Amanda Boyce
YA Fantasy
Dragon Slayers
A forest was ablaze with dragon fire. People ran in every direction, trying to find cover from the dragon's destructive wrath as more people screamed in the unseen distance. Six Slayers shouted orders from below the trees, standing their ground as the red dragon came into view. Jayde was having one of those odd moments when she knew she was dreaming, and watched the scene play out beneath her as though she was flying above them. A pang of shock coursed through her when she recognized one of the Slayers, but her dream mind remained unfazed as the dream continued without interruption.
Each Slayer took aim with an arrow just as the dragon shot a torrential jet of flames in their direction, blocking all from Jayde's view. Screams of pain and horror resounded in her head as she woke with a start, lurching upright and gasping for breath. Her heart hammered painfully in her chest like she really had been in that forest, dragon flames blasting at her face. She shuddered.
Normally she relished her dreams of dragons, but this one, oh, Gods—it had to be a coincidence that had Micah appeared in the dream. He'd been on her mind almost daily after his letter, and she'd dreamed of him plenty of times before. She focused on slowing her heart, taking in the cool early morning air and digging her fingers into the damp earth.
Her eyes snapped open to find Gabriel and Matthias observing her curiously. They both stood frozen, tea mugs gripped in their hands, and Gabriel's brow furrowing with worry.
"Another nightmare?" he guessed as he knelt down beside her and gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. She nodded and explained about the red dragon and the Slayers. Matthias's eyebrows rose when she mentioned Micah. "Cathal's team."
"That fits if they were in a forest," Gabriel said. "It must be U'Aste."
Matthias and Gabriel exchanged a look that contained more worry than Jayde thought appropriate. It was, after all, only a dream. But then, Jayde didn't have normal dreams.
"You don't think it's real, do you?" she said. "I mean, a dragon attacking U'Aste; it's not possible, is it?" The idea of a dragon openly attacking and burning down a city anywhere in Celedonia seemed absurd. Such an event hadn't happened in a century. There were still occasional sightings, of course, but the last one had been over eleven years ago when it killed Jayde's father.
"What's going on?" Daemyn said groggily, sitting up next to her.
Gabriel explained her dream to Daemyn as they walked back to Gabriel’s house, Daemyn voicing questions the whole way.
It was a relief the previous year when Caius had explained her nightmares to Matthias, Gabriel, and Daemyn before she joined their hunting team. She would have been at a loss as to how to explain to three men she'd just met why she was yelling in her sleep.
"Even if it hasn't happened," Daemyn said, "it might still happen in the future, right?"
They reached Gabriel's front door and Jayde shrugged. "That was Caius's theory."
Gabriel's wife, Elisa, looked up from her work in the kitchen as they entered and asked quietly, "Eggs everyone?"
Jayde sat down at the table with the others, pulling out her notebook as she went, and put her latest dream to paper as Elisa served breakfast.
After he started training Jayde, Caius took some time before he voiced the suspicion that her dreams were prophetic. Over time they both realized that like Caius, Jayde had visions of the future. Though less intrusive than Caius's abrupt visions, Jayde's dreams were also less obvious and not as easy to remember, so Caius had instructed her to keep a record of her dreams. Each of her notebooks were a testament to the fact that most of her occasional prophetic dreams were personal in nature--how their cat died, Aiken getting caught for stealing at the market, Caius coming to visit when she and Aiken were eight. (At the time she thought he was there to begin training Aiken. No one was more surprised than she was to learn she was the first female dragon Slayer.) She was not accustomed to far-reaching dreams involving places in Celedonia she'd never seen and people she'd never met. She had to admit, however, that a prophetic dream of Micah was just as personal as one of her brother, and as she finished writing all she could remember her stomach twisted painfully at the thought that there was a possibility her dream might actually happen.
She hoped to the Gods it never would.
