Sunday, May 10, 2015

First 5 Pages May Workshop - Jauffret Rev 1

Name: Elle Jauffret
Genre: New Adult Historical Mystery
Title: SALTED (Revision1)  
                       

PROLOGUE

 May 1785     

            The thin layers of the millefeuille’s light and crispy pastry disintegrate like a thousand leaves between my tongue and palate, leaving place to the soothing silkiness of crème patissière. A vanilla caress after a flaky explosion, concluded by the sugary taste of raspberry icing.

I feel a flush heat my face and shivers spread through my body. I’ve outdone myself with this dessert. I can’t wait for Papa to sample it and see that I have all it takes to be a chef.

When I open my eyes, the sun is rising and the copper pots reflect the birthing daylight, splashing an orange glow on the ash grey walls. The birds’ chirps and tweets fill the air, uninterrupted by the screams of rioting peasants whose uprisings have been temporarily halted thanks to concessions from the King which my father has obtained as Provence’s representative.

            The church bells sound five in the distance. I better hurry up. The kitchen staff will soon be rushing in with many ready to disclose my clandestine cooking to my mother in exchange for a kilo of grain.

            I check my day gown, assuring that no traces of cream or flour will betray my visit to the kitchen and prompt another of my mother’s violent outbursts and endless tirades about the kitchen not being a place for noble girls; about my father having aberrationally named me Génépy, after the liquor men drink to forget their struggles, and the medicinal, yet deadly, herb that grows free in the heights of Provence.

I slide the millefeuille on the top shelf of the icebox like Marius, our cook, suggested, when a voice calls my name. I turn around feeling something hard and sharp hit me in the middle of the chest. I wince and look down to see. A cleaver is sticking out of my leather apron and a thick crimson stream is running down my feet.

Then, all I can see is black.


CHAPTER 2

April 1789

André-l’insomniaque, our oldest watchman, takes over the night shift from the sleepy soldier who guards the large wrought-iron gates of our domain. I watch him from my bedroom window, waiting for him to raise his bayonet over his head twice, signaling that the road is clear. Since my father’s disappearance, my mother has forbidden my wandering through the woods and to the sea, trying to mold me into the same perfect wall-confined aristocrat as my sister Marie. Which isn’t for me. So, for the past four yearsAndré has facilitated and kept secret my nightly escapades in return for a weekly loaf of bread andsaucisson.

I start to run as soon as my feet touch the ground, ready to feel the elements, even so slightly. Except for my face, palms, and soles, my body is numb - completely insensitive to touch since the attack that almost killed me four years ago and has encased me in a shell impervious to tactile sensations.

I wear nothing but a light cotton nightgown, exposing without shame the raised thick cicatrix that disfigures my cleavage, that my mother deems repulsive; the reminder of my survival; the branding by a criminal who has yet to be found.

I run past the line of cypresses, through the orchard and the lavender fields, the gravel and the rocky ground deliciously piercing the skin of my soles. Breathless, I disappear into the familiar abyss of the forest. I run as fast as I possibly can, blinded by the night, but guided by the scent of the shore that seeps into the woods. Each stride takes me closer to the sea. My scalp breathes, liberated from the constraint of a painful hairstyle. My legs move unrestrained by the fabric of any floor length gown. I am savoring freedom, as temporary as it may be.

 The thick black canopy of trees thins out, revealing a bright half-moon. The soft texture of sand replaces the coarse dirt, welcoming my feet as it does every night. My sprint comes to a halt and my breathing slows down.

I inhale the salty aroma of Méditerranée, my sea. The air is dry and cool, sticking roughly to my throat until I dive mouth open into the black liquid in front of me, welcoming the sea's probing embrace. Ce baiser salé... that enlivening salty kiss that I desperately try to capture and recreate in the meals I fashion in secret. That tactile-like essence that gives rise to internal frissons I crave my skin to experience.

A pine-scented breeze and the faint hooting of an owl greet me back to the surface along with something else. A familiar scent that I cannot identify lingers in the air. I squint in the darkness until my eyes find its source.

