Name: Eric Wheeler
Genre: Middle Grade
Title: Olivia Boogieman
My stomach turns summersaults as the cursive letters on the white board taunt me. The words “Family day” appear to pirouette behind Ms. Santiago. My family tends to be scatterbrained at times so I hope they forgot about today even though I saw it at home this morning on our calendar, written clearly in red ink, circled, underlined, and in hieroglyphics.
Hanging from the ceiling are paper mache planets circling an orange Sun. The tiny chairs with desks coming off the side are in a row. I sit in my desk just as the other kids file into the room, laughing and having a good time. They make their ways to their desks and continue to talk with each other, but nobody talks to me. Gordon is big boned and squeezes into his desk, his belly squishes against the wood top. The desks are becoming too small for all us now that we are in the fifth grade but Gordon looks like he’s about to burst.
“Just sit at the art supply table.” Ms. Santiago directs Gordon with her hand. Gordon squeezes out of the seat with a popping sound and lumbers to the art supply table where he sits in an adult chair amongst the paintbrushes and crayons.
“Quiet down students,” Ms. Santiago says once everyone takes their seats. She opens the door and the parents parade in. Most of the students brought their mothers but a few single dads shuffle into the room. Gordon’s parents are the last to come through the door and I sigh with relief when my parents are not here. Maybe they forgot.
A woman pulls a chair next to me. She has short brown hair that matches her eyes. “Hello, you must be Olivia Boogieman, I heard about you. I’m Tessa’s mom.” She pushes her chair so uncomfortably close I smell the coffee on her breath and see her tongue stained white from the excessive cream. Scooting back in my chair, I give myself room. Of course, Tattletale Tessa Thompson told her about me, she can’t keep her big mouth shut.
“What a peculiar surname you have.” Mrs. Thompson lifts her nose in the air as if she’s sniffing out my pedigree. If she wants to see peculiar, she should meet my family.
It’s like she wants to keep the conversation going because she keeps talking to me, leaning in closer with each word she speaks. “I’m a social worker. What do your parents do?”
“Um,” I stammer. The blush rises in my cheeks. What do I say? Mom is a stay at home mummy and Dad works nights?
“Why don’t we get started?” Miss Santiago says as she leans against her desk. The words “Family Day,” appear to dance behind her on the whiteboard.
“Olivia, are you with us,” Ms. Santiago snaps her fingers in front of my face. My cheeks turn pink from the attention; I hate when people draw attention to me, but Ms. Santiago isn’t all-bad though. This is her first year at the school. She’s young, fun and best of all; she’s never had my brother in any of her classes.
Tessa’s mom leans into her daughter, brushes back the hair away from her ear, and whispers. “It’s a shame when a child’s parents don’t care enough to come to family day.” I hear her and she knows it.
As the door opens, Daisy gasps, Emily weeps, and Mrs. Thompson covers Tessa’s eyes, which can mean only one thing. My parents are here.
Dad’s hairy frame takes up most of the doorway, he is big, but most werewolves are, with hair from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet, he looks scarier than he really is. Mom stands behind Dad popping her head in the little space between him and the doorframe. She’s a mummy from ancient Egypt and covered in dingy wrappings with eyeholes and nose holes so she can see and breathe. Dad holds my sister’s boney hand, but in her defense, she’s a skeleton so her whole body is boney. The only person I don’t see is my brother, Vinnie. He’s a shape shifter so he can be anyone or anything. Maybe Ms. Santiago is really my brother or the glossy red apple on the desk could be him, or maybe he didn’t come at all. It’s for the best that he is not here because he’s a troublemaker. Sometimes being part of the Boogieman family is too big of a burden for a normal girl like me. I sink into my chair--why couldn’t I have been born invisible.
“It is very nice that you could join us.” Miss Santiago’s eyes dart from my parents to me probably wondering how a family of monsters are raising a normal girl like me. “If you’d like to stand next to your student we can begin again.”
The paper mache moon dangling from the ceiling catches my father’s eye. He turns up his nose towards the moon, closes his eyes, and howls. Daisy covers her lip glossed stained mouth and giggles while I cringe. Mom quickly taps Dad lightly in the ribs with her elbow. Mom stands behind me while my dad flops on the ground and scratches the fur on his neck with his rear leg. “Fleas.” Dad looks up at Mrs. Thompson, whose lips turn down into a frown.
“Dad, please stop,” I plead.
He climbs back on two feet; his claws scrape across the floor causing goose bumps on my arm.
