Name: Adana Washington
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
Title: ALL WILL SUFFER ME
She saw the twitch of his leg just before his body twisted, and in the darkness of a blink Dailia Lovo debated on letting his fist connect with her face. She felt everyone's eyes on her like a small wave of heat against her skin. The din of their shouts and jeers filled the air. The stomping spectators made the sand under her feet tremble. They all watched and waited for her to best the man, or get knocked down herself.
Her opponent shifted his weight and swung. She stopped herself from dodging and let his meaty fist pound into the side of her face. Pain exploded through her cheek as her head snapped to the side. Dailia stepped beyond the man's reach and flexed her jaw, wondering how many more blows would make getting paid worth the pain.
Tamsin's voice rose over the roar of the crowd. "Don't do this again!"
Dailia flicked a glance at her employer before she leapt away from her opponent's next attack. Tamsin's instructions echoed in her mind. Put this brute down quickly so we can get out of here. She didn't know how much gemstone her boss had riding on the fight. She learned a long time ago that it didn't matter. She was only to concern herself with winning whatever fight he chose for her.
Dailia shook her head and focused on the man circling across from her. He stood a full two heads taller than her. His arms were nearly as thick around as her waist, yet he moved deftly for someone so large. The odds were surely against her, and she huffed a chuckle at the amount of gemstone the crowd could have bet against her winning.
She dodged another punch aimed at her temple and watched her opponent stumble past her. He regained his footing and distributed his weight into the loose sand beneath him. He snarled at her, showing his crooked and stained teeth. "If you're just going to dance, I'd rather you be naked."
Dailia pulled a corner of her lips into a humorless smile. She thought of seven ways to take the man down as she stepped along the perimeter of the ring. Yet her smile faded as she thought of the consequences. Fighting in the ring wasn't the same as killing in the field. Dead men never cornered her in a dark alley, demanding a private rematch. She was free to collect her payment and find a place to rest.
Yet it never happened that way after she won Tamsin his money in front of the crowds. He would spend half his gemstone in the taverns, oblivious to all the unofficial challenges she faced in the streets. Every man who felt slighted by a stronger female would come at her. They all felt the need to best her, either in the streets, or on the cold ground. She couldn't count how many times she'd been forced to kill the men she’d already beaten in the ring.
She spotted Tamsin just outside the ring, his greedy fingers clawed around the rope. His gaze burned into her, demanding that she finish the fight. Chirin stood at his shoulder, his face shadowed by his hood. No one seemed to notice that he'd kept her jaw from shattering. She traced the staunch set of his broad shoulders and the sharp angle of his jacket. He inclined his head the slightest inch before she turned her attention back to the fight.
"Nothing to say, princess?"
"Don't call me that," she growled under her breath. She lifted to the balls of her feet.
Then Dailia saw a possible ending for the fight in her mind.
Running knee to the face.
She bounced on her toes as the man came at her for another swing. She dodged his fist and drove her own into his solar plexus. He grunted and bent at the waist. She took a step back.
I could hit him with an elbow to the top of the head.
Her opponent recovered. He threw out another punch and caught her in the chest. She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying out in pain. His reach was far longer than hers. She would have to keep her distance if she was going to stay on her feet.
Kick his legs from under him.
Dailia leaned back on her left heel. She threw out her right leg, her bent arms coming up for balance. He leapt back a second too soon and backpedaled across the ring. Dailia let her foot fall, bending her knees into a wide-legged stance.
Beat him until he bleeds. Or passes out. Whichever comes second.
She smirked at the very different fight happening in her mind. But then she saw herself in a dark alley, her opponent having recovered from his injury. She saw him coming at her again and again, with no crowd to cheer him on or call foul when he fought dirty. She saw herself pull the knife from her boot and drive it through the bottom of his chin into his skull. She saw his body lying on the ground, bleeding as payment for his pride and arrogance.
Dailia let the man charge at her.
His shoulder nailed into her stomach and knocked the air from her lungs. They both fell into the sand, Dailia taking the brunt of the fall along with the man's weight. Her spine collided with the hard ground beneath the loose sand, threatening to crack under the impact. Her opponent scrambled to sit across her waist. He let all of his weight do the work of holding her down, using his knees to pin her arms.
He bent at the waist and grabbed a fistful of her white hair. He brought his face within inches of hers. Dailia ignored the rank ale and fish on his breath. "So I was right. You do look better on your back."
A bell clang over the noise of the crowd. The fight was over.
"Get off of me," Dailia said through clenched teeth.
The man sneered at her and let his hand roam down her neck and chest. His hand went to grope her breast.
"Do it and lose your jewels." Dailia held the man's stare and let her intentions shine through her eyes.
The man scoffed and looked at her arms. "And how would that happen?"
