Melanie Pendleton
Middle Grade Contemporary
Truth, Lies, and Bucketball
I hear the crowd chanting my name.
“Jerome! Jerome! Jerome!”
This is my chance. I have to stay focused. I can’t psyche myself out.
I eye the target. I shoot. I watch the ball soar through the air. It goes in!
The crowd goes crazy. They gather around me. They’re about to lift me up. This is the best moment of my life. I am the bucketball champion…
Brrrrinnng!
The sound of the bell jolts me back to reality. I take a second to come out of my daze and I look around the classroom. Everyone else is packing up. Too bad. I was digging that daydream. I shut my geography book and stuff it in my backpack.
“Okay class,” Ms. Maguire says as I head for the door. “Get your continent reports on your way out. Some of you need to put forth more effort in your assignments. Mr. Morris…” My teacher raises one eyebrow at me as I take my paper. I guess that means she’s talking about me. I look at my paper and huff. C minus. Dad is going to flip. I can just hear the lecture I’m going to get about how I didn’t do my best. Maybe he’ll believe me this time when I tell him I really did try.
I move through the halls crammed full of students and I think. There are two things I know for sure. Bucketball is the best thing in the world. Reading is the worst. It’s just too hard. I don’t get it. Sometimes I wonder, what’s the use in trying?
“Hey, Jerome!” I feel a slap on the back.
I turn to see Cliff and I smile. It never fails. Cliff is always in a good mood. He struts down the hall like he rules the world. He’s been my best friend ever since elementary school when he sat behind me in Mrs. Williamson’s class. My last name is Morris. Cliff’s is Murphy. Sometimes you gotta love the alphabetical order thing.
“Hey, Zane,” he shouts to a group of eighth-graders standing in the hall. “Good bucketball game yesterday!”
The eighth-graders turn and look at us. They freeze. Suddenly they seem ten feet taller. Their fists look like rocks. Their shoulders look like they’re
wearing football pads underneath their t-shirts.
Marcus Zane is the worst one of all. He glares at us. I hear my own gulp. But Marcus nods one time and turns back to the other guys. I sigh in relief. I don’t know how Cliff does it. In the neighborhood, we’re all equal. At school, the eighth-graders talk to other eighth-graders and the sixth-graders talk to other sixth-graders. But me and Cliff, we’re different. We can talk to the older kids without getting pounded. They never say anything but the all-important head nod is a surefire sign of approval.
“So where ya’ headed?” Cliff asks coolly, like talking to Marcus Zane is no problem. He winks at a group of girls standing at their lockers. They giggle and run off in the opposite direction.
“Language Arts with Higgins,” I grumble.
“Ugh! I’m lucky I didn’t get him this year. I’ve heard he’s tough.”
“He is.” I frown. “And he hates me.”
“He hates everyone.”
“These teachers are a lot different than last year.”
“Welcome to middle school,” Cliff says. Then he smiles. “Well, good luck, buddy.” He gives me another slap on the back and runs off. I let out a huge sigh as I head to my class of doom.
I always like my teachers. I’m not the star student or the teacher’s pet but I never get in trouble. And my grades aren’t bad. Of course Dad thinks I can do better. But they don’t scare me. Until now. Until Higgins.
When I walk in, Higgins is standing at the board writing what looks like a book. I shake my head. He’s just so old. He’s been teaching longer than I’ve been alive. He has white hair. He wears glasses and button-up shirts that look like they’ve been one too many times in the washing machine. He’s big around the middle and he always has a sour look on his face. I figure if he is that unhappy, why doesn’t he just retire? Nobody should have to put up with his bad mood.
He stops writing for a second. He pushes up his glasses, wrinkles his nose, and chuckles. What a dork. Then he continues writing like his hand is on fire. I shake my head some more and go to my seat. Class with Higgins is torture. It’s going to kill me before the year is over, I just know it.
“Hey there, Jer.”
“Hey, Darcy,” I mutter.
“How’s Cliff?” She chews on the tip of her pen and grins. Her bangs cover her eyes so her hair moves every time she blinks. She doesn’t seem to notice.
“You know, Cliff is Cliff.”
