Sunday, July 12, 2015

First 5 Pages July Workshop - Josephson Rev 1

Name: Kalyn Josephson
Genre: YA Fantasy
Title: The Underground

 In situations like this, Ross tried to stand absolutely still and filter out every word her father spoke. She made it all of ten seconds. Seizing an empty plastic bottle from the kitchen counter, she chucked it at him. Ericen dodged with all the grace of a dancing hippo, which was more than Ross expected considering he could barely stand upright. The bottle clattered against the wall before joining a growing collection of dust and hair on the floor.

“Stop it!” Ross clenched her hands. “I swear, if you say one more word against mom, the next bottle won’t be plastic.” At the rate her father drank, there was plenty of ammunition.

            Ericen collapsed back against the wall, his normally golden skin pale and awash in red. Ross turned away, unable to bear their resemblance. He’d been a handsome man once, before her mother had been kidnapped and he’d tripped and fallen into an unending pool of liquor. Now Ross loathed their similarity, the amber eyes and brown hair alight with red.

            “I’m not saying it was her fault,” he said. Six hard drinks in and he still didn’t slur. Considering drunk was his natural state, it wasn’t surprising. “I’m just saying she shouldn’t have left that night. She knew the people following us were close.”

            “She left to meet with your contact!” Ross slammed her hands down and rose from her seat at the counter. “You should have been with her. And now she’s trapped in Haven, with who the hell knows what kind of creatures, and we’re out here doing nothing.”

            Haven was a dangerous enough place when you weren’t human. It was meant to be a safe place for supernatural creatures, but it’d gone more downhill than her father.

            Every muscle in Ericen’s face went rigid, his hands curling into fists. “Trapped?” he said, staggering off the wall. “You think she’s trapped, Ross? Your mother’s been gone for two months! She isn’t trapped. She’s dead.”

“No!” Ross swept her hand across the counter, sending a week’s worth of plastic dishes clattering across the floor. “You’re wrong. I know you’re wrong, and I’m going to prove it.” She turned for the hallway.

            Ericen stepped after her. “You can’t go to Haven, Ross! They’ll kill you.”

            “Like you give a shit,” she said without turning around.

            “Ross!” His hand closed around her upper arm, pulling her back. She fought his hold, but he spun her around, slamming her up against the wall. Her head struck the plaster with a dull thud.

They froze.

How had he moved that fast? That quietly? Ross’s mind focused on the questions, on the way her father stared wide-eyed and unmoving down at her, on anything other than the fact that he’d just laid a hand on her.

When her throat started burning, she realized she wasn't breathing. She released the breath and Ericen stepped back, his hands held up like he was backing away from a wild animal. Ross’s mind screamed at her to go, to run, to lock herself in her room. But her body refused to respond.

“I’m sorry.” His voice was barely a whisper. “Rossalyn, I’m sorry. Please, don’t go.”

Ross stiffened. Only her mother called her by her full name. Coming from him, it was a slap in the face. It took several more breaths before she regained her voice.

“Don’t ever call me that again.” She left.

She sprinted up the stairs past an orange tabby sitting on the top step. It took off after her, slipping inside the second before she slammed her door. Collapsing back against it, Ross slid to the ground, her heart drumming in her ears.

Tom rose onto his hind legs, balancing his front paws against her knees so he could see her face.

“I’m an idiot,” Ross said. “I kept thinking he’d snap out of it.”

You love him, Ross.” Tom’s voice floated through her head.

“Not him.” Ross shook her head. “This isn’t him. The man I know would have gone after her, no matter what.”

Tom leapt up over her knees, climbing down into her lap where he sat. “They promised each other that if one of them was taken, the other wouldn’t leave you to come after them.”

Ross snorted harshly. “He might as well have gone after her. He’s not really here.”

They sat in silence for some time. Tom curled up in her lap, purring quietly, as Ross struggled to process what had just happened. Her father had always been a loud drunk, but never a violent one. He hadn’t meant to hurt her. She knew that. But she couldn’t sit here and wait any longer. Ericen may have promised that he wouldn’t go after her mother, but Ross hadn’t.

She slid out from under Tom, who rolled sleepily onto his feet, and grabbed her shoulder bag. Tom watched with a flat gaze, his tail flicking from side to side.

“Don’t look at me like that,” she said. “I can’t stay here another minute.”

            “I wouldn't ask you to.