Dailia twisted her hip against the inside of his thigh. The motion triggered the latch on the side of her belt. The sliding of metal sounded at her waist. Dailia watched the man looks towards the sound. She felt his legs tense around her. He saw the sharp tips of retractable silver spikes peeking from the open spaces in her belt.
His eyes slid back to Dailia’s face. She let her lips curl into a smile. She didn't catch what the man mumbled as he lumbered to his feet. He dragged his foot and landed a kick to her ribs before stepping over her. Dailia stayed still, not ready to deal with Tamsin. Yet dragging it out would only make him angrier, and she still needed to get paid. She took a deep breath and cleared her mind. Then she rolled up, her spine stretching and settling as she got to her feet.
First Five Pages Writing Workshop: Jump Start Your Novel and Career
Hi Adana! It's obvious you've worked hard on this revision.
ReplyDeleteYou've really got the physical fighting down. I followed each movement and reaction easily. They all seemed plausible and they flowed. :) For the most part, your word choices are good, too. I like how you shifted Dailia's inner conflict to the opening sentence. There's a much more cohesive feel to her purpose in this opening. That same feel flows down the paragraphs, especially once you get to "Dailia pulled a corner..." Here we understand so much about her. I like that you moved this, too. I understand her reasoning for throwing the fight. Nicely done.
One thing about the opening to keep in mind is that it must be as concise as possible. This hooks readers instantly, which I'm sure you know. I think you can still tighten it a bit by doing things like removing the word just and cleaning up the darkness and blink. Be direct and say what you mean. The sentence will be stronger for it and will leave your readers hungering for more. My other note for paragraph one is you use eyes, spectators, and watched in three separate sentences. These all mean or imply the same act. You could combine the three into two and eliminate at least one of those 'seeing' references. Scan the rest of the pages to see if you could do the same anywhere else.
A minor observation: Tamsin doesn't sound like a guy who would give her instructions, but more like commands.
Hope this helped. Looking forward to next week!
Hi Adana! Sorry I missed commenting on the first one, but I really like this revision. I think you did a really great job of communicating your character's immediate situation, her motivations for throwing the fight, and how the fight itself goes down. Good job!
ReplyDeleteMy main criticism is actually that I'm not sure of the setting. The only thing that tells me this is not current day, or historical, is the use of the term "gemstone" instead of money, and even then I had to double check your heading because I wasn't sure if this is fantasy or super gritty sci-fi.
I love, love, LOVE that you've avoided the dreaded info-and-Name-dump that a lot of fantasy writers seem to struggle with, but this is almost too sparse. It doesn't need much, but adding just a couple more details like "Tamsin would spend half his gemstone in the worst taverns in *insert name of city here*" for example would help.
You could do also something like "The din of their shouts and jeers filled the *wherever she is* Where is she? An illegal underground fighting ring? A public arena? The biggest ring in the city? A fancy colosseum-style theater? All those carry different connotations, and letting us know WHERE she is, even if it's just a few words, will do a lot to start bringing to life the world you've made.
I also wanted a little bit more on Chirin, and that could also be done in a very small way. Just give him a relationship or a status when you introduce him. Chirin-Tamsin's-pet-magician or Chirin-Dalia's-partner or Chirin-Prince-of-Wherever-We-Are. Tell us who he is to Dalia so we care that he's there at all, if that makes sense. It doesn't have to be a lot. It's just that if don't give your readers a sense of where you are going, they won't trust you to tell them the big stuff later, and they're more likely to get thrown out of the story.
A couple phrasing points:
I had to read the first sentence a couple times to make sure I understood what was happening, and after looking at it, I think it's because of the "she" and "him" bits in the first half. It doesn't give me anything to hold onto. "Dailia Lovo saw the twitch of the man's (or her opponent's) leg just before his body twisted,and in the darkness of a blink she debated on letting his fist connect with her face." is a bit easier for a first line, at least in my opinion.
Also, the way you phrase "meaty fist pound into the side of her face" it sounds like he struck her more than once? Again, it might just be me, but I tend to think of pound as a repetitive motion.
I'm excited to see what you do with the next revision! Good luck!
Just to clarify, I saw that you commented on last week's post that we find out more about where she is and who Chirin is after the fight. That's totally fine, we don't need a ton of info, but as a reader I would want a few hints sooner, so I have an idea of where I'm going. Even if you have more info later, adding a few small details now will help make your first five pages even more engaging and build trust with your readers.
DeleteHi Adana,
ReplyDeleteI loved what you did! The small changes that solved all the issues we discussed! Frankly I was frustrated when the 5 pages ended. I would love to read more and learn more about Dailia’s world
So Chirin protects her from getting hurt during the fight! I like this, and I love your solution to show it to us with only a simple sentence (“No one seemed to notice that he'd kept her jaw from shattering”), it’s short and elegant.
