Genre: NA Multicultural Contemporary
Title: AMERICAN PANDA
My mom greets me with a frown and pinches my sides. “Mei! Did you gain weight?”
I bat her tiny hand away easily. Even though she’s four foot ten and eighty pounds, she puts her hands on her hips and stares me down. Well, technically, she’s staring
up at me, but her eyes say she’s the boss. My five-foot-three, one-hundred-fifty-pound frame will never be good enough for her. My genes come from my dad. Ahem, my five-foot-seven, two-hundred-fifty-pound dad. I will never be Asian-skinny. I personally like that I don’t look like a chopstick that will fall over when the wind blows, but apparently I’m in the minority.“Are you even exercising?” she asks me. I clamp my mouth shut, afraid I’ll reveal how much time I’ve spent away from studying for dance class. My mom shakes a bony finger at me. “You need to be careful, Mei. How will you ever get a man?”
I’m probably the only college senior who sees her parents every Saturday, but I’d rather eat chicken feet than fight them. If you don’t have traditional Taiwanese parents, you don’t get to judge (and you probably don’t know how disgusting chicken feet really are).
As my dad searches for elusive street parking, Mom and I make our way into
Chow Chow, our go-to
Taiwanese restaurant. My mom mercilessly pushes through the crowd of waiting patrons, and the hostess immediately motions to the wait staff. We’re longtime friends with the owner, Ling, and have been Chow Chow regulars since I was a baby.Two waiters abandon their tasks to push three tables together to hold the massive amounts of food we’ll order. I cover my face in shame and follow the hostess underneath red ceiling lanterns to our extra-large corner table.
The mix of patrons is the usual: college students, families, and people my parents’ age. All Chinese, of course. The pungent smell of stinky tofu—yes, it’s actually called stinky tofu because it’s fermented, rotten tofu—wafts through the restaurant. It smells exactly how you would expect. What else is named stinky? Even poop doesn’t have its smell in its name.
“Yuck,” I mumble. Even after twenty-one years, I’ve never acclimated.
My mom sniffs and smiles. “Smells like home.”
“Smells like garbage,” I say.
“It’s just like the chee-se,” she says, separating the word
cheese into two syllables.I shake my head. “Cheese doesn’t smell like this.”
“You’re right. Cheese is gross. This is so much better. And tastes delicious. Just try it. Once you eat it, you won’t think it smells bad anymore.”
“Okay. I’ll do that after you eat some poop,” I mumble to myself.
I sit next to the paper umbrella mounted in the corner. The Chinese calligraphy wallpaper makes me smile. This place feels as much like home as my parents’ kitchen. Add some plastic wrap over the furniture and it actually
could be my parents’ kitchen.I wait for my mom to go across the street to buy Chinese bread for the week, but she sits down and folds her hands.
“I need to talk to you before Dad arrives. Don’t get mad at me.”
“What now?”
“I have this friend and her son is interested in meeting you.” This again.
“I’m not interested.” Even though I know the effort is futile, I have to go down fighting.
“Just listen! He’s Taiwanese, and—”
“Not interested.”
“—he went to Brown, got a master’s at UPenn, and is now studying to be a doctor at Tufts.”
“Brown and Tufts? I thought you only approved of Harvard or MIT.”
“Well, you’re getting old. I change my standards. You made me. Your eggs are getting cold.” My mom jabs a finger into my belly.
I squirm away. “Remember in high school when dating a boy was equivalent to murdering someone? Or not getting into a top-ten school? But the second I arrived at college, my eggs are suddenly shriveling up and I have to hurry and find a husband to make babies with?”
“Yes. You
finally understand. Do you want your child to be born with Down Syndrome? You need to have one soon. And this boy is perfect. His family is very well off. The dad started two companies that went public. But you’d never know they’re rich. So humble and frugal.”Ahhh there it is. The money. “Why is he so pathetic that he needs his mom to find him dates?”
“Well, he’s shy. He’s a good kid. It’s hard to meet people when you’re like that.”