As was their custom when visiting Gabriel's family, the majority of Daemyn's and Jayde's morning was spent assisting Gabriel in the training of his son Darian. He wasn't yet eight years old, which was the customary age to begin training, but most Slayers were training their first born sons to wield a sword and shoot an arrow from the time they could walk. Today they were focusing on the bow and arrow and, like his father, this was where Darian excelled most. He was shooting at sixty yards hitting the bullseye with each arrow in a tight little grouping like they were magnetized to the spot, one arrow after another, thunk, thunk, thunk, until his quiver was empty.
Gabriel laughed out loud. "Come let's collect the arrows," he said to Darian, "and then we'll move the target out ten more yards."
Darian slung his bow over his shoulder and bounded ahead of his father in excitement. Gabriel winked at Jayde and followed after him. She stopped shooting as father and son crossed the grassy field to the targets, their blonde heads glistening in the sun. Darian was dressed so like Gabriel that with their matching blonde curls and bows slung over their shoulders, he looked like Gabriel's miniature.
Matthias suddenly appeared, a piece of folded parchment in his hand. Jayde saw the shama as it flew away, the messenger bird's wide silhouette shining in the morning sun, and then she focused on Matthias's face and her stomach turned over. He actually looked alarmed. He shook his head at Daemyn when he asked Matthias what was wrong, and they waited for Gabriel as he crossed the field. As though he could sense what was coming, Gabriel stopped halfway to them and bent low to say something to Darian who nodded and turned in the direction of the house.
"What? What is it?" Gabriel said once he'd reached them.
Matthias hesitated then looked stonily at Jayde before he said, "There was a dragon attack in U'Aste early this morning."
Jayde gaped at him, sure she'd heard him wrong.
"What?!" Daemyn said.
"Cathal, is he—?" Gabriel started to ask and Matthias handed him the parchment. "The note came from Cathal. A red dragon burnt down half of U'Aste and they're requesting assistance."
They all stared at Jayde in surprise but her eyes stayed glued to the parchment in Gabriel's hands, hardly able to focus with the buzzing in her ears. It had come true. Her dream was real.
"And the dragon?" Daemyn said hesitant. "Did they kill it?"
Matthias shook his head. "It got away."
"What about the rest of his team?" she asked, thinking only of Micah. Her heart began to race again.
"Oh, Jayde, I'm so sorry," Gabriel said his kind face stricken. "Only Cathal and Niall survived. The rest of his team—they’re gone."
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I always love a great sword and dragon tale. You’ve got a lot of positive elements here: dragons, psychic dreams, death, battles, threats for the future. I’d read more.
ReplyDeleteNow when you create a new universe, you’re playing god. You have to decide on every detail, and you have to clearly explain these details to your readers. It took me a bit to fall into the rhythm of your story. At first, I wasn’t sure if Jayde was a modern girl having fantastic dreams or someone in a fantasy world having regular dreams.
I think you need to work on your critical opening paragraph. It reads like stage directions. We don’t know what dragons look like, or what sort of weapons the Slayers are using. Are we picturing a society like ancient Rome or Arthurian England? I’d picture the latter, as you mention things like notebooks, letters, yardage, and tea mugs, things that are perhaps a bit too modern. Also, I wasn’t initially sure if we were supposed to be cheering for the dragons or the Slayers.
There were a LOT of characters introduced in these first pages: Jayde, Gabriel, Matthias, Daemyn, Darian, Caius, Elisa, Aiken, Cathal, Niall, etc. Readers, especially YA readers, might be confused by so many names, especially when we won’t know who is important and who is a minor character until later. They’re already beginning to run together. I’d start off with just Jayde and one or two others, then slowly introduce more. Also, I’d like more physical descriptions of Jayde and the others, especially their general ages.
In short, spend your first pages fleshing out Jayde and the society she lives in. The dream is great, though give us some vivid details so we can really get a sense of what’s happening. You only have one chance to hook your readers; do it with action and emotion.
Also, and this isn't critical right now, but you're going to need a more original title.
