Sunday, March 6, 2016

1st 5 Pages March Workshop - Sullivan

Mary Sullivan
Young Adult
The Jade Quest

CHAPTER 1


Claire


It’s 3:45 p.m. and they expect me to get off the school bus in fifteen minutes. When I don’t, the shelter will send an alert to Indiana law enforcement and school officials. It’s their legal responsibility. I’m officially a ward of the state.

I shove open the shade covering the tiny window at seat 8A. The sun is shining over the Caribbean, gleaming off waves rippling over the reef below. The coral is haphazard, some here, a bunch there—like diluted ink. I dig my nails into the arm rest of the airline seat and smack the shade down. I need to stay calm. I should clear customs in half an hour.

Then I’ll just be another tourist or student or stranger in Belize.

After that, it doesn’t matter how many reports the shelter files. Once the paperwork’s in and they’ve covered their butts, it’ll be, “Whatever happened to that girl? The one whose parents disappeared? I heard she transferred.” Something like that.

Still, my parents’ disappearance is famous enough—or it was a couple of months ago—that getting through customs unnoticed might be difficult. At least that stupid freshmen yearbook photo plastered all over the news doesn’t even look like me.

“You’re awake,” says the kid to my right. I finally really look at him. Tall. Lean. Haircut that requires styling. I can see gel or something in there—it’s shiny-looking. And he’s got a Prada backpack. Prada backpack. On the way to a third-world country. I give him a half nod and put my earbuds back in.

He’s staring. I feel it. I glance over and catch his Caribbean-blue eyes watching me. They’re almost turquoise. Boys with highlights (I swear that’s what it looks like) don’t normally pay attention to me.

Which is fine.

What’s he doing on this flight anyway? It’s a school day.

“Are you by yourself?” He asks.

The plane will be landing soon. If the school didn’t buy my excused absence story, they could have already alerted the shelter. What if passport control’s waiting for me? I won’t go back, and I don’t have a Plan B.

“What are you doing down here?” He says.

This guy’s not taking a hint. I hold my breath, then sit up straight. Fine, I’ll consider it a dress rehearsal. “Study abroad.” I try to shrug like it’s no big deal, but my shoulders jerk up awkwardly and my voice sounds half an octave higher.

“It’s the middle of the semester.”

“So?”

“Weird time to study abroad.”

My chest feels hot. Why does he care? I’ve sat here, minding my own business since I changed planes in Atlanta. I even thought he was cute, but that’s when he was asleep. And watching his movie. And silent.

“What school are you going to?”

“Does it matter?” I snap, turning toward him. His skin is smooth and clear, his nose is straight, and I think he’d have dimples if he smiled. He looks air-brushed. I can’t turn away. His symmetry has me mesmerized. This gets on my nerves too.

“It doesn’t. I was just talking to you.”

Oh. “Sorry.” I twist the cord of my iPod around my finger. “I’m not having the best day, okay?”

“Parents making you? Enrichment or other such bullshit?”

“Huh?”

“Study abroad.”

“Uh, yeah.” I remove my earbuds. “Is that what you’re doing too?”

“No. I live here. With my dad. Mother summoned me state-side but now I remember why I chose to live with him.”

“Oh.”

“He doesn’t know I’m coming back early, so I figure I’ve got five days to smoke a pound of ganja in peace before I’m subjected to his half-assed attempts at good parenting.”

“Oh.” I fold and unfold my hands. “Won’t your mom tell your dad that you left early?”

He smooths back an unseen stray hair. “Um, no. See, she wants me to do her dirty work and tell him she’s getting remarried. Believe me, she won’t send him so much as a bitter text until she thinks the deed is done. But I don’t want to deal with the backlash either, so I’m headed to the cayes.” He cracks his knuckles. “Snorkeling high is so intense. Like you’re inside an aquarium.”

This is now his second drug reference.

“So what school?” He asks again.

I was doing okay living on my own. At least I was in my house with my own stuff. I don’t know who called the Department of Child Services—though I have a list of suspects—but the next thing I know a judge tells me he’s temporarily placing me in a group home for my “safety” because I’m a “minor” living alone.

So what school am I allegedly going to? My mind is blank.

Then I remember the last time I was in Belize with my parents, a couple years ago. On our way to the airport, mom pointed at a building and said if she had to extend her archaeological fieldwork into the next school year, I could go there. What was it called? I haven’t been here since I was fourteen.

A flight attendant comes by with customs forms. As I reach for one, I smile at the kid next to me. It’s a triumphant smile. “I’m going to the International School. In the capitol, Belmopan.”