“Right. I’m sure he’s not an anti-social nerd with poor hygiene. It’s because he’s
such a good person that he can’t meet anyone.” I have nothing against nerds. I
am a nerd. But whenever my mother tries to set me up, my instinct is to run the other way. I’m not ready to settle down with the “perfect Taiwanese Ivy Leaguer” handpicked by my parents. Not yet. I need more time. In my head, I hear my best friend, Lexi, telling me it’s normal to want to choose your husband and not limit him to one ethnicity and eight colleges. Or in her words,
Stop being cray-cray. We’re not in ancient China anymore. In fact, she thinks it’s bonkers I obey my parents as much as I do. She doesn’t believe me when I tell her other Chinese-Americans think I’m too rebellious.“He’s good looking,” my mom continues.
“Oh, so you’ve met him?” I ask even though I already know the answer.
“Well, no, but his parents are good-looking. And his mother says he’s good-looking.”
“Oh great, that makes me feel so much better—an unbiased opinion.”
“He’s perfect.”
“You haven’t even met him!”
“I don’t need to. His parents are such great people. That’s all you need to know. And everyone at Bible study is trying to get Mrs. Shu to introduce her son to their daughters. She’s refused every one of them, but
she came to
me about you.”“Uhh that’s creepy. She doesn’t know me.”
“Yes, but she knows
me,” my mom says as if I’m stupid. “Since I’m a good person, you must be good. And she’s seen a picture of you.”I nod, understanding now. I’ve met the daughters of the Bible study women. It’s not as great of a compliment as you might think.
“I thought you didn’t want me to have an overbearing mother-in-law after what you went through with Nai Nai,” I say, reminding her of the
crap
my grandmother has put her through. I’m already afraid of meddling Mrs. Shu.“Exactly! I know his mother well and she will be a great mother-in-law. She won’t be overbearing at all.”
“Right, because she’s been so normal so far.”
“Exactly.”
I sigh. Sarcasm doesn’t translate. “No. Stop finding me dates.”
My mom slams her hand onto the table. “Your mother knows best. You’ll see. At this rate I’m going to have to pay for you to freeze your eggs. Like what my friends do.”
“Maybe we’ll see what dad has to say about this.” My dad will go ballistic at the thought of me dating. He still thinks I’m five years old.
I escape the insanity by dragging my fossilized eggs to the bathroom. When I return, my dad has arrived. “Hey Dad, guess what Mom and I were just—”
My mom cuts me off. “Look, there’s Hanwei’s parents!” She points in a much-too-obvious way.
HI Gloria,
ReplyDeleteThis was so enjoyable to read, I'm not saying the first version was bad by any stretch but this had such a nice zip! I truly laughed out loud at this line "“Okay. I’ll do that after you eat some poop,” I mumble to myself." Great dialogue. Good details about the overbearing grandmother/mother-in-law, maybe the mentions of eggs went on one too many times. I missed some of the food references, isn't that funny? Maybe I was just hungry when I read it this time. This version had a really smooth quality in the beginning, but I do wonder how the lunch will wrap up. What will move them on to the next scene?
Better, tighter. These characters are still great fun. Yet, to me, these pages still feel too expositional. Details like dad's actual height, and the poop-cheese dialogue, while fun, slow the page down because I don't know what, as a reader, I should be anchoring on. I'm wondering what these pages would look like if you dropped in a BIG plot or character detail for readers to hook onto. Your writing is so good here it feels kind of literary versus the tight-quick style generally associated with NA but NONETHELESS, even great literary fiction gets its hook in quickly. Try reading the first 5 of SPECIAL TOPICS IN CALAMITY PHYSICS by Marisha Pessl, THE KITE RUNNER by Khaled Hosseni, or TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD by Harper Lee, and you'll see what I mean. Each gives the reader something from the gut, an intense, personal, important bit of story that is more than painting the character for us. You're almost there. Let go a little more. Don't line edit to shorten what you've got to quicken the pace. Write in something NEW on the very first page. Something powerful and important and lovely and compelling and painful and gorgeous and awful and good. You can do it!
ReplyDeleteHi Gloria
ReplyDeleteThe editing is great but I miss this line "My mom continues chattering. “I brought papaya, to make your breasts grow. They much too small. Like mosquito bites.” She pokes my breast. “And we brought all low-fat food since you’re getting chubby. I also pickled some vegetables. They’re in the old mayonnaise jar.” :(. (That was so spot on authentic) Anyway to insert it??
