Name: Cheryl Carpinello
Genre: Middle Grade XXX
Title: Guinevere: At the Dawn of Legend—Cedwyn’s Story
Cedwyn shifted the reins of the horses to his left hand and then back again. Though nearly eleven, age had not made him more patience. Nor had it made his best friend, Guinevere, any quicker. He turned around as the slender sorrel nudged his back.
“I know, but she’s gotten slower. If she’d moved this slow the time that wild boar was chasing us, she wouldn’t have made it up that tree.” He scratched below the sorrel’s ear. At fifteen hands each, they made the perfect duo.
A low nicker from Guinevere’s black war horse reminded Cedwyn that it also had ears. The black even ducked its head knowing somehow that Cedwyn wouldn’t be able to reach its ears at over seventeen hands.
“Guin’ver! Hurry up!” He hollered up at the window in the keep, his newly deepened voice cracking.
He shivered as a strong gust of wind blew through the bailey, and he pulled his hide jerkin tighter. Cedwyn breathed in the crisp, sharp air of an early winter, then coughed as his nose and mouth filled up with smoke and ashes. For the last month the wind also carried the remains of the fires from the North, as renegades burnt whole villages to the ground rather than surrender to King Arthur. These days ashes covered every level surface and every nook, inside and outside. On days like today when the wind raced through, he forgot to breathe shallow and ended up choking.
Today, he and Guin’ver were going an adventure just like they had so many other times. Except this time, they’d be sure not to get in trouble. Nothing like the rabbit hunt the day King Arthur came to ask for Guinevere’s hand.
Cedwyn’s ma Brynwyn, who really ran the castle in the king’s absence, had given the approval for their ride and overnight stay at the Abbey. With the fighting contained to the northern lands, the castle was safe from danger.
“Here I am,” Guinevere said, her breath coming in small gasps. “I had to run back upstairs for my cloak.” She held out a slender arm blanketed in deep green.
“If we don’t leave soon, my Ma will find another chore for me to do. And for you, too.”
“She wouldn’t do that, would she?” Guinevere spun around looking for Brynwyn.
“She raised you like the daughter she never had, and you doubt me?
Guinevere straightened her body and stretched her neck until she stood half a head above Cedwyn. “Well, I’m going to be Arthur’s queen when the battles up north are over. And, at fifteen, I’m considered a woman now, not a child.”
Cedwyn laughed. “You know Ma. Doesn’t matter if I’m supposed to be the head of the family, or if you’re a princess soon to be a queen.”
“You’re right,” Guinevere said, laughing with him.
Their laughter echoed through the bailey causing several people and children to look up. Laughter came seldom these last few months, just ashes and smoke. They didn’t know if Arthur and his men—Cedwyn’s father and Guinevere’s father King Leodegrance among them—had gained or lost ground. The lack of information increased the tension within the castle walls: the daily scolding of children punctuated at times by the swish of willow stick and the cry of a child replaced the women’s gossip. And, among the men left—those essential to castle life and those too old or unfit for battle—quarrels had broken out.
But, today? Today would be fun, no trouble.
Outside the castle gates, they let the horses break into a canter and were soon hidden in the trees.
Inside the forest, the smoke thinned; the branches acted as a filter, and after an hour’s ride, the air smelled fresher and held a hint of pine. Only when a strong gust rifled through the tree tops did a shower of ash flutter down.
“Want to stop by that glen and pick raspberries?” Guinevere asked.
“As long as we don’t try to hunt rabbits or run into wild boars,” Cedwyn said, a wide grin on his face.
“We sure did get in a lot of trouble, didn’t we?”
“Especially when you let that rabbit loose in the kitchen! I’m not sure Cook has ever forgotten that,” Cedwyn said.
“I don’t think he has. He still gives me that stare of his whenever anyone asks for rabbit for dinner.”
“You remember the time I ran away with you?”
“How could I forget? You’re ma yelled at me and then I had to face my father.”
“You got yelled at. I had to clean the stable and pig sties for a week after that,” Cedwyn said, his grin fading a bit at that thought.
Guinevere pulled up and turned to him. “You were my rock that day, Cedwyn. Without you, I’m not sure I would have consented to marry Arthur, and then my father might have disowned me.”
