Sunday, August 23, 2015

1st 5 Pages August Workshop - Roberts Pitch

Name: Danielle Roberts
Genre: Young Adult XXX
Title: Without

It’s the year 2060, and everyone is happy at last. World peace has finally graced the inhabitants of Earth. But, it’s all Alacrisotium’s doing—the miracle serum invented by Simon Hugh Wells. Mandatory and highly successful, Alcrisotium pumps GABA, Serotonin, and Oxycotin through the brains of millions so that they can only feel joy. But there are those whose brains—for reasons unknown—don’t take the serum: Resisters.

Alli Carter falls beneath that unfortunate category. Forced to come to terms with what she was right after the procedure, Alli has lived in perpetual fear of being caught for years. She must pretend the serum worked to get by, to not get captured and taken away like all the other Resisters. With AE’s (Alacrisotium enforcers) at every corner, Alli must constantly keep up her exhausting façade to avoid getting caught.

But then, her mother discovers Alli’s secret, and doesn’t hesitate to do as they are taught: turn Resisters in. Alli is forced to run from home to avoid capture and ends up in the hands of an organization, HMF, who is against Alacrisotium being mandatory. Shortly afterwards, a valuable piece of information is discovered that could alter everything. But with a traitor in the midst of the organization, obtaining the information becomes more difficult than they could have ever imagined. But Alli knows they must get a hold of it before it’s too late, and truly show the world that without pain, there is no happiness.


  1. Hi Danielle, I think this could use some rewording, but I love the excitement and energy in your pitch. Her mom turns her in?? Yikes, that is a major conflict that makes me want to read more. As far as wording, I would look especially at the second paragraph. I'm not a fan of that first sentence. It sounds like you have a great book in the works here and I can't wait to see where you go with it. Good luck!

    1. I'll work on that paragraph, thanks Melissa ! :)

  2. Hi Danielle,

    Great job! I think the following two sentence could be punched up/rewritten to bring a higher degree of tension to Alli's situation.

    "Alli Carter falls beneath that unfortunate category. Forced to come to terms with what she was right after the procedure, Alli has lived in perpetual fear of being caught for years."

    What about something like this:

    "When the serum doesn't work on Alli she knows she is doomed. Now Alli lives a life of hiding her true self, terrified every single day that she'll be caught and dragged off to prison or death."

    You might consider a line about the emotional toll on Alli to constantly live a life of pretending. No true relationships with her parents or friends, the exhaustion of the fear, wondering if she'll be caught every time she leaves the safety of her bedroom, etc.

    When she does end up on the run is there someone in particular that she meets and begins the fight/search with? Mentioning them and their main problem would bring in some specificity to her story as well as other important characters that have an impact on her life and journey.

    Good luck to you!


    1. Okay, I like your suggestion ! I'll be sure to work on this and add the emotional impact. Thanks for all your feedback/ comments, I really appreciated each one! :)

  3. The second paragraph also tripped me up a bit. The first sentence is clunky (people fall under categories, not beneath them) and be sure to keep everything in the present tense.

    Your first two paragraphs are mostly backstory, and the action doesn't really kick in until paragraph three. By that time, the agent could quit reading. But even when you do get to the core action, it reads a little like a summary (this happens, then this happens, then...). "A valuable piece of information is discovered" is frustratingly vague, and seems like an easy way out. Either tell me what that information is or find another more specific way to ramp up the tension. The same goes with "before it's too late."

  4. I feel like her goal doesn't really come in until the end and this is a VERY important part of your pitch, especially with a dystopian. You need to show your character as actively trying to change her world by meeting this goal. Everything else should act as conflict to this.

    Good luck!

  5. I love that her mom turns her in (well, I don't love that her mother went against her but it's a great plot twist). :) Honestly, my one major critique is the main character's name. I'm not sure if we were told her last name in the pages. You can obviously keep her name that way but as a young adult author, Ally Carter is a very known name. She's my second favorite author and all I can see is Ally Carter is in this story. Again, your call. Just wanted to give you something to think about. Really fun story. :)

    1. Haha I didn't even thing about that. I haven't decided her last name yet and just used that for the pitch but now I'm definitley changing it, thanks Valerie!