Name: Kimberly Bea
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
Title: Walking on Knives
Neri's body cut through the water with the speed of a sailfish. She dove behind a giant rock formation with the tip of her tail sticking out. If hiding from a predator, she would have stayed behind the rocks completely, silver scales scattering light and green-black hair waving like sea grass around her. But no predator was in her wake, only her elder sister, Twyla. Neri had every intention of being found.
Eventually.
She waited behind the rocks and curled her fingers into the seaweed, giggling when fish swam past her belly. Hurry up, Twyla, she thought, bobbing up and down like kelp. It's my turn to chase after you, and there are places I want to explore!
When Twyla still didn't come, Neri's impatience turned to worry. Was there a shark or squid she hadn't seen? Twyla wasn't as good a fighter as she was, despite being three years older; she had never needed to be. Twyla lived in the Sea King's palace: protected, guarded, cherished.
Neri lived on the ocean floor, in a cave filled with human bones.
She poked her head past the rocks and scoured the murky waters for a glimpse of her sister, or for a predator she'd have to fight off. If something had happened to Twyla, Neri couldn't live with herself.
Not that their father would give her the chance.
She pushed out from behind the rocks, swimming like a shark was after her--until she propelled herself straight into Twyla's arms.
Twyla giggled, silver eyes twinkling as she encircled Neri in a soft embrace. "I got you!"
Neri made a half-hearted attempt to shake her off. "I thought something got you." But the corners of her mouth curled up, and soon she was giggling, too. Twyla had got her, all right.
The girls laughed together for a moment, then Neri pushed away slightly. "Come on, it's my turn now." Her tail twitched to get moving again, and Neri longed to plunge deeper into the ocean depths, to show her sister the twilight realm few mer explored.
But Twyla wouldn't release Neri's arms. "That's my little Neri." She smiled sweetly and stroked the side of Neri's face. "Always worrying over me. I'll miss that."
"Miss it? I'm not going anywhere." Neri laughed, stopped when she noticed Twyla had stopped. More quietly Neri asked, "Are you?"
Twyla's face was placid, like the figurehead of a ship. "I'm nearly sixteen. Father wishes me to wed."
"No.” Neri set her jaw and looked away. "It can't be time for that yet." Hadn't they just been through it with Opal? No, that must have been two years ago. Marriage was always stealing Neri's sisters away.
Twyla sighed. "I'm a princess. This is what I'm meant for."
But it wasn't. Twyla was meant to be Neri's sister and friend. Who else snuck out to visit and play with her? Who else even remembered she was alive? There was Twyla, and there had been Opal, until she was sent off to the Northern Sea. Who here would care about Neri now?
Twyla patted Neri's shoulder. "At least he's not sending me away."
"He's not?" Father, give up a chance to use a daughter as a bargaining tool? That was unheard of.
Seven seas with seven princes. Seven daughters to be their brides. And the eighth?
She was never meant to be born.
Twyla gave a bitter laugh. "Oh, Father wants to keep me close to home. He'll marry me to the Prince of the Middlesea, Megakles."
And that was when Neri realized, however upset she was, she couldn't indulge it now. For Twyla's sake, she must stay strong.
Twyla's smile faded. "Megakles isn't known for his kindness. Neri, I'm scared." Her breath came in small, uneven gasps.
"Not known for his kindness"--that was a polite understatement if Neri had ever heard one. Even an outcast like she was had heard the stories about Megakles. They said the king of the Mer had bled his ruthlessness into the heart of the ocean, and the prince of the Middlesea lapped it right up. Such kindred spirits must either be partners in ruthlessness or sworn enemies.
Since Agathon was giving up his favorite daughter to Megakles, his choice in the matter was clear.
Neri patted her sister's arm. "You'll win him over. Charm him like you have the rest of us. Who would ever be unkind to you?"
"I don't know." Twyla looked down.
Neri smiled, gave her a playful punch on the chin. "And if he is, you come find me. I'll show him a thing or two."
Twyla gave a weak chuckle, then hiccupped. "Tough . . . Little . . . Neri." She wasn't breathing the way she ought to. She took in water, but it didn't come out her gills; she had to spit it out or swallow it, like a human. And when humans took in sea water, they drowned.
