Sunday, November 8, 2015

1st 5 Pages November Workshop - Roberts Rev 1

Name: Jessica Roberts
Genre: New Adult Romance
Title: SMARTS

In most of my classes at Princeton I make it a point to never sit next to the same person more than twice. But in Smarts 101 class, the guy I sit next to—whom I’ve so originally nicknamed Beach Bum—likes to copy my notes, and I like that he’s not very social. So the arrangement works.
 
“Let’s have a bit of fun before class ends,” Professor Bell says excitedly from the front of the stadium-styled classroom. He rubs a chubby hand on his bald head and then drops it to his slightly graying, light brown beard, smiling in that eye-twinkling way he always does at some point during the hour. I want to smile with him. Obviously, teaching Smarts 101 is the highlight of his life.
 
“We have fifteen minutes,” he continues. “Perfect!” He shuffles through his notes until he finds what he’s looking for.
 
Fifteen minutes… I look down at my desk and let my bangs fall over my face, using my dyed black hair as it was intended, to mask myself…for another fifteen minutes. It’s not the first or twenty-first time I’ve wished I wasn’t in this class of a hundred students. But for the past six years, since scientists found the chromosome that identifies a Smart, or people with abnormally high intelligence levels, Smarts 101 has been a required course for all freshmen. Well, all freshmen who are non-Smarts, which is most of the world. So I had no choice in the matter. Spring semester ends in a couple weeks, I remind myself. And even if everyone knows who my parents are, I can remain mostly invisible in this class for two more weeks.
 
“Okay,” Professor Bell says with a grin. “You all know how I love brain teasers. I have two quick ones for you. Teaser number one: How many students do we have in this class? Don’t answer out loud, just glance around the room quickly and make an educated guess.”

Professor Bell paces impatiently as students survey the room. A few lift off their seats to get a better view. Not me. I stay sitting, quiet and unnoticed in the corner on the last row, doing what I can to not draw attention to myself, which usually means doing nothing.
 
“Okay, teaser number two,” Professor Bell continues. “Which of these two sentences is most correct: Seven and five isthirteen or seven and five are thirteen? Now write down an answer to only one of the two brainteasers given.”
 
If only I could put my hair behind my ears; smile, laugh, and answer questions every time I wanted in class. But as the loner daughter of two of the most prestigious Smarts in the world, I can’t. 
 
“Yo, Jennifer,” Beach Bum says from my left. I turn toward him with a pen outstretched. “Ha, thanks.” He takes the pen from me.
 
For a moment I am calmed by the quiet commotion of rustling papers and scribbling pens. But the reprieve doesn’t last and the noise quickly dies. Taking a deep breath, I silently reach in my backpack and tear off a corner of loose paper to write down my answer.
 
“Okay,” Professor Bell says. “Raise your hand if you wrote the word ‘neither’ or something to that effect.”
 
It looks as if every student in the class raises their hand.
 
“Yes.” Professor Bell chuckles in satisfaction. “As suspected. And your answer is obviously correct. The sum of seven and five is twelve, not thirteen, so the question as it refers to grammar is irrelevant.
 
“Now, if you had a brain like theirs, you would have written something very different. Anyone have a guess as to what theywould have written?” The class quiets as Bell hastily looks around to see if he has any takers. “They, class, would have written the number ninety-five. Anyone want to take a stab at why?”
 
A girl seven rows down from me raises her hand. Her name is Ashley Watkins. I don’t know her, but I’ve noticed she’s always happy. I like that about her. Under different circumstances—as in, if I had different parents—we might have been good friends. But there’s no sense wishing for things I’ll never have, as much as I waste time doing so.
 
“Yes, Miss Watkins?” Bell acknowledges.
 
“Ninety-five is the number of students in this class. They would have written down the answer to your first question about how many students are in this class.”
 
“Yes,” Bell eagerly responds. “When it was time to write down an answer, the majority of you, if not all of you, chose to answer the second question; the one you knew the answer to. By raise of hands, did any of you choose to answer the first one instead, the one on the number of students in this class?”
 