Also would this mother really say 'Don't get mad at me?" I felt like she wouldn't give a rip if her daughter was mad at her.
Gloria, this opening is so much better! The opening line is much clearer, and immediately draws us closer to your protagonist. You may want to consider cutting that first word "My" and just begin with "Mom."
ReplyDeleteTwo issues stood out to me:
1) The second paragraph is way too soon for so many weights and heights. Perhaps you can just say "rotund" and "wiry," or some other better words, or even compare their shapes to something familiar and clever.
2) I think the dialog between Mei and her mom about the boy can be cut drastically. Or last least revised to include more pertinent information. Too much back and forth little talk. Know what I mean? Choose the most important points and have the characters speak those words. I think the conversation can be sliced and diced until only the guts remain.
Nice job whittling down the amount of food talk, as well! Great job overall.
Hi Gloria. Can't add too much to what the others have said. The chit-chat between ma and Mei is too long and slows the reading down.
ReplyDeleteAm I right in assuming that the Hanwei mentioned at the end is the boy? If so, what if when they arrive at the restaurant, the hostess leads them to a large table where Hanwei's parents are seated? And, not knowing the next part of your story, what if Hanwei himself shows up? That would definitely heighten the tension fast.
Hope this sparks ideas.
Cheryl
Creating likable characters with a punch is no small feat, so yay for you! I really love these two. However, I agree with all of the above kind of comments - the conversation is too long and still can be trimmed.
ReplyDeleteI think this "My mom cuts me off. “Look, there’s Hanwei’s parents!” She points in a much-too-obvious way." needs to happen by the end of page #2, no later than #3. It made me perk up and go "oooh!"
You have great voice, just the key events need to pick up. I'd cut everything about cheese and smelly food (please keep the chicken feet!), and I would even cut out some of the arguing about the setup. I don't think her mother would stand for so much protesting. I'd show how frustrated Mei is by giving her "a weapon". Let her stab something with a fork, or squirt too much sauce on her plate already. Maybe some of her anger can come out without words - in action instead?
Hope this is helpful,
-Lyuda
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this very much. I think this revision overall works well. My comments are focused primarily on smaller details that pulled me out of the story.
ReplyDelete“My mom greets me with a frown and pinches my sides”. With both hands? Or do you mean she pinches one side? And what is she pinching? The mother is pinching extra meat, but what does Mei call it? It tells us a lot about a character if she calls the flesh her mother pinches something positive like “love handle” or something negative like fat. Of course, both of my examples are not right, but I hope they help make my point. “Mei! Did you gain weight?”
“I bat her tiny hand away easily.” Here you say that it’s one hand. So, it would be side and not sides. I know this is a minor point, but you don’t want anything to distract your reader. “Even though she’s four foot ten and eighty pounds, she puts her hands…” Be aware that you have mentioned hands several times and we are only the second paragraph in.
“Ahem, my five-foot-seven, two-hundred-fifty-pound dad. I will never be Asian-skinny. I personally like that I don’t look like a chopstick that will fall over when the wind blows, but apparently I’m in the minority. This tells me a lot about her character. Maybe let us know this earlier? I want to know that she likes the way she looks even if her mother doesn’t.
“Are you even exercising?” she asks me. I clamp my mouth shut, afraid I’ll reveal how much time I’ve spent away from studying for dance class.” Great. I love that she doesn’t want to tell her mother she’s been exercising because she knows her mother will then get on her for not studying more. A great way of showing us that there is no winning with this mother. My mom shakes a bony finger at me. “You need to be careful, Mei. How will you ever get a man?” Now, is this the first time her mother says this? I get the impression that she has been more concerned about her daughter’s studies or, at least, she’s acted as if she was. I want to know this has been said before or I want to see Mei’s surprise. What is Mei’s reaction to this statement?
ReplyDelete“I’m probably the only college senior who sees her parents every Saturday, but I’d rather eat chicken feet than fight them. If you don’t have traditional Taiwanese parents, you don’t get to judge (and you probably don’t know how disgusting chicken feet really are).” I like this, but there is no transition. Or is this a new chapter? If so, are all the chapters going to be short? Not that they have to be all short or all long, but chapter length should be intentional. If your chapters are an average of ten pages, let’s say, and then one chapter is only a page or a few paragraphs, you are telling the reader to really pay attention to those few paragraphs. As you know, the way a novel is structured is important in how we read the story.