The beast is unusually large, about twice the size of the shepherd’s watchdogs, and is at least two hundred pounds.  Except for a warm auburn shade circling its neck, its fur is of a perfect black unlike the now extinct Provençal wolves whose coats were in the browns or grays. It is standing straight on its four legs, at the edge of the woods, wagging a fluid pendulum-like tail, resembling a good domestic dog. Its presence surprises but doesn’t frighten me. Unlike humans whose greed has tormented their own race, animals only kill to satisfy their basic needs, which are met by the bountifulness of our woods.

A faint breeze carries its scent, a mélange of tree sap, young moss and lavender fields with a touch of je-ne-sais-quoito my nostrils. The fragrance of Provence mixed with the animal musk is invigorating, inducing a shiver to form at the small of my back, crawl along my spine, and spread to my belly. The first shiver I've felt in four years.

Overhead, the Ursa Minor constellation tells me that dawn is upon me. I've to hurry home. When I look back down, the wolf is gone.

I grab my nightgown and dash back into the woods, retracing my path through the morning fog, leading back to my jail-like home. My wet hair flows, capturing the scent of the forest. My heartbeat echoes in my temples as fast as my strides, its drums rippling under my skin. Pictures of the wolf linger in my mind. The bouquet of its fur still in my nostrils injects life into me, as would strong smelling salts, awakening the start of another shiver, refueling my hope to see my skin retrieve its lost sensitivity.

I am about to exit the woods when I trip on something unusually soft. I squint down, catching my breath, when a metallic scent hits me. It permeates the air with a mix of alcohol, fear, and a hint of death. The smell monarchist soldiers carried with them when they were brought to the operating table, wounded by the protesting peasants’ pitchforks and hoes.

The muted light bounces off a white cloth and pale face. I tripped on a girl.

I kneel by her side, hoping to provide her with help, but to no avail. She has no pulse and blood's drenching her gown. She lies on the soil and decaying leaves as if still in motion, her hair flowing back toward the woods, but a worried grimace marks her face and large gashes her neck.

I swallow hard, feeling my heart pulsate faster beneath my skin; trying to ignore the throbbing of the scar marking my chest and the eerie similarity between the dead girl’s injuries and my four year-old wounds.

8 comments:

  1. Hi Elle,

    Wow! You’ve made some stunning changes to these first five pages. I’m really impressed. I have a more clear sense of who this character is, who is in her world, and what kind of social standing she has. I also know her ambition up front. I feel we are more firmly situated in the world of Mystery now; by eliminating some distracting details, you are now helping to focus our attention on the strange occurrence of these two similar crimes occurring four years apart, and it’s clear there’s a criminal at large. Also, your descriptive writing and sensory details are even more lovely this time around. They seemed pared down, and your scenes are snapping into focus better. Nice work!

    I have some sentence-level comments about the first chapter:
    Paragraph 1: I love how her dream of being a chef is linked to her sensual, even erotic dream about the pastry, and her ambition is established immediately. The phrase “leaving place to the soothing silkiness” sounds strange to my ear; what about “giving way to the soothing silkiness…”?
    Paragraph 2 (and 4): I don’t think you need italics to represent her thoughts. You are using close third person POV anyway in this narrative, so the thoughts are just an extension of that voice, naturally.
    Paragraph 3: The second sentence is super long and full of important information. I think that could be two or even three sentences, for clarity.
    (comments continue...)

    ReplyDelete
  2. (Diana's comments, continued - part 2 of 3)
    Paragraph 4: I love the sudden burst of tension after the dreamy start. Bells ringing! Kitchen staff arriving! Must rush! They could betray her secret for grain! Cool. Can you clarify how they would betray her though? Did she leave something out in the kitchen? Whom would they tell? (And just curious – would any kitchen staff be suspected in her attack? That would be my first suspicion). Also – I don’t think the Genepy name history fits in well here, and for me the sudden tension ebbed.

    Paragraph 5: “I check my day gown…” Love that she inspects it for cooking stains. But does she put it on or is it hanging up? Or did she sleep in it? When she goes to the kitchen is she dressed?