No hands rise and Bell chuckles again. “Now, as some of you may vaguely remember, the first day of class I mentioned that we had ninety-five students in this class. It would have taken seconds for them to call up that information from that first day, milliseconds, in fact. Essentially, to them both questions would have been easy. Where all of you wrote off the more difficult brainteaser, because of their nearly perfect memories, Smarts would have had no reason to.
 
“However, it actually boils down to something much more basic. Simply put, first questions are the logical ones to answer first. And Smarts are logical to the core.”
 
“Now, let’s review a few last details about them to prepare you for your spring term exam.” Bell continues pacing the room as he begins counting off a list on his fingers. “One, all Smarts have the abnormality on chromosome six in their DNA, which is how we now know that Einstein, Hitler, and Mozart were Smarts.”
 
“So basically, what we need to remember is that all of them are products of a genetic defect?” Mara Jones pipes in, as she so often does, with one of her off-color comments.
 
A few students laugh, the same few who laugh every time a bit of bashing goes on in class. It can’t be helped, I remind myself as I hamper the idea of yelling out, “Don’t talk about my parents like that!” After all, I understand that people can be uncomfortable with differences.
 
“Yes,” Bell responds. “That’s correct. An abnormal chromosome ultimately differentiates them.”
 
I’m surprised this is all he says. He can get slightly defensive sometimes. No, defensive isn’t the right word. Passionate. Admiring. Obsessive. Yeah, that sounds more accurate. It’s also why I’ve grown to like him so much. He’s endearingly fanatic.
 
“But it’s a genetic defect I wouldn’t mind having,” he cuts off my thoughts with a snort.
 
Instead of laughing like I want to, I type away on my laptop like everyone else. Hiding my emotions shouldn’t bother me after doing it for so long, but I’m pretty sure one of my “genetic defects” is not being able to hide my emotions without it bothering me every. single. time.
 
I shift in my seat, looking at the clock. Five more minutes.
 
“So, our teacher wants to be part of a group who favors world domination?” Mara Jones whispers loudly to a neighbor and then chuckles once.
 
Bell walks toward the middle of the room and stops front and center by the microphone podium. He lifts his hands and clasps them together, resting his elbows on the stand. “Valid question, Mara. Since this class is all about Smarts, I suppose it would be appropriate to address the current rumors about them that are circulating around campus here at Princeton.” Since he rarely uses the microphone, his magnified voice seems to carry more weight as it booms through the air and echoes off the walls. “I am here to assure you that although the possibilities are indeed threatening and could pose a very real danger to everyone, Smarts are not out to get us. They aren’t secluding themselves in secret hillsides and valleys and forming little hidden societies as the recent rumors go. They are normal people, like you and I, only with the gift of extreme intelligence. We can and will live in peace with them as we always have.” 

8 comments:

  1. Hi Everyone!

    Thank you so much for all of the invaluable comments! I have a few follow-up questions for this revision:

    1. In the opening paragraph I took out the guys name and replaced it with a nickname because he's not an important character. Does "Beach Bum" work? And does the sarcasm come through in the line "...the guy I sit next to—whom I’ve so originally nicknamed Beach Bum". I know the opening few lines are important and I can't decide if it works.

    2. Many of you said there were too many unanswered questions in these first few pages. Does this version make a few things clearer yet leave enough mystery to keep you wanting to read? Or do you still need more questions answered?

    Thanks again, guys! I'm really loving this!

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  2. Hi Jessica,

    Nice revision. I think you can have a stronger opening, though. Even though you have a nickname for the guy, I don't really get the sarcasm angle you're going for, or even why that would be important. Is it to give us a little bit of your MC's personality?

    If you took out that opening, you'd have to go right into Prof Bell's quiz. But that doesn't seem like an engaging opening either. Perhaps you can open with Jennifer walking into the classroom and slumping into her seat, tossing her bag on the floor...something active. Maybe there is a crush of students trying to get the best seat. Maybe it's the smell of a dusty old auditorium. Do you know what I mean? Perhaps a sensory detail will give us a sense of place right away.

    I think that when you describe Prof Bell for the first time there is too much description:

    He rubs a chubby hand on his bald head and then drops it to his slightly graying, light brown beard, smiling in that eye-twinkling way he always does at some point during the hour.