“You sometimes think that things aren’t going to turn out like they’re supposed to?” Cedwyn asked.
“You mean, do I wonder if I’ll really marry Arthur?”
Cedwyn nodded.
“And whether you’ll ever be a knight?”
He nodded again, embarrassed.
“Cedwyn, we’ve been best friends forever. If something happens and…and I don’t become a queen, you will be a knight. My father and yours will make sure of that.”
“I know, but sometimes it seems so far away…”
“Well, it’s not,” Guinevere said. “Com’on. Race you to the glen!” Her war horse took its cue and raced away.
Cedwyn hesitated a second, then gave the sorrel its head.
The two horses munched on tufts of green within reach of their bridled heads while their riders sat on the ground eating the raspberries they’d picked.
“Those berries were almost as good as Cook’s circlette,” Cedwyn said, after finishing off his stack.
Guinevere nodded, her mouth too full to answer. She took a drink of water from an animal skin pouch, drank some, and passed it to Cedwyn.
A rush of wind found the glen and swirled fallen leaves caught in its grasp round and round like a dervish, a devil’s whirlwind. The war horse’s head jerked up, ears flattened. The sorrel imitated it with teeth bared. Guinevere and Cedwyn jumped up and grabbed their reins. Cedwyn’s arms struggled to hold the sorrel. The war horse planted its front legs wide, braced for battle, and tossed its head, nearly ripping the reins out of Guinevere’s hands.
They looked at each other thinking the same thought: If they had stay too long…
Keeping their horses in check, they struggled to mount as the animals spun round trying to find the danger. Once mounted, Guinevere and Cedwyn, their eyes wide with fear, continued to battle for control of the horses.
A scream filled with pain broke through the din of the horses and riders.
“What was that?” Cedwyn asked.
“It didn’t sound like any animal I’ve ever heard.”
“I…”
“Ar...ar.” The hideous noise interrupted him. The skittish horses moved closer together.
It came again. “Nooooo!” And abruptly ended.
“That was a man,” Guinevere said, her voice shaking.
The horses pawed frantically, turning into each other, almost bolting. Both Guinevere and Cedwyn’s arms ached trying to hold them back.
Guinevere tightened her reins and finally turned the war horse around. Digging her heels in, head down, horse and rider raced down the narrow path.
Cedwyn followed, but continuously looked back under his arm. He feared this side trip had just turned into trouble.
Good job on adding the bit about the renegades so we know what the source of the fire is.
ReplyDeleteI think you meant to write "patient" instead of patience in the first paragraph.
Does Guinevere's horse nudge Cedwyn's back?
Might need a bit of dialogue from Guinevere before Cedwyn says, “I know, but she’s gotten slower." What is this in response to? It might help to hear what prompted it.
It's also good that you tell us who Brynwyn is ahead of time. There's a nice bit of dialogue, there, too.
The rising tension towards the end of the excerpt is great.
I think you've made a lot of great changes, Cheryl, and I see this is really coming along. Good job!
Thanks, Ronald.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome, Cheryl!
ReplyDeleteHi Cheryl,
ReplyDeleteGreat revision! I thought you did a nice job of giving us the backstory and getting to the action by the end.
A typo: "were going an adventure"
I was slightly confused by the "Ar...ar." and the story lost a little tension for me there. I also think the "Nooo!" might be more powerful if it was just described--like a piercing scream or frightful cry, etc.
It's been a pleasure! Best of luck with your manuscript and hope I see this in stores one day!
Thanks, Gloria. Good ideas!
DeleteAs someone who is not all too familiar with Guinevere's story (don't judge!) and without given a blurb of the book, this scene had me wondering what this story was going to be about. I like that you give backstory on Cedwyn and Guinevere, but I want to know how that is relevant now.
ReplyDeleteNow that she is Arthur's soon-to-be queen, do they not get to be together as friends? Is she allowed to be out like this without guards or anyone? Because it is so dangerous for everyone, why were the two of them out riding alone?
As a reader, I want to be hooked in the very beginning. I want to want to read more. I think by the end of this scene you did a great job of that - I want to know what they see and what the source of the scream was - but, I felt the beginning really didn't provide me with anything other than backstory, without shedding light on the current situation.
Great job though and best of luck!