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ReplyDeleteHi Amanda! (And sorry about the deleted comment above - I just hit wrong key, made mistake)
ReplyDeleteI'm a big GOT fan, so I love YA fantasy with dragons and dragon slayers! There are lots of interesting things going on here, but it's a little overwhelming with the names. So many characters, as Brian pointed out above. That also really stood out to me. It makes it hard as a reader to focus on the MC and get a good feeling what Jayde is like, especially without a lot of physical descriptions.
I've heard so many times that agents don't like stories that start with a dream -- but for me, it works. Her prophetic dreams are obviously an important part of the story.
You have great imagery. I'm still trying to get a good sense of time and place. It's not quite as clear as other YA fantasy I've read where exacting details firmly ground the story. You describe a red dragon and that's great because the color pops in my mind, as does the description of fire. How about smells associated with burning? What kind of forest or trees are on fire?
I'm curious about the character of Micah. He's the love interest, right? I read through Brian's list, and Micah's not in that list (is he an etc :-)) but if he's the love interest, I'd like to hear more details early on. Our MC has been thinking about him after he wrote a letter, but it seems there could be more opportunity here to really show us how important he is to her, even more than you've already done. It might make it even more impactful when we learn he's possibly been killed.
Lots of great ideas here, and a solid beginning. Good luck!
Hi Amanda!
ReplyDeleteI do love a good fantasy with dragons and slayers! Yes, I've seen How to Train your Dragon way too many times. Unfortunately, this opening isn't pulling me into your story. Both Brian and Mari have great suggestions here, so I'll just add my thoughts and try not repeat theirs.
I felt overwhelmed with all the characters introduced here in the opening and underwhelmed by the dream. It feels like your story is starting in the wrong place. Could thoughts of this dream be mentioned later or spread out through the opening?
There's a lot of telling in this opening. I didn't get into the story until they start training Darian. I wanted to "see" more of that. Even when they start training him, it's a long paragraph of telling instead of showing us the scene. It would be great to have action, reaction, and then inner thoughts to bring the scene alive.
Be careful with things like "Matthias suddenly appeared." How did he appear? Is he a wizard and just poof into view? Wouldn't they hear the crunching of leaves under his feet as he approached or see him through the trees? Would birds suddenly take off from the trees at his approach? Add the senses to this piece would bring the setting alive for the reader. If this dream is important, maybe put Jayde more in the dream and give her thoughts and emotions to bring the dream alive. To have the reader feel like they're in the dream with Jayde. I think that's why it isn't grabbing my attention - we need more sensory details. emotion, and action and less telling.
I will say that you're a wonderful writer and fleshing out this scene with thoughts and emotion will liven it. In places where you tell us what's going on, show us and you'll hook the reader. Good luck revising!
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ReplyDeleteI love the opening with fire, dragons and prophetic dreams!
ReplyDeleteIt needs some clairty about the "Sleep Mind" though.
I've read all of Tracy Hickman and Margaret Weis's Dragonlance novels.
The setting is unclear to me, where and when are they? I was confused by her waking up outdoors, then going inside to eat breakfast. Why not sleep in the house or a barn if it's a farm?
I like the characters. Jayde feels real to me and I feel sympathetic to her plight. The other two, Matt and Gab, are a little fuzzier for me. What exactly are thier roles-- are they equals, is one her commander...
I would keep reading for sure. I like the crisis (fire and dragons) mixed with the everyday of training the next generation of fighters.
I like that Jayde "doesn't have normal dreams." The description of Darian's training was very interesting. The last sentence is memorable. I also liked examples of her dreams in the past. I appreciate that the dream came full circle all within five pages. I would continue to read. I am curious and I want to know more about how she became a dragon hunter. The cast of characters represents an intact group which I imagine will become more important within the MS. I am curious about the communication within this world. Is the parchment their version of a newspaper? If a dragon attacked I would expect a more personal and immediate way to warn others. I want to know the distance so then I understand the threat of a dragon. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteHi Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI think you've got a lot of great stuff going on here- lots of great description and imagery. I think it would be helpful to have a clearer picture of the setting and the fantasy world you're writing about- I was confused about that and taken out of the story a bit trying to figure it out. I also agree that there were a lot of names introduced and it would help focus the story if there were just a few of the most important ones, and an explanation of their importance. I loved the image of waking up in the morning and the characters holding tea mugs! Looking forward to reading the second round! Thanks!
