Sunday, July 19, 2015

1st 5 Pages July Workshop - Wheeler Rev 2

Name:  Eric Wheeler
Genre:  Middle Grade
Title: Olivia Boogieman

My stomach turns summersaults as the cursive letters on the white board taunt me.  As I read the words “Family Day,” my lips move. My family tends to be scatterbrained at times so I hope they forgot about today even though I saw it at home this morning on our calendar, written clearly in red ink, circled, underlined, and in hieroglyphics. 
 
Ms. Santiago sits at her desk, dangling from the ceiling above her are paper mache planets circling an orange Sun.  Our desks, with tiny chairs are in neat rows.  I sit in my desk just as the other kids file into the room laughing and pushing each other playfully.  They wander to their desks, chatting with each other and ignoring me.  Gordon slips into his seat, his long legs push against the top of his desk.  The desks are becoming too small for all us now that we are in the fifth grade but Gordon looks like a giant in the elementary school sized desk.  

Ms. Santiago directs Gordon with her hand, “Just sit at the art supply table.” 

Gordon squeezes out of the seat hitting his knee on the bar.  Wincing, he limps to the art supply table where he sits in an adult chair among the paintbrushes and crayons.     

“Quiet down, students,” Ms. Santiago says once everyone takes their seats.  She opens the door and the parents parade in. Most of the students brought their mothers but a few single dads shuffle into the room.  Gordon’s parents are the last to come through the door and I sigh with relief when my parents don’t come through the door.  Hopefully they forgot, maybe Dad is still sleeping. 
  
A woman pulls a chair next to me.  She has short brown hair that matches her eyes.  “Hello, I’m Tessa’s mother.  Who are you?” She pushes her chair so uncomfortably close I smell the coffee on her breath.  Her tongue stained white from the excessive cream.  Scooting back in my chair, I give myself room.  “I’m Olivia Boogieman,” 
Her eyes widen and she looks at her daughter with a question in her eyes.  Tessa nods and looks away from me.  Of course, Tattletale Tessa Thompson told her about me; she can’t keep her big mouth shut.  
  
“What a peculiar surname you have.” Mrs. Thompson lifts her nose in the air as if she’s sniffing out my pedigree.  If she wants to see peculiar, she should meet my family. 
She leans in closer with each word she speaks. “I’m a social worker. What do your parents do?”  
  
“Um,” I stammer. What do I say? Mom is a stay-at-home mummy and Dad works nights?
 
“Why don’t we get started?” Miss Santiago says as she leans against her desk. The words “Family Day,” appear to dance behind her on the whiteboard.  Mrs. Thompson scoots her chair back towards Tessa.    

“Olivia, are you with us,” Ms. Santiago snaps her fingers in front of my face.  My cheeks warm; I hate being the center of attention.  Ms. Santiago isn’t all-bad.  This is her first year at the school. She’s young, fun and best of all; she’s never had my brother in any of her classes.  

Tessa’s mom leans into her daughter, brushes back the hair away from her ear, and whispers loudly. “It’s a shame when a child’s parents don’t care enough to come to family day.”  Our eyes meet and she uncomfortably shifts in her chair.  I can tell she knows I heard her.    

As the door opens, Dad’s hairy frame takes up most of the doorway, which is not surprising considering most werewolves are huge. Hulking and hairy from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet, he looks scarier than he really is. Mom pops her head in the little space between Dad and the doorframe.  She’s covered in dingy wrappings with eyeholes so she can see.  Her wrappings haven’t been changed since she was first mummified in ancient Egypt. Dad holds my skeletal little sister’s boney hand.  The only person not here is my shapeshifter brother, Vinnie.  Unless he’s posing as Ms. Santiago.  Or her red Apple.  It’s for the best that he is not here because he’s a troublemaker.  
Sometimes being part of the Boogieman family is too big of a burden for a normal girl like me.      
  
“It is very nice that you could join us.” Miss Santiago’s eyes dart from my parents to me probably wondering how a family of monsters is raising a normal girl like me. “If you’d like to stand next to your student we can begin again.”

A paper mache moon dangling from the ceiling and catches Dad’s eye.  He turns up his nose towards the moon, closes his eyes, and howls.  Daisy covers her lip glossed stained mouth and giggles while I cringe.  Mom quickly taps Dad lightly in the ribs with her elbow.  Mom stands behind me while my dad flops on the ground and scratches the fur on his neck with his rear leg. “Fleas.” He looks up at a frowning Mrs. Thompson.
  