    Paragraph 6: So she actually did make the millefeuille; she didn’t just dream it? That should be clarified. It sounds her like she left it sitting out; is that why she’d have to rush to the kitchen? Or could the book start with her secfretly cooking in the kitchen at night – maybe she falls asleep from exhaustion there, wakes up and realizes she must clean up the flour, utensils, etc before the staff arrives? Does she have to wake up in bed? Also add to that paragraph a transition phrase like “down in the kitchn” or “I rush to the kitchen….” (to keep momentum and clarify she’s let her room). Also. Marius the cook seems like a confidante of hers, advising her to hide the pastry…. Is he a character we’ll see more of? Why would she trust him? Is the voice that calls her name male or female? Is it a voice she recognizes or not? (Seems not, but it’s not addressed). The phrase “I turn around feeling something hard and sharp hit me…” feels awkward to me. Maybe: “I turn around, but before I can see who it is, something hard and sharp hits me….” And finally, “I wince” (when a cleave has been hurled at her) feels off to me. I understand it might take a moment for pain to kick in, but I think she might stagger backwards, looking down. (And thus not see her assailant, who presumably flees).
    (comments continue....)

    ReplyDelete
  3. (Diana's comments, continued - part 3/3)
    CHAPTER 2 (should be chapter 1, right? Since you now have a Prologue?)
    Much stronger start! Love the guards. It’s interesting how her nightly culinary escapades are giving way to escapes to the forest – another way to seek freedom. What happened to the clandestine cooking, though? Did her getting attacked in the kitchen put an end to that? (For safety reasons, or psychological ones?)

    Paragraph 2: “I start to run as soon as my feet touch the ground” – so did she climb out the window? Unclear.

    I really love paragraph 3 with the disfiguring scar, and the mother’s reaction woven in. A criminal is at large – does Genepy feel fear? Or after four years has some fear ebbed? But the dead body brings it all back in a rush?

    Great improvement to her stumbling over the body and her reaction!

    Really great improvements, Elle; this is tightening up nicely!
    Diana

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey Elle,
    I was really pleased with the changes. You have added little details here and there that ground the reader and makes me want to read more.
    In your first sample, your text read like a poem, but no one can read a poem forever. It was pleasing, but there was not enough to go on. But now, things make more sense and I understand the story better. Plus, your story does not sound scattered anymore. It might sound less poetic, but it really makes me think there is a substantial story here. I think you've nailed it and you're ready to go :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Elle,
    Thank you for sharing your work. As before, I am deeply, deeply in aimer (is that right? Love???) with your voice. Poetic, romantic, beautiful. As before, the descriptions here are gorgeous. I think this revision is much improved. Below are the comments I have for you on things that I noticed:
    (1) Tone shifts: First, I noted that you are writing about pastry then all of a sudden we have “the screams of rioting peasants”. That, to me, is a major tone shift (and story shift) and it left me puzzled. I would either leave the comments about the peasants out or find a way to put the details in later. Similarly you mention that Genepy’s mother had “violent outbursts” and then “endless tirades about the kitchen”. These two things to me suggest very different people – so you may want to clarify. Is she vicious, terrible and abusive? Or merely aggressive, angry and determined?
    (2) Scene blocking: I am not understanding how she could be turning around at the feeling of being hit in the chest. I can’t picture that. Perhaps you meant her back? Also, I think if you were hit in the chest with a cleaver you would be dead or seriously injured, I am not even sure you could really turn around and (back to tone) I am not sure I would wince either – that reaction seems far too mild for a mortal injury.
    (3) I am having a hard time picturing tripping over a body. I would think you would see a dead body – and smell it – long before you trip on it, especially as you have not indicated that it is unusually dark and Genepy seems to be having no trouble navigating the woods (e.g., she is not stumbling around in the dark, lost).
    (4) Maybe this is nitpicky, but I have a hard time imagining that you could bribe your oldest watchman to let a young girl sneak out with just some bread and sausages. I don’t know exactly what I would suggest, and maybe it’s neither here nor there, but this just seemed off to me.
    I hope these comments are helpful!
    Best,
    Atesa

