Name: Rebecca Smith-Allen
Genre: upper middle grade mystery with virtual reality elements
Title: GAME ON!
Chapter 1: Worst News Ever
I stomped off the bus, weighed down by bad news and the long school day
ahead of me. Aaron headed my way from the far side of the school. I picked
him out instantly, even through the crush of bodies, by his shoulder-length
black hair and ever-present smirk.
That smirk was gonna disappear fast. As soon as he heard the news.
Aaron gave my shoulder a hello whack. "Dude, why so glum? Classes haven't
started yet and you don't have science until fifth period. Find your happy
place." He snorted.
Aaron thought he was hilarious.
"Dude, Worst. News. Ever." I headed towards the unwelcoming doors of
Thompson Junior High. No point in postponing the inevitable.
Aaron fell in step with me. "Let me guess." The joker rubbed his chin in an
impression of looking thoughtful. "Your mom's on another health food kick
and we're gonna have to eat carrot sticks instead of Doritos during our
video game marathon tomorrow."
I shoved his arm in frustration. "I'm serious. This is much worse than the
carrot stick thing."
Aaron rubbed his chin some more. "Your sister got the new Just Dance and
we'll have to take turns on the Wii."
"That would be bad," I agreed. "But she's such a teacher's pet she won't get
the game until after finals. But the problem is Maxine's fault. She wanted a
pat on the head for getting a 102 on the science quiz - every question
right, plus extra credit. Ugh! Then Mom turns to me and said, 'let's see
your quiz.'"
Maxine was ahead of us, walking into the school with her best friend and
fellow study-a-holic, Mai. I shot her the evil eye even though with her back
to me, she missed it.
Aaron cringed. "How bad was it?"
"That's the worst part," I said. "I got a 68. That's almost a C."
Aaron shook his head. "A 68 is pretty bad."
"But this is me," I pointed out. "And science. It was a miracle I didn't
fail with all the crazy stuff Hilliard asked on that quiz. Label every part
of a frog's insides. Who can do that?"
"Your sister," Aaron said. The duh didn't come out of his mouth, but the eye
roll implied it.
"That's exactly what Mom said when she flipped out. 'Maxine is your twin.
You have practically the same genes. There is no reason you couldn't get at
least a B.'"
"You can't really blame Max for being happy about her quiz, but.ouch."
"Yeah. So now Mom's concerned about my study habits and wants to help me
with science tomorrow." I made the air quotes for Mom's key words. "So no
video games until I've mastered frog guts."
"Tomorrow morning?" Finally, Aaron got the problem and the smirk vanished.
He shared my pain. Looking forward to our weekly video game marathons got me
through school days. How was I gonna survive the next seven hours knowing
that my agenda for tomorrow was frog guts rather than victory in an epic
virtual battle?
"Forget the video game marathon," I said. "Forget taking down the Orc boss.
Forget Doritos. Instead, I get to study for a quiz I've already bombed."
"Well," Aaron said, "look at the bright side."
I huffed. "What's that?"
Aaron shrugged. "Sorry, dude. No clue. Just trying to cheer you up."
"Thanks a lot," I grumbled, then yanked open the gray, steel door. Leaving
the world of sunlight and fresh air behind me, I braced myself for another
day of "improving my mind" and trudged into the building.
Chapter 2: That's Odd
Two steps into the lobby, I froze. Aaron knocked into my back, followed my
gaze to the center of the space, then grunted.
Mr. Hilliard, lover of anything sciency and frog guts in particular, stood
in the middle of the front lobby. He'd traded his Harry Potter glasses for
rock star shades. Black ones, with mirrored lenses and frames that wrapped
around the sides. They didn't go any better with his Einstein-like fro than
his usual ones.
Hilliard held a second pair of sunglasses high over his head. He yelled
something I couldn't make out over the start-of-school-day chaos, but a
crowd of kids stood listening to him. Max was there with a confused
expression on her face, which was particularly weird, since nothing at
school ever confused her.
Rock star shades on my science teacher.
Confusion on the Teacher's Pet's face.
There was something odd going on.
