Sunday, March 22, 2015

First 5 Pages March Workshop - Saint-Laurent Revision 2

Name: Sarah Saint-Laurent

Genre: Young Adult Fantasy/Science Fiction

Title: The Mender

 Cambridgeshire, United Kingdom


Do you ever feel like you just know something is not quite right but you can’t prove it?

My entire life I’ve had this gnawing feeling that my parents are hiding something from me. Now I finally have the evidence I’ve been looking for… I think.

Last night I overheard them speaking in low, hushed tones in their bedroom. The door was cracked so naturally I peeked in (don’t judge me.) My father was holding a small wooden box in his hands. It looked extremely ancient and seemed to be causing some friction between him and mum. 


“The girls are not ready Morgan,” I heard dad say. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, a habit he has when he is feeling nervous or angry. By the look in his eyes he was experiencing both emotions.


My mother was standing at the large bay window looking out. When she turned and faced my father the look of uncertainty was unmistakable.  


“They’ll never be ready Aidan,” she said in reply. But if you’re going to make such a blasted big deal of it, just put the box back in its hiding place.”


“They’re still so young Morgan, they won’t possibly understand,” he said as he transferred the box nervously from one hand to the other.


My mother grabbed her thick brown hair and wound it at her neck in a knot. She looked thoroughly dejected. 


“Who knows when the right time will ever be? I was much younger than Vivienne when I found out the truth. But I suppose I can wait for another time.”


My mind began to splinter at the thought of all the possibilities this held. But I knew if I stayed here any longer I would be busted.  I tiptoed away from the door and made my way down the hall to my bedroom as stealthily as possible. I needed to concoct a plan to locate this hiding place and get my hands on that box. Maybe then I’ll finally get some answers. I felt a strange sensation surge through me. It felt like… excitement. 


This really is strange considering nothing exciting ever happens to me.  I am the Goddess of Typical. The members of my family possess a quirky-gene and I do not.   The only thing above-average about me is my curiosity.  Otherwise I am entirely blah: average height, average weight, average intellect, athletically average, average friends… the list is endless.


The only thing about me that is remotely unique, other than heightened curiosity, is the color of my eyes, and even that trait I share with the other females in my family, including my eccentric grandmother Lavender and Great-Gramsy Livonia. You see we all have green eyes, but each has a variant of green, either emerald or mossy or mint. One blustering winter day as I sat around the house bored senseless I Googled this odd fact and discovered only 2% of the world’s population has green eyes. Of course I have the most boring shade of green eyes in existence. I would call it pine. Other than that there is not one thing about me that is notable. 


I busily concocted a plan which clearly breaks the “no sneaking and no snooping around where you don’t belong’ house rule. My parents have a lot of rules. Now I know they have secrets too.


My parents keep a battered old chest with a massive brass lock in their bedroom. I always found this curious and strange as I’d never seen them open the chest. Not even once. When I was nine I asked my mum what the chest contained. She flatly replied “Vivienne, curiosity is overrated.” That was the end of the conversation. Now it began to make sense. They are hiding a secret from me, just like I always suspected and it was in that chest. Maybe.


Late last night while everyone was sleeping I snuck downstairs, went into my mother’s office and found the key she thinks I know nothing about. I may be curious but I have never done anything like this before. My heart banged around in my chest all night as I worried about my plan. If I get caught I am doomed.



The next day after school I zoomed up the staircase straight into my parent’s room. I wasted no time and moved straight for the chest. Mum and my little sister Gwen would be home any time from ballet class. My hand began to feel slippery as I drew the key to the chest out of my jacket pocket.


Besides the disgusting perspiration, I’ll admit small, dull daggers of guilt were beginning to poke at my conscience. The house rules were pretty clear on this matter. ‘Children do not sneak around in the private belongings of adults.’  But, I just didn’t care. I intended to find that secret box. That annoying little guilt thing kept popping into my mind but I kept pushing it right back out. 


I made my way over to the enormous chest and heaved open the heavy lid laying it gingerly backwards over the end of the bed. 