“Hmmmm,” she croons in the sing-song voice she gets when she talks about Cliff. I roll my eyes. Sometimes girls can be weird.
“What do you see in him anyway?” I ask her.
“What are you talking about? I mean, what’s not to like? His curly hair, gorgeous green eyes, cute little dimples…”
I snort. Darcy glares at me. “C’mon. You really like that mop on top of his head? Half the time it looks like he’s just been hit by lightning. And he’s so white he could glow in the dark.”
“That’s not very nice, Jerome. You wouldn’t think he’s your best friend by the way you talk about him. Maybe you’re jealous.” She turns away and pouts.
“That’s messed up.” I pretend to be offended but I don’t care. Yeah me and Cliff are different, besides the fact he’s white and I’m black. He’s the one to go to for a good laugh. He always tells good jokes and knows what funny thing to say at the right moment. He has a laugh that makes everyone around him laugh too. He’s fearless and will stand up to anybody. Cliff is the one who gets all the attention. It's been that way from the beginning and it doesn’t bother me one bit.
“Good afternoon, class.” Higgins turns from the board at the sound of the tardy bell.
No answer.
“Today we will begin reading The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. You will each find a copy already on your desk. I expect you all to pay attention and participate. This will be a significant part of your grade for the semester.”
Darcy raises her hand.
“Yes, Ms. Lake?”
“I’ve heard that this book has bad words. Should we be reading it?” Sometimes Darcy can be real goody-two-shoes.
But Higgins gets a pleased looked on his face. “Thank you for asking. You all should be aware this book was written a long time ago. The setting takes place when slavery was prevalent in this country. It does contain what we consider to be derogatory language. But I want you all to look past the language and think about what the book means. As we move forward, we will have many discussions about its themes as well as its historical and cultural implications.”
I groan to myself. It’s bad enough teachers make us read books. Why do we have to talk about them afterwards?
“I would like everyone to please turn to the first page and we will take turns reading out loud.”
Uh oh. I wasn’t expecting this.
First Five Pages Writing Workshop: Jump Start Your Novel and Career
First with the title, Truth, Lies, and Bucketball. I’m confused it bucketball basketball? I don’t know if they are different or if maybe you are from a country other than the United States and that is how it is pronounced.
ReplyDeleteYou have a great middle grade voice right from the start and it is consistent from the beginning to the end.
I hear it is a no-no to start with a dream or daydream. It doesn’t bother me but I hear it is a turn off for agents.
After the name three times there are a lot of sentences starting with “I”. “I eye the target.” “I shoot.” “I watch the ball soar through the hair.
“Okay Class,” this is where I believe the story begins. It feels like the dream sequence was just an attempt to add action to the start of the story and has little to do with the rest of the first five pages.
She calls him Mr. Morris but he doesn’t realize she is talking to him until she raises her eyebrow, seems odd.
I like how they became friends because of the alphabet order thing.
The description of the eighth graders is good.
In the paragraph about Marcus Zane is another set of “I” starts.
Cliff asks Marcus where he’s headed and Jerome answers. All of a sudden the conversation goes between cliff and Jerome and Marcus just disappears. Where did he go?
I like how you call the teacher Higgins, no Mr. It shows the voice well and the lack of respect. I also like the way the teacher has been teaching longer than Jerome is alive.
If Darcy’s bangs cover her eyes how does he see her blink or how does she see at all.
The part about Jerome being black and Cliff being white is worded awkward. Maybe show that Jerome is black by when Higgins talks about derogatory comments during the discussion of Tom Sawyer everyone looks at Jerome.
Good job making Higgins sound like a teacher.
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ReplyDeleteI got the school/middle grade setting clearly. Love your (Jerome’s) voice. He’s got some snark and that’s fun to read. I’m into Jerome’s story and his plight and I’m rooting for him. Nicely done!
ReplyDeleteI have to confess, I’ve never heard of bucketball. I looked it up. Maybe at some point Jerome could make a snarky comment that it’s not basketball or maybe one of the other kids gets the two confused and he sets them straight or he could describe it in a way that the reader would see it? (just suggestions!)