    That's "hand, bald head, beard and eyes." That might be a little too much. Just give a tease, perhaps. Let the reader fill in the rest.

    I like the flow of the prose from there on out. It has a nice rhythm to it, which is very important. I feel that you have set up this world of Smarts very nicely, and I wonder how it will all come together. I don't need more questions answered right away. That's what will keep me reading!

    So good job overall!

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  3. Jessica,

    FANTASTIC job breaking up the exposition in these pages. The way the information comes out is really dynamic and tension-building now. You get the sense that hostilities are really simmering under the surface of this class/world - to such a degree that a Princeton professor can be derided as a sympathizer.

    Great job also laying out exactly why Jennifer is flying under the radar. I think you can dial it back now, though. Even just that first mention is enough explanation. I'd take out every other mention of her parents, so you're not driving the point home too much.

    I agree with Ronald - I wonder if you can find a more dynamic opening paragraph. My favorite openings are grounded in the middle of an active scene, but also manage to speak to the story as a whole. (I do realize how hard that is to pull off!) I wonder if it could be something like Jennifer methodically choosing a seat for class - something that tells the reader right away that something is off here.

    My exposition alarm DID still go off with Professor Bell's last speech. Are there really rumors that the Smarts are building bunkers and isolating themselves? Or is he making a joke? Could he get the same information across in a way that's not so on the nose? Also - he seems to be really contradicting himself about how much danger the Smarts pose, which makes me wonder if he's deliberately manipulating the students in this class. If that's what you're going for, then it's worked. If not, maybe make his message a little clearer: Smarts are no danger. Nothing to see here. Etc.

    Nice work this week! Can't wait to read the next draft.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Jessica,

    FANTASTIC job breaking up the exposition in these pages. The way the information comes out is really dynamic and tension-building now. You get the sense that hostilities are really simmering under the surface of this class/world - to such a degree that a Princeton professor can be derided as a sympathizer.

    Great job also laying out exactly why Jennifer is flying under the radar. I think you can dial it back now, though. Even just that first mention is enough explanation. I'd take out every other mention of her parents, so you're not driving the point home too much.

    I agree with Ronald - I wonder if you can find a more dynamic opening paragraph. My favorite openings are grounded in the middle of an active scene, but also manage to speak to the story as a whole. (I do realize how hard that is to pull off!) I wonder if it could be something like Jennifer methodically choosing a seat for class - something that tells the reader right away that something is off here.

    My exposition alarm DID still go off with Professor Bell's last speech. Are there really rumors that the Smarts are building bunkers and isolating themselves? Or is he making a joke? Could he get the same information across in a way that's not so on the nose? Also - he seems to be really contradicting himself about how much danger the Smarts pose, which makes me wonder if he's deliberately manipulating the students in this class. If that's what you're going for, then it's worked. If not, maybe make his message a little clearer: Smarts are no danger. Nothing to see here. Etc.

    Nice work this week! Can't wait to read the next draft.

    ReplyDelete
  5. First things first--are you on Twitter? Hazel, Christy, Devyn and I have connected with one another and we want you in there, too!! If you are on twitter, I'm at: kdpwrites Come follow and I'll make sure everyone connects with you, too!!

    I feel bad because I don't have much feedback. Ronald and Jenn had some great notes this time around.

    Beach Bum: I think that works!

    Unanswered questions: For me, the biggest question I had from last round was "who or what is a SMART?" and you answered that for me, which made me perk up a bit. I LOVE the hook of her parents without telling us WHO or WHAT your parents are.

    Overall, though, I'm still hooked on this concept! You've done a nice job of tossing out some bread crumbs for the reader to react and turn the page to find out more!

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  6. Hi Jessica!

    To answer your question, yes I think the name Beach Bum does work! Definitely brings a very specific image to mind! I think you did a great job with this revision. It makes so much more sense now that I know from the very beginning what a Smart is! I’m still curious, about the purpose of Smarts 101. Why has it become a required course for all freshman? I want to read more so I can find out!!!

    This particular line seemed a little sudden to me: “But as the loner daughter of two of the most prestigious Smarts in the world, I can’t”. I wonder if you need this sentence at all since you mention soon after: “Don’t talk about my parents like that…I understand that people can be uncomfortable with differences.” and then mention her “genetic defects” a couple paragraphs later. Both these would suggest to me that her parents are Smarts!