‘Blankets! How utterly disappointing,’ I thought to myself as I tossed most of them out onto the floor.
Underneath I discovered other really old items, I mean like ‘Aztec’ old. Among them a small collection of velvet pouches. I quickly peeked into each, one contained rocks and pebbles, another contained what looked like coins, and another held what appeared to be dust. 


‘Bullocks. Where is the box?’ 


Deep in the far corner I spied a large leather satchel with an outline of a butterfly embossed on it. ‘The box must be in that,’ I anxiously thought to myself praying my hard work would not end up a complete waste of time.


I spread my knees apart on the tapestry rug and pulled on the satchel straps. It was heavy. As I tugged harder it unexpectedly came flying out and I fell back on my rump… hard.


 I winced in pain and saw little floating spots dance in front of my eyes. I got up on my knees and pulled the satchel to my lap.


“Just what the Hell do you think you are doing Vivienne Louise Catesby?”


My stomach felt like it hit the kitchen on the floor below me. I looked up into my mother’s face staring at me. Her mint-green eyes pierced into mine. Her face was contorted and crimson red with a small vein on her forehead sticking out a little. My mum looked like a volcano about to explode. If anger could somehow become molten lava this volcano was about to hurl chunks of blistering magma sky high.


 “Oh hi mum,” I said while attempting to appear unshaken. “There is a perfectly good explanation for all this. It’s not at all what it looks—.” 


“Get up and get out. Go to your room immediately, I do not want to hear another word from you,” she said in short, clipped bursts as she attempted to stifle her obvious impulse to scream at me.


“But mum, you see--.”



“Vivienne, do not say another word.”


I dropped the satchel on the tapestry rug and slinked my way to the door not daring to take my eyes off my shoes. As I made my way down the hall I couldn’t help but think ‘maybe curiosity really is over-rated after all.’ One thing was for sure. Whatever was coming next 

12 comments:

  1. I really like how you've written this. The reader is immediately drawn into the story. Nice revision. Noted the parts that could be eliminated/rewritten below.

    "(don’t judge me.)" - throws the reader out of the scene

    I would eliminate this section which starts:

    " Otherwise I am entirely blah: average height, average weight, average intellect, athletically average, average friends… the list is endless.

    The only thing about me that is remotely unique, other than heightened curiosity, is the color of my eyes, and even that trait I share with the other females in my family, including my eccentric grandmother Lavender and Great-Gramsy Livonia. You see we all have green eyes, but each has a variant of green, either emerald or mossy or mint. One blustering winter day as I sat around the house bored senseless I Googled this odd fact and discovered only 2% of the world’s population has green eyes. Of course I have the most boring shade of green eyes in existence. I would call it pine. Other than that there is not one thing about me that is notable."

    This part needs rewritten to fit in with the new beginning:

    "My parents keep a battered old chest with a massive brass lock in their bedroom. I always found this curious and strange as I’d never seen them open the chest. Not even once. When I was nine I asked my mum what the chest contained. She flatly replied “Vivienne, curiosity is overrated.” That was the end of the conversation. Now it began to make sense. They are hiding a secret from me, just like I always suspected and it was in that chest. Maybe."


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  2. Such a great revision! The intrigue and mystery is front and center, and we already are getting a sense of our MC. Bravo! You have hooked your reader with these 5 pages!

    A few comments (of course!). First, it is a bit telling. You do a great job with character descriptions, like pushing up the glasses, etc., you don’t need to spell everything out to the reader. For example:

    When she turned and faced my father the look of uncertainty was unmistakable.

    And then a few lines down:
    She looked thoroughly dejected.

    And then:
    ‘The box must be in that,’ I anxiously thought to myself praying my hard work would not end up a complete waste of time.

    Try to show the emotion, through mannerisms, shaking hands, etc. Watch out for too many adjectives (something I am completely guilty of!)

    Also – why does her father give up so quickly here - “Who knows when the right time will ever be? I was much younger than Vivienne when I found out the truth. But I suppose I can wait for another time.” Perhaps have her mother shut him down with a glare, or some dire warning.

