Genre: YA - Sci Fi/Horror
Title: WYRD
The old Boeing from McCarran International finally touched down in Burlington Vermont after several pre-flight hiccups, in-flight hiccups, post-flight hiccups; some things just never changed. Science fiction had always envisioned the future as either technologically advanced or burned out and dystopian.
Science fiction was cute that way.
Evangeline Aster relaxed immediately after the plane took off. Something about leaving the Earth felt comforting to her. She zoned out during the bumpy flight; even through a rather nasty patch of turbulence outside of Chicago, only to feel the heat of Morgen’s unblinking face an inch from her own.
“Quit it,” she mumbled.
Morgen’s pupils constricted back into place.
“Just checking to see if you’re still breathing.” She sounded disappointed. Her face lingered as she studied Evan’s mouth. “Nice snore by the way.”
“I wasn’t sleeping.”
Evan shoved the airline pillow between them, and pushed her off. Of all the things Morgen did to bother her, this creeped her out the most.
“If cats can steal a baby’s breath, imagine what I could do,” Morgen had once said.
She was six.
Evan often wondered if her twin was trying to reabsorb her, ex utero.
“Grab your sad little backpack,” her sister drawled, “we’re here.”
Evan didn’t budge. She glanced at the happy faces flurrying about the cabin. They all had something to look forward to; better yet, someone. She sighed and pushed up the window cover, but the layers of filth blotted out the view.
Ugh.
She cringed at the iconic cult nightmare waiting for her; boarding school...in the middle of the woods...with Morgen.
Double Ugh.
It was the stuff that crappy movies were made of. An exhumed story from cinema’s graveyard came knocking on the Aster’s door late last week, stealing away their father and sealing her fate. The tired cliché of orphaned-teenage-girl-attends-
She released herself from the faded blue seat. The stiff belt buckles clanked to either side, but Evan couldn’t move.
“Who’s picking us up?” she stalled, already knowing the answer.
“I told you,” Morgen snapped, annoyed.
Her sister reveled in being a know-it-all, and Evan lived to provoke her.
“Aunt Daphne will be waiting for us at the gate. We have the prerequisite family dinner before-”
“Wait. Who’s Aunt Daphne again?”
“Dad’s sister,” Morgen seethed. “We’re staying with her tonight. Then we go to Aldebaran.”
Aldebaran. Aldebaran Academy. Their new home sounded more like a mid-century insane asylum than a progressive institute for academia. The online site for Aunt Daphne’s alma mater reeked of nouveau riche preppies from all corners of New England. Blond kids in cardigans were not what Evan had in mind for her thirteenth year of high school. Most kids their age got to choose what to study during their transitional year. Engineering, politics, agriculture; whatever they could contribute to society, that’s what they would do. It was all determined by their strengths. Since neither twin had any, it had been chosen for them.
Morgen took the news surprisingly well. Expectant, even.
Evan had never heard of Aldebaran Academy. Or her Aunt Daphne, for that matter.
Three months. Three more months until I’m nineteen, and then I can legally do whatever the hell I want.
“Let’s go!” Her twin snatched up the backpack, and plowed her way through the laggers, still struggling with the overhead.
“Dammit, Morgen.” Evan hopped up quickly to chase after her. “Sorry,” she mouthed, as she passed the indignant faces her sister had just mowed down.
Morgen stood at the end of the boarding bridge, twirling Evan’s bag by a loop at the top. She grinned and twisted the zipper, taunting her; threatening to reveal its secrets.
My journal.
“Give it back.” She held out her hand.
Morgen barely shook her head. Her eyes narrowed, and her mouth twitched up at the corners.
Evan’s hand began to shake.
Oh God, not here, not in the middle of a crowded airport.
Morgen tilted her head, enjoying the show. “Careful sweetie. You don’t want to give yourself a nosebleed, do you?” She stepped forward and dangled the bag on one finger.
People claim to see a metaphorical red when they’re angry. Evan saw blue; actual blue.
The blue flash zigzagged across her line of sight. She squeezed her eyes shut, trapping it inside.
Don’t get mad, don’t get mad--
“What’s wrong sis? Should I get your inhaler?” Morgen tugged the zipper down an inch.
Evan shook her head. “N-n-n--”
“No? Hm,” she teased. “Still...I wonder what Leeny’s hiding. Let’s have a look, shall we?”
“Sttt-stop it, Morgen,” Evan stuttered as she fought against the rush of adrenaline. It wouldn’t be long now. They both knew what was coming next.
“Sttt--sttt-,” Morgen pushed. “Pa-pa-pa-thetic.”
Evan tightened her body, bracing for the inevitable.
Maybe no one will notice.
“Loony Leeny, she can’t cry. Loony Leeny don’t know why. Loony Leeny go bye-bye,” Morgen sang loudly in her face.
Evan clenched her fists. Bright halos of light burst into her peripheral vision. They swallowed her sight, replacing her eyes with two headlights. It spread to her skin, sharpening her delicate features. Bathed in eerie blue light, her tiny frame creaked in objection.