"Yo!" called someone behind us. We were blocking the next bus load of kids
on their way in. I peeled my eyes off the Hilliard and trudged toward the
hall leading to the sixth grade homerooms. I didn't make it far.
"Hey, Jared." My classmate, Brad, walked up wearing sunglasses identical to
Hilliard's. He drew a small black case out of a bag slung over his shoulder
and swept it across his smart phone, scanning the bar code. He selected my
name, Jared Cooke, from a list of students, then handed me the case. "Try
these."
He repeated the process for Aaron.
"What?" I opened the case. Inside was a pair those same sunglasses.
"Free trial of Game On! glasses," Brad said. "Mr. H. says they're the next
big thing. The only catch is you've gotta fill out a feedback form on how
you liked them at the end of the day." With a nod, he stepped past us,
taking two more cases from his bag.
I stared at the sunglasses in my hand. They looked pretty cool. Normally I
wouldn't take fashion advice from my nerdy science teacher, but I'd try the
glasses. When I slid them on, the frames fit snugly, like they were made for
me.
"So?" I struck a pose, arms crossed over my chest, head cocked to one side,
big attitude. "Do I look good?"
Aaron grinned. "Sure, dude. Cooler than Hilliard anyway." He slid on his own
pair.
Aaron was the most chilled-out guy in the seventh grade. The black
sunglasses totally worked with his long hair and lopsided grin - the perfect
finish to his cool gamer look.
Did they go with my short brown hair and freckles? Probably not. I was the
brain of our video game duo. I couldn't science, but killer plans for taking
on a horde of bad-guy minions were right up my alley. Aaron would never get
through the major battles without me.
I decided to assume I looked as cool as Aaron, and we strutted our way
across the lobby.
"Jared!" I turned and saw Hilliard, still surrounded by students, waving me
his way.
What have I done now?
"Coming," I yelled.
Turning to Aaron I said, "This can't be good."
"You can't be in that much trouble. It' too early," he said, his eyes on
Hilliard. "Good luck," he added and shot me a salute before turning down the
hall toward his homeroom.
"Thanks," I muttered. I took a deep breath and went to see whether
discipline for some unknown offense or science torture awaited me.
First Five Pages Writing Workshop: Jump Start Your Novel and Career
Rebecca,
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. It was witty and fun and the dialogue was good; maybe a little high-brow for “real” seventh graders, but that’s not a critique as much as a comment on your use of language.
Loved this:
I couldn't science, but killer plans for taking on a horde of bad-guy minions were right up my alley.
I’m going to try and not be a total cheerleader here. I could have used a little more tension. We are in chapter two and little has happened. I think this is a minor issue though, strong writing helps you here. We have great characterization, and the glasses at the end have a whole lot of promise.
Also, the first paragraph doesn’t jump out at me like it could. This sentence:
I picked him out instantly, even through the crush of bodies, by his shoulder-length black hair and ever-present smirk.
I might tighten this up a bit. It’s a little awkward, IMO.
Hi Rebecca,
ReplyDeletethis was really fun to read. just a couple of suggestions -
Before the "teachers pet" comment, mention that Maxine is his sister.
"Evil eye" sentence was awkwardly phrased and caused a speed bump
"The black sunglasses totally worked with his long hair and lopsided grin - the perfect finish to his cool gamer look."
Jared checking out Aaron - not sure if a boy would think that about his friend? Unless it was romantic...and even then, I'm not sure if they'd think so at that age? ie, checking out clothes..? I've never been a 7th grade boy, so... :)
Otherwise, enjoyed it!
Cheers, Lana
Hi Rebecca!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this excerpt. I thought the voice was particularly strong, and Jared seemed like he would be really easy for kids to relate to. I mean, who doesn't have at least one subject they struggled with in school, who didn't feel totally uncool compared to their friends? And the frog guts--ugh!
I did have a couple of suggestions to make the beginning punch a little bit more. First off, while I liked Jared right away, it took me a little while to get invested in his problems. Part of it was the phrasing "bad news"--it's incredibly vague, and while I could tell he was upset right off, it seems like someone who played a lot of video games would find a more imaginative way to describe his impending doom. I also thought that the beginning did a good job of illustrating Jared's personality, and I really enjoyed Aaron's quips, but it was perhaps a little slow where plot was concerned. You might consider starting the story a little bit later, or at least make the connection between Jared's struggling in science to no more video games sooner.