I like that Jerome dreams of being a big-time player. I feel for him that he’s got a dream he hasn’t been able to fulfill and he feels like the low man at the school, wanting to me more like Zane/the older guys who seem to have everything he wants.
The tone feels lighthearted, but I can see potential for emotional moments with Jerome coming to terms with whether or not his dreams get fulfilled and who he might hurt on his way there. Maybe he gets what he thinks he wants, but it’s not the way he thought it would be? Is that part of your theme? Maybe it’s also that Jerome has to accept who he is and realizes he’s got gifts too even if he’s not like all the other kids. Just guessing, but I’m into the story enough to think about it. That’s great!
I’m not sure about starting with a day-dream. It could work, but sometimes the reader feels a bit off-balance because the world they thought they were getting is different from what is really happening. And in conjunction with what the previous commenter said, the agents and editors I’ve heard talking at conferences and in books don’t seem to favor it. They seem to feel starting with dreams or visions is a bit like seeing a waiter with a giant piece of chocolate cake heading to their table, but he gives them ice cream instead. I tried starting with a vision one time and got marked down in a competition for it.
Check to see that you’re varying your sentences. For example you started several sentences with I: “I have to stay focused. I can’t psyche myself out. I eye the target. I shoot. I watch the ball soar through the air. It goes in!” I like the short sentences to show action is happening, but unless you’re going for a rhetorical device to amplify emotion, maybe switch up a few sentences. “I have to stay focused. Can’t psyche myself out. I eye the target. Shoot. Watch the ball soar.”
I might suggest tightening up a bit. For example, in the exchange between Jerome and Cliff you could cut “These teachers are a lot different than last year.” I think in his book On Writing, Stephen King mentioned cutting about 10% after you think you’re done. (Something like that.)
You could combine “Cliff says. Then he smiles” into one beat.
I like Jerome’s sense of humor: “Class of doom.” The way he described the old teacher. He’s a fun view-point character.
In this section: “I don’t know how Cliff does it. In the neighborhood, we’re all equal. At school, the eighth-graders talk to other eighth-graders and the sixth-graders talk to other sixth-graders. But me and Cliff, we’re different. We can talk to the older kids without getting pounded.” I’m wondering if it would increase tension to have Cliff being different, but maybe Jerome’s not? “But Cliff, he’s different…” Perhaps only Cliff gets to be all cool with the 8th graders? It could set up tension between the two friends and more internal tension with Jerome.
I might suggest sticking with “Zane” for that character’s name except the one time you call him Marcus Zane since “Zane” is how he first comes up. It’s a guy thing to use last names anyway, right?
Um...so I wrote my comments in a Word file first and pasted them here, but they were too long, so I'll try to be briefer next time, but here is the rest, if that's ok. :-)
ReplyDeleteMaybe cut down on some of the introductory conversation between Darcy and Jerome. You could skip them saying hi.
I like that Jerome seems jealous that Darcy likes Cliff. Does some of that stem from the fact that Cliff and Jerome have different skin colors? His “glow in the dark” comment seems so. Maybe to show the difference between them even more, earlier or when J is making that Cliff glows in the dark remark, he can glance at his own darker skin? I also like E.S.’s comment about having the class look at Jerome at the mention of Tom Sawyer. Is he in a school where he feels alone, separate? That would be another great way to add in layers of tension and empathy for the character.
Is “croon” a word a 6th grader would use?
“Sometimes Darcy can be real goody-two-shoes.” I think you showed that with her dialog, so you could cut that line.
I like that Jerome, even in his thoughts, is in denial that he’s jealous of Cliff. It’s always good to have your character say one thing, but mean another! Great job!
Your ending place is good because I can tell Jerome is embarrassed by his reading skills and is about to have a tough moment. Good job with that too!
Um...so I wrote my comments in a Word file first and pasted them here, but they were too long, so I'll try to be briefer next time, but here is the rest, if that's ok. :-)
ReplyDeleteMaybe cut down on some of the introductory conversation between Darcy and Jerome. You could skip them saying hi.