            Ross stopped. Tom had been the only thing keeping her sane since her mother’s disappearance, and if he thought leaving was a good idea, there was no way in hell she was sticking around.

            “Will you come with me?” she asked.

            Despite both being natives of Haven, neither Ross nor Tom remembered any of it. Her parents had been forced to run when she was just a baby, and he’d been taken when he was just a kitten. Or a whatever he was. No one actually knew. Just over a year ago, Ericen’s last contact from the city had showed up with Tom. Her father had bought him for her. He’d become the closest thing she’d had to a friend in a long time, and the idea of leaving him behind made her chest ache.

            “Already packed.

            Ross took a long breath and started packing. Not that she had much to take. Her room was so empty and plain it looked uninhabited, but she’d gotten tired of packing everything up long ago. It was easier to move on a moment’s notice when everything you owned fit into one bag.

The first thing she grabbed was her knives. As much as they reminded her of her father, they were the only set she had. He’d given them to her on her twelfth birthday, after another party alone with her family. By that time Ross had stopped trying to make friends. There was no point, not when she’d just have to move again. Her father had gotten her the knives to cheer her up, and they’d spent the rest of the day in the wood beside their rental practicing.

Ross’s throat tightened and she forced the emotion away. Thinking about who her father used to be just made who he’d become that much more difficult to accept. He might not see it, but he needed her to go as much as she did. Not only before he destroyed what remained of their relationship, but because if there was any chance her mother was still alive, she was the only thing that could bring him back from the edge.


She waited a moment, letting the memory fade before strapping the sheathes to her forearms. It was easier to pretend they had nothing to do with her father. Much easier than thinking about all the time they’d spent together training with them.

12 comments:

  1. I know I’m in the minority but I like the glass bottle shattering. It seems more threatening than a plastic bottle floating through the air.

    The dialogue is good.

    I love the line “Fallen into an unending pool of liquor.”

    I’m not thrilled with the dad injuring Ross.

    I liked that you added more to the relationship between Ross and Tom.

    I don’t have a lot to add and what is say is nitpicky. I think the revision is excellent and if I were to download a this sample from an online book seller and read just the first five pages, I wouldn’t be able to hit Buy soon enough. This is really good.

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  3. This is well done. You have some great expressions like dancing hippo and tripped and fell into an unending pool of liquor. I like how you revised the last paragraph in your original 5 pages so now the cat shares the info about the parents’ promise to each other. That works!

    One thing I question is Dad’s drunk behavior. In the beginning he could barely stand, yet he wasn’t slurring and Ross wasn’t surprised because drunk was his natural state. That seems a little contradictory to me. But maybe I’m being nitpicky. See what the others say.

    Again, maybe it’s just me but I don’t think you need the sentence “That quietly?” I understand her questioning how he had moved that fast. But the next one doesn’t seem to add much to the scene.

    And rather than “she released the breath,” how about “she released her breath.”

    Why were her parents forced to run and leave Haven? Why do they have to move around so much?

    Why/how is she able to talk to the cat?

    Overall, great revision. You incorporated some really effective changes and clarified a lot of the questions I had before.

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  4. WOW, Kalyn! WOOHOO!! Way to go on the revision! I truly felt the conflicted feelings she has about her dad, now! GREAT JOB!
    This time, I went through the pages and edited the things that stood out to me most. The things I think I would change. Please ignore anything that you feel doesn't work! This is YOUR book, and though it's SUPER important to take advice from people who've "been there, done that" ultimately it is YOUR decision. Your call!! But I do want to repeat that you've done a PHENOMENAL job so far!!! *claps for you* :D

    In situations like this, Ross always tried to stand absolutely still and filter out every word her father spoke [said]. She made it all of ten seconds. Seizing an empty plastic bottle from the kitchen counter, she chucked it at him. Ericen dodged with all the grace of a dancing hippo, which was more than Ross expected considering he could barely stand upright. The bottle clattered against the wall, before joining a growing collection of dust and hair on the floor. [before joining the growing collection of empties and fur-balls that littered the scuffed linoleum floor.] {Just adding a bit of atmosphere, giving us a sense of place?}

    “Stop it!” Ross clenched her hands. “I swear if you say one more word against [Mom], the next bottle won’t be plastic.” At the rate her father drank, there was plenty of ammunition.