“Dad, please stop.” I cover my face with my hands. 
  
He climbs back on two feet; his claws scrape across the floor causing goose bumps on my arm. 
  
“I’m pleased so many parents could be here today.” Ms. Santiago says.  “You will follow your student throughout the day so you can get a sense of what a typical day at Middlebury Middle School is like.”
  
My school has a panther for a mascot, and is home to a large population of feral cats.  As my father raises his nose and sniffs the air, a low growl escapes his throat.  I grasp at his collar as an orange, black, and white calico passes the doorway. Dad jerks against my hold, drops to all four paws, and gives chase.  Desks crash together, Tessa screams, and Gordon’s father covers his son as Dad bolts towards the door.  
    
“No bad boy,” Mom scolds Dad as he shoots out the door that leads to the blacktop.  I’m attached to his collar and jerk forward with his momentum causing pain in my arm.  I let go before he drags me across the playground. The cat jumps onto a picnic table and my dad runs under the bench chasing it across the playground. 

I sprint behind him, “Dad, you’re embarrassing me.”  

The cat stretches its claws and digs into the bark of a nearby tree, climbing with little effort. Dad stands at the trunk howling as I yank his collar.  He digs his feet into the bark as he tries to climb. The cat smiles down at Dad with a big, white toothy grin, like that cat from Alice in Wonderland. “Cats don’t smile,” I mutter. The cat turns into a blob and then into my brother, Vinnie, who is laughing. 
“Not funny, Vinnie,” I say.

After a tug on Dad’s collar, he slumps on all four paws and reluctantly follows me back to the classroom. 
  
“You’re not supposed to do that in public,” Mom scolds. She grabs a newspaper from our current events pile, rolls it up, and smacks Dad on the nose. 

12 comments:

  1. I’m not sure what it is about the first four paragraphs, but the flow or rhythm seems somehow off. I think the best way I can describe it is that the section reads as narrated. It doesn’t sound like the main character speaking to me. I feel like I’m missing her thoughts and emotions.

    You did a good job with the part between Olivia and Mrs. Thompson. You provide some descriptive details that show, not tell. The only issue is when you transition out of it. The way it’s set up, Olivia’s focus is all over the place. From her POV, the readers “see” that Ms. Santiago leans on her desk. Then the readers see the dancing words on the white board. Then Ms. Santiago is trying to get Olivia’s attention when it seems Olivia’s attention is already focused on the front of the classroom. Then she’s focused again on Mrs. Thompson who leans and talks to her daughter. I think this section could flow better if you rearrange some of the sentences. For example:

    “Why don’t we get started?” Miss Santiago says.

    Mrs. Thompson scoots her chair back towards Tessa. She leans into her daughter, brushes back the hair away from her ear, and whispers loudly. “It’s a shame when a child’s parents don’t care enough to come to family day.” Our eyes meet and she uncomfortably shifts in her chair. I can tell she knows I heard her.

    “Olivia, are you with us,” Ms. Santiago snaps her fingers in front of my face. My cheeks warm; I hate being the center of attention.

    The door opens (how? Slowly? Crashes open with a bang?) A big hairy frame takes up most of the doorway. Great, Dad is here.

    You did a nice job tightening up the last section, especially where the pain in her arm causes Olivia to let go. That’s a much clearer description. The only suggestion I have is to give a little more sense of urgency when Olivia is speaking. For example: I sprint behind him. “Dad!” I yell. “Stop! You’re embarrassing me!”

    The part where Mom smacks Dad on the nose with the newspaper is cute. I’m assuming what follows is the class’ reaction to what just happened?

    I noticed you use the word “as” several times throughout these pages. See if there is a way you can reword a couple of those sentences just to give your piece a little more variation.

    As always, this is such a cute story and I enjoy the bits of humor you incorporate.

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  2. I just love this story. So cute and fun.

    “Our desks, with tiny chairs are in neat rows.” I’m not the best with commas, but I’m thinking you need to put a comma after chairs or remove it after desks.

    “As I read the words “Family Day,” my lips move.” What if you said something like, “My lips move over the words “Family Day” like they’re written in some mysterious foreign language.” Or …words like they’re about to explode.

    “…pushing each other playfully.” I think you could remove playfully. It’s implied with the laughing. Your statement about the other kids interacting is a great way to show the reader to see that Olivia feels like an outsider!

    “They wander to their desks, chatting with each other and ignoring me.” Aww. I’m feeling for Olivia.

