Sunday, August 23, 2015

1st 5 Pages August Workshop - Hartley Pitch

Name: Erin Foster Hartley
Genre: YA Contemporary
Title: Skylar's Kids


After sixteen-year-old drag performer Alexander is betrayed by rival queens, he decides to seek out his biological family. Movie star Skylar Webb auctioned off his sperm to one hundred female fans—including Alexander’s mom—before a nervous breakdown sent him into seclusion in 1997. Alexander and five of his troubled half-siblings track Skylar to a secluded South American island, where they discover their shared heritage is both a blessing and a curse.

9 comments:

  1. Hi Erin, your story is one that has had me really intrigued over the course of the workshop. I'd honestly like to hear a little bit more about what is going to happen in the novel. Maybe give a brief description of the other siblings? This is a unique premise and has real potential. I'll be interested to see where it goes.

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  2. Hey Erin,
    Nice job with this pitch ! I do agree with Melissa (a bit more information on the siblings) but otherwise this is good, you've summed up the story nicely in such a short paragraph.

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  3. I'm not really seeing the connection between the betrayal (inciting incident) and the need. Why must he find his family? Also, it sounds like he finds his siblings early on so the goal is not actually just to find them. Is there something about locating his biological father that will fulfil his internal need? If so, we need to know what that is and why it will be difficult to achieve.

    Good luck!

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  4. I'm not really seeing the connection between the betrayal (inciting incident) and the need. Why must he find his family? Also, it sounds like he finds his siblings early on so the goal is not actually just to find them. Is there something about locating his biological father that will fulfil his internal need? If so, we need to know what that is and why it will be difficult to achieve.

    Good luck!

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  5. Erin, I don't think I had the chance to read your pages during the workshop, but I will search them out. This sounds really intriguing. You're working with diverse characters and that can really stand out in today's marketplace. This story sounds outrageous and wild.

    But you gotta work on this pitch.

    You need an agent to snap this up, and you won't get there with what you have.

    Have you looked at queries that have received requests? Take a look at this link:

    http://querylettersuccess.com/author/ronald-l-smith/

    It's a good website that shows queries that resulted in getting an agent and a book deal.

    Your story sounds so unique, and I want it to get the attention it deserves! You really need a lot more to get it to the point where it can be pitched.

    Take a look at that link and then rework this. I'd love to see more.

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  6. Erin, although I loved your pages this pitch reads like an elevator pitch and not like a query. I have some ideas to help you. Regarding the first line, is it important for us know that Alexander has been betrayed at all? How does that drive him to take his journey? Why does he feel the internal need to seek his father? What's at stake if he doesn't? And ultimately when he does find his father what is the curse? Will his life be at risk? Will he risk loosing the ultimate betrayal from his biological father? While some ambiguity is okay, too much waters down your query and you lose the chance to hook the agent. You have plenty of room to expand on this and I'd love to see your second attempt. You can DM on Twitter @WendySpinale or contact me through my website at www.wendyspinale.com if you want me to take second look at your query revision. I wish you all the best of luck with your manuscript. I really enjoyed everything you brought the table. Awesome job!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Wendy. I've sent a new version to you through your website. Thanks for the offer!

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  7. I agree with Wendy about it reading more like an elevator pitch than a query. Your story really is so unique though, unlike anything I've ever read. I think it just needs more, more words and more uumph. If that makes sense. Really really fun idea for a book. :)

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  8. Erin, can you resend it? I opened up the email on my phone and I think I may have deleted it.

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