I like that Jerome seems jealous that Darcy likes Cliff. Does some of that stem from the fact that Cliff and Jerome have different skin colors? His “glow in the dark” comment seems so. Maybe to show the difference between them even more, earlier or when J is making that Cliff glows in the dark remark, he can glance at his own darker skin? I also like E.S.’s comment about having the class look at Jerome at the mention of Tom Sawyer. Is he in a school where he feels alone, separate? That would be another great way to add in layers of tension and empathy for the character.
Is “croon” a word a 6th grader would use?
“Sometimes Darcy can be real goody-two-shoes.” I think you showed that with her dialog, so you could cut that line.
I like that Jerome, even in his thoughts, is in denial that he’s jealous of Cliff. It’s always good to have your character say one thing, but mean another! Great job!
Your ending place is good because I can tell Jerome is embarrassed by his reading skills and is about to have a tough moment. Good job with that too!
So first a few things I agree with:
ReplyDeleteI’m also confused about the term bucketball.
You’ve done a great job capturing the middle grade voice! I’m also a fan of Jerome and the bits of snark that pop up. Huge snark fan haha.
There are a lot of sentences starting with I.
About a couple other people’s comments:
In response to something what E.S. said, I believe he got confused when he read the line ‘like talking to Marcus Zane is no problem’ after the dialogue “So where ya headed?” and thought that Cliff was asking Zane that question instead of Jerome. Perhaps you could rephrase the second part to say, ‘Cliff asks coolly, like the fact that he just talked to Marcus Zane is no problem’
In response to Jennifer’s comment about the daydream revealing Jerome’s desire to be a big time player and E.S. commenting that the daydream doesn’t seem to have importance, perhaps you could solve this by bringing the daydream back into the story when Jerome sees Marcus? Something like, ‘Marcus didn’t have to daydream about being a bucketball star. He is one.’ I think this would also make Jerome's motivations clear quickly, which is important to do. What does Jerome want? One thing is to be a bucketball star.
And stuff I noticed:
You have a lot of filters. Filters are when you write out that a character sees or thinks or hears (etc) something instead of just saying her. Here are some examples from your writing I noticed and suggested changes to show what I mean:
‘I hear the crowd chanting my name’ should be ‘The crowd chants my name.’
‘I watch the ball soar’ should be ‘The ball soars through the air’
‘And I think’ – this is a filter, but instead of being changed, it should just be removed.
‘Sometimes I wonder’ – just say ‘What’s the use in trying?’ Have him wonder it instead of saying he wonders it.
When referring to Higgins, you start a lot of sentences with ‘he’ close together. Same with Cliff occasionally.
I also think you did a nice job of characterizing Jerome and Cliff through their interactions with each other. Which makes me wonder if you even need the comment about how Cliff and Jerome are different and how. I think you've shown it!
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteSo I agree with many of the comments so far, which you'll see in my notes.
Like others, I was confused about bucketball. Is bucketball not the same as basketball? If it’s different, I recommend making that clear from the beginning. If not…why not say basketball?
Be careful with filter phrases. The first sentence, for example, could be tweaked as “The crowd chants my name” to remove the filter word “hear.” Same goes for “I watch the ball soar through the air” which could be “The ball soars through the air.” Others you want to watch out for: “I wonder,” “I feel,” “I think,” “I see,” “I hear," etc. For more info on filter phrases you can take a look at this post: http://avajae.blogspot.com/2015/03/how-to-and-why-you-should-eliminate.html
Be careful with telling vs. showing. For example, “It goes in!” is telling, but if you replaced it with a description of the ball hitting the rim, circling the basket, then falling in (or something), it’d be much more visual and effective.
You use quite a few exclamation points—I recommend you try to cut as many as possible. Generally, it’s best to use as few as you can, and having five on the first page might be a red flag for many industry people.
I’d like to see more of Jerome’s emotions shown in the writing. In the dream sequence, for example, we have no idea what Jerome is feeling. Is he nervous? Excited? Ecstatic? Think about what he’s feeling, then show us how those emotions affect him physically and mentally (i.e.: if he’s nervous, maybe his heart is pounding and his hands are sweaty and clammy). A fantastic resource to help with this is THE EMOTION THESAURUS by Angela Ackerman and Becca Puglisi.