“I’m pleased so many parents could be here today.” Ms. Santiago says. “You will follow your student throughout the day so you can get a sense of what a typical day at Middlebury Middle School is like.”
My school has a panther for a mascot, and is home to a large population of feral cats. As my father raises his nose and sniffs the air, a low growl escapes his throat. I grasp at his collar before I see the orange, black, and white calico pass the doorway. Dad jerks against my hold, drops to all four paws, and gives chase. Desks fall over; making a loud noise, Tessa screams, and Gordon’s father covers his son as Dad bolts towards the door.
“No bad boy,” Mom scolds Dad as he shoots out the door with me attached to his collar. I jerk forward with his momentum and he drags me across the playground. The cat jumps onto a picnic table and my dad runs under the bench chasing it across the playground. Holding tight, he drags me through the dew stained grass drenching me to the bone. The cat stretches its claws and digs into the bark of a nearby tree, climbing with little effort. Dad stands at the trunk howling as I yank his collar. He digs his feet into the bark as he tries to climb. The cat smiles down at Dad with a big, white toothy grin, like that cat from Alice in Wonderland. “Cats don’t smile,” I mutter. The cat turns into a blob and then into my brother, Vinnie, who is laughing.
“Not funny, Vinnie,” I say.
After a tug on Dad’s collar, he slumps on all four paws and reluctantly follows me back to the classroom.
“You’re not supposed to do that in public,” Mom scolds. She grabs a newspaper from our current events pile, rolls it up, and smacks Dad on the nose.
Hi Eric :)
ReplyDeleteStill love the hieroglyphics part haha
I think the line ‘They make their ways… talks to me’ could be condensed to just ‘Nobody talks to me.’ The rest is overwriting the action a bit.
I think ‘Maybe they forgot’ should just be ‘They forgot.’ The certainity makes it better when it turns out that she’s wrong.
‘It’s like she wants to keep the conversation going’ – I think you’ve done a good job of showing that Mrs. Thompson is this kind of person and don’t need tos ay it.
‘Mom is a stay at home mummy and Dad works nights’ – This is a great line knowing what I know haha
‘I hate when people draw attention to me’ – I think you did great showing that in the line before and don’t need to say it!
‘My parents are here’ – maybe say ‘My family is here’ since her sister comes too?
I still standby the comments I made last week about the ending part of this scene. Olivia doesn’t react at all to being dragged by her father and she really would get quite injured from that!
Still love the eclectic family and the set up for this!
Again, such a fun concept/story!
ReplyDeleteI’m going to ditto Kalyn’s well-thought-out comments.
“My stomach turns summersaults as the cursive letters on the white board taunt me. The words “Family day” appear to pirouette behind Ms. Santiago.” Love these lines. I can feel her anxiety!
“The tiny chairs with desks coming off the side are in a row.” Do you mean there is only one row of desks in the room? And when you say tiny, do you mean kindergarten-sized small in the sense that you later describe with the kids having outgrown the desks? (When I first read it, something in my brain interpreted it as meaning: the tiny chairs and desks come off the side of the solar system model in a long row. I guess I pictured the dollhouse-sized display because the line came right after the small model of the solar system? That might just have been me, though!)
““Just sit at the art supply table.” Ms. Santiago directs Gordon with her hand.” What if you put the beat first then the dialogue?
“…he sits in an adult chair amongst the paintbrushes and crayons.” Such a good line. He’s in an adult chair, but with crayons nearby. I like what it’s saying without saying it—5th grade is a time when kids teeter on the edge between the childish things of elementary school and older pursuits.
“Quiet down students,” Should there be a comma before students?
I envisioned Tattletale Tessa peeking over her shoulder and smirking with her mom is interrogating Olivia. She sounds like a stinker. :-)
Hyphenate “stay at home.”
I love the imagery with “Family day” appearing to pirouette/dance, but maybe use only once?
“…but Ms. Santiago isn’t all-bad though.” You could delete “though.” You’d be ending on a more powerful word with “bad.”
“Tessa’s mom leans into her daughter…” Earlier, Tessa’s mom had scooted next to Olivia’s desk. Did she move away when the teacher called the class to order?
“I hear her and she knows it.” Oooo! Love it!
“…doorway, he is big, but most werewolves are, with hair from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet, he looks scarier than he really is.” I’d start a new sentence after “feet.”
“...my dad runs under the bench” I’m having a hard time seeing Dad running under the bench. You said he was big, so is he too large for that? Does he send the bench flying? And how does Olivia hang on through all of that?
“Holding tight, he drags” Is he holding Olivia tight?