A couple of phrasing issues that tripped me up: "I picked
him out instantly, even through the crush of bodies, by his shoulder-length
black hair and ever-present smirk." But surely by the time Jared sees the smirk he has already identified Aaron?
"But she's such a teacher's pet she won't get the game until after finals." I found that awkward because her teacher would never know whether she had the video game or not.
I agree with Lana on "The black sunglasses totally worked with his long hair and lopsided grin - the perfect finish to his cool gamer look." Your initial description of Aaron was just a few pages earlier, so I don't think we need this much description of him so soon. Maybe just the "cool gamer look" to contrast with Jared's own self image.
Loved the description of Mr. Hilliard!
Very enjoyable read! Thank you for sharing it!
Kim
Hi Rebecca. I love middle grade fiction because you can put in great phrases about frog guts. “Mr. Hilliard, lover of anything sciency and frog guts in particular,” and “no video games until I've mastered frog guts” are fantastic lines.
ReplyDeleteI also liked that Aaron’s first worry of what the worst news ever could be was that he’d have to eat carrots. Kid after my own heart. I think you could delete “instead of Doritos” and the line would be that much stronger.
I have to agree that the first chapter is a little slow. The dialogue is a little contrived but with a little tightening, could be great. I also stumbled on “the crush of bodies” part in the first paragraph. I like that he is worried about essentially ruining the fun for his friend as well as for himself. Shows us his character. I enjoy Aaron’s responses but their conversation seems a little forced.
Would kids call each other classmates? "Hey, Jared." My classmate, Brad, walked up wearing sunglasses identical to…” Just a question.
Video games and frog guts. Sounds like an enjoyable read to me.
Linda
Hi Rebecca! I'm still learning what makes good middle grade myself, but I really like this. It's sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun.
ReplyDeleteI do second what the others say about tightening the first part. Reading your dialogue out loud might help. A couple more thoughts
1. I dont' think we need quite so much of what his mom said. The situation is so familiar that I think readers can fill in the blanks a bit themselves, and I think it's a bit part of what's slowing down this section.
2. Having him answer the question right after the second guess feels a bit abrupt to me. Patterns of three are incredibly prevalent in fiction, (and fairy tale, and myth, etc) and one of the the reasons is that we're either wired or conditioned to expect that pattern. When you start setting a pattern up and then don't finish it, it feels off, if that makes sense. You need another beat in the conversation there.
3. You've got a great foundation for your dialogue here, and the kids have good voices. The tricky thing about conversations in fiction is that they can't be as rambly or awkward as conversations in real life, but they still have to sound like real life. And one way to do that, I've found, is to write as if your characters are sort of having conversations with themselves instead of each other. Think of a conversation as two roads running right beside each other. Sometimes they overlap, sometimes they veer away, sometimes they run perfectly parallel, but they're two separate roads all the same, each going to a slightly--or wildly--different place. (I hope this is making sense?) For example, characters don't always have to directly respond to what the other person said, before continuing the conversation.
I sort of played around with a section of the first part below, in an effort to show you what I mean. Obviously this is just an example, your mileage may vary, etc. :D
I'm excited to see the next revision! And also I really want to know what happens when he puts the glasses on. :)
Good luck
______
Aaron fell in step with me. "Let me guess." He rubbed his chin as if trying to look thoughtful. "Your mom's on another health food kick and we're gonna have to eat carrot sticks during our video game marathon tomorrow."
I shook my head.
Aaron rubbed his chin some more. "Your sister got the new Just Dance and
we'll have to take turns on the Wii?"
"That would be bad," I agreed. "This is worse."
My twin sister Maxine was ahead of us, walking into the school with her best friend and fellow study-a-holic, Mai. I shot her the evil eye even though with her back
to me, she missed it.
"I give up," Aaron said.
"It's Maxine's fault," I told him, because of course it was. "She wanted a
pat on the head for getting a 102 on the science quiz - every question
right, plus extra credit. Ugh! Then Mom turns to me and said, 'let's see
your quiz.'"