Neri put one hand on either side of Twyla's neck and began massaging her gills. This had happened many times before, and that usually got them unstuck so Twyla could breathe.
Usually.
This time it did not.
No matter how Neri rubbed, Twyla kept gasping and gulping, and Neri had no idea what she should do next.
Find the Sea Hag.
But the Hag wandered the ocean, telling no one where she would and would not be. If they swam down to her Grotto and she wasn't there . . .
They couldn't chance it.
Surface, Neri decided. Mermaids can breathe like humans up there. Gills close, lungs kick in. . . I think that's where we need to be. Could they make it up there in time? Twyla's life was at stake; they had to try.
Neri backed up to Twyla and threw her arms over her shoulders, knowing this was faster than if Twyla tried to swim on her own. Then, at once she began her ascent.
Up through the swaying kelp forest they swam, past floating jellyfish and clutching polyps. Neri swam ever upward, heedless of any plants, fish, or creatures between the two she passed along the way. Until, about a dolphin length beneath the surface, she heard Twyla say, "No."
And then a huge gulp, and the sound of water pushing out her gills.
Neri released Twyla and turned to face her. Twyla's gills worked hard and her human half gasped and gulped. Her lips were pale, her body twitching as it re-taught itself to function.
"Are you all right now?" Neri touched the side of her face, stroked her silvery hair. "I'll still take you up there if you need."
"No." Twyla's color was better; her breath getting back to normal. "I think it's over." "I guess we'll have to stop playing now." Neri sighed. "And I can't take you back to my cave." Her home was beneath the sunlit ocean, in the twilight where the night hunters and phosphorescent creatures dwelt. Twyla hated it, no matter how much she pretended she didn't. "I'd better take you home."
Twyla's eyes were sad, but there was a noticeable relaxing of her brows. "I am so sorry. I wanted to visit."
"Breathing is a bigger priority." Neri was too worn out to conceal her disappointment. "And you're not swimming back to the palace by yourself."
First Five Pages Writing Workshop: Jump Start Your Novel and Career
Kimberly,
ReplyDeleteYou have some writing chops, no doubt. I like the concept. Little mermaid meets the “real world”. It certainly seems original to me. I do worry about dialogue under the sea in YA. How do mermaids talk underwater? I don’t know, but it seems like a big issue right away. I kept thinking, how are they hearing one another? You may explain that later on, and I like not being told everything right away, but that was a though t I had while reading.
Though this could have been stronger by cutting “was”:
Even an outcast like she was had heard the stories about Megakles.
Thought this might be too much telling:
Mermaids can breathe like humans up there.
Thought these sentences could be tightened:
Neri backed up to Twyla and threw her arms over her shoulders, knowing this was faster than if Twyla tried to swim on her own.
Neri swam ever upward, heedless of any plants, fish, or creatures between the two she passed along the way.
Why did Twyla’s gill’s stop working? This seems to be a huge issue, but I’m not sure why a mermaid’s gills would just lock up all of a sudden. I may have missed the explanation.
I thought there was a bit too much giving of back story at times. I’d like to have seen this start with Twyla having difficulty breathing or some other type of conflict. Drop me in the action and then give some detail.
Overall nice job!
Of all the critiques I did, this one keep me thinking. My last paragraph was not my best. I think what I ineloquently wrote was more of a reaction to not getting *why* her gills stopped working. Clarify that and I think it works better.
DeleteThank you! And there is an explanation for Twyla's gills coming, but since everyone is asking about it, I think I should probably bring it forward.
DeleteThe dialogue: yeah. It's one of the things that trips me up. I don't want to strain my readers' suspension of disbelief, but it's tricky when adapting a fairy tale that didn't give much thought to these things. So I'm still working on it, I guess?
Thank you! And there is an explanation for Twyla's gills coming, but since everyone is asking about it, I think I should probably bring it forward.
DeleteThe dialogue: yeah. It's one of the things that trips me up. I don't want to strain my readers' suspension of disbelief, but it's tricky when adapting a fairy tale that didn't give much thought to these things. So I'm still working on it, I guess?