Two waiters abandon their tasks to push three tables together to hold the massive amounts of food we’ll order. I cover my face in shame and follow the hostess underneath red ceiling lanterns to our extra-large corner table. Why the shame? Are they the only family that orders massive amounts of food? If you are going to start with the mother commenting on her weight, we should get Mei’s reaction to this. It seems like this narrator would make a comment about how the mother who is pinching her side is also ordering massive amounts of food for her to eat. Of course, it could be the kind of food the mother blames. Maybe she tells her daughter, “Are you eating too much pizza” or whatever food the mother would blame. This seems like this would be true to this mother’s character. Anything that is not from her world is what’s ruining her daughter. Of course, she wouldn’t blame herself and the mass amounts of food she orders. After all, she eats the same foods and she’s skinny? Mei knows she takes after her father and the mother may know this too on one level, but on another level she will look to blame the outside world. I’ve only gone on about this to show how so much can be shown about a character in the ways they contradict themselves. And so much can be said about the narrator, in a first person narrator, in what she notices and comments on for the reader. I think you do this very well. I am just asking you to push a little harder in the next revision.
“I wait for my mom to go across the street to buy Chinese bread for the week, but she sits down and folds her hands.” Great. I like that the Mom does what’s unexpected.
“I have this friend and her son is interested in meeting you.” Have Mei comment on this. Here is where you can use the “in high school dating was like murder” and then go into what it means now to the mother. Now the mother is acting like dating, or dating the right boy, is what will save Mei’s life and the life of her unborn children. Then you can tell us here that dating for the father is still the equivalent of murder with a life sentence of…. I am only giving you examples here to show you if you let your narrator set us up more, then we can just sit back and enjoy the fantastic exchange between Mei and her mother.
I would put the information about dating earlier, as I mentioned, and just have Mei say, “The second I arrived at college, my eggs are suddenly shriveling up and I have to hurry and find a husband to make babies with?”
“
“Maybe we’ll see what Dad has to say about this.” My Dad will go ballistic at the thought of me dating. He still thinks I’m five years old”. I would cut this line and go to the next paragraph. As I said, I think we need to know about the father’s feelings earlier, and I think if you have the mother mention the father at this point you will lose the dramatic tension when Mei threatens the mother with telling the father about this, which works very well in the next section.
“I escape the insanity by dragging my fossilized eggs to the bathroom. When I return, my dad has arrived. ‘Hey Dad, guess what Mom and I were just’— Great!!! I love that she is going to play her parents against each other.
ReplyDeleteMy Mom cuts me off. “Look, there’s Hanwei’s parents!” She points in a much-too-obvious way. Now, the mother is ok with the father knowing? This raises the tension and makes me want to know more about who these people are and what do they represent to the mother.
Over all, this is great. I love the voice. I love the humor and the heart. I love the dialog between Mei and her mother. I love the tension that is created because the mother wants to keep this boy/matchmaking from the father. I think this is so close and with a few edits you will have it.
If you keep the opening as it is, note my comments above regarding the mother’s hands. I would drop the comment “How will you ever get a man?”
I think you could start with—“ As my Dad searches for elusive street parking, Mom and I make our way into Chow Chow, our go-to Taiwanese restaurant.” You can bring in the mother’s comments about her weight when the mother pokes her belly later. You wouldn’t lose any of this. It would just be brought in within the context and action of the scene. I think opening with the father searching for parking and Mei and her Mom entering the restaurant, grounds us immediately.
We know that now that Mei is in college her mother is worried about her finding the “right boy” and family to marry into. She doesn’t want to do this when the father is around, which is great because it gives Mei something to use against the mother later, but also when the mother does mention who the parents of this boy are in front of the father, we know that this isn’t any boy, this is the boy. It’s so important to the mother that she doesn’t care now that the father knows. All this is great. I think my comments above regarding Mei clueing us in earlier on the father’s anti-dating stance that hasn’t changed will make the tension stronger.
All that I have written here are just things to think about. You clearly have great instincts, follow what you feel works best.
Thank you, everyone, for your time and help!
ReplyDelete