Cheryl, there's a lot of changes here that make this lots easier to read and follow. Finally the ash is explained in a way I can easily catch! Lol. This line read odd to me: "A low nicker from Guinevere’s black war horse reminded Cedwyn that it also had ears." I don't think Cedwyn forgot the horse had ears, really. Maybe reminded isn't the right word, or "that it also had ears" isn't the phrase you mean. I like the way you've told us Cedwyn and Guinevere often get into trouble together and it seems they've stumbled right into another adventure. It fits!
ReplyDeleteI'm in the "love the changes" club! I get the setting, the characters, the trouble, the berries, the ashed - all of it. This is so much better, and has a hook I want to follow. I'm sure you will still be looking this over for typos and general edits, but as fast as events and the set up goes, I think it's a great place to start.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Hi Cheryl. It's definitely getting there.
ReplyDeleteMaybe drop 'but' in this sentence: “I know, but she’s gotten slower. If she’d moved this slow the time that wild boar was chasing us, she wouldn’t have made it up that tree.” He scratched below the sorrel’s ear. At fifteen hands each, they made the perfect duo.
Perhaps add '...also had ears for scratching : A low nicker from Guinevere’s black war horse reminded Cedwyn that it also had ears. The black even ducked its head knowing somehow that Cedwyn wouldn’t be able to reach its ears at over seventeen hands.
This seems repetitive: She took a drink of water from an animal skin pouch, drank some, and passed it to Cedwyn. perhaps cut 'drank some'
I agree with Gloria about the 'Ar and the 'Nooo' and maybe rework this.
Overall much better! Good Luck!
Hi Cheryl. It's definitely getting there.
ReplyDeleteMaybe drop 'but' in this sentence: “I know, but she’s gotten slower. If she’d moved this slow the time that wild boar was chasing us, she wouldn’t have made it up that tree.” He scratched below the sorrel’s ear. At fifteen hands each, they made the perfect duo.
Perhaps add '...also had ears for scratching : A low nicker from Guinevere’s black war horse reminded Cedwyn that it also had ears. The black even ducked its head knowing somehow that Cedwyn wouldn’t be able to reach its ears at over seventeen hands.
This seems repetitive: She took a drink of water from an animal skin pouch, drank some, and passed it to Cedwyn. perhaps cut 'drank some'
I agree with Gloria about the 'Ar and the 'Nooo' and maybe rework this.
Overall much better! Good Luck!
Cheryl,
ReplyDeleteI think you have done a great job revising. I can see the world more clearly than before. I like that Cedwyn and Guinevere's friendship is better established. The ending of this is suspenseful and makes me want to keep reading.
I agree that you don't need to give us so much back story at the beginning. Let us discover who they are and their relationship to each other as the action unfolds. You do this well towards the end of this section.
I would keep moving forward. When you have the first draft done, then you can go back and decide where you want the story to start.
You have done a great job here. I want to keep reading!
Thanks everyone for your comments. Much appreciated!!
ReplyDeleteMuch better, Cheryl! Needs some editing here and there, but from this point on I think you just need to get the entire story drafted and worry about the spelling and punctuation later - but before you query an agent! :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if you need the first 3 paragraphs at all though. I think you should begin with paragraph 4. I found the first 3 paragraphs a lot of telling without much of a hook and a bit confusing, too. For instance who is speaking in the dialogue in paragraph 2 - I assume Cedwyn, but who is he speaking to, and what does he mean by the phrase "I know, but she's gotten slower?" Who is she? I don't know if he's referencing the horse who is right next to him or someone else. And Guievere is inside the castle since he has to holler up to her so he's not talking to her. When he says, "I know", that makes the reader think that he's responding to a comment or question by someone else. I think he's responding to the horses' nudge, but, like I say it made me stop and ask all these questions right off the starting block and you don't want your reader to be confused on your first page.
Also, there are paragraphs further into the story that describe the horses and which horse belongs to who so I really don't think you need to open with the horses. You also don't need to tell us Cedwyn is impatient or learning patience since you show it to us later.
So, honestly, those first 3 paragraphs aren't needed and slow your opening. Get right to Cedwyn's dialogue and the action of the adventure and the ash in paragraphs 4 and 5.
Wishing you all the best with your project!
Thank you, Kimberley. Appreciate your insight.
Delete