And…speaking of dream sequences, I definitely recommend you consider cutting it from your opening. Dream sequences are used a lot, and are almost always pointed out by agents and editors as something you want to avoid, because it tends to read as a bait and switch and can be disorienting. In this case, it looks like it was added to give a little action to your opening (which is often the case for dream sequence openings), but I don’t recommend it.
Ha ha I love the description of the eighth graders. Too fun and cute. Great job. :)
I’m wondering if maybe you’re not starting in the right place. We go through a lot of Jerome’s school day before we get even a hint of conflict at the very end of the excerpt. I’m not sure what your inciting incident is, but you may want to consider starting closer to the event that kicks off the story.
Overall, great MG voice throughout—Jerome definitely sounds like a middle school kid trying to be cool and get through school. :)
Hi Melanie,
ReplyDeleteFirst thing: don't fret about any comments. Sometimes they can seem overwhelming. Take from them what you find helpful. Also, thanks so much for sharing your work here with us.
Okay, my notes. I'll be jotting them down as I read.
Bucketball - I think some of the confusion could be erased if you gave a few clues about it within the daydream. (Yes, I've also been told not to start a story with a dream or daydream, but I think it works here. You could always open with your MC leaving the classroom, have something happen - ex: as your MC is stuffing things into his backpack, he watches another kid rim the trashcan with a small eraser or paper rolled into a ball - and then have the dazed daydream. You could even have him interact briefly with another classmate to give the reader an idea of who this kid is. Just an idea if you want to take other's advice about not opening with a dream.) You could mention what size ball is being used - ping-pong ball, a wad of paper crumbled up to appear like a ball, whatever ... You could do the same with the 'bucket' being used. Does it have a net? Is it small rimmed, etc...
You've created other opportunities to 'explain by showing' the importance of bucketball to this story. Your MC's conversation with his best bud, maybe even the older students in the hallway.
Your MC has a nice voice. I really like how tentative he sounds about telling his dad about his C minus. Says a lot about this relationship. You've included some very MGish elements such as the older middle graders in the hallway and the girls being all giggly.
There are a few areas where you could show by a simple sentence or gesture that your MC is not a star student, but never gets into trouble. Just play with it. A timid glance at a teacher or whatever... I'm sure you can come up with something.
Ooh...jealousy. '....and it doesn't bother me one bit.' I like the snippet of mystery this adds. :) Maybe it doesn't bother him, but maybe it does. We'll see... I like the way you've ended this part. I can remember that sudden pang in my gut when the teacher said we were reading out loud. Loads of kiddos will relate to that, I'm sure.
My only other observation is that, at this point, I'm not sure what the story is about yet. Is it that he's leery about classes, but he's not a totally poor student? Does he have a problem? Just think about that as you rewrite.
Again, thanks so much for letting me read. You have a wonderful MG voice here and the makings for a great story start. Looking forward to your revision!
You have the middle voice down pat. Jerome and Cliff sound so true and each has his own voice. I like the dialogue.
ReplyDeleteThe daydream scene at the beginning confused me. I was into the scene only to be let down when he was called back to reality. I like it and think it can go later in the book. The actual dream was so realistic; I could feel his excitement when the ball went in.
I had to Google bucketball. I had never heard of it. An explanation of that when he sees Zane would be good. Or have another kid ask him about bucketball. It sounds like a school event but it’s more a backyard game.
Use Zane throughout the book. MG boys like to use last names. My last name is Murphy and the boys and some girls called me Murph. I like that some kids used “J” to refer to Jerome. Also, that was a good description of how sixth graders and eighth graders don’t mingle at school. I like you said he moved through the halls but use some action there: I slung my backpack over my arm in the hall. Three kids bumped into me before I had walked ten steps.
I’m thinking Cliff would know J’s next class. Cliff might say, “Good luck with Higgins’ class.” J, “Yeah, I just can’t get used to these teachers.”
Take a different approach to the race difference. It’s important. Is he in a private school where he is the only black student? During his thought process, you might say something like: The other kids think it’s so funny that this super white kid hangs out with this dark chocolate boy.
Also, why are the kids called Mr. and Ms. That may be the norm where you’re from but using that formal address surprised me.
I appreciate the angst he felt when they were going to have to read aloud.