked behind her chair, picked it up, and walked to the table." You used "walked" twice in one sentence, and I'm not sure we need both of them. If you just told us she carried her chair over, I think the stood and walked behind are implied.

    "After a few seconds he pulled one page out, examined it, turned it around, placed it on the table and slid it over. " This was another case where maybe we don't need all the steps. Maybe "slid it face up towards her"?

    Again, thank you for sharing! I'm really enjoying this piece!

    Kim





    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the comments! Will look those sentences over.

      Jeff

      Delete
  4. Hi Jeff. I think you’ve done a great job at fleshing out the scene. The additions help bring Emily’s personality out a little more and “where we are” is more defined. I especially like the end where you’ve added what they were carrying. Very good teaser. My only comments are as follows:

    In paragraph two, you have an echo with the “hinge squeaked” and “the squeak of the office chair.”

    I like the line “Oblivion hadn’t been horrible, but she didn’t deserve oblivion, and no sin went unpunished here.” Since Emily is wishing she didn’t exist (line 1), I wonder if oblivion would actually be the state that she preferred? You allude to it here with “it wasn’t horrible” so it made me think that perhaps she liked not having to remember. Perhaps she wanted to be disconnected with reality. Also, it shows that the worse they can do to her is actually something she finds enjoyable. I think there is great possibility here for further insight into her mental status.

    I found the abrupt change in her mood a bit jarring. In the beginning, she seems to not care about anything around her. People come and go in the room and she doesn’t even turn around. Then the doctor comes in, is forceful with her, and she is quickly agitated to the point where she imagines breaking a chair over his head. I think her wanting to do that is fine but it just seems like she went from blah to violent without too much provocation.

    I must say again that I think the ending is a great cliffhanger. Good job!

    Linda

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for all the comments! The ending is less of a cliffhanger if the whole chapter was here, but glad you liked it. I think Emily wishes for oblivion, but knows she doesn't deserve it (survivor's guilt). I'm going to keep thinking on that one. Thanks again.

      Jeff

      Delete
  5. Hey Jeff-

    Really interesting changes you've made here--helps me to see a bit more where the scene is going.

    A couple thoughts--if you want that passive aspect to shine at the beginning, really sink into her perspective. I know it's third person, but you focalize the narrative really well through her in some places:
    The world spun, people lived out their lives as if any of it mattered.
    Had, she corrected herself, had worn.
    She wasn’t that girl anymore. That girl had a family, that girl had love, that girl had a future. That girl was dead.

    These are the places where I feel like we're in her narrative--being shown instead of being told what she's going through. I think you could really amp up the tension and emotion throughout this whole opening if you focus on channeling more of the description through that voice.

    Here are some places:
    The world spun, people lived out their lives as if any of it mattered. Emily knew better. (cut the second sentence. It dulls the impact of the first, and is redundant b/c we SEE that Emily knows better)

    A smile split his face, and Emily knew at once she didn’t like him.--WHY does she know this? How does his smile make her feel or what does she think of when he smiles? To me it seemed incongruous with his threat, so I think she needs to react to that, but put it in her voice, through her perspective.

    The man didn’t look up from his papers, and Emily imagined breaking her chair over his head. She placed her chair across from him instead= this is great, but also just a description of what she's doing (action). It needs to give the reader a sense of what she's feeling. 1) if she's withdrawn and passive, this would be a marked change from that, right? How does this impulse strike *her*? and 2) why does she want to? To escape? A random violent impulse? Is this part of her anger that she hasn't been dealing with? EX: The man didn't look up, and Emily had the sudden sense that it would be so easy to lift the chair a little higher, to flex the muscles she hadn't used in so long and bring the wood/metal down onto his head. Could practically feel the vibrations of it hitting him echo through her arms...

    I mean, obviously not that, but you get the idea--show something about her by this one strange thought she has.

    Emily worked hard to keep her expression neutral, determined not to let him see...whatever it was he wanted to see.--> if she's passive at first, numb from just sitting, him poking to get a reaction would be a new thing??

    Was he a patient like her? An escapee roaming the halls wearing the clothes of the doctor he’d strangled?= this doesn't make sense because other people came in the room with him earlier. Wouldn't the nurses and orderlies have noticed him staying behind? Besides, he's just said he's been sent by the emperor. If there's ever a time for her to have an unguarded, external reaction, this might be it.

    n is,” Boris said, “is there still enough of you in there, or are you too far gone to be salvaged?”==does this correspond to the "that girl was gone" line? if so, maybe revise to develop that past/present split more throughout the whole opening?

