1st 5 Pages September Workshop - Adrian Revision 2 + pitch

Name: Dottie Adrian
Genre: Middle grade fantasy
Title: Ratman's Revenge

Pitch:

Twelve-year-old Cody and his dog, Sandy, venture into the creepy woods
for the first time and discover a city hidden deep underground. With
crystal caves to explore and new friends who have awesome abilities
like reading minds and blending in with nature, it’s the perfect place
for Cody to escape his too-busy divorced parents.

Then Cody learns the Detectors, the underground people who warn the
city of natural disasters and invading beasts, are disappearing. For
no-talent Cody, becoming a hero could be his ticket to feeling like he
belongs, so he searches for the missing people. Instead, he finds
Ratman---a man-sized rat with mind control abilities and an annoying
habit of turning invisible. But Cody is the only one who ever sees the
freaky fur-face.

As Cody searches for clues, Ratman attacks Cody both mentally and
physically. Cody becomes convinced there’s a real man behind the rat
illusion and he has something to do with the missing Detectors.

Cody realizes it’s up to him to hunt down Ratman in time to save the
Detectors and the city from whatever disaster that whiskered weirdo is
plotting---or at least before Ratman’s next attack actually kills him.


First Five Pages:

Mom’s warning blared in my head. I mean it, Cody, she’d said a
bazillion times. It’s too dangerous. Gangs and drug addicts hang out
in those woods. I don’t care what the other boys do, I don’t ever want
you to go in there. Promise me, Cody.

I shaded my eyes with my hands and stared at the woods along the back
of the dog park. The leaves flickered in the breeze as if a million
green fingers were reaching out, begging me to come inside.

Okay, so maybe I did promise, but that was ages ago. Besides, my
friends would be so jealous if I went into the woods without them.

Sandy, my golden retriever, ran up with a tennis ball in her mouth. I
grabbed the slimy ball and tossed it for the seventeenth time that
morning. She raced after it with her ears flapping.

Sweat dripped down my face and I wiped it with my t-shirt. Oh man,
while I melted to death here, my friends were probably swimming in
that freeze-your-toes-off lake at camp right now---lucky turds. The
only water I’d get to swim in this summer was in the bathtub. Dang
Matt and Zach for going off to camp---and for a whole month.

Sandy ran back with the ball and dropped it at my feet. I knelt and
hugged her. “You’d never bail on me, would you, girl. You’re my best
friend in the whole universe.” She licked my nose. Yeah, she agreed
with me.

Suddenly, Sandy turned and raced off toward the woods, barking. I ran
after her. “Sandy, wait! No!”

When mowed grass turned to tall weeds at the edge of the park she
stopped, but she kept staring at the trees, barking. We’d never been
this close to the woods before. I caught up and knelt beside her.
“What is it, girl?”

A boy with long black hair stood just inside the woods, staring at me.
Whoa. Where’d he come from? I waved but he turned and disappeared
between the trees. “Hey, wait!” He was long gone.

I petted Sandy and stared into the woods. That boy looked normal to
me. Maybe Mom made up that stuff about killers and druggies. How would
she know what’s in there anyway? Maybe there are tons of kids riding
on bike trails or swimming in a pond. Or chasing Bigfoot! Something.

“You know, Sandy, I bet Mom and Dad wouldn’t care if I go in there.
I’m almost a teenager now. And they’ve been too busy dating other
people since the divorce to go on picnics or go camping with me.” I
nodded. “Yeah. If they think I’m old enough to be on my own all the
time, then I’m old enough to go into the woods. Right Sandy?”

She licked my nose. Yes!

I stood and dusted off my shorts.

Sunlight streamed between the trees and dotted the shady ground. One
ray of light pointed right at my feet, daring me to come closer.

“You’re on,” I said to the woods. “C’mon, Sandy. Let’s go find that boy.”

I pushed low-hanging branches out of the way as we marched in,
crunching through the dry brush. A warm breeze brushed across my face
and Sandy bobbed her nose at all the new smells. Birds squawked
overhead and hidden bugs made grinding noises like monsters waiting to
strike.

Oh man, this was gonna be awesome.

Weeds swiped my bare legs, some reaching as high as Sandy’s head, and
she’s tall. She’s not as tall as a purebred golden retriever because
she’s a mix of who-knows-what like me. My mom is Native American but
Dad’s plain-old mix-of-everything American. I’ve got Mom’s tanned skin
but I’ve got Dad’s floppy brown hair, so I’m a mix of everything just
like Sandy.

Sandy sniffed a dozen tree trunks then stopped to pee. When her pee
break turned into a poop break I looked around. No bike trails, no
pond, and no kids. But I wasn’t giving up. That boy was in here
somewhere.

Sandy finished her stinky brown deposit (that’s what Mom calls it) and
we pushed on, dodging around a prickly bush.

Clack! Clack! Clack! A brown blur zipped down a tree and two squirrels
hit the ground running. Sandy bolted after them.

“Sandy, no!” This time, she didn’t stop.

I took off, racing between the trees. Bushes scraped my legs. Ow!
Branches smacked my face. Ow! Ow! I followed the sound of her barking,
but it was getting farther away every second. “Sandy, wait for me!”

The heat sucked the air right out of my chest, and my side cramped
with a sharp pain. I raced on, deeper into the woods, jumping over
fallen logs and ducking under low branches. “Sandy!”

Sweat dripped down and stung my eyes. Finally, I stopped and doubled
over, panting. When the stitch in my side let up, I stood and spun in
a circle. There was no sign of Sandy, and no kids either. I was lost
in the middle of the woods while Sandy ran around playing with
squirrels. Great. My friends would crack up laughing over that.

Deep in the woods, only a few streaks of light poked through the tops
of the trees. Shadows surrounded me like zombies in a horror movie.
And this time, the birds and bugs were quiet. Spooky quiet.

This wasn’t so cool anymore. My stomach tensed and gas rose up in my
throat. I gulped it down then picked a direction and started walking.
“Saaannndy!”

Footsteps crunched behind me and I whipped around. “Who’s there?” No
one---just the trees.

Maybe that boy was hiding from me. Or maybe Mom’s killer gangs were
about to jump out.

Crunch. Crunch.

All the hair on my arms stood up and I took off running. “Saaannnndy!”

Woof, woof.

“I’m coming, girl!” I raced up and found her with her front paws on a
tree trunk, staring up at the leaves. Her tail wagged so I figured
she’d found the squirrels. I grabbed her leash from my pocket and
hooked it on her collar. “C’mon, Sandy. Let’s get out of here.”

She stayed with her paws on the tree so I looked up. Halfway up the
tree, a group of leaves shook, but there wasn’t any breeze. Something
was up there---something much bigger than a squirrel.

A giant blob wiggled in the branches, blending with the leaves like a
chameleon. But the outline of it was as big as I was. Then glowing
green eyes blinked at me.

Whoa. I jerked back and fell on my butt. A shiver raced down my back
as if an ice monster ran its icy claws down my skin. I couldn’t take
my eyes off the blob as I scrambled to my feet and pulled on Sandy’s
leash. “C’mon, Sandy, let’s go.” She didn’t move. “Sandy, please!”

She stared up at that thing as if she was in a trance. Was that freaky
monster melting her brain? Would it turn us into tree monsters, too?
Jittery waves of panic raced through me. “Sandy, let’s get out of
here!”

Thump! The leafy blob landed on the ground next to the tree. It looked
like a tree branch standing there with brown wooden legs and arms, and
flickering leaves all over.

Okay, maybe the sun fried my brain or the heat melted my eyes.
Something. This had to be just my imagination.

Then that tree branch shuffled toward me.