After I lend him a pen, he finally stays quiet while we fill out our forms. The plane’s on its final descent. I put my tray table away and reopen the shade. The water’s closer now. It looks like we’re skating on it. From my side I can see Belize City, the urban capitol hugging the coastline.

My big toes press into the twenties I’ve got lined under my socks on the inside of my boots. I’ve got $532 left, and $500 of it is in my shoes. It’s nerve-wracking even seeing that much cash, much less carrying it into a foreign country.

I used to have a credit card in my name for emergencies, but it quit working two weeks ago. It’s okay because cash is harder to trace (that’s how it works on TV anyhow), plus I figure no one would think to rob hiking boots. Either way, I hope it’s enough until I find my parents.

I press my shoulder blades against the seatback in anticipation of landing. The runway looks like it’s in the middle of the Caribbean. I take a deep breath and almost smile. At least I’m finally doing something.

“Dude. No more than thirty days,” whispers the kid. With his head close to my face, I can smell his cologne. It’s subtle and nice and it annoys me that I like it.

I raise an eyebrow.

He points at my customs form, gripped between my fingers. I can’t believe he can read my tiny block letters. I’ve gottwo months written by the intended length of stay in Belize question. Big deal.

He leans over again. I can’t place the exact scent. “They only stamp you in for thirty days. They might give you shit about a visa if you say more.” He straightens up as the flight attendant walks by, as though she’s a librarian and we’re in the stacks instead of on a plane.

Panic seizes my throat, like someone’s gripping it. “Thirty days? But the semest—”

“Whatever. I don’t care why you’re really here, but I’m telling you: 30 days.”

9 comments:

  1. Hi Mary! From the get-go I definitely got the strength and resilience of your MC. Already I think she's smart and edgy, and definitely in a spot of trouble. I think the first person present POV is a good choice and you use it well to let us experience Claire's emotions - her anticipation of landing, and her annoyance of having to deal with a chatty seatmate who won't mind his own business.

    What I would look at:
    -sometimes your adjectives and what you're trying to describe for the reader don't necessarily match. "The coral is haphazard, some here, a bunch there—like diluted ink." Personally, I couldn't find the connection between how coral could be haphazard (is it color, proximity to something?) and yet like diluted ink. But that could just be me.
    -It took me a few readings to connect Indiana with the MC being in the Caribbean. The first paragraph led to me believe that Claire was actually IN Indiana, on a bus, and I did a double take when the next paragraph stated she was over the Caribbean.
    -Watch out for mismatching character dialogue with action that's not theirs (I do this too!): “You’re awake,” says the kid to my right. I finally really look at him. Tall. Lean. Haircut that requires styling.

    'I finally' should be the start of a new paragraph.

    The beginning reads as a thriller/mystery, so if that's true, you're dead on there! I don't read a lot of them but I'm wanting to know what's next :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ooh, running away to the Caribbean? I like!

    Her seatmate was annoying me too! Haha.

    I love that you have a different setting from the norm! And it really came through, good job. I could feel the sparkling water and bright sun.

    It was a bit confused at the beginning, you might need to make it a bit clearer from the beginning that she's in a plane, flying out of the country - though I think it might have been intentional? But it does seem a bit muddled.

    Your adjective choices can also seem a bit strange, and I don't think that you really need to explain a certain description. Do you know what I mean? You say the coral is "haphazard" and then go on to describe it again a different way.

    I like Claire! She seems resilient and independent and resourceful. And I totally don't blame her for snapping at the boy who won't shut up!

    I'm really interested in what's going to happen, and finding out the things you teased at here - why has she run away? What happened to her parents? Where did she get so much money? Why the Caribbean?

    Good job!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ooh, running away to the Caribbean? I like!

    Her seatmate was annoying me too! Haha.

    I love that you have a different setting from the norm! And it really came through, good job. I could feel the sparkling water and bright sun.

    It was a bit confused at the beginning, you might need to make it a bit clearer from the beginning that she's in a plane, flying out of the country - though I think it might have been intentional? But it does seem a bit muddled.

    Your adjective choices can also seem a bit strange, and I don't think that you really need to explain a certain description. Do you know what I mean? You say the coral is "haphazard" and then go on to describe it again a different way.

    I like Claire! She seems resilient and independent and resourceful. And I totally don't blame her for snapping at the boy who won't shut up!

    I'm really interested in what's going to happen, and finding out the things you teased at here - why has she run away? What happened to her parents? Where did she get so much money? Why the Caribbean?

    Good job!

    ReplyDelete
  4. How intriguing! I think this shows so much promise. I like the elegant set up (she's there to find her parents who disappeared) and the way you use the interaction with the seatmate to show her struggle and attempt at subterfuge.