    Ericen {I’d like to see a last name here} collapsed back against the wall, his normally golden skin pale and [since the next three words are repeated at the end of the paragraph, maybe pinched? haggard?]awash in red. Ross turned away, unable to bear their resemblance. He’d been a handsome man once, before her mother had been kidnapped and he’d tripped and fallen into an unending pool of liquor. {LOVE this} Now Ross loathed their similarity, the amber eyes and brown hair alight with red.
    {slight rewording} [Now Ross loathed the similarity between them. Amber eyes. Slight build. Brown hair alight with red.]

    “I’m not saying it was her fault,” he said. Six hard drinks in and he still didn’t slur. Considering drunk was his natural state, it wasn’t surprising. {slight rewording} [Not surprising, since drunk was his natural state.] “I’m just saying she shouldn’t have left that night. She knew the people following [tailing] us were closing in.”

    “She left to meet with your contact!” Ross slammed her hands down and rose from her seat at the counter. “You should have been gone with her. And[cut And] [N]now she’s trapped in Haven, with who the hell knows what kind of creatures, and [while] we’re out here doing nothing.”

    Haven was a dangerous enough place when you weren’t human. It was meant to be a safe place for supernatural creatures, but it’d gone more downhill than her father. {How does Ross know about what’s happening in Haven these days? Is it rumor? Supposition?}
    [Supposedly, Haven was a dangerous enough place when you weren’t human. It was meant to be a safe place for supernatural creatures. But rumor claimed the city had gone more downhill faster than her dad.]

    Every muscle in Ericen’s face went rigid, his hands curling into fists. {Break up sentence} [Every muscle in Ericen’s face went rigid. His hands curled into fists.] “Trapped?” he said, staggering off the wall. “You think she’s trapped, Ross? Your mother’s been gone for two months! She isn’t trapped. She’s dead.”

    “No!” Ross swept her hand across the counter, sending a week’s worth of plastic dishes clattering across the floor. “You’re wrong. I know you’re wrong, and I’m going to prove it.” She turned for the hallway.

    cont..

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  5. Ericen stepped after her. “You can’t go to Haven, Ross! They’ll kill you.”

    “Like you give a shit,” she said without turning around.

    “Ross!” His hand closed around her upper arm, pulling her back. She fought his hold, but he spun her around, slamming her up against the wall. Her head struck the plaster with a dull thud. {While I hate violence, I think this is necessary to show how far gone her dad is—and gives Ross a pivotal reason to leave. Great work!}

    They froze. {Nice}

    How had he moved that fast? That quietly? Ross’s mind focused on the questions, on the way her father stared wide-eyed and unmoving down at her, on anything other than the fact that he’d just laid a hand on her. {She ‘focused on the questions’ but then just drops them. Seems like she’d be shocked by that as well. Maybe a bit of internal dialogue here. Like…What the hell was that?}

    When her throat started burning, she realized she wasn't breathing. She released the breath and Ericen stepped back, his hands held up like he was backing away from a wild animal. Ross’s mind screamed at her to go, to run, to lock herself in her room. But her body refused to respond.

    {slight reword} [Throat burning, Ross realized she wasn't breathing. As Ericen stepped back, hands held out like he was backing away from a wild animal, she finally exhaled. Ross’ mind screamed at her to go, to run, to lock herself in her room. But her body refused to respond.]

    “I’m sorry.” His [Her father’s] voice was barely a whisper. “Rossalyn, I’m sorry. Please, don’t go.”
    cont..

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  6. Ross stiffened. Only her mother called her by her full name. Coming from him, it was a slap in the face. It took several more breaths before she regained her voice.

    “Don’t ever call me that again.” She left. {I’d cut this motion tag}

    She sprinted up the stairs past an orange tabby sitting on the top step. It took off after her, slipping inside the second before she slammed her door. Collapsing back against it [the cheap plywood], Ross slid to the ground, her{cut her} heart drumming in her ears.

    Tom [The cat] rose onto his hind legs, balancing his front paws against her knees so he could see her face.

    “I’m an idiot,[Tom],” Ross said. “I kept thinking he’d snap out of it.”

    “You love him [cut Ross].” Tom’s [growly? Deep? What does it sound like?]voice floated through her head.

    “Not him.” Ross shook her head. “This isn’t him. The man I know would have gone after her, no matter what.”
    {slight reword} [“Not anymore.” Ross shook her head. “That isn’t him. The dad I knew would’ve have gone after her. No matter what.”]