    “his seat, his long legs…” I’d add “and” before “his” or: “…his seat. His long legs…”

    It’s difficult to tell, but on my screen it looks like you might have two spaces between each sentence instead of one.

    “…fifth grade but Gordon looks…” I’d but a comma before but.

    “elementary school sized desk.” Do you need some hyphens here?

    “…Gordon with her hand,” I’d use a period after hand.

    Love that detail about Gordon. I’m feeling for him, too. Does Olivia feel sorry for him? I just wondered if they were both misfits, so maybe he's not mean to her like the rest of the kids.

    “…out of the seat hitting his knee on the…” You might need a comma before hitting. Or: “…seat and hit his knee…”

    continued in next comment...

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  3. “…through the door and I sigh with…” Comma before and. You also use “through the door” twice in that paragraph. Maybe change the second sentence to: “…when my parents don’t show.”

    “Hopefully they forgot, maybe Dad is still sleeping.” Perhaps add “or” before “maybe.” Or make them two separate sentences.

    “A woman pulls a chair next to me. She has short brown hair that matches her eyes.” What about: “A woman with short brown hair that matches her eyes pulls a chair next to me.”

    Scooting back in my chair, I give myself room. “I’m Olivia Boogieman…” I‘d put this in a separate paragraph.

    I love the tidbit about the tattletale! .

    You have several semicolons on this page. Since the semicolon kind of stands out, maybe narrow it down to one or two?

    “…are you with us,” use a “?” In one paragraph you say “Miss Santiago,” but in the next you say “Ms.” In these two paragraphs, you seem to start in a similar fashion. I might switch up the order of the second paragraph to: Ms./Miss Santiago snaps her fingers in front of my face. “Olivia, are you with us?”

    The paragraph that starts, “As the door opens…” is long. Maybe consider breaking it into two paragraphs at “Dad holds…” You use hairy to describe Dad two times. Maybe try furry?

    “Her wrappings haven’t been changed since she was first mummified in ancient Egypt.” Love this!

    “…from my parents to me probably wondering how a family of monsters is raising a normal girl like me.” Nice! Love this. I feel for her. (You might need a comma before probably.)

    “…the ceiling and catches…” Remove “and”

    “her lip glossed stained mouth…” Change glossed to gloss. Perhaps hyphenate it since all those words modify mouth: her lip-gloss-stained mouth. You start two consecutive sentences with “mom” in that paragraph. Maybe consider switching one up?

    “I sprint behind him,” Use a period.

    I love that you show her brother being a troublemaker and that you show him shifting back into human form.

    I really do feel for Olivia. She’s got a mess on her hands, sort of like the normal niece Marilyn from the classic TV show The Munsters. I love the way you infuse humor into the story that will probably have some deep themes about family and belonging. Lots of room to create humor and chaos and warm feelings.

    Such a fun story! Can’t wait to see what happens to Olivia and how she learns to love her unconventional family.

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  4. There are a few places where you’ve connected two full sentences together with a comma that should probably just be separated into individual ones. Like:

    “Ms. Santiago sits at her desk, dangling from the ceiling above her are paper mache planets circling an orange sun.’

    ‘Gordon slips into his desk, his long legs push against the top of his desk’ – this one would work if you changed ‘push’ to ‘pushing’

    ‘Hopefully they forgot, maybe dad is still sleeping’

    I still love the ‘stay-at-home mummy and dad works nights’ line.

    ‘I can tell she knows I heard’ – I think this is clear and that you don’t need this part.

    I like the explanation we get of Vinnie’s powers when she wonders if he’s posing as Ms. Santiago or an apple.

    I like the way you’ve edited the part where her dad drags her outside. It’s makes more sense!

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  5. Hey there!

    This is getting better! I like the adjustments you've made. Here's what I'm thinking:


    I just noticed—it’s it spelt “somersaults”? I’m pretty sure. Okay yes, I just double checked—“somersaults” not “summersaults.”

    Is it important to know that Olivia mouths the words “Family Day”? Just wondering about the lips moving bit.

    I’d tweak "Ms. Santiago sits at her desk, dangling from the ceiling above her are paper mache planets circling an orange Sun” to “Ms. Santiago sits at her desk. Paper mache planets circling an orange Sun dangle from the ceiling over her head.” Or something like that. Breaking up the sentence helps as does removing the passivity of “dangling from the ceiling above her are...”

    I’d condense "Our desks, with tiny chairs are in neat rows” to “Our tiny desks are in neat rows.”

