Genre: Young Adult Contemporary
Title: Opposites Collide
Charlotte Beckers’ perfect image of her summer in The Leaders of the Eastern Academic Division (LEAD) Program quickly crashes into reality when Garrett Williams, the arrogant captain of the baseball team, gets chosen alongside her. Leaving behind her best friend and the small town on Lambertville, Michigan, the two begin their journey to Providence with a twelve-hour road trip filled to the brim with obstacles. And that’s only the beginning.
The first day of the program brings forward new friends, new possibilities, and new surroundings, as well news of a summer-long project… with Garrett as her partner. Their friction intensifies as they are forced to work together and explosive fights leave their project in danger but that’s not the only thing on the line. Charlotte’s dreams of Brown University are at stake as well as something infinitely scarier, her heart.
Their summer proves to be full of firsts: Charlotte’s first female friend, Garrett’s (surprisingly) first black eye, and a first kiss that demandsattention. As Charlotte learns more about herself, she might just learn that the summer unexpected is better than she ever could have imagined.
Who knows what could happen when opposites collide?
Valerie, I really love your pitch! You show us that the stakes are high, and that the MC will experience things that change her perceptions. Good job.
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ReplyDeleteYay! I was excited to read your pitch because I really wanted to see where this story was headed. Nice job piecing things together- I get it now. I like that Charlotte and Garrett will be forced to get along, it leaves room for conflict. Nice !
ReplyDeleteHi Valerie. Congratulations on winning the agent round!
ReplyDeleteOne thing that's a pretty big no-no in querying is the rhetorical question. It's an easy way out, and it takes the reader's focus away from your story. YOU need to tell me what happens.
There's a couple ways you can streamline this so that it reads smoother and hooks the reader quicker. There's some language issues to iron out (brings forward new friends, the small town on Lambertville.) and you can be more specific in some areas (she "might just" learn... very wishy-washy, and other "things happen" sorts of vagueness). Likewise, other non-essential details (the name of the towns, the length of the trip there) can be cut. Get right to the central conflict.
Lastly, I'm not really seeing the stakes in this story. She's already been accepted to this prestigious program, which will look good on her college application. Why does everything rest on her successfully completing this project? Are admissions officers from Brown going to be there judging it? Getting into college, even an Ivy League one, does not usually rest on such a small task, so show me why it's so important.
First, I think you need to start this off with telling us why she is going to this program and what she might lose if she doesn't finish it (or whatever it is her goal is...I can't figure it out here). Next, we need more information on WHY the guy is going to mess up the whole thing. It sounds like she doesn't like him but every reader is going to know he's probably the love interest which means she's not supposed to like him from the start. We need to know WHY! Are they competing for the same spot or something? We need conflict here. You've given us some nice things that happen (ie, the friend) but we need the bad things.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
First, I think you need to start this off with telling us why she is going to this program and what she might lose if she doesn't finish it (or whatever it is her goal is...I can't figure it out here). Next, we need more information on WHY the guy is going to mess up the whole thing. It sounds like she doesn't like him but every reader is going to know he's probably the love interest which means she's not supposed to like him from the start. We need to know WHY! Are they competing for the same spot or something? We need conflict here. You've given us some nice things that happen (ie, the friend) but we need the bad things.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Charlotte Becker is smart, talented, and just won her way into a program for gifted students. But when Garrett Williams, the arrogant captain of the baseball team, gets chosen alongside her, things get complicated.
ReplyDeleteOk, so I wrote that opening to make it a little easier to read and understand. Opening with the words of an acronym that no one has ever heard of (I haven't) makes us stumble a bit.
As for the rest of the query, I'm not seeing much conflict here, other than working with a guy she doesn't like. What else is happening in this story? What will she gain? What will she lose? What does she WANT?
Is she going to be sabotaged? Is Garret going to take her work and claim credit for it? I need something else. Think about this and the other comments and see how you can make this sharper. I know you can do it, Valerie!