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  7. Hi Jessica!

    Wow so much goodness in your new revise!! I had so many AH-Ha moments… you really did a great job of clarifying and showing us what Jennifer’s situation and what the class is about.

    And LOL! Okay chubby and bald Professor Bell is not her love interest HA! Nice job... I really liked how you added a level of connection in respect and alignment of agreement between Jennifer and Prof. Bell in aspects of Smarts which is respect…at least that is what I felt this time around.

    **nit-picky ALERT** just a small thought… what do you think of changing… “He makes me want to smile with him” verses “I want to smile with him.” I think the ‘makes me’ verses ‘want to’ gives more sense of the absorption of Prof. Bell’s enthusiasm rather than she has a desire to smile for him… just a thought.

    Oooooh nice nugget of intrigue—regarding Jennifer’s parents—this was one of my many AH HA moments…makes so much sense! This also helps with why she connects and seeks out the undertone of Prof. Bells sympathetic lean to SMARTS… I so want to read why her parents are so famous for being a SMART … nice!

    So because your revise was so AWESOME it made my little brain ask so many more questions…of course not all these are something you have to answer or add into these five pages but I thought you may like to know to see know what you are sparking in the brain as a reader. So you can see, maybe this is what you are intending or maybe it is not…

    -How are the SMARTS really threatening the community?
    -Do Commoners and SMARTS live side by side? Are they separated? Are SMARTS tagged and made to wear a scarlet letter like emblem on them?
    -Does Jennifer allowed to know her parents? Are her parents sent to away to jail or leaders of a SMART rebellion? Does she see them? Love with them?
    -If Princeton, a school, forces students to take a SMARTS 101 for their own protection is the GOVERNMENT involved too? Are they watching Jennifer?
    -Are humans all tested one time at birth to make sure they are not SMARTS? Does the test hurt? Can this evolve? And if they are SMARTS what happens to them?
    -Love to know more of the more physical layout of where Jennifer lives.

    1. BEACH BUM: I really liked the way you revised this part but the nickname beach bum didn’t seem to ring true to me (of course this is completely objective) but when I read it right after the my mind went to a place like Princeton..it kind of came out like a sore thumb for me… anything beachy with long casual anything didn’t seem to fit for me… maybe just a BUM or Personal Squatter? Not sure but the rest I really liked… hope this helps.
    2. SOOOOOO MUCH INTRIGUE!!! I think your revise was great! You are a great writer! You made me think so much more in so many interesting ways regarding your story it definitely left me wanting to read more. (can’t you TELL by all the cool questions you sprouted in my head) MOST DEF! Good job!

    The thing I think I would like to see is more the physical layout of how Jennifer lives…does she live on campus? When school is out where is home? What comforts her? Is she lonely? Maybe just small touches of details of her personal life situation.

    Can’t wait to read more!!! And so happy to connect with you one twitter!!! Yeah!! Have a great week.

    Devyn

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  8. Jessica~

    Excited to be working with you again this week! You’ve done a great job on your edits. Here’s what I thought as I read through:

    - The sarcasm in the first paragraph does come through (which I like since I’m all for sassy characters!!) but I think beach bum doesn’t read so well. As much as I adore the quirky first line, I think I may have to agree with Ronal and Jenn that you could start at some other point.

    - So I think Professor Bell is far off from how we all imagined him during your first pass. I’m really glad for the physical description, but I think less is more. Try a simpler way to describe him maybe?

    - Instead of starting the fourth paragraph with ‘Fifteen minutes’ maybe you could just go ahead with Jennifer looking down since you say ‘fifteen minutes’ at the end of the sentence anyway.

    - Love the new info about Smarts earlier on! Not info-dumpy at all and just gives us enough of a hint about the setting and about Jennifer’s parents to grow more curious.

    - Really like this particular thought of Jennifer’s: “I understand that people can be uncomfortable with differences” I think it says a lot about her. I’m getting a much better sense of her character in this revision.

    Basically, I think the story flowed nicely and things became much clearer! I’m sure you’ll do even better for next week’s revision. :)

    ReplyDelete