    Tom leapt up over her knees, climbing down into her lap where he sat. “They promised each other that if one of them was taken, the other wouldn’t leave you to come after them.”
    {slight reword} [Tom leapt up over her knees, and settled in her lap. “But Ross, they promised each other that if one of them was ever taken, the other would stay and protect you.”]
    cont...

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  7. Ross snorted harshly[cut adverb]. “He might as well have gone after her. He’s not really here [with me, that’s for sure].”

    They sat in silence for some time. Tom curled up in her lap, purring quietly, as Ross struggled to process what had just happened. Her father had always been a loud drunk, but never a violent one. He hadn’t meant to hurt her. She knew that. But she couldn’t sit here and wait any longer. Ericen may have promised that he wouldn’t go after her mother, but Ross hadn’t.

    She slid out from under Tom, who rolled sleepily onto his feet, and grabbed her shoulder bag. Tom watched with a flat gaze, his tail flicking from side to side.

    {Slight RW} [She slid out from under Tom, who rolled sleepily to his feet. Ross grabbed her shoulder bag. Tom watched with a flat gaze, his tail flicking from side to side.]

    “Don’t look at me like that,” she said. “I can’t stay here another minute.”

    “I wouldn't ask you to.”

    Ross stopped. Tom had been the only thing keeping her sane since her mother’s disappearance,[.cut ‘and’] and [I]if he thought leaving was a good idea, there was no way in hell she was sticking around.

    “Will you come with me?” she asked.

    Despite both being natives of Haven, neither Ross nor Tom remembered any of it. Her parents had been forced to run when she was just a baby, and he’d been taken when he was just a kitten. Or a whatever he was. No one actually knew. Just over a year ago, Ericen’s last contact from the city had showed up with Tom. Her father had bought him for her. He’d become the closest thing she’d had to a friend in a long time, and the idea of leaving him behind made her chest ache. {Awwww ;)}
    cont...

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  8. Love the revisions. Love the concept!

    Your first paragraph sets a great scene. The messy, neglected kitchen comes alive as I read.

    “Stop it!” Ross clenched her hands. “I swear, if you say one more word against mom, the next bottle won’t be plastic….” I understand that Ross was tuning her dad out, but I felt like I missed something when she reacts so strongly with “Stop it.” I wondered if Dad could say something about her mom and then she reacts? Maybe someone else has an opinion on that one. It could just be me.

    The “unending pool of liquor” line is great. Those few words say so much.
    I like the way you describe how they look by comparing them, but in a negative manner that conveys Ross’ emotions. There’s a lot of subtext there.

    “Six hard drinks in and he still didn’t slur.” This is another line with lots of subtext. I’m guessing that Ross and her dad aren’t human as I read because he can drink lots without slurring and still moves fast. She had her head smashed into the wall, but didn’t get physically hurt. She also played with knives when she was twelve, so that’s another clue, but I feel like you’ve done a great job of showing us that these aren’t normal humans. Right now I’m wondering if they’re Fae. 

    “Ericen dodged with all the grace of a dancing hippo,” vs “How had he moved that fast? That quietly?” I love the dancing hippo line, and I like him moving super fast, but the two descriptions of Dad seem to be at odds with each other.

    ““Don’t ever call me that again.” She left. … She sprinted up the stairs” I wonder if you could delete “She left” and start “She sprinted…” in its place. “She left” sounded like she left the house.

    I love Tom! I’d probably read the story just for him. Please don’t get me wrong, I’d read it for the other stuff too! But I can tell I’m going to love Tom. (How did you get your italics to stay formatted? Mine went away when I sent my email.)

    “Not him.” Ross shook her head. “This isn’t him...” When you said “Not him,” I stopped to reread. Does she mean she doesn’t love this version of her dad?

    “They promised each other that if one of them was taken, the other wouldn’t leave you to come after them.” I love how you worked in this info by having Tom say it.

    “She slid out from under Tom, who rolled sleepily onto his feet, and grabbed her shoulder bag.” Sounds a bit like Tom grabbed her shoulder bag.

    I’m really feeling for her toward the end, with her memories of her dad.

    Great job! I really want to read the rest to see what happens and what Haven is like. I wonder if Ross is maybe from an ousted royal family that has to go kick butt, take names, and right wrongs in Haven.

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  9. “Already packed.” [I feel like we need a dialogue tag here, maybe?]