    Great work on the revision! Can't wait to see what you do next.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! I want her to very *actively* engage the world passively. I'm going to deepen the POV in that first paragraph. I jotted down an idea while reading your comments that I'm excited about. Thank you for all of that.

      Jeff

      Delete
  6. Hi Jeff,

    I am CRAZY about this revision. I just felt so much more aligned with her as the MC, and curious about where she would go. I think it's brilliant to say she wants to bash the doctor over the head. It makes her seem a little unhinged. I like the idea that she's been wrongfully placed here, but is somehow also a little prone to some extreme behavior. Makes her feel strong, dangerous, unpredictable.

    I love that you took out the cliches and the emotions. I think it makes the whole piece much stronger and more engaging. I also love that once the doctor mentions her family, she is less able to control herself, like she's able to remain more or less impassive until he throws out the "Tom...Tommy." I also love that there's more subtlety in terms of what's happened in her past. I think there are more set-ups for questions and tension as you have it here. GREAT JOB!

    I still would like to see a bigger reaction when the doc mentions her family. Nothing melodramatic, but I think it could be strong move for her to react just for a second and then be really upset with herself for giving this man anything at all before she has the chance to fully analyze him.

    I also think it could be good to use the moment she associates the doctor with her dad (glasses) to draw contrast. Like, he's wearing those familiar glasses that maybe give her hope about this guy (does she want to get out of this place? Does she think this will finally be the man who will listen to her? Does she momentarily feel a kinship because of those glasses, because on the surface he looks like her father?) But then the smile. Ugh. The shudder as she realizes this guy is a major creep. The disappointment. The heartbreak of it. Of course it all happens so fast, but it's a potentially powerful moment for her to realize, to remember that she is alone.

    Just a couple of thoughts.

    Again, fabulous work!

    Estelle

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I've got a notepad full of ideas now. So excited to get to work on the next draft.

      Jeff

      Delete
  7. Great revision! I definitely understand the Emily’s POV and her emotions a lot better now.
    I particularly like:
    “No one had ever threatened her physically; pills and words were the doctor’s preferred method of violence, and she wondered if he would do it. He might, but not without a price.”
    “They’d drugged her into a stupor the last time she’d lashed out. Oblivion hadn’t been horrible, but she didn’t deserve oblivion...”
    “ Emily imagined breaking her chair over his head.”
    Emily comes across clearly as someone who, while trying to avoid any hint of emotion, has resorted to violence in the past and is willing to do it again, despite consequences. She’s starting to sound quite kick-ass.
    There was something I was unsure of:
    The “warmth spread over Emily’s cheeks” made me think she was embarrassed rather than hurt. Was Emily in some way at fault for the plane crash?
    And here:
    “My name is Boris. Boris Halt.” I thought the change of topics from her test to his introduction was abrupt. I wonder if there’s a different place to put this and the sentence about the Emperor. Maybe after a pause in which Emily does not respond. Maybe as they drag in the body? I think putting it on it’s own would give the words more impact.
    One nitpick.
    “ A few strands of hair fell from his brow.” This sounds like his hair is falling out. I think you mean over / across his brow.
    Great job! I’m looking forward to finding a bit more about where your story’s going with the pitch next week.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Great revision! I definitely understand the Emily’s POV and her emotions a lot better now.
    I particularly like:
    “No one had ever threatened her physically; pills and words were the doctor’s preferred method of violence, and she wondered if he would do it. He might, but not without a price.”
    “They’d drugged her into a stupor the last time she’d lashed out. Oblivion hadn’t been horrible, but she didn’t deserve oblivion...”
    “ Emily imagined breaking her chair over his head.”
    Emily comes across clearly as someone who, while trying to avoid any hint of emotion, has resorted to violence in the past and is willing to do it again, despite consequences. She’s starting to sound quite kick-ass.
    There was something I was unsure of:
    The “warmth spread over Emily’s cheeks” made me think she was embarrassed rather than hurt. Was Emily in some way at fault for the plane crash?
    And here:
    “My name is Boris. Boris Halt.” I thought the change of topics from her test to his introduction was abrupt. I wonder if there’s a different place to put this and the sentence about the Emperor. Maybe after a pause in which Emily does not respond. Maybe as they drag in the body? I think putting it on it’s own would give the words more impact.
    One nitpick.
    “ A few strands of hair fell from his brow.” This sounds like his hair is falling out. I think you mean over / across his brow.
    Great job! I’m looking forward to finding a bit more about where your story’s going with the pitch next week.

    ReplyDelete