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  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow! What a fabulous revision! I understand the MC much better now – her standing, her world, her ambition, we even glimpse her parents. Great job! And the writing is beautiful, and so descriptive. I love descriptive writing, but too many descriptions can weigh down the narrative instead of moving it forward – so keep an eye out for trimming/cutting. For example, this long narrative:

    I run past the line of cypresses, through the orchard and the lavender fields, the gravel and the rocky ground deliciously piercing the skin of my soles. Breathless, I disappear into the familiar abyss of the forest. I run as fast as I possibly can, blinded by the night, but guided by the scent of the shore that seeps into the woods. Each stride takes me closer to the sea. My scalp breathes, liberated from the constraint of a painful hairstyle. My legs move unrestrained by the fabric of any floor length gown. I am savoring freedom, as temporary as it may be.

    The thick black canopy of trees thins out, revealing a bright half-moon. The soft texture of sand replaces the coarse dirt, welcoming my feet as it does every night. My sprint comes to a halt and my breathing slows down.

    I inhale the salty aroma of Méditerranée, my sea. The air is dry and cool, sticking roughly to my throat until I dive mouth open into the black liquid in front of me, welcoming the sea's probing embrace. Ce baiser salé... that enlivening salty kiss that I desperately try to capture and recreate in the meals I fashion in secret. That tactile-like essence that gives rise to internal frissons I crave my skin to experience.

    A pine-scented breeze and the faint hooting of an owl greet me back to the surface along with something else. A familiar scent that I cannot identify lingers in the air. I squint in the darkness until my eyes find its source.

    The details and writing are lovely, but I’d condense into one paragraph. Next we come to the wolf. Is it important to the story? If not, I’d cut and go write to the dead body. And I love the similar injury! That is really where your story starts, so get the reader there as soon as possible, while still introducing and fleshing out your MC and setting.

    Lastly, the beginning confused me. Was she dreaming? Or is she in her kitchen? Or was that last night – her secret pasty making – and then she goes to bed. Waking up with this line - When I open my eyes, the sun is rising and the copper pots reflect the birthing daylight, splashing an orange glow on the ash grey walls. Just clarify, and you’ll be all set.

    I’m so impressed with your revisions and writing – I can’t wait to read next week!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Elle,

    I really enjoy reading your piece for its beauty and delicateness. The Prologue still does that wonderful job of making me hungry! I also understand this opening scene and how it shows the main character's connection to the culinary world now. I also see that there there will be many ongoing conflicts as the story progresses -- the Revolution, societal expectations for noble girls/women, mother/daughter conflict. Fascinating! And I still really like the last image in the prologue because it's so shocking, such a stark contrast from the beautiful opening lines. It's someone who knows her! She wasn't just stabbed -- she was hacked at!

    In Chapter 2 (I assume it's Chapter 1?), I felt like this rendition had a stronger hold on the world that's being created. I like the introduction of Andre-'insomniaque because it also raises other details that the reader will want to know more about -- how close is Genepy and Andre? When/why did her father disappear?

    However, I think it's a little odd that Genepy has this resentment towards her mother for keeping her locked up because she thinks her mother wants her to become a "perfect wall-confined aristocrat as my sister Marie." I'm sympathizing a little more with her mother simply because Genepy did just have a cleaver in her chest in the last scene. I'm interested in learning more about her sister, but I felt like that line was a little too heavy-handed in describing how Genepy was not and did not want to be the perfect aristocrat.

    I really enjoy the nature scenes. I like how unencumbered she feels -- mentally, physically -- even though the rest of her body can't feel. I do wonder why she isn't as worried about the unusually large beast -- does she know it won't go in the water? Does she recognize it from her previous runs? Doe the wolf's presence have a further significance?

    With the last scene, the girl's "soft" body poses a bit of a problem. Is she still alive and bleeding out to death at that very moment, or has she been dead? If the latter, her body would be settling into rigor mortis. Did Genepy trip completely over the girl's body and land atop her, or did she stumble and slightly lose her footing? Regardless, I want to know more and I would definitely keep reading! Great revision!

    ReplyDelete