Sunday, April 10, 2016

1st 5 Pages April Workshop - Hall Rev 1

Name: Linda Hall
Genre: Young Adult Contemporary Realistic Fiction
Title: Jess & Tess
I call us the Carnies. The oddities from places unknown. We roll into town, dazzle the locals for a while, and then vanish without a second thought. We never had a choice. Nobody said sign on the dotted line or asked us to pledge our allegiance. We were just born this way.
We’ve lived in big city basements and on country south forties but, no matter the space, we set up the same old life with the same old story. People used to ask us to come. Excited that Dad would be exactly what their company needed, the fresh face to solve their problems. But he always proved them wrong. Now we bounce from place to place chasing his elusive fresh start. This time is no different. His act is always the same. The last hundred miles of Interstate 6 is spent with him dreaming of collapsing corporate structures, CEOs begging him to help, and of award banquets and yearly bonuses. The thirty miles of Route 201 are spent with stories of how he was happiest and can do the most good in middle management, the heart of any organization really.  Five miles of Main Street, he just wants something to believe in, and on the dirt road that leads to our new house, he just hopes the local mechanic shop is hiring. As he steps out of the van and stretches, he says “This time will be different, girls. I can feel it.”
It doesn’t take long to attract the attention of the locals. The first is always the neighbor who spends all afternoon retrieving his mail. This one’s a classic. It starts with him pretending nothing interesting is happening next door while he casually walks to the mailbox. He catches a brief glimpse of Tess carrying a box inside. He takes the mail out of the box and slowly turns to go back in. A tiny notice of me walking to the truck. He briefly flips through the envelopes. Sees Tess come back out…but wait. Didn’t she just go in? He pretends this envelope is particularly interesting and his stroll becomes a shuffle. Tess and I pass each other. He stops and his brief glance becomes a stare when we walk out, side by side. We turn to look at him and his stare becomes a full blown gawk. They all have the same look. Wondering if their eyes are playing tricks on them. Or do they suddenly have double vision? They’re searching for the simple explanation. When I yell, “Oh my god! We’re just twins,” it helps them to quickly solve the puzzle and they hurry back inside.
“Jess!” Dad barks but immediately follows up with “I’m sorry, Sir.” But the man has already gone inside. “You know you’re not helping yourselves when you do that.” And so our show begins. We’re the freaks with the matching sweaters and Dad, the king of the clowns.
“I don’t care,” I say when Dad corners me a few minutes later by the front door. There’s nothing he can say that I haven’t already heard. I am surprised, though, when he says “Follow me,” and takes the box from my hands and starts walking up the stairs. He pushes open one of the bedroom doors and walks to the middle of the room. “What do you think?” he asks as he sets the box down. “I thought I would sleep on the pull out couch so you girls can have your own rooms.” I don’t meet his eyes right away and decide to casually look around, this corner to that, closet open and closet closed, before I finally settle at the window. “You girls have always asked for your own rooms,” he reaffirms because I’m taking too long to answer. I know he wants me to be excited and grateful for his sacrifice but it’s too late. Out this window, down the dirt road, turn on Main Street, and take Route 201 to Interstate 6. I’m already gone.

15 comments:

  1. Hey Linda,

    Talk about stepping up to the plate! You changed a lot. I really like the voice. The opening is really strong. I think you did a great job of increasing tension. I feel more invested in this version. I wanted to read more.

    I do miss some of the interaction you had in the first version. The girls interacting some at school watching the car riders. The neighbors reaction to seeing twins caught me off guard. I found myself wondering about all the times I've seen twins. I don't think I've ever reacted that way or even seen that very often. I could be wrong though. I think twins "feel" that way sometimes, but it might not be reality.

    I really like what you have done!

    Jeff

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    1. Thanks for your comments, Jeff. I agree about the neighbor now that I read it again after a few days. Back to the drawing board.

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  2. Hi Linda,
    such a difference! cool.

    I agree with Jeff about the twins comment...I don't know if that's such a big deal / if people would react like that.

    I'd still like to understand her reaction when dad says they can have their own room - is that a good thing? Sounds like she's planning to run away - is that right?

    I really liked the description of her dad / the highway.
    Cheers, Lana
    I love this line: We’re the freaks with the matching sweaters and Dad, the king of the clowns.

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    1. Hi Linda,

      I think this opening is much stronger than before. I'm glad you moved it and tweaked it to become your beginning scene.

      I feel that the first few paragraphs feel like adult fiction, and I don't really know who the main character is. I mean, I know it's only a few pages, but you usually want to get an idea right away of who is speaking. I like the backstory and traveling with Dad, but can that come later? We need to get into your MC's head right away, I believe.

