Name: Melissa Miles
Genre: Young Adult
Title: Hashtag Witness
Genre: Young Adult
Title: Hashtag Witness
Hashtag Witness is the story of seventeen-year-old Mindy Jackson, a feisty redhead dreaming big of life after high school. She never planned to spend the end of her junior year jumping at shadows, but a serial killer terrorizing her community causes the summer to begin in a haze of foreboding. Her refuge from small town blues becomes the epicenter of a media frenzy aptly dubbed a "Reign of Terror"--and suddenly the tranquility of her family's secluded lake house has become anything but tranquil.
The killer's arrest should have brought Mindy relief, but instead she's thrust into the media circus swirling around the case in the most negative way possible--as a witness for the Defense. Danger had been closer than she'd imagined, causing her to question everything she'd previously believed about her ability to sense it in her midst.
Cruelly bullied on social media and at school, Mindy struggles to perform her required duty as a subpoenaed witness without compromising her principles. Helping her face down her fears are her quirky group of friends and a mysterious new student, who appears to be everything she's ever wanted in a boyfriend--but can she still trust her instincts?
Hey Melissa,
ReplyDeleteNice pitch- I like the way it's written and how you've left room for mystery. The only critique that I have is not fully understanding the plot of this story. I got a little lost on the second paragraph but it could just be me. Otherwise, great job :)
A pitch should hook the reader from the very first sentence. Yours is very generic and actually misrepresents what follows. This isn't a story about someone dreaming big, is it? Isn't she terrified?
ReplyDeleteI'm also a bit confused by your second paragraph. You've set up the serial killer as your conflict in the first paragraph, but he's caught by the second. This quick resolution and shifting gears to yet another conflict is jarring. I also don't understand how she would become a witness for the defense. She must already know that person, and maybe is providing an alibi? A sentence or two would clear this up without giving away too much info.
Because you want your story to stand out from the usual "teen-terrorized-by-killer" stories, I would start with something like, "When the serial killer terrorizing Mindy's sleepy town is caught, everyone thinks the nightmare is over. But for Mindy, it's just beginning." and go from there. Then right away, we see how your story is unique.
And to clarify, when I said "yours is very generic," I meant your first sentence, not your entire pitch!
ReplyDeleteI like your suggestion for the first sentence! Yes, the killer turns out to be a neighbor at their lake house and she is subpoenaed to testify. She is out of physical danger fairly early in the story, but the bullying and negative reaction she receives as a defense witness is her main struggle. As well as the actual testimony where she has to come face to face with him again in the courtroom.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to re-focus this pitch on what Melissa wants and why this situation is preventing her from getting it. As written, it sounds a bit too much like a plot summary which you want in your synopsis, but not your pitch.
ReplyDeleteFirst, you need to identify her need (the essence of the internal arc) which I think is either friendship or love. Then, you need to incite the external goal (I don't know what this is from your pitch....possibly not testifying or making it to graduation?) with the change which I believe is her being called as a witness (but that's just a guess). Next, you move on to how her being a witness prevents her from fulfilling her goal and threatens the need in the internal arc (ie, friendship or love). This is where you list the bullying and other things that complicate her life. Finally, we need some stakes in there somewhere. What does she have to lose if this all goes wrong?
One last tip - don't ask questions in pitches. Some agents won't mind, but many really hate them.
Good luck!
Thanks so much Holly. You are the second person who mentioned the question, so I will absolutely cut that out! :) I have a ton of work to do still, and I appreciate your guidance to get it where it needs to be.
DeleteI think you have the elements of a good pitch here, but, to my ear, it's not coming across as well as I know it can.
ReplyDeletePerhaps begin with:
Seventeen-year-old Mindy Jackson never planned to spend the end of her junior year jumping at shadows, but a serial killer terrorizing her community causes the summer to begin in a haze of foreboding.
The phrase: causes the summer to begin in a haze of foreboding, doesn't tell us anything, or up the stakes. Perhaps: Seventeen-year-old Mindy Jackson never planned to spend the end of her junior year jumping at shadows, but a serial killer terrorizing her community puts her at the center of a life and death struggle. (Or maybe you can think of something better.)
***
Her refuge from small town blues becomes the epicenter of a media frenzy aptly dubbed a "Reign of Terror"--and suddenly the tranquility of her family's secluded lake house has become anything but tranquil.
I don't know what is happening in the above paragraph.
Why does she have a refuge away from small town blues? What, exactly, is small town blues? Does she live in a small town and she gets the blues there? I don't get it.
This is where the conflict should come in your pitch. Maybe it needs to be rephrased to read that the killer is caught, but that is only the beginning of trouble for Mindy, because she is called as a witness for the defense.
***
The killer's arrest should have brought Mindy relief, but instead she's thrust into the media circus swirling around the case in the most negative way possible--as a witness for the Defense. Danger had been closer than she'd imagined, causing her to question everything she'd previously believed about her ability to sense it in her midst.
***
The phrase: Danger had been closer than she'd imagined, causing her to question everything she'd previously believed about her ability to sense it in her midst, is awkward.
I see from reading some of these comments that the killer was a neighbor from the lake house, but the agent doesn't know this because it's not in the query, so how can we know that danger was closer than she had imagined?
***
Cruelly bullied on social media and at school, Mindy struggles to perform her required duty as a subpoenaed witness without compromising her principles. Helping her face down her fears are her quirky group of friends and a mysterious new student, who appears to be everything she's ever wanted in a boyfriend--but can she still trust her instincts?
Why wouldn't she be able to trust her instincts? Because the killer was someone she knew and she never suspected it?
I know this may sound critical, but I'm trying to give solutions, also. I think you have an interesting thriller here, but it has to really stand out to get noticed.
I'd take the feedback here, and weed through it. Queries need to be tight and concise, clearly defining a character, a conflict, and consequences. Make sure you get all three of those in there, and then give the title and word count at the end.
Good luck, Melissa!
Ronald, thank you so much for your wonderful insights. I need you to be critical, so thanks for being willing to lay it out there for me. :) You make some great points. An agent wouldn't know anything outside of what the query tells him/her. I will definitely work on rewriting the pitch to make it stand out more. Thanks again!
ReplyDeleteYou are most welcome Melissa. Good luck! Check out this link, also:
ReplyDeletehttp://querylettersuccess.com
Thanks, I will!
DeleteMelissa! I'm so glad that we've got to see more of your story. It sounds so great. I like that you mention the cyber bullying here because that is so relevant to today's youth (and adults, Kaitlyn from The Bachelorette can attest to that). I think you've got the makings of a great pitch!
DeleteThanks Valerie!
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