I think you’ve found a great shape for the beginning of your novel. So I’m just going to list a few phrases / sentences that made me pause during reading:
1. “She traced the staunch set of his broad shoulders and the sharp angle of his jacket”. – the angle of a jacket seemed a bit strange an image for me.
2. “I could hit him with an elbow to the top of the head’. – the rest of the “imaginary battle” thoughts are shorter and more direct, I suggest removing “I could hit him with”, and leave it just “An elbow to the top of the head”.
3. “let her intentions shine through her eyes” – I’m not even sure what’s wrong with that phrase, it just sounds a bit artificial to me. Maybe it’s just me, the others can share their opinion.
4. “He dragged his foot and landed a kick to her ribs before stepping over her. Dailia stayed still, not ready to deal with Tamsin.” – did Chirin protect her again? If not maybe a short sentence about how she feels after a kick to the ribs.
Thanks for letting me read your work!
Lily
Adana, I want to read your novel. I thought that the first time, and found myself sad when I reached the end of your passage again. You have a knack for using just the right amount of words for what you're trying to convey.
ReplyDeleteI like that you added in a sentence about Chirin's role. I'll admit that the first time I read this, I assumed Chirin was a pet of sorts, not as important as he apparently is. I agree that it might be nice to know a bit more of how he relates to Dailia than what you've given us here. Does she appreciate his help? Does she spite him because he keeps her fighting?
Miriam gave some great advice about dropping in hints about the setting. Giving us a city name would tell us right away whether we're in another world or a version of our own. You can elaborate with details and descriptions later, but a name drop wouldn't hurt here.
I look forward to reading where you take this opening passage!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Adana,
ReplyDeleteI love the action here, it feels like a book I’d be excited to finish all at once in one sitting if I could!
In last week’s version, I totally missed that she stopped herself from dodging in the second paragraph, but I definitely noticed it this time with the change of Tamsin’s words to “Don’t do this again!” So I liked that change a lot. However, I felt a little uncertain about how quickly she went from NOT dodging blows (trying to throw the fight) to suddenly trying to win (before the visions).
I almost wanted her to defy Tamsin a little longer, so that we get a better sense of the internal conflict here. Maybe she doesn’t listen to him, despite the fact that he’s her employer and whatever the terrible consequence is for her losing (awful thing Tamsin will do), etc. But then the opponent says that line "If you're just going to dance, I'd rather you be naked” and she’s so angry that she wants to win, worries less momentarily about the consequences. I’d rather she changes her mind and starts trying to win because her opponent is awful, than her employer tells her to.
Looking forward to reading more!
Melanie
Awesome scene! I felt every punch and kick. I agree with what others have said about adding a few key phrases to cue the reader about setting and character relationships, especially the Chirin and the fighting ring. Maybe a line or two about why she's working for Tamsin could be sprinkled in as well. Adding these details would slow down the pace a touch, as well, which would amp up the tension, since the reader's question about whether or not Dailia throws the fight takes longer to be answered. Miriam (hi, Miriam!) is absolutely right that you've done a GREAT job of avoiding the backstory/info-dump issue. But you want to strike the right balance of info and action to make sure you maintain tension and keep the reader engaged. You could lose the reader with too little information. Depending on what your initiating incident is, you could potentially drag out this fight scene to be the entire first chapter. You're introducing your character's normal world, after all. And the more vibrant you make the character's voice and world, the more likely you'll be to hook your reader. But again, it depends on your initiating incident. If your initiating incident doesn't have anything to do with Tamsin or her fighting, then you'll want to keep the fight scene short and sweet so you can use the rest of the chapter to lead up to the incident.
ReplyDeleteThat's all the advice I've really got. Your writing style is already very strong! Just a few additional details during the scene will anchor the reader in the world, increase the tension as the reader waits to find out what happens, provide readers the chance to hear the character's voice more as she picks and chooses what to think about and how she thinks about it (i.e., interiority), and tantalize the reader with more questions to keep them reading beyond the fight scene.
Hope that helps! Great job so far!
~ Mary Elizabeth
Hey Adana!
ReplyDeleteI think you did exactly what you set out to do on this revision. Dailia’s motivations and personal situation are much more clear. You have a great opening scene for a novel! Other than two remaining clarity questions, my thoughts on this are all on the “polishing” level rather than “you, Adana, really must do THIS.” Just consider and see what resonates with you.
*I’m a fan of your first sentence, but I wonder if you could vary the type of information given and the sentence structure in the rest of the paragraph. Is she indoors or outdoors? Is it sunny, or is the air smoky from torches? Smell and the quality of light could help set the stage even better (and could be added elsewhere!) And at the same time, could you do that with a varied sentence structure? Right now, you have four sentences in a row that mirror each other rhythmically: “Everyone’s eyes,” “Din of shouts,” “stomping spectators,” “They all watched.” Maybe a good place to break that up (and solve the other problem) would be the spectator sentence? Would a less generic word for the people watching (and an indication of how well Dailia can see them) give us a better taste of the environment surrounding the protagonist?