Love this story! So much fun. From these pages I’m guessing a big part of the theme is that Olivia has to come to terms with the fact that her family might be weird, but she loves them. Family might get on your nerves, but they’ve got your back. Something like that?
Hi Eric!
ReplyDeleteI agree with a lot of the comments above, and I think the changes you've made. Here are some of my thoughts:
“Having a good time”—what are they doing exactly? Pushing each other? Making jokes? Singing?
“They make their ways to their desks and continue to talk with each other, but nobody talks to me.” Could be: “They wander to their desks, chatting with each other and ignoring me."
“his belly squishes against” should be “his belly squishing against.”
“Gordon’s parents are the last to come through the door and I sigh with relief when my parents are not here.” I would end the sentence after “relief” so it reads: “and I sigh with relief. My parents aren’t here.”
Switching “Maybe they forgot” to “Hopefully they forgot” would further cinch that she REALLY doesn’t want her parents to show.
How does Tessa's mom immediately know who Olivia is? I’d think it more likely that at the very least she asked if Olivia was Olivia. (I mean, there are a lot of kids, and if she hasn’t met Olivia face-to-face it’d probably be hard to guess which one was Olivia with 100% certainty).
Replacing “see her tongue” with “get a glimpse of her tongue” would sort of eliminate the filter phrase.
Should be a semicolon between “told her about me” and “she can’t keep her…”
It made sense before when Tessa’s mom asked Olivia’s name then commented on her last name, but this just feels weird as she sits next to Olivia and randomly starts talking about her last name.
I like the line about “Mom is a stay at home mummy and Dad works nights.” Very funny. :)
You already used the dancing “Family Day” image at the beginning of the sample, so I would get rid of it after Miss Santiago leans against her desk. (Or remove it from the beginning and leave it here. Either way, I recommend you only use the image once.)
In first person, you can’t really SEE when you blush unless you’re standing in front of a mirror—instead, it tends to work better to describe how it feels (i.e.: her face goes hot). Also, a tweak with the sentence—“My cheeks turn pink from the attention; I hate when people draw attention to me, but Ms. Santiago isn’t all-bad though” could be condensed to “My face warms; I hate being the center of attention. Ms. Santiago isn’t all bad, though…”
How does Olivia know that Tessa’s mom knows Olivia heard her? I’m guessing there was an obvious clue, like maybe Tessa’s mom whispered loudly, and I’d focus on that instead because Olivia can’t know what’s going on in Tessa’s mom’s head. Just saying something along the lines of “Tessa’s mom leans close to her daughter and whispers loudly” would do the trick.
"Dad’s hairy frame takes up most of the doorway, he is big, but most werewolves are, with hair from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet, he looks scarier than he really is” could be streamlined: “Dad’s hairy frame takes up most of the doorway—not surprising considering most werewolves are huge. Hulking and hairy from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet, he looks scarier than he really is.” This just breaks up the sentences and helps the writing flow a little more smoothly.
Next sentence could also be streamlined to “Mom pops her head in the little space between Dad and the doorframe.”
Curiosity: Olivia’s mom needing to see I get, but does she need to breathe? Isn’t she dead?
Apparently I wrote too much—more in the next comment. Heh.
Part two:
ReplyDeleteThe lines about Vinnie could be condensed into one sentence: “The only person not here is my shapeshifter brother, Vinnie. Unless he’s posing as Ms. Santiago. Or her red apple.”
I’d also break up that paragraph about her family—it’s on the long side.
The line about Dad looking at Mrs. Thompson could be streamlined a little too: “Dad looks up at a frowning Mrs. Thompson."
"I grasp at his collar before I see the orange, black, and white calico pass the doorway” could be “I grasp at his collar as an orange, black, and white calico passes the doorway” to remove the filter phrase.
The additional couple lines after her Dad starts running are great, but we’re still not getting OLIVIA’s POV. It’s not clear that he’s dragging her with him until the next paragraph. Before that though, I want to know how it feels to Olivia. Does her arm hurt as she’s jerked forward? Why does she hang on instead of letting go? What’s running through her mind when her Dad jerks forward and she’s still holding him? Right now you don’t have Olivia jerking forward until the next paragraph, but if her dad has moved in the previous paragraph enough to make desks crash into each other, I’d think that she would move then too.
“Desks fall over; making a loud noise” could be “Desks crash together.” It’s a little more visual and condenses a bit.
Also how did they get to the playground? Does the door to the classroom lead directly outside? I would think the class door would lead to the hallway inside.