    A few things:
    Writing--comb through for the details, word choice, punctuation. Apart from a few errors, though (I'm a stickler), Claire's voice is straightforward and focused, like she is!

    I'm wondering how a young person gets hold of that much cash. It might be worth commenting on it--did she steal it, save it and withdraw over time, cash a check? How did she buy the plane ticket if her card stopped working two weeks ago? Was this something she'd been planning or was it a sudden flight? If she did use her credit card, is she worried people will see she bought a ticket? If she didn't, again, how on earth did she pay for the fare? And I assume she was allowed to keep possession of her passport? I'm not sure if kids are normally empowered to keep possession of their important documents--usually responsible adults would manage that. I think it might be worth it for Claire to be thinking back to how she got this far. Not an elaborate story, but just a few details to enhance plausibility and sooth the mind of a questioning reader.

    I don't expect you to lay out her logic immediately, but I'm wondering why she thinks Belize is the place to look. Was there a clue? Could she simply mention she has reason to suspect her parents are there (when, I assume, authorities don't, or have given up) because ____? However vague, again, it might help flesh things out. I'm definitely NOT suggesting an info dump--and I think you've done well not to do that. But a well-placed brief reference, phrase, or sentence does wonders.

    This next thing is just kind of an issue for me as a child psychologist who has worked extensively with the child welfare and JJ population--a group home isn't the same as a shelter in most cases, and I can't think of a reason she'd be in front of a judge unless she was somehow trying to make a claim of emancipation (but even so, this would take some time and she'd have to have a place to stay in the meantime) or had committed a crime. In addition, the first thing the children's services worker would probably try to do is to find 1) relatives, even if out of state, or, if that doesn't work, 2) a foster home. They don't go straight to putting kids in congregate care, especially if said kid has no established behavioral problems. Not that the system is perfect or the same in every state, but ... (sorry--most people won't notice or care about this stuff, but I always comment on it).

    I think this is a very promising start, and with just a few details added to increase plausibility, the reader will fly through the pages.

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  5. Hi! First of all, I loved the set up and the MC. It's unique, which is awesome. :D I don't think it would be difficult to change the opening slightly to clarify where she is, perhaps by having her look out at the water and consider the difference between that scenery and Indiana? I think the bigger issue is how in this day and age with travel security, she got on a plane to a different country. I'm assuming since she traveled with her parents, she has a passport from before. And that she's likely old enough for a license. But -- and maybe this is nit picky -- wouldn't she have to remove her shoes for security, with all the money inside? If her name is notable, even if she looks different, wouldn't someone have commented on seeing her license? IDK just thoughts.
    It would also be simple enough to put her in a foster home, where they expect her home at a certain time if the group home is an issue.
    I would comb through, as suggested above, and look at certain adjectives. You will find it sounds stronger without them sometimes. For example: "I glance over and catch his Caribbean-blue eyes watching me. They’re almost turquoise." Might sound better as I glance over and catch him watching me. His eyes are almost turquoise. Caribean-blue seems a bit much and he watches her, not his eyes. Just simplify whenever possible. But very good start and very good story. I'm definitely hooked!

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  6. It sounds like Claire is heading from trouble to lots more trouble. Seeing how she survives will be interesting and fun. I like her. She’s very sixteenish in that she thinks she has it all figured out, but, oops, no she doesn’t.

    You have a great setup for the rest of the story which I’m guessing will also involve the boy sitting beside her on the plane.

    I also noticed the shift from Indiana to the plane. How about after she tells us she’ll land in about half an hour, then she could tell us that’s about the same time they’ll start looking for her back in Indiana.

    The security and logistics issue will be a problem for some readers. Claire needs to have a credit card that works. I travel lots in my work and am in a lot of airports. I’ve never been able to buy an airline ticket or pay for a checked bag at any airport without a credit card. Maybe she could have a credit card with a very low credit limit of $500 like my daughter has or even $1,000. Claire maxes it out purchasing the ticket and checking her bag and now it’s worthless to her.

    Here’s what popped into my mind about Claire that I’m sure you don’t want happening. Her parents disappeared two months ago, she was okay with living by herself and now she’s escaping to another country. No “I miss my parents” or “I hope they come back” from her. It’s as if she’s okay with being rid of them. So, I’m wondering if she was responsible for their disappearance. In reality, your intent is probably the opposite and she’s actually setting out to rescue them. How about her not being so cool with their disappearance and having her show some emotion indicating she misses them.

    I can see a scene involving her trip to the airport being a bit of an adventure with some suspense. How did she get to the airport? And that money stuffed in her shoes when she takes them off going through security? How about a police car with lights flashing on the way to the airport, airport security showing up as she’s boarding, problems clearing security or boarding the flight? Just an idea that might not fit with your story at all.