I thought of the gill thing as the mermaid equivalent of asthma and figured I'd hear more about it later. It didn't bother me, but moving up more detail might be a good idea since it bothered other people.
DeleteHi Kimberly,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this retelling.
You could go deeper into Neri's POV - deleting the "She thought" in the 3rd paragraph; "She noticed" Twyla; "Neri realized" - all these are filter words that distance us from the MC.
I agree with Jeffrey - I wasn't sure why Twyla's gills locked up.
Otherwise, really enjoyed it.
Cheers, Lana
This is a fun start to the story. I can picture the mermaid cutting through the water and giggling with her sister.
ReplyDeleteReally, I think your start is very strong. One princess destined to be wed to a brutal prince. One princess forgotten, her only friend about to leave.
The one place I was pulled out of the writing was with:
“And the eighth?
She was never meant to be born.”
At this point we’re trying to figure out why Twyla isn’t going away if she’s a princess of the age to be wed. Bringing up the eighth and what will happen to her, adds another open question before that one is answered, which I think is a bit confusing.
I really liked the pages and am interested to see where they go next week!
Rebecca
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Kimberly. I LOVE mermaids! Definitely an original concept. I read a lot and I haven’t come across many sea related stories so I’m glad to see one. I am also very intrigued with your title. It would be one that grabs my attention in the bookstore.
ReplyDeleteI did have a question about how old the girls were at first. They were playing so my assumption was young until I read that she was about to get married. Probably not a big deal but made me wonder. The fact that Twyla is going to be married to someone known for violence is compelling.
Fantastic line “Twyla lived in the Sea King's palace: protected, guarded, cherished.” Gives great insight into Neri’s thoughts and feelings.
With seven sisters, is Twyla the second sister to get married? Opal is already married and now it seems Twyla is about to be. Opal used to come play with Neri and now Twyla does. Will the next sister in line, or any of the other sisters, come visit Neri? Is Twyla her last hope at companionship?
Neri thinks immediately of the Sea Hag. Did she go through her options first? Are they friends? Does she know that the Sea Hag can help?
I wondered why her gills suddenly get stuck as well.
“Seven seas with seven princes. Seven daughters to be their brides. And the eighth? She was never meant to be born.” Great lines but I wonder if they would have more punch in your pitch. Just a thought.
You do a great job at describing action and I thoroughly enjoy your writing style. Can’t have enough mermaids. I want to read more.
Linda
Hi Kimberly,
ReplyDeleteThere’s a lot to like here! I really enjoyed the closeness of the two sisters, and could picture them playing hide and seek in the ocean. The eventually line did make me feel as if I was tricked, however. By setting it apart like that, it set up a dynamic that didn’t happen – there was no danger or mischief, as I expected.
I am assuming Neri is the 8th daughter, and so I was confused by the fact that her father would kill her (I assumed literally) if something happened to her sister. Why would he do that? If we need 7 princesses for 7 princes, why not have the 8th take her sister’s place? I also don’t understand why Neri has to stay in a cave. I understand this is a retelling, but it needs to be plausible within the confines of your story.
Watch out for pov shifts as well – for example, here-
Surface, Neri decided. Mermaids can breathe like humans up there. Gills close, lungs kick in. . . I think that's where we need to be. Could they make it up there in time? Twyla's life was at stake; they had to try.
There is a bit too much telling, instead of showing in these pages as well. The last 2 lines above are an example. It is far more effective it Neri struggles against a current, while holding her sister, listening to her breathing becoming worse by the second, etc. A line like “Twyla's life was at stake; they had to try” is all telling and also a tad melodramatic. The reader doesn’t feel Neri’s panic.
This was also confusing:
"Not known for his kindness"--that was a polite understatement if Neri had ever heard one. Even an outcast like she was had heard the stories about Megakles. They said the king of the Mer had bled his ruthlessness into the heart of the ocean, and the prince of the Middlesea lapped it right up. Such kindred spirits must either be partners in ruthlessness or sworn enemies.
I don’t understand the relationship between the King and Megakles. And this vague lapping up of ruthlessness does not make me fear Megakles. A short example of his viciousness, or a specific rumor, would.