    Lastly, amp up the tension at the end, don’t get too bogged down in exposition. Let the reader be nervous, anxious, and intrigued.

    That’s it! You’ve come a long way and done a great job with this. Good luck!

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    1. Thank you for all your support and suggestions Erin. Really! Everything has been so helpful and I am very grateful. I feel the 'showing' aspect vs. telling and the 'shutting him down with a glare' were awesome insights!

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  3. I also think you've done such great work here. I think the opening with the parents works well. The tension is high and you make me want to know what it is that the girls aren't ready for yet. You have me hooked here.

    I think the way she is caught by her mother is well done.

    The only suggestion I have is I would consider moving the description of the chest to after she is in the parents room. Let her look around the room, under the bed, in the closet, and then she can discover the chest.
    One other minor thing-- you can just say, "she said." You don't need to say, "she said in reply." It's clear that she's replied.

    Otherwise, fantastic. Congratulations!

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    1. Patricia thank you for your time and expertise! You have been a serious help and I hope you get some happiness from knowing how we benefit from your time :) I really found your suggestions very helpful!

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  4. I think the set up of this scene was great! The overhearing of her parents conversation really built the intrigue for me and by the end, I was just as disappointed as she was that she didn't find the box!

    One suggested revision would be for this part:

    "The only thing above-average about me is my curiosity. Otherwise I am entirely blah: average height, average weight, average intellect, athletically average, average friends… the list is endless.

    The only thing about me that is remotely unique, other than heightened curiosity, is the color of my eyes, and even that trait I share with the other females in my family, including my eccentric grandmother Lavender and Great-Gramsy Livonia."

    In the first part, she says the "only thing above-average" is curiosity, but in the next paragraph she is saying "the only thing about me" that is unique. By saying the "only thing" so close together about two separate things, it loses it's validity.

    My final note would be explain why her figuring this out matters to her. Does she always feel different? Is she different just from the people in her family or is it everyone? Why does finding out what her parents are hiding matter so much to her? Or is it just plain curiosity?

    Great job!

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    Replies
    1. Dear Kimberly - I appreciate your feedback. To be honest I too was stumbling over the 'only' and above-average' and 'unique' part. I like your suggestion and thank you! Yes... she always feels 'odd-man-out' in her 'quirky-gene' family and she is the Goddess of Typical except she has heightened curiosity. The story is about the fact that she is anything BUT typical and that's what the secret box is all about. We find out whats in the box in the next 8 pages :) Thank you for reading my first five pages!!

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  5. Sarah, I'm having trouble remembering how old your character is in the present tense, but I see she first asked her mom about the chest when she was nine. Does your main character want to react at all to being judged "not ready" by her Mum. Should she think, "I'm ready, Mum always thinks I'm still a baby, I'm 13!" Or "Mum was right, I'm not ready at all. I don't want to deal with growing up!" I think some kind of reaction to her parents' words in addition to curiosity about the box would be natural.

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    1. Yes! You are right. I need to say something like that as she is tip-toeing back to her room. Good point! Thank you. BTW she is 14.

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  6. I love how this has evolved. I get the picture of the character, and she is distinct. I like the hint of a mystery, and it's okay that we don't have all the answers right away. I'm very clear picture of this family - girls do ballet, some sort of old secret is in place, parents love each other and can argue safely, and I like the word "bullocks." So, win, win, win, as far as I'm concerned. :)

    Good luck!

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    1. Thank you :) It's been a bit of a painful experience LOL. But worth it.

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  7. Hi Sarah,

    Great revision! I liked how you dove right into the box this time.

    I don't feel the starting question is necessary, and personally think starting with the next sentence is stronger.

    I agree with Erin's comments about the descriptions, especially in the paragraph about her appearance and the green eyes. I also think introducing Lavender and Livonia in this paragraph makes it a little backstory heavy, and it may be better to introduce them later, when we can learn more about them, not just their eye color.

    I'm sad I didn't get to learn what was in the box -- which is a good sign because I would have kept reading! Best of luck and I hope this is in print in the future!

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