    I’d also like to see a few more place details such as the name of the town she left, or the name of the school or something about the airport. An example would be when you mentioned the Department of Child Services by name.

    You have a great start with a couple interesting and likeable characters. This story’s going to be fun to read. I really the opening.

    This question has only to do with personal curiosity. Why did you have Claire come from Indiana?
    Joel

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  7. Hi Mary,
    I liked your opening too. Who hasn't dreamt of jumping on a plane to somewhere sunny? I think my comments will be mostly a reiteration of what others have covered.

    First I agree about thinking she was on a bus. It's an easy fix if you reorder the sentence to make the height the opening.

    I found 'third world country' jarring. Maybe I'm being overly PC, but it feels like a term that has gone out of fashion in favour of 'developing'. Not that that would sound right from your character either. Maybe mention something about crime rates? Or poverty levels?

    Two lines of dialogue from Claire are "Oh." I also felt like the way you switch from dialogue to reminiscences broke things up in an awkward way. Specifically, the section that starts "I was doing ok..." could easily be moved so that it doesn't break the dialogue.

    I agree with the money and security comments. I'm pretty sure she would have had her shoes checked before boarding and having money in there is very suspicious. I don't think $500 is enough to make a security guard question her having it, unless it's hidden in her shoes!

    One last detail: she says it looks like the runway is in the middle of the Caribbean. Did you mean the actual sea? It confused me because when someone says the Caribbean I think the whole place, not just the water.

    Good luck with the revisions!
    Sarah

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  8. Hi,

    It feels like you are definitely starting in the right place with this--the setup is fantastically economical and jump starts the action with an enormous hook that will draw the reader into reading the pages. The story question -- presumably can she find her parents and a way to survive -- is compelling and right up front, and your MC is engaging and I'd be happy to read her voice through an entire book. Very well done!

    Just a few things:

    1) Check the logic of your mc's backstory and circumstances. I like the ticking-clock tension you've imposed by using the timeline of when her absence will be discovered, but I think you could do that with a foster care situation just as easily without calling accuracy into question. Make it clear that she has no relatives somewhere as well. Honestly though, all of this sounds like her parents have been gone longer than you imply later, which is just a couple of months. So why go to the foster care issue at all? She had to have been living with someone while her parents were working in Belize, right? They wouldn't have left her on their own. And the credit card company isn't going to cancel her card on their own as long as the bills get paid. So . . . why does she not go looking for her parents sooner? She can be running away from an aunt or someone as easily as foster care, and it can happen more quickly--as soon as she starts to feel like no one is really looking for her parents? Just a thought. Consider the needs of your story and see what works as simply as possible.

    2) Ground us on the airplane immediately in the transition out of that first paragraph. The shade doesn't immediately say "airplane" so there's a split second of confusion that you can avoid.

    3) Check some of your dialogue tags for formatting. Pronouns should not be capitalized in a tag the way you've done a couple of times.

    4) You've neatly (and economically) implied that her parents were on an archeological dig in Belize when they disappeared, and I think the mayan mystery aspect of this is FABULOUS. But I did have to work for that information a little too hard, and I wonder if too many people might miss the implication that they disappeared in Belize and that she's come looking for them. Also, I wonder if, if someone doesn't know how close Belmopan is to a large concentration of maya sites, the idea of a dig near a big city would be confusing? Also, would they be confused by you calling Belize City the "urban capitol" so soon after explaining that Belmopan is the capitol? All of that could be smoothed out a little bit more and given to the reader with some additional grounding.

    See more below!

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  9. 5) I'm a little worried about your motives for making the cute guy mention drugs twice to a stranger on the plane. I'm assuming you're setting him up to be untrustworthy so that when she is put in a position to have to go to him versus something else, she has some reason for reluctance. But I think that such a blatant reference to a stranger shows an enormous lack of judgment on his part, and he seems like a pretty smart guy. Make sure this is true within his character, and not authorial contrivance. Also, careful how you characterize him if he's anything but a transient means of conveying information to the reader. Is she likely to think of him as a "kid" in the same breath that she describes his cologne? Is he likely to really know about the 30 day thing if he's a resident?

    6) The money is a bit of an issue too. She would have had to take off her shoes to go through security, and $500 in twenties is a pretty thick stack. It's an interesting detail, but one that will make too many readers stop to think instead of reading forward.

    This seems like a lot, but honestly, these are tiny details. Your structure for this opening is confident and very engaging, and you move us into the story quickly. Smooth it out, get the maya references in there to add even more reasons for the reader to be intrigued, and you'll have readers all in!

    Can't wait to see the next round!

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