Why doesn’t Olivia let go when her dad drags her everywhere?
I still think this is a really cute start and a fun idea. Great revisions so far—I look forward to seeing how you continue to tweak this!
I love the bits of humor you’ve incorporated. I actually laughed out loud when I read that dad howled at the paper mache moon.
ReplyDeleteThe sentence, “The words ‘Family day’ appear to pirouette behind Ms. Santiago” is a little awkward to me. I agree with Jennifer that I think you only need to use the imagery once. I personally like the second use better.
The sentence “Dad, please stop,” I plead, I suggest taking out I plead. Instead, follow the dialogue with an action. Olivia covers her face to hide her embarrassment, something like that.
The two paragraphs where Tessa’s mom introduces herself and talks to Olivia, personally I like the original version. The differences are subtle but in the original, the writing was tighter and had a smoother flow to it. But I love how you added the line about her mom is a stay at home mummy and dad works nights. Maybe consider going back to the original but adding this sentence to it.
The other suggestions I have been addressed in the previous comments.
I will say that I agree this is such a fun story!
"Hanging from the ceiling are paper mache planets circling an orange Sun. The tiny chairs with desks coming off the side are in a row." -> So I'm still looking at the ceiling (in my head) so I assumed you meant there were tiny desks coming off the side of the planets. I'd clarify.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the fat-shaming of Gordon. I'm sorry, but it's a PP of mine. Can you make his legs too long or something else that indicates he is too big (without making it about his belly fat?)
"I sigh with relief when my parents are not here." -> I think this should be "when my parents don't come" or "don't walk through the door". We are watching the door at this time and not thinking about here in general. Also, the "Maybe they forgot" doesn't make sense given the number of reminders she told us about in the beginning. Is there another reason they might skip it? This would be a great place to throw in an example of how they normally spend their time. For example, if Dad sleeps all day, you can throw in a tidbit about him sleeping through it again or something like that.
"My cheeks turn pink from the attention," -> she can't see her own cheeks unless she has pulled out a mirror so you need to say they get hot or warm. Also, you don't need "I hate when people draw attention to me" since that is implied by the blush.
"As the door opens, Daisy gasps, Emily weeps, and Mrs. Thompson covers Tessa’s eyes..." -> This is saying that they gasp/weep AS the door is opening which is a pretty quick reaction. I would suggest you let the parents step through the door before people start weeping. Also, think of your character's eyes as a movie camera. Can she actually look at all three of these people in the same sentence? I think it would make more sense to see someone gasp and think it's weird and then see the eyes covered and think "uh oh" and then see the tears and realize it's time to look at the door. This is your BIG introduction to these characters. Don't rush it with one sentence. Obviously, this is your book, but I would expect this one part to be at least a page in itself.
You've done a GREAT job at showing who Dad is, but you're still telling with the others. Words like, "She’s a mummy from ancient Egypt,", "she's a skeleton" and "He’s a shape shifter " are all telling and you don't need them. If you describe their looks or let the classmates react to them, you will show what they are instead. You will also have the opportunity to include more class reaction which is what (I assume) is really mortifying for Olivia.
"he drags me across the playground" -> How did she get outside? You're going to have to explain how the cat opened the doors to get outside and how Dad did while chasing and dragging her. We can't be outside in a snap.
Finally (and I said this before), the world building still needs some work. Olivia is acting like she is a freak, but although there are gasps and cries, no one else seems fazed and the teacher is acting like this is a normal day. I think if you work on the initial reaction more, you will be able to easily insert this kind of information. For example, (and I'm not saying you should do this), if someone gasped and said, "OMG is that guy dressed up for Halloween?" then I would assume that werewolves are NOT normal in this world. Of course, if that's the case, the reaction needs to be really strong because if a werewolf walked into my kid's classroom, I would grab them and run. I most definitely would not gasp and then turn my attention to the teacher.
Okay, that's it. Despite my list of niggly things, I still think this is really cute and love the voice!
Holly
Hi Eric,
ReplyDeleteIt’s really tough to be the last one because I have nothing new to add. I agree with going back to the original version of the interaction between Mrs. Thompson and Olivia.
I also have trouble with the the scene with Gordon. I agree making him taller so that his legs won’t fit under the desk. I think of kindergarten with the words tiny desks.
As I said last time, it would seem that these kids would know about Olivia’s family if they have been going to school together for four years.
I agree that Dad and Olivia couldn’t just run out without doors opening. And why didn’t she let go?
The concept is good and the voice is good.
Julie