      I like confusing the neighbor routine but the way it’s written now I was a little confused as to what was happening. I had to read that scene twice to see what the twins were doing.

      When Dad barks at Jess and says "Sorry, sir," where was he? We need to see him outside in the scene for this to make sense.

      I like the changes, however, and think you are a good writer. The other version felt more YA, though, as it focused on the girls and their new school, location, etc. Maybe you can find a balance between the two versions.

      Thanks, and nice job.

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    2. Thanks Lana. She planning to run away. Hopefully that will be more clear in the last revision.

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    3. Hi Ron. Thank you so much for your kind words. I understand about the adult fiction feel and will work to fix it. Thanks goodness for revisions.

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  3. I admire the risk taking and new direction you braved with this revision. Here are my thoughts:

    LOVE the new opening up through “second thought.” At this point I feel the need to know who the MC is before I will be able to empathize with her situation.

    The line “we were born this way,” is confusing since as a reader I don’t know who the “we” is. That could be a super effective statement if I’m connected to the character.

    There are a lot of “adult details and sensibilities” especially about Dad’s job that don’t feel authentically teen. I want to know how the MC feels about all the moving and Dad’s fresh starts. Is she resentful? Frustrated? Fed up? Supportive? I’d like a bigger dose of teen “emo.”

    I do like the bit with the neighbor and the twin double take, but I’d like to feel more actively “in the moment.” Would your MC be angry at a person she’s just met, or would she be more mischevious? Love the line” We’re the freaks with the matching sweaters and Dad, the king of clowns.

    I miss the scene with Tess packing and the separating of the rooms. It was a nice reveal of character and relationship. I also miss the starting a new school scene with the cliques. Maybe that’s still coming past the first 5. What if you open with the nosey neighbor and then go into the unpacking. Dad’s issues could pop up during that conflict/action especially if the girls are prickly about yet another move.

    I’d like more clarity about the MC’s “problem,” - that element that will entice me to go through the journey of the story with her. The want and need.

    Have you ever done the “6 things your character needs or wants to change” exercise? It really makes you unzip their thinking and zero in on what they are most passionate about changing in their life.

    I had an editor give me great advice called the rule of thirds. Ideally, each page should be approx. 1/3 moving the plot forward, 1/3 dialogue, and 1/3 inside the head of your character. It creates a nice balance and keeps you rooted in your MC’s POV.

    Again, bravo for trying a different take on the opening. That takes guts. You have a wealth of great elements to weave into a compelling story. Revise on!

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    1. Hi Leslie. I really appreciate the advice on the rule of thirds. I had never heard that before but I can see it now in the current book I'm reading. Makes a lot of sense. Thank you!

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  4. Hi Linda!

    Wow, you certainly changed a lot. I really like the new opening, the lines about the carnies and rolling into town. I like the voice, and the bit with the neighbor was great!

    I did think the pacing suffered a bit from all the exposition in paragraph 2. I like the way you interweave the dad's hopes and aspirations with the route they're taking, especially the way Jess comes back to it at the end. I think you could ramp up the interest by giving Jess something to do while her father is saying these things: look out the window, roll her eyes, exchange glances with Tess. Something that a. reminds us she's the protagonist and b. shows how she feels about all these hopes and dreams.

    Alternately, I think you could do as Leslie suggests and start with the nosy neighbor. If you kept the first three sentences, then moved into the nosy neighbor bit, you're kind of returning to the carnival motif with the freaks and matching sweaters and king of the clowns (which I loved, by the way).

    I thought the neighbor's confusion went on a little bit long once he saw both girls together. Twins are not that unusual, and I think he would have understood what they were sooner. I also wanted to see more of Jess's emotions here. Is she annoyed, amused, angry that he confused her with Tess? And maybe why are they wearing the same sweater? Clearly they are old enough to dress themselves.

    I had never heard of the rule of thirds before--that's brilliant! Another revision technique I learned was to color code the story, highlighting the action one color, the dialogue another, exposition another, etc. You want to aim for a nice mix of colors (and if there are elements that overlap, that's great!), but if you see a large chunk of internal monologue or exposition you might want to break it up and integrate it elsewhere.

    Overall, I thought this was well written and quite descriptive, and I'm eager to see where you take it next!

    Kim

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    1. Thanks Kim. It was intense writing a new opening in so short of a time and I need to go back in and add a few things. Your suggestions are right on and I'll see where this one goes.