Hello Amanda,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I'm so sorry I've taken so long to get to this. I've been in New York all week at a conference and thought I'd find time to get to it, but it's been one of those whirlwind weeks.
I love the fantastical concepts you're playing with. Dragons and Slayers are not concepts, but still often one that I think many people gravitate to. Your dream sequence is compelling and vivid.
Generally speaking, I think starting any book is a dream sequence is usually a no-no. That isn't to say that it can't be done, but if you're going to do it, it's got to be phenomenal and really launch your story from the get go. With what you've done here, I think you do a great job bringing in the visual aspects of her dream, but I wonder if it this is really the launching point of your story.
"The idea of a dragon openly attacking and burning down a city anywhere in Celedonia seemed absurd. Such an event hadn't happened in a century. There were still occasional sightings, of course, but the last one had been over eleven years ago when it killed Jayde's father." I wanted to address this paragraph. While I understand the need for Slayers...one attack in eleven years isn't all that bad. And yet it seems like everyone is being trained to deal with these dragons. I sort of wonder if it downplays the tension in your story. Now if these attacks were an ongoing thing, now you have real trouble...not just a "What if today is the day they decide to attack again."
That first line, that first paragraph, the inciting incident,...it all has to be so compelling to capture the readers' attention immediately. Opening up with an actual dragon scene might be the hook you need. Just a suggestion.
You have a few editing issues with "be verbs" and passive writing. Not many, but take another look at the passage again and see how many cuts you can make of the hads and was verbs.
I agree with the character comments as well. Too many in one scene makes it difficult to keep track of them as a reader. As a writer, it's very difficult to have that many in a scene because they all have to be unique in their mannerisms, voice, and preferences. If you have to wide of a cast, those things that make them unique get lost in the writing process.
Overall, a good start, a great idea, and I would encourage you to keep working on this. You have something special here and I can't wait to see how it turns out. Good luck!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHello Amanda,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I'm so sorry I've taken so long to get to this. I've been in New York all week at a conference and thought I'd find time to get to it, but it's been one of those whirlwind weeks.
I love the fantastical concepts you're playing with. Dragons and Slayers are not new concepts, but still often ones that I think many people gravitate to. Your dream sequence is compelling and vivid. Your characters are intriguing.
Generally speaking, I think starting any book is a dream sequence is usually a no-no. That isn't to say that it can't be done, but if you're going to do it, it's got to be phenomenal and really launch your story from the get go. With what you've done here, I think you do a great job bringing in the visual aspects of her dream, but I wonder if it this is really the launching point of your story.
"The idea of a dragon openly attacking and burning down a city anywhere in Celedonia seemed absurd. Such an event hadn't happened in a century. There were still occasional sightings, of course, but the last one had been over eleven years ago when it killed Jayde's father." I wanted to address this paragraph. While I understand the need for Slayers...one attack in eleven years isn't all that bad. And yet it seems like everyone is being trained to deal with these dragons. I sort of wonder if it downplays the tension in your story. If the attacks were an on going problem, then it would ratchet the need for these Slayers much more...not just a "What if today is the day they decide to attack again."
That first line, that first paragraph, the inciting incident,...it all has to be so compelling to capture the readers' attention immediately. Opening up with an actual dragon scene might be the hook you need. Just a suggestion.
You have a few editing issues with "be verbs" and passive writing. Not many, but take another look at the passage again and see how many cuts you can make of the hads and was verbs.
I agree with the character comments as well. Too many in one scene makes it difficult to keep track of them as a reader. As a writer, it's very difficult to have that many in a scene because they all have to be unique in their mannerisms, voice, and preferences. If you have to wide of a cast, those things that make them unique get lost in the writing process.
Overall, a good start, a great idea, and I would encourage you to keep working on this. You have something special here and I can't wait to see how it turns out. Good luck!