    The imagery has really improved! Nice job. :)

    There should be a semicolon between “Gordon slips into his seat” and “his long legs” (not a comma).

    I’d use “we’re” instead of “we are” in the next sentence. It’s more casual and fits with a MG voice a little better.

    You have “come through the door” twice in the sentence that starts “Gordon’s parents are the last.” I recommend tweaking the sentence so you only have that phrase once.

    Semicolon between “hopefully they forgot” and “maybe Dad…”

    Should be: “Her tongue IS stained white” (great imagery btw, as I’ve said before).

    Love the interaction with Tessa’s mom and Tessa after Olivia introduces herself. Great job!

    You have an action and dialogue tag after “Why don’t we get started?” You only need one, so you can tweak “Miss Santiago says as she leans against her desk" to “Miss Santiago leans against her desk."

    Question mark needed (instead of the comma) after “Olivia, are you with us."

    I’d remove the line “I can tell she knows I heard her.” The loud whispering and shifting gives us that sense well enough without it. :)

    Minor tweak: a skeletal person could be interpreted as someone who is REALLY skinny. Maybe instead say “skeleton little sister” so we know you mean it literally?

    I’d adjust “A paper mache moon dangling from the ceiling and catches Dad’s eye” to “One of the paper mache moons hanging from the ceiling catches Dad’s eye.” You’ve already used “dangling” earlier and it reads a little more smoothly.

    I still want to see Olivia immediately react to Dad jerking her forward. As soon as the desks crash we should see how it’s affecting her. You could tweak this by shifting the sentences up from the next paragraph into this one.

    For example, I'd adjust/merge "I’m attached to his collar and jerk forward with his momentum causing pain in my arm” to the sentence about her dad moving forward like “Dad jerks against my hold and my fingers tighten around his collar—but he doesn’t stop. He races ahead, nearly yanking my arm out of its socket. My shoulder burns, desks crash together and into me, Tessa screams…”

    Overall, I think your excerpt is definitely improving, so great job. :) You just need a little more shifting around here and there, but I think you're getting there. I hope this helps!

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  6. Hi Eric,

    This revision is good. It works and flows together well. I don’t have much to add. I’m not grabbed by the first two sentences but I would keep reading.

    Good work with Gordon being so tall and also hitting his knee. Take out the word playfully. I’d like to know how she feels about being ignored by the class.

    Two uses of the phrase: come through the door.

    Tessa’s mother seems like a busybody – good scene. How do we know Tessa’s mother’s tongue is stained white from excessive cream. Leave it out or rework. I don’t think it adds to the story. But if you want description, make her teeth bleached white. Period.

    Leave out I can tell… just say: She knows I heard her.

    The scenes with her parents are well done and funny. I especially love that her mom smacks her dad on the nose after the playground episode.

    Maybe show a little more of her feeling when she lets go because of the pain and later: “Stop it. You’re embarrassing me.” Put more emphasis on her feelings then also.

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
  7. I much prefer the Gordon of this version (great job!) I also think you've cut down on some more of the telling which is good.

    I really don't want to continue to harp on world building, but it feels like this version has even less than before. If you want us to buy that she's embarrassed/horrified/worried to have her parents come to school, then you need to either establish that this feeling is justified (which you'd do with classmate reactions) or that this feeling is not justified (which you'd do with everyone acting normal. I still don't feel like I understand which it is.

    Otherwise, I do think this is cute and wish you the best

    Holly

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  8. Hi Eric,

    This is really charming, and the voice is great. You also do a fantastic job of putting the crucial elements of the story in play in the first five pages without overwhelming the reader -- a tricky balancing act. I feel like I understand what the conflict will be and have a sense of who Olivia is and where she's coming from, which is exactly what the opening pages should do.

    My main suggestion here echoes Melanie's comment above: I think something is off with the voice in the first four paragraphs. They don't seem to have the same personality as the rest of the sample, and read a little more dry. I wonder if you're frontloading too much worldbuilding, and think you might be able to cut paragraphs 2-4 entirely... they mostly seem to be a description of the classroom, which could perhaps be woven in later so you get into action (in this case, the parents coming in) faster. But once you get past that opening, the story really grabbed me through to the end of the excerpt. Nicely done!

    I hope that's helpful feedback, although keep in mind that these notes (like all workshop comments) are of course subjective, and you should only take those that resonate with you. Great work in being brave enough to put your writing out there -- workshops like this are an awesome way to strengthen your work!

    All best,
    Patricia Nelson
    Marsal Lyon Literary Agency

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