You’ve done a great job of establishing the stakes here! The danger to Twyla, the loneliness of Neri, and the impending separation. I look forward to reading next week!
Hi Kimberly,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Erin that there is much to like here. Sister stories can be very powerful, and adding in the mermaid princess angle, is even better.
You have some very nice visuals, too. They just need a bit of tweaking and neatening. “…silver scales scattering light, her green-black hair waving like sea grass around her.” “She waited behind the rocks and curled her fingers into the seaweed, giggling when fish swam past her belly.”
I was struck by this sentence, which I believe would make a strong opening line.
“Neri lived on the ocean floor, in a cave filled with human bones.”
You read that, and immediately you know four things: A) She’s likely a mermaid. B) She’s probably lonely and neglected. (Or…a predator herself, which makes her even more interesting.) C) She’s a tough cookie. D) An atmosphere that sets the basic tone of the entire book.
As Erin’s already mentioned the telling vs showing and the confusion over the whole 8th daughter thing, (Is Neri is a bastard?) I’d like to take a look at a few ways we can punch up the dialogue and could ratchet up the tension around her sister’s impending betrothal. To make dialogue seem real, try to put yourself in Neri’s place. What would you say if you found out your sister was being forced to marry a creep. How would you feel? {{BTW--Since it seems they speak in a slightly formal, Courtly way, I’m staying with that tone of voice.}}
Twyla gave a bitter laugh. "Oh, Father wants to keep me close to home. He'll marry me to the Prince of the Middlesea, Megakles." Twyla turned her face away from Neri.
Twyla turned away from Neri. “Father has chosen to keep me close at hand.”
And that was when Neri realized, however upset she was, she couldn't indulge it now. For Twyla's sake, she must stay strong.
Neri, at first, believed she’d misunderstood. That perhaps a (insert tiny sea creature) had crawled into her ear overnight to muffle her hearing. Her sister would marry, but would also be near? How was that possible? How…
A chill skated along the edge of Neri’s fin, as if she’d glided over one of the deep crevasses, where pale, sightless things swam in the dark. “Megakles?” she whispered. “No. It cannot be.”
If you can work a bit on tightening up the stakes, and making the dialogue a bit truer, I think this could be really cool!!
Can't wait to see what you do with it!!
Hi Kimberly,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for giving me the opportunity to read and give you my feedback. It's a total honor. As with everyone else, I haven't read anyone else's comments, so these questions are entirely my own.
First, I think people are fascinated by mermaids, so that's a good thing. If you haven't read Michael Buckley's new series, I would! UNDERTOW is great. Also, I think you have a firm grasp of storytelling, which is obviously a plus and I think isn't as common as you would think.
To my questions:
~My biggest point is about telling vs. showing. You're giving a lot of exposition in the dialogue here. That's usually something you need to earn over the course of the story, once the reader is hooked and wants to know more. So my question is, is this the strongest way to begin the story? What if she loses Twyla and has to go back and admit it to her dad and we find out all about their different social positions, etc, by seeing them in scene? It doesn't have to be that exactly. Maybe Twyla passes out and almost dies and then she has to interact with that world? Show us how awesome this world you've constructed really is. And do it fast. Just a thought.
~Why is Neri responsible for Twyla when she's the older sister? Is she frail?
~The line about Neri living in the cave of bones is extremely powerful (in fact you have a lot of great imagery in here), but maybe could be better placed? Although the sisters love each other and we know about several issues they have, you could clarify some things about the tone by using that line to your advantage. Maybe consider?
~Neri has edge, where Twyla appears to have none. Don't be afraid of pushing the difference between them, of playing with the way they talk, their mannerisms, etc. It would be great if Neri had more of an adolescent, burnt out tone. Like, dark mermaid style. It's in there already, but could be brought forward. Mer-warrior!
~I love that I know the emotional problem from the start, but I don't know what the stakes are, and it's important, to hook an agent, that every line in these pages has impact and helps make a case for why the agent should read on, so make them nervous.
My advice is to set the tone, make the scene as impactful as possible, and creep us out so much that we can't look away.
I hope this is helpful!
Best,
Estelle