Distract yourself.
Her eyes flew open and fled Morgen, searching for something that might take her mind from her wicked sister. Anything to calm her down. They settled on a young man kissing his lover near the magazine snack/rack. His lips began to smolder and glow blue.
Oh crap, please don’t leave a mark.
They quickly darted away, to a woman peddling roses from a beat-up satchel. The roses turned blue, and started to wilt.
Crap, crap, crap...
All the while, Morgen chanted, “Loony Leeny, Loony Leeny.”
She frantically scrambled her attention towards something she couldn’t hurt. Out of the giant window and onto the tarmac, the runway, the airplanes, all began to shimmer in a hot blue haze.
“No,” she gasped.
The mountains.
Her gaze lifted to the shadowy outline of the distant Green Mountain Range.
Focusing on the furthest peak, she slowly released the tension in her body.
Easy...easy.
Too fast, and she might detonate.
It burned as it passed through her. Evan winced at the sensation, at the hot chemical pain that seared another hole into her shirt. It didn’t matter. Things like fashion lost their meaning a long time ago.
She sighed her relief when the blue cloud mushroomed off the distant peak and smothered the sun.
“That’s good, Leeny,” Morgen muttered over her shoulder. “Except for all the hikers you just barbecued. Nice work.” She snickered into her sister’s ear. “You really should control that temper of yours.”
Hi Marie,
ReplyDeleteIt sounds as though Evan has a very intriguing power there! I’m sure her story will be a very exciting one.
My main note on this draft is that you need to stay consistent in your point of view. You’ve got some interior monologue that’s first person central, “Three months. Three more months until I’m nineteen, and then I can legally do whatever the hell I want.” But the bulk of this section is in third person—you have to choose one or the other. If your story is told from Evan’s angle of vision, you might consider using first person throughout. Evan seems to have a lot of internal struggle ahead of her, so you may end up wanting to share a lot of her first-person thoughts.
My confusion about where the twins were going distracted me on this read. A plane took off from an airport, and Evan says they left the Earth, and mentions science fiction, but then the school they’re heading to is “in the woods” and brings in kids from all over New England.
So far Evan has a fairly strong voice. But I’d say be sure that her sarcasm doesn’t get in the way of clarity. You’ve got a lot of world-building to do here at the start, and it’s really important that your reader doesn’t get confused. For example, “She cringed at the iconic cult nightmare waiting for her; boarding school...in the middle of the woods...with Morgen”—I like the “cult nightmare” phrase—but since I’m not totally clear where they’re heading perhaps state that part first and then add Evan’s editorial comments. Also, be on the lookout for overusing the word “it”—a great catch-all word, but often a signal that you can be clearer by using a more precise word.
I’m a little concerned that Morgen is so completely awful right out of the gate. You might want to leave a little ambiguity there at least at the start. An anti-hero is often more engaging that a one-dimensional bad guy (or girl!)
I like the story idea here and would want to read more. The one thing that would hold me back is that I felt tossed around in the opening. In the first paragraph, you talk about the flight from beginning to end with hiccups along each part. That's fine, but I have no sense of any MC in there. But then you talk about the MC just taking off. You already told us about the flight ending so I was confused. Is this a new flight or going back to give every detail of all the hiccups?
ReplyDeleteThe other place I got tossed around was in the dialogue. I got lost as to who was speaking.
there was one place where Morgen has his/her face in the MC's and it sounds like a person the same age, but then when you say about the cat stealing breath (myth) you say Mogen is six. Do you mean six when he/she said that or six now?
I can work through all those issues as I read along, but many agents and even readers won't keep going to find out so check for times when you skip around in time or place and make sure it is clear that it is the past or present.
Hi Marie,
ReplyDeleteThank you for letting me read your work! As I read, my sense of hearing was touched first. I heard voice. There's a slight snarky tone, but also one that feels informed, almost witty in a joking way. That's good. But I don't really get a feel of who this MC is. I'd like to see what she sees, smell what she smells, feel the crack in the leather armrest rub against her arm, and so on.
Once you name Evangeline, I wasn't sure if she was on the same plane that had just landed or if she'd just gotten on a plane. I was also a little confused at times on whether we were in the present or past thoughts. There are a few places that almost seem out of place/order such as "Evan shoved the airline pillow between them, and pushed her off." I read what you wrote but my brain said "Evan pushed Morgan off the armrest and shoved the pillow between them." I could be wrong, but if you meant what you wrote than I'm confused. I think if you read this out loud you'll be able to hear where those areas are. One other thing I noticed is there are extra words within some sentences that don't need to be used. If they are excluded the sentence means the same and has the same impact. If you're going to use extra words make sure they have a purpose.