*Here’s one clarity question: Tamsin says, “Don’t do this again,” indicating that he knows she’s lost on purpose before. If so, why does he employee her, bet on her, or risk money that she will follow his instructions in the ring? What kind of hold does he have on her that he has reason to think she’ll obey him and win the fight when she hasn't before? (He has some kind of hold, because she’s in the ring when she doesn’t want to be.) Which also plays into that same question, what is Dailia risking by disobeying Tamsin and losing the fight? Is it just that she won’t get paid if she loses? In which case, why get in the ring, or is it a case of starving? I don’t think we have to know all the details about this in the first five pages, but a hint of the “why,” just a teeny one, to clarify the thought process, would help the reader not be pulled out of the story by a nagging question. Careful though, I’m also not suggesting that you slow down the narrative with detail and backstory. (Such a paradox, I know!) Make sure you keep your pace, which is good.
*And the other clarity question, concerning Chirin: “No one seemed to notice that he’d kept her jaw from shattering.” Okay, cool! Love this additional piece of info, cause…cool! However, how would anyone “notice” that? Is this sort of magic common? If so, you need to clue the reader into that, because wouldn’t someone be looking out for such shenanigans in a situation where there’s fighting and betting? Or is it an unusual, secret magic that Chirin uses to protect her? In which case, reword to a more natural thought from Dailia? What do you think?
*”Then Dailia saw a possible ending for the fight in her mind.” The addition of “then” makes me think this is when Dailia is making a decision, and it sounds like a decision to win, but then it isn’t. Maybe lose the word? (Such a picky comment, ignore at will!)
*And for my last picky comment, stained teeth and bad breath. There is not one thing wrong with this. The guy probably would have bad breath and stink. He doesn’t seem the sort for dental hygiene. But it is a super common way to indicate “here be a bad man.” Is there maybe another way to indicate the guy is repulsive?
Seriously, ignore me as needed, Adana. Can’t wait to read your next revision!
Hi Adan,
ReplyDeleteWow I love your revisions. I think you addressed the previous comments without loosing the tension and flow. I like the one sentence about Chirin, it gave more more context. But now I know there is magic but I'm not sure how this magic fits in. Is this an unusual skill (no one noticed makes me think it is common but then does that mean the opponent has magic too? Are they cheating?) I feel like one brief mention to contextualize that a bit for me.
Now I'm going to back track on my last comments about liking the sparse details on the scene. I think a little more, teasers like other people mentioned, could be good. Not a ton, the spare description somehow jives in my mind with Daillia.
I'm still wondering about throwing a fight and the ramifications. If Tamsin knows she does this why is he still betting on her and if he knows this is the case, how is it Tamsin doesn't know about the alley fights as well? Surely she would have had to explain this before.
I know you now indicate that magic saved Dallia's jaw but even before you say that, I think the way the text flows it is less concerning about her jaw not breaking. Perhaps it is separation of the guys size from the hit?
I felt like the flow of the fight was great up until the end with the guy sitting on Dallia. Now I am wondering the way someone is usually "sat" on, their but is on your hips (roughly) and your knees go along sode the torso (I gues if you want to use your knees to hold the arms down anyway). SO why doesn't the knife cut Dallia's opponent when it is unsheathed?
Overall I really like this and can't wait for the next round.
jessica
Hi Adan,
ReplyDeleteWow I love your revisions. I think you addressed the previous comments without loosing the tension and flow. I like the one sentence about Chirin, it gave more more context. But now I know there is magic but I'm not sure how this magic fits in. Is this an unusual skill (no one noticed makes me think it is common but then does that mean the opponent has magic too? Are they cheating?) I feel like one brief mention to contextualize that a bit for me.
Now I'm going to back track on my last comments about liking the sparse details on the scene. I think a little more, teasers like other people mentioned, could be good. Not a ton, the spare description somehow jives in my mind with Daillia.
I'm still wondering about throwing a fight and the ramifications. If Tamsin knows she does this why is he still betting on her and if he knows this is the case, how is it Tamsin doesn't know about the alley fights as well? Surely she would have had to explain this before.
I know you now indicate that magic saved Dallia's jaw but even before you say that, I think the way the text flows it is less concerning about her jaw not breaking. Perhaps it is separation of the guys size from the hit?
I felt like the flow of the fight was great up until the end with the guy sitting on Dallia. Now I am wondering the way someone is usually "sat" on, their but is on your hips (roughly) and your knees go along sode the torso (I gues if you want to use your knees to hold the arms down anyway). SO why doesn't the knife cut Dallia's opponent when it is unsheathed?
Overall I really like this and can't wait for the next round.
jessica
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ReplyDelete