Aaron cringed. "How bad was it?"
"It was good for me!" I say. "I got a 68. That's almost a C."
Aaron shook his head. "My mom would kill me if I got a 68."
"But this was science," I said. "It was a miracle I didn't
fail with all the crazy stuff Hilliard asked on that quiz. Label every part
of a frog's insides? What normal person can do that? But Mom flipped out and now she wants to help me with science tomorrow." I made the air quotes for Mom's key words. "So no video games until I've mastered frog guts."
Aaack! This is great! Thank you! I love idea of using the rule of three with the questions. And I have to admit, I didn't fully get the parallel roads idea, but am going to look closely at how you changed this. It does feel like it's moving forward faster. Thanks!
DeleteRebecca, I agree with the others. Middle grade fiction is such a fun genre, especially with a male protagonist. Being a mom of three boys, I know they can say the funniest, craziest things. You do a great job capturing that sweet middle grade boy voice. I love the frog guts and the video game references. It's so spot on.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few suggestions I have. I'm a little concerned by the dialogue regarding the mother comparing the smart twin with the other. I know these relationships exist, but I get the feeling that addressing these issues isn't focus of this story.
Your opening sentence probably can a little better. If we were doing a First Line Friday, I'd want to you to give me an opening that would make me say, "Oh, I want to hear more!"
Both chapters feel very quiet. Although I do love all of the "boy" elements of these two chapters, I somewhat wonder if you're starting the story too early. Nothing really happens and I'm not all sure what the story is about. I know five pages isn't enough to really get a clear picture of a story. That said you really only have that many pages to not only to capture your middle grade readers, but also an agent's attention. The questions going through my head are: Why are these sunglasses significant? Why is the science teacher passing out sunglasses? It struck me as sort of weird that the middle teacher is passing out sunglasses, unless is for a science project. I sort of got that it had to do with the gaming community. The other thing was that this was all happening within the lobby of the school. Was this a classroom lesson that he took outside the class? I don't know. I was kind of confused by the whole scene.
Overall, for you you've nailed the voice, the quirky middle school boy thing, and your dialogue is spot on. You've got a great piece here and I can't wait to see your revision.
Okay, I've definitely heard that I need to move faster in the first pages. I already made some cuts based on the first comments I received. I'll go back and cut more. Thanks!
DeleteThanks so much to everyone for the comments on my first five! I'm psyched to jump back in for a rewrite and look forward to reading the new versions next week!
ReplyDeleteHi Rebecca!
ReplyDeleteThank you for letting me read and give you feedback. I really appreciate the opportunity and the trust! As with the others, I want to let you know that I haven't read the notes so these thoughts are my own.
You know, I really like these pages. I love the middle grade voice and find the concept fascinating. I know something fun and interesting is going to happen. What I feel, overall, is that you could ramp up the excitement.
~Maybe less time walking in the hallway?
~Maybe he could be a little more of a bad boy? Not so much planning to obey his mother as planning to disobey, trying to find ways around the mandate? Can he be a little more cheeky and subversive since he is a kid who gets bad grades and obsesses over gaming?
~Maybe this is not a quiz he has to study for, but something so monumental that he'll have to repeat the 7th grade if he doesn't do it?
Think stakes and tension here. Don't be timid with these characters. You have some great dialogue in here and I totally buy the boy voice. Just take some chances and make it exciting for the reader.
~What makes this guy special? Is he bad at everything, but exceptional at Rubik's cube? Maybe give us a hint at what makes him extraordinary so we want to know more about him and his life.
~Also, something to connect emotionally would be good. Is his mom an exhausted single parent? Is his sister secretly fighting some battle? Can we connect to his family on an emotional level? (I'm thinking Hunger Games here, like Katniss and Prim's cat, the loss of her dad, etc). Even if it's going to be a goofy boy action thing, root us! Like Elliot and E.T. and his missing dad in Mexico with what's her name, or Percy Jackson and his abused mom. We have to care for real in order for the story to work.
Hope this helps! Good luck revising!
Best,
Estelle