I really like the whole boarding school (potential horror) idea. I'd love to see that incorporated into the opening paragraph. That would totally draw me in. And you've done a nice job giving us a glimpse into that world setting. I also think the twin element will go a long way as you develop this world. So much to play with. And all that blue light... Hmm... I wonder what that's about. I almost wonder if you shouldn't start with that. It was intriguing.
Hope this helped. Looking forward to reading your revision.
Hi Marie,
ReplyDeleteIntriguing premise! I’m interested to see what Evan’s story is, how her power developed and where she’s headed both physically and emotionally.
The biggest issues I had involved the opening paragraph and character inconsistencies.
I like that the story starts on a plane; it brings the reader’s attention in quickly, but I had an issue with the mention of the plane’s full journey (take-off to landing) and then the next paragraph starting with Evan relaxing after the plane took off. Perhaps start your story with the plane taking off and moving into your characters sooner.
As for the inconsistencies, I had a hard time understanding Morgen and Evan as real people. One moment it’s mentioned that Morgen is six, then it says that Morgen and Evan are twins, then it says that Evan is in her thirteenth year of high school (I’m assuming you just meant thirteenth year of school?), then she mentions that she’s almost nineteen and can legally do whatever she wants (even though eighteen is the legal age).
Once the inconsistencies are smoothed out, the plot should really shine through. You do a nice job of setting up an intriguing plot line, and I look forward to reading your revisions.
Hi Marie,
ReplyDeleteIntriguing premise! I’m interested to see what Evan’s story is, how her power developed and where she’s headed both physically and emotionally.
The biggest issues I had involved the opening paragraph and character inconsistencies.
I like that the story starts on a plane; it brings the reader’s attention in quickly, but I had an issue with the mention of the plane’s full journey (take-off to landing) and then the next paragraph starting with Evan relaxing after the plane took off. Perhaps start your story with the plane taking off and moving into your characters sooner.
As for the inconsistencies, I had a hard time understanding Morgen and Evan as real people. One moment it’s mentioned that Morgen is six, then it says that Morgen and Evan are twins, then it says that Evan is in her thirteenth year of high school (I’m assuming you just meant thirteenth year of school?), then she mentions that she’s almost nineteen and can legally do whatever she wants (even though eighteen is the legal age).
Once the inconsistencies are smoothed out, the plot should really shine through. You do a nice job of setting up an intriguing plot line, and I look forward to reading your revisions.
Hi Marie,
ReplyDeleteI like the world – feels vaguely steampunk maybe? maybe dystopian? Definitely interesting.
I like the voice a lot – good humor, good snark.
I like the punch line of the first paragraph, but I feel like there’s a better hook hiding in here somewhere. Something about Evan being afraid of Morgen or the landing, and barely hanging on to her self-control, maybe?
I was slightly thrown by the wording of the flight timeline – I thought the girls were still in the middle of the flight when Morgen started talking. Also slightly thrown by the paragraph that starts “It was the stuff that crappy movies were made of.” I got there in the end, but I had to re-read. Clarify?
Do you keep up through the whole book the thing where Evan purposely irritates Morgen by asking for information she already knows? It feels like a contrived way to deliver necessary exposition, and it doesn’t make sense for Evan to ever provoke her super evil sister when she knows that Morgen is likely to goad her into accidentally mutilating things. Unless you feel like it’s important to Evan’s character development, I think you can do better.
Why does neither twin have any strengths? Do you mean neither has anything exceptional that would clarify their direction in life? It sounds like you’re saying they’re both bad at everything, but Evan seems reasonably intelligent and competent, and also doesn’t exhibit any of the crippling self-doubt I imagine would come with someone professionally qualified telling you you weren’t good at anything.
Can we get just a little of Evan’s emotional reaction to her dad passing away? We see her reaction to her current predicament, but essentially total indifference to the death – which is fine if she is in fact indifferent, but maybe requires a couple of words to note why?
Be careful of POV. You’re telling this story from Evan’s perspective; so, for example, she doesn’t see it when the blue light sharpens her features, and she wouldn’t tell it that way.
Wow, Morgen is eeeeevilllll!! Exciting stuff. I like it. Looking forward to the revisions.
Hi Marie,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy your story and the first lines – it’s very catchy and already we’re into the world you’ve created. I really like what you’ve done! This five pages are fast paced, which is awesome and has a lot of dialogue, which is also good characterization for your MC and her sister.
I was a little confused by the setting in what regards where she’s going – out of Earth? What happened there? Is there something else we need to know about the world?
I’m also curious about Evan’s powers and how they’ll come into play. Do other people know what she can do? Or only Morgen? Her powers seem a little vague, so I’m curious whether this is going somewhere or whether you can give out a little more information about this.
Morgen, as people pointed out, seems like stereotypical evil twin sister. You have to be really careful as not to point this out straightforward, or at least invert the trope in some way. Being mean right away will call out their difference, but at the same time it leaves your prose more regular, instead of it shining and showing how different your story is.
I really like your premise and I think you’re going places with this story! It sounds really cool right away, fast paced and well written. Good work.