    Ross took a long breath and started packing. Not that she had much to take. Her room was so empty and plain it looked uninhabited, but she’d gotten tired of packing everything up long ago. It was easier to move on a moment’s notice when everything you owned fit into one bag. {NICE rev!}

    The first thing she grabbed was her knives. As much as they reminded her of her father, they were the only set she had. He’d given them to her on her twelfth birthday, after another party alone with her family. By that time Ross had stopped trying to make friends. There was no point, not when she’d just have to move again. Her father had gotten her the knives to cheer her up, and they’d spent the rest of the day in the wood beside their rental practicing.
    The first thing she grabbed was her knives. As much as they reminded her of her father, they were the only set she had. He’d given them to her on her twelfth birthday, after another party alone with her family. By that time Ross had stopped trying to make friends. There was no point, not when she’d just have to move again. Her father had gotten her the knives to cheer her up, and they’d spent the rest of the day in the wood beside their rental practicing.
    [The first thing she grabbed were her knives. Though they reminded her of her dad, they were the only set she had. Ericen gave her the {Razor-sharp? Bone handled-Short description} blades on her twelfth birthday, after yet another party alone with her family. By that time she’d stopped trying to make friends. There was no point when they’d just move again. Still, that was a good day. Out in the woods behind their rental, while Ross practiced, the three of them had laughed and talked until the sun went down.

    Ross’s throat tightened and she forced the emotion away. Thinking about who her father used to be just made who he’d become that much more difficult to accept. He might not see it, but he needed her to go as much as she did. Not only before he destroyed what remained of their relationship, but because if there was any chance her mother was still alive, she was the only thing that could bring him back from the edge.


    She waited a moment, letting the memory [of her once-happy family] fade before strapping the sheathes to her forearms. It was easier to pretend they had nothing to do with her father. Much easier than thinking about all the time they’d spent together training with them. {This feels repetitive. I think it’s a stronger ending to cut last two sentences.}

    Let me just repeat that you've done a FABULOUS job on the rev! So, take what you want and leave the rest! Way to go!! YAYY!!

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  10. Hi there! I am SO impressed with this revision! Really fabulous job. Here are my thoughts:

    Great change with the plastic bottle. Now I’m definitely not so put off right from the start, since, you know, harmless. :)

    Nice revision with dropping a bit of info about Haven—just enough without being info-dumpy! I did notice, however, that the line “but it’d gone more downhill than her father” reads a little clunky.

    Um whoa. The thing with her dad? I am super intrigued about how he moved so quickly/quietly—is that a hint? Is he supernatural or something? I don’t like that he hurt her but I’m getting the sense this was an accident and his intention was just to keep her from leaving (and not to hurt her in the process)…so as long as this isn’t a habit I think I’m okay with it here.

    Be careful with filter phrases like “she realized.” (i.e.: “When her throat started burning, she realized she wasn’t breathing” would read better as “Her throat burned—she wasn’t breathing.”)

    We don’t need “She left” after “Don’t ever call me that again” because in the next paragraph we see her sprinting up the steps. (Also, “She left” sounds like she left the house.)

    Question: did you change when the mom was abducted? Maybe I missed it but I didn’t see a mention of the time here so I was a little unsure.

    I love the flow of this revision, you’ve done a really excellent job. Overall, really great revision! *high-fives*

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  11. Hi Kalyn,

    I agree with everyone that the revision was great. The opening scene established conflict and emotion. Dad moving like a like a dancing hippo is really good but then later, he’s moving that fast and quietly.

    I love Tom and what you’ve added about him. I love that they can communicate and that he is such a good friend to her.

    I am confused about Haven and whether she is human or part human because it was meant to be a safe place for supernatural creatures. I don’t like the structure of “Haven was a dangerous enough place when you weren’t human.” So do humans live there and Haven is not a safe place.

    It is good for her to know that her parents had promised that one of them would not to leave her. Intellectually she knows that her father stayed for her sake but his decline has put her in a bad place emotionally.

    Good work,
    Julie

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  12. I'm SO sorry I'm late commenting. I hope this is still helpful. It's already come a long way and I love the revision! Great voice. Great details dribbled in. My big question is still why NOW? Why after two months of waiting? Did the dad manhandling her put her over the edge finally? Did she know they'd promised each other not to go after them? Because that's big info. Or maybe it's just a thought like, It's time to stop pretending he's going to suddenly sober up and help. I've wasted two months already. Otherwise really enjoying it!!

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