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  5. Hi Linda!

    Wow, you certainly changed a lot. I really like the new opening, the lines about the carnies and rolling into town. I like the voice, and the bit with the neighbor was great!

    I did think the pacing suffered a bit from all the exposition in paragraph 2. I like the way you interweave the dad's hopes and aspirations with the route they're taking, especially the way Jess comes back to it at the end. I think you could ramp up the interest by giving Jess something to do while her father is saying these things: look out the window, roll her eyes, exchange glances with Tess. Something that a. reminds us she's the protagonist and b. shows how she feels about all these hopes and dreams.

    Alternately, I think you could do as Leslie suggests and start with the nosy neighbor. If you kept the first three sentences, then moved into the nosy neighbor bit, you're kind of returning to the carnival motif with the freaks and matching sweaters and king of the clowns (which I loved, by the way).

    I thought the neighbor's confusion went on a little bit long once he saw both girls together. Twins are not that unusual, and I think he would have understood what they were sooner. I also wanted to see more of Jess's emotions here. Is she annoyed, amused, angry that he confused her with Tess? And maybe why are they wearing the same sweater? Clearly they are old enough to dress themselves.

    I had never heard of the rule of thirds before--that's brilliant! Another revision technique I learned was to color code the story, highlighting the action one color, the dialogue another, exposition another, etc. You want to aim for a nice mix of colors (and if there are elements that overlap, that's great!), but if you see a large chunk of internal monologue or exposition you might want to break it up and integrate it elsewhere.

    Overall, I thought this was well written and quite descriptive, and I'm eager to see where you take it next!

    Kim

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  6. I'm so impressed. I feel like this is a much more active beginning, more intriguing. I also like understanding a bit more about how these girls are at the mercy of their dreaming, grandiose father, however I feel like it could come a little later or be more concise.

    I became confused about the neighbor. I don't feel twins are unusual, especially now, and unless you're going to show something mischievous in scene, perpetrated by the sisters to cause confusion for the neighbor, you might want to rethink.

    On that note, I think it would help us to know the protagonist if, right away, there was some sense of the closeness between the girls. What is their secret language? If they're grifters, what do they do, what's the game? If you show their closeness and entanglement, however difficult it may be, at the end of the scene when their dad says they're separating, it will be more powerful. We will feel something about it.

    Also, are they beautiful? Because for a second, the neighbor felt like a pedophile, checking them out like that. So maybe make sure that's not going on unless it's intentional.

    Amazing job. Brave editing! Onward!

    Estelle

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    1. Hi Estelle. The part of the neighbor being a pedophile was not intentional but can see where it would have that vibe. I'll definitely work on that one. Hopefully I can work this all out on the next revision.

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  7. Great revision! I get a much better picture of Jess and Tess and dad and why they move around so much. And my heart really goes out to the girls!
    In your first paragraph, I think your comparison of them to Carnies is clearer now. But there is something that’s still itching at me. I think it’s that the “us” is unclear. I initially assumed it meant the three of them. But really, it should be just Jess and Tess, right? B/c the “we never had a choice” would only apply to the girls, not dad. “We were just born this way.” I’m not sure about this. It’s not really a genetic issue, it’s more one of their dad’s amazing abilities to talk his way into jobs and his inability to perform in them, no? Do the girls have some similar type of talent? And “vanish without a second thought.” I wonder if that’s really the way she feels. It seems that she is really broken over the frequent moves. I guess that this isn’t really a specific suggestion, as much as saying that this paragraph is opening up a lot of questions for me which you don’t plan to answer very soon and I wonder if this is the right place for it. Or for all of it.
    In the paragraph with “a brief glimpse of Tess carrying a box inside.” I think it would be better to use a brief description (teenage girl with long, red hair, or whatever) than the name since the new neighbor wouldn’t know her name and also b/c one of the girls labelled as “tess” is actually Jess.
    In the part about them wearing the same sweaters, I wonder why they do, and why Dad doesn’t discourage it if it leads to this behavior.
    A nitpiks: I don’t know what “country south forties” are.
    I really like your cliffhanger that she’s already planning on leaving.
    Great job! I’m looking forward to finding a bit more about where your story’s going with the pitch next week.

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    1. Hi Rebecca. Just for clarification, on ranches and farms where people have a lot of acreage, the south 40 refers to the 40 acres south of the main house. Because it was so far away, sometimes they built a small house so they didn't have to keep going back and forth when they worked the south 40.

      Thank you for all of your thoughtful questions and insight. I hope I can address them in the next revision. Fingers crossed.

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